Lazy and Irresponsible 13-year-old

[CornField]

I'm at the end of my rope with my daughter and, as such, open to any and all advice.

She will not do her homework. And, when confronted about it, either by me or by her teacher, she only offers up a blank stare. I pulled up her grades online this morning and she is failing every single course except Choir.

It isn't that she can't do the work... it's that she doesn't even try. We've been visiting with a therapist since last April and the school counselor is supposed to be her mentor. In some ways things have improved. For instance, she's made two good friends this year and even made the volleyball team (which she later was tossed off of because of bad grades).

Does there come a time when a parent just allows the natural consequence of a child's actions happen? Even if that involves failing a school grade?

[wildeyed]

1. I had trouble when I was your daughter's age.

My first question, which I am sure has been asked already, is there alcohol and drugs involved? I was very unhappy in my teens, and manifestations of that unhappiness were substance abuse and failing school.

What helped me with the school problem was switching to a smaller, progressive high school. For whatever reason, I just hated the public high school, even though it was an excellent school in one of the top rated public school systems in the country. My parents enrolled me in a smaller private school and I got good enough grades there, and did well enough on my SAT's to be accepted into a decent college.

If private isn't an option for you, maybe you can check into public magnet and charter schools in your area.

[rbnyc]

2. I also cut school and didn't do homework.

I was dealing with issues from being sexually abused. I don't want to be an alarmist, but this is a red flag of some type. There's something under the surface here.

Good luck.

[CornField]

6. No drugs or alcohol

I'm quite sure of that. My daughter is quite the prude when it comes to things like that (at least for the moment).

[mzmolly]

14. Can you try a system of rewarding good grades?

Just a thought. I got 14 F's in ninth grade, and ditched a lot of school. I turned out ok in the end however. ;)

Best wishes.

[SoCalDem]

3. There's only SO much a parent can do.

The therapy might help her, but if no other complications (like was mentioned above) are present, you might just have to let her fail. It may seem harsh, but it will only get worse as she gets older if she does not confront it now. High school is not the place to try to "catch up"..

I would also check into getting her a tutor..a smart girl who's a few years older than her...

The counselor may be too busy to mentor her, and if she feels let down, she might even do worse.

Have you had her eyes and hearing tested?

Just tossing stuff out there:hug:

[CornField]

8. I don't think she needs a tutor, but it still might be a good thing

If I could find a high school girl who has her head screwed on straight, it might be good to hire her as a tutor (but have her also be a role model).

The in-class tests and assignments are being passed easily by my daughter. Her problem is the homework, which is big fat zeros across the board.

[SoCalDem]

10. If there's a college in your town , taht would be a good place to start

Your daughter might see a future for herself, and might get a glimpse of what's at the other end of "school"..

My son was a tutor all through high school, and he loved it.. It was a personal accomplishmnet for him when "his kids" made honor roll..In fact a kid he tutored is a professional football player.. My son was stunned when he heard the guy's name anounced at a game on tv recently..

Is there an outside school activity that she likes? Maybe you could reward her if she does and turns in homework for a specified time period..

I understand the frustration.. Our middle son would DO the damned homework, and then not TURN IT IN :grr:...why? "He forgot" :grr:

[Pithlet]

4. I was the same way at that age.

I hated school. I would pray that I'd get sick so I didn't have to go. That was the toughest phase of childhood for me. Just awful. I wish I could offer you some advice. I remember how frustrated my parents were. My grades were terrible, then. They tried a therapist, too, and even sent me to a psychiatrist, who basically just blew me off.

[CornField]

9. Here's the odd thing: She doesn't hate school

Matter-of-fact, I doubt there is anyplace she'd rather be. When summer break rolls around, she's in tears because school is over. (Maybe she's trying to fail so she'll have to go to summer school? Whoa... hadn't thought of that one before.)

[Pithlet]

13. That is odd.

Though it may be other aspects of school besides acedemia that she misses. If it is the summer school thing, maybe you can promise her some kind of group summer activity, like a day camp, if she brings her grades up?

[Tab]

5. I absolutely recommend two books.

Reviving Ophelia - Saving the selves of adolescent girls (Mary Pipher)

Odd Girl Out - The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls (Rachel Simmons)

The first dealing with all sorts of teen issues from social pressures to whatever... including the need to underperform lest they be let out of the social group.

The second dealing specifically with bullying in the form of social ostracization.

Please get them and read them.

[CornField]

7. I've read them both

It doesn't seem to be an issue of her wanting to fail to fit in or to keep attention from herself. This seems to be more along the lines of being lazy and enjoying the negative attention that comes from not doing the assignments.

[SW FL Dem]

11. My son went through a similar thing in 7th grade

He had always been a good (not great) student, bringing home mostly A's and B's (except in math where he has always struggled). In 7th grade, his first quarter grades were normal but when the interims came home for the second quarter, his grades had slipped to mostly C's and D's with an F thrown in for good measure. I immediately set up a conference with the counselor and his teachers. The problem wasn't that he didn't understand the material, he just wasn't doing the work, he was turning in less than 50% of his assignments and "forgetting" to study for tests. The counselor told me that this was pretty common among kids his age who were beginning to get distracted by social pressures and were beginning to test their boundaries. After ruling out things like drug or alcohol abuse, the teachers (except one arrogant ass) agreed to work with me on getting him organized and motivated again. It took a while, but a combination of positive reinforcement at school and at home and constant communication between home and the school turned him around. He is now in high school and is much more organized and motivated to do well. We still have a ways to go, but at least he is headed in the right direction.

I wish you and your daughter the best- this isn't an easy time for either of you.

[mzteris]

12. Read this book first

"The Myth of Laziness" by Mel Levine and see if ANYTHING strikes a chord with you.

Though it sounds a bit like she's having organizational problems if "nothing else is going on".

If - after you've exhausted all other possibilities in tracking down any hidden "learning difference" - then, yeah, sometimes you DO have to "let them fail". Learning via natural consequences is sometimes the only way.

OR - you could try homeschooling. :) It works wonders for the bright but having difficulty with school child.

[mzmolly]

15. I totally agree with this post.

:)

[fortyfeetunder]

16. Another book read: Love and Logic for Teenagers

www.loveandlogic.com

Dr. Fay's philosophy is to encourage and empower children to make their own decisions, and to understand the natural consequences of their actions.

Most of the book I can buy into...our school system is using the method, K-12....