Bed Sharing....I admit

[OnionPatch]

My four-year-old still sleeps with us in our bed a lot of the time.

When I was pregnant, we bought the cute little crib, etc. but guess what....she ended up with us every night. Getting up several times a night and sitting in an armchair for an hour while she nursed was very much a pain. I only did it a few times. I just found it so much easier to have the baby right there with me. I've read lots of stuff pro and con and understand the cons, but for me, sleeping with her was just the natural thing to do. Something deep inside tells me that it's perfectly natural to curl up and sleep with your children, like all the other animals do.

Now, my daughter is four. She goes to sleep in her own bed but almost every night she wakes around 3am and wanders in and climbs in with us. I don't really mind and neither does my husband. (We have a king-sized bed and plenty of "alone time") I think she'll eventually stop coming in with us.

What do you think? Am I scarring her for life? Ruining her development? Or do any of you have similar stories?

[rbnyc]

1. I think it's fine.

I think that as long as none of you are sick of it, what's the harm?

I'm sad that my 3 month old is already in his own room. We had to do it because of a jealous cat.

I think you are all very lucky.

Also, isn't it kind of an American phenomenon for everyone to have their own room and bed?

[Pithlet]

22. Mine were 3 months old, also

when we moved them into their own rooms. I was always sad, too. Just remember the future milestones you have to look forward to. That usually cheers me up. :)

[trotsky]

2. The concern of "experts" over bed-sharing seems ridiculous to me.

What did humans do for most of their 2-million-year existence? Did we drop our baby off in another nearby cave and come pick it up in the morning?

[OnionPatch]

3. Right.

It seems ridiculous to me, too. I mean, here I was in my room listening to my newborn baby crying for me in the other room. I wanted nothing more than to have her next to me. I think it was totally natural. And as for rolling over on the baby.....I never even kicked my cat off the bed in my sleep during 20 years of having her, I don't think I'm going to roll on top of my baby. I always slept in a nearly frozen position and woke up easily if the covers so much as pushed up around her. I guess some people might not have that awareness, but I always knew I did.

[trotsky]

4. The same way you are aware of the edge of the bed.

We had the same fear, but neither of us ever rolled onto either of our two kids. There is a part of the brain that still "knows" what's around you when you're sleeping, otherwise you gotta figure we'd all roll out of bed on a regular basis!

[rbnyc]

5. I did lose a niece that way.

But my Aunt Peggy was very overweight. It was very sad.

My husband is a heavy sleeper, and I'm a fitful sleeper, so I preferred to have baby in a bassinet next to our bed. But our cat prefers he be nowhere near our bed. Our room has no door, and we decided to keep the cat, so that's why baby's in his crib so soon. But if I felt he would be safe, he'd be right in bed with us.

[melv]

6. I had the bassinett right next to me

But that was just because I couldn't get past my own fear of smothering the baby. I have a tendency to hog the covers and I am a very active sleeper.

Still, I wouldn't pass judgement on anyone who choses to co-sleep. At 4 years old your child is certainly ok safety-wise. So, I would think just keep doing as you are doing. Our 2 year old comes and crawls into bed with us every other morning or so.

[rbnyc]

15. I agree.

Co-sleeping is a case-by-case issue. And of course, a 4-year-old is safe. And I don't think there should be any stigma there, if all 3 are happy with things the way they are.

[abelenkpe]

7. Holy Cappuccino!

That must have been horrible! Now I'm gonna have nightmares. I have to admit I have been bad lately. Once Connor started rolling over onto his tummy he would wake himself up so I would take him out of his bassinet and put him in bed with us. I really should start letting him sleep in his crib at nite. He does fine there during his naps in the daytime. (Until he starts rolling) I want to co-sleep with the baby, but my hubby sleeps so deeply and he did frequently roll over onto our cat before Connor was born. Of course I think he was jealous of the cat, but that's another story.

[Chalco]

8. A friend lost her 3 month old by rolling over on her.

I don't know what to say about it.

I personally wasn't able to sleep with my child in the same bed. She did fine in her own bed and appears to be ok.

[OnionPatch]

9. That's really horrible

and from this thread, I guess it happens more than you would think. I honestly did not know this really happened that often but two mentions in one thread is a lot. Sorry to hear of these tragedies.

[Southpaw Bookworm]

10. Generally I believe

That there are certain circumstances that make such incidents much more likely:

* If the parent is overweight.
* If the parent is under the influence of drugs (anything from coke to Dimetapp) or alcohol.

[rbnyc]

17. exactly. (nt)

[rbnyc]

16. At the same time...

...you could go crazy following every single bit of advice when it comes to being safety conscious with baby. At a certain point you just have to go with your feelings.

[Pithlet]

23. Exactly.

There is so much advice out there, and it can be scary. It's important to keep current on safety information, but instincts are also vital.

[Ilsa]

27. Was she also a night-nursing mother?

I have to wonder, because I have always been aware of my babies, even while sleeping. I can't help but wonder if some of that awareness disappears if a mother isn't night nursing.

[Chalco]

30. In this case... when they fell asleep the baby was

on top of her, when she woke up the baby was next to her and she had rolled over on top of the baby.

[detroitguy]

45. With newborns...

...I tend to agree that sleeping in a bassinet next to mommy and daddy's bed is safest. But I also know that lots of people manage to co-sleep safely even with young babies.

[LeftyMom]

11. LK cosleeps all night sometimes

He's 3 1/2. Other times he starts out in his bed (in my room) and stays there all night or climbs in my bed in the middle of the night.

He prefered his crib (my room) from roughly 6 wks-4mos because he had colic and was sleeping fitfully and because it was summer and he gets hot when he sleeps. I was relieved when he came back to bed, it was easier to soothe him before he got to that wake-the-neighbors earsplitting shriek and I was a lot better rested and less anxoius.

I think cosleeping is healthier in general than crib sleeping and as long as you let your daughter indicate where she prefers to sleep you're doing fine.

PS Have you read The Family Bed by Thine Thinevin? It helped me to feel more comfortable with cosleeping long term.

[OnionPatch]

25. No, haven't read it

Thanks, I'll check it out.

[umtalal]

12. No, you are not harming her in anyway. Now, I wish my son will stay in his

bed. He is also four and he kicks a lot. He is almost four. How did you manage to have your daughter sleep in her own bed in the first place?

[Chalco]

14. For me...

my daughter is now 12. I remember when I brought her home from the hospital I had this sense that she was her own person. It was a very deeply felt thing. Hard to describe, but I looked at her lying there and felt her separateness from me and that she was an individual in her own right. Something about that feeling translated into my feeling that I was a witness to her unfolding as a human being. She had her place in the world and I had mine. My job as a mother was to provide the environment that would nourish her becoming whoever she was to become.

Long introduction to feeling that I needed my space and she needed hers. So initially she slept in a small crib in our bedroom. This only lasted 3 weeks as every move she made, even though we weren't in the same bed, woke me up. Sleep deprivation prompted me to put her in her own room with a sleep monitor. I had to feed her during the night, of course, but then put her down in her crib in her room. I was lucky in that she slept through the night at 6 weeks. She was a large baby--10 pounds at birth--and at 6 weeks she weighed 12 pounds. (I have read that 12 pounds is generally when they sleep through the night.) During this period I used the Ferber method if she woke up during the night to get her back to sleep.

Periodically from that time until she was about 4 she would wake up with nightmares or whatever and I would always put her back in her own bed. The episodes of getting up would only last one or two nights at the most. My method of getting her not to get out of her bed and wake me up was bribery. If she didn't wake me up she got one chocolate chip in the morning. This was enough to get her to calm herself down rather than wake me up for me to do it. And I only did it for one or two days for the need to pass.

I was an older mother--44 when I had her--and I learned that if I didn't get enough sleep I was hell on wheels the next day so that it was better for all of us if I got enough sleep which meant that it was not a good idea for her to wake me up during the night. (Also, for my husband not to snore!)

Sorry for the long note. But, one thing about my kid, among many others, is that she is an excellent sleeper. This seems to serve her well.

[OnionPatch]

24. I was 41 when I had my daughter

so I'm an older mother too. :hi:

[wildeyed]

32. I didn't want to co-sleep, either.

My kids were in the same room with us in there own bassinet for about a month, then went to their own room. For our family this was best. Both my husband and I need allot of sleep to function.

That said, I don't think there is anything wrong with co-sleeping if it makes the entire family happy, although after reading about the roll over deaths, I would recommend one of those co-sleeper bassinets that attach to the side of the bed.

I have noticed that my friends who co-sleep beyond three months have a much harder time getting their kids to sleep through the night. I know several three year olds who still get up 2+ times a night to nurse. Seems to wear on the whole family.

I bribe my 4 year old with TV to get her to stay in her own room until 7am. If she doesn't wake us up, she can watch Sesame Street that day. If she does, no TV.

[phylny]

20. All three of our girls slept in the crib, and in their own beds as they

got older.

It was absolutely simple, and necessary for me. I love my children deeply, but I am a separate person, and my marriage is highly important, so my husband and I wanted 1) a good night's sleep, 2) the privacy of our bed all the time.

When the girls were infants, they slept in a bassinet right next to our bed. That way, I could scoop them up to nurse, and tuck them back in when they were finished. They went to a crib when they outgrew the bassinet, and if I had to nurse them at night, I'd put a heating pad on the crib sheet (ON LOW!!!!!) and would remove it from the mattress, turn it off, and then put them down onto a nice, warm, cozy crib sheet. Since they were fall/winter babies, and it was cold, that helped.

They all turned out normal, very fun, smart, affectionate. I am not against sleeping with your children, I just honestly don't see the point - and I don't mean that in any derogatory way :)

[OnionPatch]

26. That heating idea is cool!

I did try using one of those co-sleeper thingys that attached to the side of the bed thinking it would be safer, but she always cried over there. It seemed cold, you know how those little plastic mattress covers can be. Maybe if I had tried your trick it would have made a difference.

[fortyfeetunder]

13. It's only a phase.

My kid co-slept until he was about 4 or 5, I can't remember when, but all of a sudden, he wanted to sleep alone. He also quit nursing 2 months shy of his 4th birthday on his own accord. It wasn't a big deal when he was there.

There is another book to recommend called "Our Babies, Ourselves" that talks about co-sleeping is foreign to Western civilization. It also talks about nursing, crying, and other parenting issues from a global perspective...

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

18. My husband and I co-slept with son from

the day he was born until he was 6 months old. I'm glad we co-slept. I think we my have even saved our son's life on at least one occasion when he was just a newborn because of co-sleeping. Our son was coking on his own spit up one night. My husband heard him because he was sleeping right next too him, so he was able to help him clear the spit up out of his throat. I'm not so sure we would have heard him if he was sleeping in a different room. Co-sleeping made breast feeding so much easier too. My son wanted to feed almost constantly when he was a newborn. With co-sleeping, I was able to sleep while my son breast fed late at night. I know a lot of couples complain about not getting enough sleep when they have a newborn baby, but my husband and I never had this problem because we co-slept.

Neither my husband nor I have been over weight, but my husband has always been a very muscular guy so we is a lot heavier than most guys that are his same height. Neither one of us took any drugs (prescription, over the counter, or illegal) or alcohol.

My husband actually convinced me to do the co-sleeping. His little sister was born when he was 18 years old. He remembers that she used to cry for most of the night for at least a month. His parents put her in a crib by herself from the day she was born. He didn't want to deal with the constant crying again. He also pointed out that neither one of of us has rolled over on each other while sleeping in 3 years we have been sharing a bed.

My son stopped sleeping with us at 6 months old. At this age, he stopped sleeping in the fetal position and he would instead sleep with his arms and legs completely stretched out. He was a lot bigger too. He started to take up more than his fair share of the bed, so we put him in a crib at that point. He only cried a few hours on the first night he slept by himself in the crib, and never again afterward. He still sleeps with his limbs all stretched out too.


My son is 26 months old now. His very independent (as much as someone can be at his age) and not very clingy. He loves sleeping and playing by himself in his room. I don't think co-sleeping had any negative effects on his development. Of course, my son stopped co-sleeping a long time ago. We would let our son still sleep with us, if he wanted to (given he isn't going to hog the whole bed too).

[LibertyLover]

19. Bed sharing

For several years, from when I was 5 until about 8, I did much the same - I'd start off sleeping in my bed, but sometime in the early morning hours I'd to to my parents' room and get mom to come in and sleep with me. Most nights she'd just wait until I fell asleep and go back to her own bed, but occassionally she'd fall asleep too. I started doing it because I was afraid of thunderstorms. The unspoken rule was if it was thundering, I could awaken her. But it just sort of continued. But when I was about 8, I stopped and if I awakened in the night and was afraid, I turned my closet light on and went back to sleep. I think it's fine.

We do have our 2 year old daughter sleep in her own room, but for a month after we adopted her, she did sleep in our room. After a month she felt confident enough that we were there for her that she wanted to sleep in her own room.

[Pithlet]

21. I never intentionally did it.

But, with both of mine, when they were newborns, I would take them into bed with me to nurse, and sometimes I would fall asleep. Otherwise, they slept in a bassinet next to my bed. They went into their own rooms when they were sleeping through the night, usually around 3 months.

I think it can be done safely. No extra pillows or blankets, and neither parent can drink or take any medications that make them drowsy. And, the bed should never be against the wall.

I noticed that whenever I slept when the baby was in bed with me I didn't move at all. Normally I toss and turn. I don't think a parent falls asleep in the same way, or totally loses consciousness of their child when they co-sleep safely.

[fortyfeetunder]

28. we're bed sharing tonight!

I did some extended Christmas shopping today to find my young 'un dead smack in the middle of our bed. Unless the spouse dares to pick up 70 lb of ragdoll, he's sleeping between us.

[Killarney]

29. We do it, too.

My son is 2.5 and some nights he sleeps all the way through in his room and some nights he comes to sleep with us. We don't mind, we like it.

[Sabriel]

31. We co-sleep with a 5 and 2 year-old

King-sized futon on the floor, with room (generally) for everyone. The older one does use her own bed once in a while, but she knows she's welcome with us, too.

[latebloomer]

33. both my kids co-slept for a long, LONG time!!

I think my son was 11 before I finally got him out of the bed!! And my 10-year-old still crawls in some nights in the middle of the night.

We didn't exactly plan to co-sleep but couldn't get him to sleep as a baby any other way. Got real tired of it after a while--I would recommend a king-sized bed, not a queen!!-- but I do feel there were many advantages in terms of bonding.

[SW FL Dem]

35. Same here

My son started sleeping in our bed when I went back to work when he was about 3. We let him fall asleep with Dad and I would take him back to his bed after he was asleep. Eventually, it became impossible to pick him up and carry him without waking him so he just stayed. He finally decided he wanted to sleep in his own bed when he was around 9. We had a king sized bed. He's now a well-adjusted 13 yr old.

[gollygee]

34. My daughter sleeps with me almost all the time

She's just started showing interest in sleeping on her own. She has kind of slipped back over the Christmas season (which is to be expected) but she often at least starts out in her own bed. Sometimes she'll end up back with me at midnight, sometimes at 3, sometimes not till 6. Sometimes she starts out with me. But she is definitely moving in the direction of sleeping alone, and she's doing it on her own.

She was colicy and the only way I could get *any sleep at all* was to have her sleep next to me. I didn't intend to sleep with her.

[kick-ass-bob]

36. My son slept in my bed once

when Mom was gone. (he was 3)

That never happened again. Worst night of sleep for either of us.

[SarahB]

37. They outgrow it eventually.

Once past infancy, my preference was always to at least have them start the night in their own bad so grownups can at least have the possibility of some alone time, but they usually wandered in the middle of the night. I have a three and a half year old who still does too. Not a biggie. :)

[Ilsa]

38. My kids still join us in bed early, early in the morning.

Sometimes too early! But they both end up sleeping sideways, so it's good for them to sleep alone for now, but together in the same room for comfort.

[Chalco]

39. One thing I'm curious about is and I'll try to be discreet...

how do you all do the couple thing when there are kids in the bed!

[gollygee]

40. We go somewhere else.

Another bedroom in our case.

[Chalco]

41. Ah, of course, I didn't thnk of that!

[OnionPatch]

43. My daughter starts her night out in her own bed

That's how. :)

[Debbi801]

42. You're not scarring her for life...

My youngest will be 3 next month and still co-sleeps most of the time. My oldest are 12 and almost 10 and both went through long periods as toddlers where they did too. Both of them are normal, well rounded, sefl confident kids. Neither are scarred from co-sleeping.

HTH!
Debbi

[detroitguy]

44. No problem in my view

My 3-year-old likes to sleep alone, except he calls for us when he has a "bad dream." Usually, he just wants comfort. Sometimes he wants to come back to our room. He always asks permission before coming into our bed and we always say yes. My mother thinks he'll start "abusing" the privilege and that we should say no. But so far, it has not been a problem. And in the long run, I think he's better off knowing that security is available across the hall.

[rbnyc]

46. I agree,

I think he's better off knowing that a safe place is available too.

Welcome to DU.

:hi:

[lostnfound]

47. I think you are giving her love and security

and my 4 yr old does too.

[loudestchick]

48. I shared my bed with each of my three children until about 3.

I think it's fine. We tried to move the oldest to a crib when she was an infant. It was a nightmare, she climbed out at 7 mo. She would lie on the floor and wail from the other side of her closed bedroom door. Sharing a bed has been comforting for all of my children as they've grown. My youngest is 3 now. I expect she'll be wanting her own space soon...it's a transition in our household. Big kids sleep in their own beds.

[BigMcLargehuge]

49. We are parent-child-co-sleepers

it's MUCH easier for us, and seemed to make Ian more likely to sleep through the night. When Ian had enough he asked for his "big boy bed" at about his 2nd birthday. We set his bed up in our room. As we started preparing for Margaret's arrival we put the cradle in the bedroom and set up his room (separate from ours) and he took to it without any fuss. In fact, he started putting himself to bed earlier once he had his own space.

[rbnyc]

50. Very cool.

And congrats again!

[MountainLaurel]

51. A quote from Carl Sagan

And his book "Demon-Haunted World." In the section where this appears, he's talking about hallucinations and their role in "alien abduction" incidents, or rather what people think are alien abductions. But I thought y'all might find it interesting and a good response to people who think co-sleeping is evil and damaging to children:

"Part of the reason that children are afraid of the dark may be that, in our entire evolutionary history up until just a moment ago, they never slept alone. Instead, they nestled safely, protected by an adult -- usually Mom. In the enlightened West we stick them alone in a dark room, say goodnight, and have difficulty understanding why they're sometimes upset. It makes good evolutionary sense for children to have fantasies of scary monsters. In a world stalked by lions and hyenas, such fantasies help prevent defenseless toddlers from wandering too far from their guardians. . . ."

[Telly Savalas]

52. So does anyone have advice on how to deal with a 2.5 year old bedhog?

That's a queen size bed and she's really small. I'm not sure how she does it.

[chicagomom]

53. priceless

Ours do the 'windmill' too.
At one point we had multiple mattresses and pillows on the floor all pushed together. The br looked like a harem.

[LeftyMom]

54. LeftyKid does the same thing

but he'd be a bit more sideways and kicking his feet at the small of my back in his sleep. I wish I knew how to get him to stop. He's a blanket hog, too. I pity the future Mr/Mrs LeftyKid if he doesn't grow out of being such an active sleeper.

[AwakeAtLast]

56. That could be my daughter!

She's three, and one night, I woke up to find her with her legs across my back and her head resting on my husband's! She is the best at getting the most bed space. I pity her future partner!!!!

:)

[lady lib]

55. Our daughter refused to sleep on her own almost from day 1.

We put up a side rail and kept her between me and the rail. We knew she would be safe because we don't move around a lot, we're thin, we don't smoke or do drugs, and I didn't drink alcohol while I was nursing. It was extremely convenient and helpful during those exhausting early months - she could nurse on and off through the night without me having to get up from the bed. When she got bigger we moved a love seat next to our bed, put a crib mattress in it to bring the height up to the level of our bed and then put towels in the crack and a blanket over it. That way, she had her space, but was right next to us. She slept in our room this way until she was about 3. When I had my next daughter I didn't even try to get her to sleep in a crib (she was mellow and probably would have adjusted to it, though). We were so used to the family bed that we decided to just stick with that. She moved into a big kid's bed when she was around 3 (I can't remember exactly). My first daughter nursed until she was 2 1/2 and my next one nursed until she was 3 yrs 3 mos.

So how did they turn out? TERRIFIC!! Both kids are in gifted programs, both play first violin, they have lots of friends, and the most interesting thing happened...once they were ready for their own beds they NEVER went back to sleeping in ours - not once - that need had been met.

Thank you Dr. Sears for your wonderful books about co-sleeping. You validated what I knew in my heart was correct for us.