Sleep-away camp question

[Chalco]

Hi, my husband and I want our kid to go to sleep-away camp for 2 weeks this summer. She's 13. We presented the idea and she's gone ballistic. "You can't force me to do anything. Why do you keep ruining my summers with your plans. I just want to be home. Why can't I be at home?" Slams door, is not talking, took her to school just now didn't say good-bye. This is very painful for me. Do we just make the arrangements with the camp and tell her what 2 weeks she's going. Knowing her she'll be relative obnoxious about this for a long time. I assume we have to stick to our guns but I'm having a hard time.

Any thoughts on this?

Thanks

[Midlodemocrat]

1. I wouldn't force her to go.

Why are you so intent on having her go?

[Chalco]

2. We thought it would be a good experience.

Some friends of hers went last year after a big fuss and loved it and want her to come this year. She hasn't seen them for awhile, but they still want her to go. We said she could go the same weeks as them or 2 other weeks and ask different friends, whatever.

My husband went kicking and screaming to sleep-away camp when he was a kid and loved it and begged to go back.

My kid spends most of her life attached to her computer. She IMs, but also draws a lot. (She wants to be a cartoonist) But, we'd like her to experience other things than the computer!

She's a good student, makes As and Bs.

[mzteris]

3. ask her

I don't think you should force someone to go to camp (or really "force" someone to do anything without a VERY good reason) and "going to camp to have fun" really isn't a very good reason, IMHO.

Ask her what she wants to do. If you're "not okay" with her sitting on the 'puter being a veg all summer tell her that, too, and then ask her what ACTIVITIES she wants to DO. Give her some time to do some research. Offer up some different options just to jump start her thinking.

Maybe a computer camp or an art camp? Maybe a local camp and not a sleepaway camp. Some kids just aren't ready for that. How is she at making and keeping friends? Maybe there is a real reason she doesn't want to go. Ask her. Listen to her with your heart.

Too frequently parents think kids should just do what we say because we're the boss and we're in charge dammit and they should just do what we tell them to "cause I SAID SO, that's why!" And while your hubby didn't want to go to camp, but did and had fun, doesn't mean your daughter will.

By all means encourage her - but don't FORCE her.

[Chalco]

4. Thanks, I'll consider your remarks.

We basically as parents have always given choices. Most of our friends have felt that we were too "choice" driven. So it's interesting that you suggest we give choices. What we've done in this instance is say that she had a choice of when she wanted to go, whether she wanted to ask another friend to go also, whether she wanted to go at the same time as her other friends who have already signed up.

She has lots of interests but tends to sit at the computer. Her time is not completely wasted with IMing, she draws (on a drawing pad hooked up to the computer) and writes fiction.

Anyway...

[mzteris]

5. she draws (on a drawing pad hooked up to the computer) and writes fiction.

That's awesome.

There are some wonderful writing camps (Duke has one) and I'm sure some computer art camps out there.

Good luck.

[Chalco]

6. Update.

I did seek the advice of 2 friends as well. The one who recommended the camp said this "I told her that the reservations were made and that she was going to have an adventure. I told her that kids and camp go together like ham and eggs. So, off she went. Being away for two weeks really helped her grow up. She no longer needed a light on before she fell asleep, and she immediately retired her baby blanket to her "childhood treasures" box in the attic. She also started going to sleepovers again. She turned a major corner in her ability to cope with basic anxieties. When I think about raising my kids and all the things I did right versus wrong, sending them away to summer camp was a hugely good thing."

A friend who is a therapist said "You know, she's always been oppositional and then gets over it. Going to camp is a good thing. If she doesn't like it she doesn't have to go back the next year. I wouldn't worry about it."

When I picked her up from school yesterday the first thing she said was "I don't like you" to which I responded "That's ok, I like you." Then, her mood changed and she was happy and said that she'd asked a friend to go to the camp and that she'd said yes. (I've already talked to the parent who says the girl's summer is already filled up.) But, it looks like my daughter has already adjusted to the idea of camp.