Question about grieving children

[flamingyouth]

I don't know if this is the right forum or not, but I was hoping to get some guidance here.

My friend Molly had a massive heart attack on Christmas Eve and is brain-dead. She has two kids, one almost 4 and one who's about 18 months. They will be removing her from life support either today or tomorrow.

When I lost my husband this summer a customer gave me a book on how to talk to kids about the death of a parent/grandparent, etc. (I don't have kids - I assume she just figured I did).

I was wondering if it would be okay for me to give this to her husband? I really don't know what to do. We're organizing a big memorial service and I'm handling the food, etc., but I want to do something that can help these kids in the long run deal with this tragedy.

I don't have kids of my own, BTW.

Thanks for any help. I really appreciate it.

[davsand]

1. I'm sorry about your friend's passing.

How awful for all of you! My deepest sympathies to you all in your time of loss.

If you think the husband will benefit from that book then by all means mention it to him and ask if he would like to have it. He's going to need all the help he can get in the future--coping with the loss of a partner as well as double parenting detail.

I think the four year old will have the most difficult time of the two kids. Right now, the 18 month old is probably gonna be freaked out--but may adapt more readily than the four year old. Both kids are really awful young to have too many memories of their Mom.

I don't know how this will feel to you, but have you considered gathering memories from all who loved and knew Molly? I'd think it would be a wonderful gift for the kids later to have personal memories from people who knew their Mom and loved her. A lot of people don't share that kind of stuff later on, and it will be important for those kids later.

It would be really neat to have people talk or write about how she acted and looked when she was pregnant with them. They need to know that Mom loved them and wanted them. It would be really neat to have people talk about stuff they did with her (obviously kid appropriate type info.) I'd be willing to bet that somebody out there has talked to her and has heard her talk about her hopes for her kids...

I realize you are probably hurting right now too--so please don't feel I'm being intrusive with this suggestion. I just think that if anything ever happened to me I'd want my daughter to know this kind of stuff.

May your burdens lighten soon!


Laura

[cally]

2. That's a fantastic idea!

To answer the first question, I think it would be thoughtful to give the book to the husband or a grandparent. They are all grieving and don't have time to look for help.

I think Davsand idea of collecting memories, pictures, and telling her life would be one of the nicest things you could do. All of them will value it throughout their life. Tell those children how much their mother loved them. :cry:

[flamingyouth]

3. Thank you, both

Yes, we have already started a memory book for her.

Sadly, we lost two sorority sisters in a plane crash in Mexico on Sept. 12, 2001, and we did that for the daughters of our friends.

Thanks to both of you for your help and advice here. I didn't want to be too intrusive, but I've been looking at this book I have and I think it might be helpful, especially for the older child.

It's all so awful, I can't write about it without crying. Thank you both. :cry:

[SW FL Dem]

4. I think it would be very nice of you to offer the book to Molly's

husband. He can make the choice whether to read it to the kids or not.

I love the idea of a memory book. If someone is crafty, they could gather the written memories and pictures and put them in a book for the kids to enjoy as they get older. I lost my dad in my 20s and even now many years later, I get a lot of comfort from looking at old family pictures