You get what you give...or something like that ;) .long...

[FirstLight]

So for five years or so after my abusive last marriage, I didn't date or really even socialize. I recovered, pretty much and tried to get back to a spiritual and mental center that i had before the whole thing exploded...

Then lastsummer i dated someone, and for the most part did a pretty good job of 'doing it different'..some of you may remember those rants :blush: and even though it ended in tears, we are still pretty great friends and have shared spiritual growth over the months. He is still going to the meditation classes i turned him onto and we try to speak that language as much as possible. BUT the second chakra stuff is still his main way of connecting and it isn't the thing i WANT most...because i want that spirit and heart connection...

Enter Marc - I've known him for over a decade and a half. He was a boyfriend of an old mommy friend when my oldest was in kindergarten.(strangely enough, she passed away last winter) I have run into him in the same spiritual and healing and intentional people circles for years and we always said "we'll have to get toghether" but it never happened, till now. I have ALWAYS liked him, thought he smelled good and just loved his wit and gentleness of spirit. Our first two 'dates' were at least a month apart, we have been cultivating this 'thing' now since August....and i have only kissed him once! :wtf: we take walks in the woods, he shows me the stars and we have been cuddling and watching movies for a couple weeks more often.
talk about 'doing it differently'...! sheesh!
the other night we sat and watched a movie and held hands...and after the movie was over we sat and talked for an hour JUST holding hands...gah!
I love it but it has been driving me a little stir crazy.

NOW here's the rub:
so old BF #1 is sniffing around my skirts and offering me sexual gratification, but without any comittment or emotion... and the part of me that is frustrated at the slowness of things with marc is itching to do it. BUT after grappling with some issues yesterday i got very clearly that this guy offers no future. and i want a future. I may SAY i just wanna play but the reality is that i really DO want a real partner of some sort...so i made the choice not to put myself in the situation to end up in that guy's bed...and my guides said, 'now watch, because you made the choice for something bigger and more enlightened, you will see a reflection of it .."

well i didn't expect to see it so soon... but Marc actually said yes and came over for dinner last night. Which i hate to say is a BIG deal. I never let men interact with my kids, partially because it is a step that i think is not easy for either party, and has the potential to scare away a suitor very quickly.
Marc is different, damn him.
He has worked with preschool and elementary kids, so he just eased right into the groove and played and helped them with freaking HOMEWORK...i could fall in love right freaking there!
and afterwards we were talking about the kids, their personalities, their struggles, and even the details of my abuse and stuff came out...and he opened up more to me and was vulnerable and kind and he looked at me differently and even told me i was brave and doing well for being all on my own with no help...meanwhile we are watching basketball of all things and just holding hands ...ahhhh....
( ...and omg i am gonna cry!)
and he left with a hug and a caress of my cheek

and i think maybe we are really good for eachother. and he has been walking the spiritual path longer than me so i have to teach him nothing, in fact he may just teach ME a thing or two, about a lot of things.
It has been a very long time since i looked up to a man and admired him. This is foreign territory for sure.

and it makes me want to work on *my* shit that much more because I don't want to bring that crud into a relationship.

win-win situation...?

Anyway, had to come here and gush this morning, and now i have to reign it in and be patient and let this play out and be present and honest and wow...just wow...
:loveya: :bounce: :hug:

[OneGrassRoot]

1. Well, now.......

I say HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!

:bounce: :bounce: :bounce:

This feels soooooooooooooooooooooo wonderful, FirstLight. Marc feels wonderful, the two of you...the kids...the hand holding and talking...ALL OF IT!!!!

I am so happy for you. Just keep breathing, holding hands, talking.

This really does feel like a win-win.

Awesomeness.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

:loveya:

[FirstLight]

2. you know what's funny...?

I remember being 15 and losing my virginity and lamenting that all my relationships from there on out were going to have to be sexual, like it was automatically assumed that you were gonna go there... I can actually remember saying this to my best friend. I can also remember saying somewhere along the lines of my 20's and 30's when screwing younger guys and playing the field, that 'the man who WON'T do me is gonna be the ONE'

yikes. foreshadowing?
i dunno, but can you *really* fall in love with someone without getting tangled up in bedsheets...?
maybe?

oh...and he's older than me, more than anyone i have ever gone for...usually i like the younger guys...marc is 9 yrs, 11 mos and 11 days older. wow

[OneGrassRoot]

3. Oh, I absolutely believe it....

You knew way back when that it was more than sex, and that He Who Holds Hands and Talks will steal your heart.

:loveya:

[FirstLight]

4. oh, such a sap am I..!

:cry: :D

[lildreamer316]

5. Oh YAY!!

That sounds so WONDERFUL!!
I'm so happy for you!!!!:bounce: :bounce: :loveya:
You better keep us informed...you're gonna just have such a great time with him! I can tell..:)

[FirstLight]

6. great time...indeed :)

you know, for all the respectfulness and physical calmness between us, we really *do* have a serious attraction too, mwahahaha!

That's even more fun too...we flirt and say 'naughty' things and raise eyebrows, and giggle... :D

[BanzaiBonnie]

7. Wow!

That's all I have to say is... Wow!

Practice enjoying your time together. Stay in the moment. Don't let your energy drift to the past or future. Hold your energy in the NOW. Wow!

[MorningGlow]

8. Most excellent

You really have taken a huge step forward in personal insight and growth, FL, as evidenced in your comments that maybe it's okay to have a slowly developing relationship instead of an instantly sexual one. That in itself has made your relationship with Marc worthwhile already!

Definitely take it at the pace he wants to set--it will make him more comfortable, and you will be able to develop the other facets of a relationship besides the sexual, which will give you great insights about all the different places from which we (all) can derive our self esteem.

Go, girl! :applause:

[Myrina]

9. This is wonderful!

The first part of your story sounds eerily like the summer I just had, although we didn't end up remaining friends.

Now I just need to meet 'the new guy' who will love me for me without any sexual expectations like your Marc does for you ... because at this point in my life, I SO can go without sex for 3 or 4 years and not miss it one bit - I want the emotional and spiritual fulfillment much, much more than the instant boink.

I'm happy for you (and your kids, who sound like they've gained a pretty cool friend) !! Enjoy!!


O8) O8)

[FirstLight]

10. and my horoscope for NOV looks good too, hehehe

full moon is supposed to be a big romance day, and its on a sunday, his day off...maybe i should book a date NOW!

and you know what's funny is that i would be stoked to just sit and stare in his eyes for a couple hours
omg, i am turning into a hopeless romantic, crying at hippy love songs and reading Rumi Love poems...stop it!
I am a cappy, rational and stubborn and set in my old curmudgeon ways...how can this BE?
;)

[JanusAscending]

11. When this cappy is in love....

I AM YOU!! Total hopeless romantic!! Take my words of experience and wisdom to heart....slow and steady wins the race! If it is really "right" it's worth waiting for. Enjoy being alive in this new place you are in!!

[MorningGlow]

14. Me too!

All that Cappie practicality goes right out the proverbial window and I turn into a ridiculous mush. Hee hee we are a rather odd sign, aren't we? :D

[FirstLight]

16. ssshhh!

because if we show that evil "sentiment"...noone will take us SERIOUSLY! :rofl: and being the authority on everything is what we live for...and love is a dirty little secret ;)

but i am going to be a dork and shout it from the mountaintop! 'what everyone thinks' be damned!

[I Have A Dream]

17. In my opinion, that's one of the requirements of mastering Capricorn.

We must allow ourselves to have our emotions, to be vulnerable, and to allow our hearts to have a say in our decisions. Given that, I think that you're on the right track, FL. :)

[FirstLight]

12. holy wow!

and here is my horoscope/love tarot for the day...no joke!
"The King of Chalices card suggests that you should be willing to take a risk on something that moves you emotionally or spiritually. You may have the opportunity to benefit from wise council from a mature male influence that may come into your life or be awakened within you. This King can guide you by example on how to become more compassionate and calm. Then you can fully commit emotionally to your goals or ideals. Try to be inspired by his sense of adventure and the excitement that can be felt in the joy of simply waking each day. If you learn these lessons well, then you can be happy and fulfilled. These teachings can change your life for the better."

and he is an Aquarius...the water bearer...

sigh! :D :loveya:

thanks for the affirmation, JA :hug:

[I Have A Dream]

13. I'm so happy for you, FL.

You deserve to be happy, and you deserve someone who loves you for YOU -- someone who sees your soul and knows its beauty.

:loveya:

(Oh, and in reference to "the sniffer", don't let him screw this up for you. Short-term gratification is not worth it, although I'm quite sure that you realize that.)

[FirstLight]

15. "the sniffer"

:rofl:
actually it was interesting that i even got the chance to really lay it out to him that i was NOT going to the party last night (a mutual friend is moving, big gathering, i flaked )

...and i couldn't help but gush his way too, so i am sure he gets that i am 'hopelessly devoted'...to marc! ;)

[Missy Vixen]

18. I LOVE THIS!

FL, I am so, so happy for you.

Falling in love has been the most transforming event of my life. I hope the same for you, too.

Marc sounds like a keeper! I love his gentle spirit, and his respecting your boundaries. I really appreciate the fact he wants to get involved with your kids.

This is just wonderful.

:woohoo:

[Manifestor_of_Light]

19. This is fantastic.

I'm older than you. I'm a baby boomer. The sexual revolution came along in the 70s and we had choices. We could hop in the sack if we wanted to--not that that was necessarily a good decision. We had reliable birth control.

But as you said, you are not tempted because you realize it's not the right thing for you to do. So you're waiting patiently with Mr. Romantic Snuggles. A lot of times it is better to put the brakes on the horizontal bop part and go slowly.

I met the right man sixteen years ago when I was 39. I did not have an immediate sexual attraction to him. I was neutral about that. That was different. I just watched, and listened and was cautious. That was different for me as well. We had both been through a "dry spell" for a couple of years, so waiting a few months to get it on was sorta hard. He was smart, funny and told me awful jokes & bad puns. We both loved music and science and learning in general. He had that inner sparkle we all look for. He grew on me. I got to the point where I said, "I need to have this man in my life! This guy is the ONE!"

Now our friends call us "two peas in a pod". And I never thought I'd find that.

And when you find the right person, it's amazing how stuff in your life can fall into place.

Hearty congratulations on your insight into your situation.

:bounce: :toast:

[PhillyGurl]

20. Nice thread

So good to hear some positive stories from a few people on here. Happy for those of you who have exercised patience and found new friends and love. Congrats! :grouphug:

[FirstLight]

21. Next chapter...

Holy crap, when things show up i guess they really show up! There is no doubt in my mind, with the synchonicity of events in the past 48 hours , that our souls are definitely connected for a mutual purpose and lesson...

I went to have a massage today with a wonderful circle member and friend and healer, she also knows the same type of intuition work and energy work as i do, so I can ask her questions and get readings on moving the crud out
so she did a lymph massage, major detox...and i was sooooo congested in my tissues from the past summer of drinking and god knows how long the other stuff has been in there...
i cried, let it go, stopped blaming myself for past choices, all kinds of leaps and bounds...realizing that my spirit has weathered this and is asking for healing, and i just forgot some of my tools for a whi8le, that's all...

whew! can i drink some more water now and flush?

I am not even out of the parking lot and guess who calls my cell? :loveya:
Hey marc! whazzup...?
I get off at 10, and i wonder if you'd like to grab a movie and I'll come over for some hot coco?

yesss! more time together

and it is another step closer, since all our time together has been only on his days off, and i have been letting him cave on his workdays...
heehee!
He's emerging from the cave to be with ME! :D

and i am clearing space for him to come and bring some of that wonderfulness INTO my life...

synchronicity...ahhhh

i am so wowed by the universe today :bounce:

[BanzaiBonnie]

22. Beautiful

Thank you for sharing this precious event with us. I am grateful for all you have, for all you experience, for all you are. Beauty walks with you.

[I Have A Dream]

23. That's lovely, FL.

You so deserve good things.

:loveya:

[FirstLight]

24. good morning! :D

okay, this is the last installment until the next BIG wow, lol...but here's the scoop on last night.

Definite shift in demeanor and closeness and ease factor, I could notice the switch to a more boyfriend-girlfriend vibe.
(looking deeper, is it the fact that *I* chose to really close the door on other 'options' and decided to give this relationship my full attention and effort...?)

such silly little moments that make up a relationship, the moments we will remember...ahhh... making hot coco together in the kitchen at 10:30, on the couch sitting forehead to forehead and nose to nose ... saying goodnight...

yep, I am 'sprung' as they say
more to come, you know it!

[MagickMuffin]

25. Like the saying goes, Patience is a Virtue ;=}

You could view your new relationship between two different sets of trains.

The old steam engines of days gone by and relax and enjoy the view, or the high speed train where the view becomes nothing but a blur. I think the slow train ride seems to be the better train.


Good luck, FL :hug:

[FirstLight]

26. man-in-cave...do not disturb

yikes, i got a little too excited i think :( but it's normal too, he is still retreating now & then to get used to the idea of a relationship...he tends to cave every 10 days or so it seems, which is also a form of self nurturing, so that is good that he's so conscious...

but now i feel like a dork or like i am asking too much...just by inviting him to dinner and being rejected because it's snowing and football is on...
gotta do the patience thing, and not let my ego start that old tape: "he doesn't LIKE me..." whinne...

*breathe* right ...?

[FirstLight]

27. no calls for three days...

and no emails either...is he just processing or did he decide to bolt? anyone get any hits? this is making me a 'little' nuts... trying to NOT call or anything today either...

[FirstLight]

28. help?

anyone here??

[moonbeam23]

29. your relationship

GOOD FOR YOU!! Rolled the dice for you...it says that he will eventually call...he is really involved mentally in his work right now...men aren't the greatest at doing both things at once lol...

My personal feeling is that since he is Aquarian, he needs a LOT of space and also can seem flaky until he fully commits...you are being tested (probably subconsciously) to see if you can give him that space willingly and cheerfully;) ;) Every sign, when under stress, starts acting out the negative aspects of their opposite sign...so Capricorn can become a clinging,whiny Cancer (no offense):hi:

Try not to take any turndowns personally...Aquarius is a famously impersonal sign and also very stubborn because it is fixed... Btw, that is not water that the person in the symbol is carrying, but electrical waves...its new ruler, Uranus, rules all things electrical...and in the old rulership, Saturn rules Aquarius, so you are both Saturn ruled in that sense; it might give you a compatibility that you might otherwise not expect from Air and Earth combinations...It would be helpful to have both birthdates so you can find out how you rate in the Love Cards system..


All the previous posters who told you that the slow train is often the best one are right very often...at least for me personally...sometimes it takes time to build something that lasts, and then the sex is like a great dessert and not the first course...

Always remember that when you finally do hook up for good, these days and hours of waiting will seem like nanoseconds...

"Lord, please give me patience and give it to me NOW!!":banghead:

[FirstLight]

30. thanks for the insight

ya, i got a cryptic email today saying he is still in the cave and still needs to take it slow, feels a bit pressed uppon....so as much as i want to reply and take up for myself and my ego- i am just gonna shutup and wait...

gah! :banghead:
i feel like an idiot for falling into attachment or expectation...i guess that is my lesson, eh

i have our birth charts and composite chart done, (he is somewhat more knowledgeable about it than i am, at least about conjunctions, sextiles, etc..).and he said at the beginning, that he was going to run for the door, haha... i wonder if that may be the truth in some way. Now when i read our charts or composite i don't see the big issue, i think we can be very good and challenging to eachother, in fact maybe that is what has him running so scared...

i *hate* patience....

[Mira]

31. Please accept me, and read this

I have to my memory not posted here, but lurk every now and then.

I am not unfamiliar with the principals of the forum.

I have read this thread. I have hoped and wanted for some fulfillment and promise for you.

Along with being a person who understands spirituality and the alternative ways of looking at our life experience (to the degree that I think I do)
I am also a pragmatist. And this pragmatist part of me, reading this thread that hopes for a meeting of the mind, body and spirit, wants to tell the you that there is another way to look at it.

And that way is to take your pain NOW..

It is conceivable that the ways this relationship is unfolding is sufficiently unusual to where the secrets that are not yet unearthed could derail a committed relationship down the road.
It is conceivable that the behavior that is at this point looked at as maybe endearing and special bears hidden problems for the future.

Bottom line of why I spoke up is:
Harness your heart. Open your eyes. Listen to what it may be that you are being told.

I am not the one with my heart wide open.
I am watching you and someone who is in my mind hiding something from you, maybe in order to spare you.

[FirstLight]

32. very insightful

I know that the pictures in his space consist of emotyional betrayal and abuse at an early age
no matter how 'spiritual' he is, he is still used to drawing away from emotional attachment

and i get to practise NOT engagong or being at effect of it
i am dealing with my own issues with this and working on my own judgements of self

so it is good advice and a good 'hit' - keep 'em coming!

i need all the help I can get to figure out my aquarian, lol

and if it is to not be so, i can't do much more than learn, right?

[FirstLight]

34. so here i thought a big breakthroough and closeness was achieved

and he dissapeared till yesterday (5 days?) and of course in the first couple days i was sending regular emails and such and still inviting him to dinner...i had no idea the game had changed :shrug:

so i get a cryptic sentence email yesterday that says
"...work, school, family, friends....gawd the need for sleep!!! still needing to keep things 'slow'. feeling a little pressed upon. in the cave for sure...hugs and be good"

so at first i felt a little sorry, like i had overstepped somehow, now i am just a bit miffed because I was under the impression this was okay, and *his* fears take over and now *I* am pressuring him?

so i have gone silent....he wants to be left alone, fine

men are so whacked...

[OneGrassRoot]

35. I didn't get the feeling he was saying YOU were pressing....

but instead that he feels overwhelmed by everything.

One of the Four Agreements: Don't take things personally. ;)

http://www.toltecspirit.com/

Hard, I know...but try not to.

:hug:

[FirstLight]

33. feel like sending this as a reply

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bxE3W1RTz8


because i am still a strong woman, no matter what!

[FirstLight]

36. well I guess I jumped the gun...

after last weekend went by with no contact...and after the cryptic email to back off, i get another one that says "hey how ya doin?" like nothing ever happened friday... i replied as nicely and as non-comittally as possible...and nothing.

weird, we went from talking almost everyday on the phone, to nothing.

well there's a lesson here folks.
first, don't assume you know what another person is thinking/feeling...even if they seem to be into you

and maybe this was a little bit of 'out of my league' type of relationship
nobody can make me a 'better' person...and if i am afraid my issues will be dealbreakers, it's not good to try and pretend they don't exist.
marc is not a drinker or toker... he frowns on it... and while i am not as bad as i could be, i still don't want to feel like i 'cant' partake in evenings out with friends and concerts, etc...or even have a few beers with dinner...

maybe he will learn a lesson from this too
like - don't leave *me* alone with feellings of rejection for too long
cuz i will talk myself out of you - so fast!

i got a list of reasons why it won't work and it is growing
pros become cons really quick when the guy gives up the effort and makes me feel like I have been abandoned.
cuz that just makes me pick up and move on

anyway, we shall see if i hear anything this week...
but my affections are fading, because i don't like being ignored ..!!

[I Have A Dream]

37. I'm sorry that you're still going through this, FirstLight.

It's such a difficult situation. :(

:hug:

[FirstLight]

38. meh

not as difficult as it could be... at least I found out in a relatively short time ...

i need someone who wants to adventure and play and be excited to be with ME and explore, etc

he has a tendency to hide from the world, and feels like it is too much to handle
i am figuring out that this isn't necessarily a trait i enjoy

i am far too outgoing and agressive for someone very reticent
i want a playmate, not a babysitter

[Mira]

39. Me again

if you are anything like me you want to be cherished, appreciated, wooed, and treated with respect for your time, energy and especially your delightful being.
I see none of this happening.
One thing I have learned in a long life and watching myself and others:

The clues to future problems in relationships show up early.
All we must do, in our infatuation delusions, is to polish our halos every morning when we meditate on it so when the clues whiz by we catch them in the glint of the halo.

:)
I wish you well.

[FirstLight]

40. ...ain't that the truth!

I have been seeing this and saying this for a while now "i refuse to have to *convince* anyone that i am worth loving and being with!"

hence, I am glad i was able to see past the infatuation and recognize that the effort and avoidance factor were definitely not a good match...

now, we shall see if he shows up again this week on his days off (tues/wed)...and how to handle it if he does.
I don't mind the total 'fadeout', it has happened before with guys...but marc seemed like he wasn't that type...heh...ya, well...

:grouphug: and thanks, everyone