It's time to forgive him ... but I don't know if I want to *tell* him ...

[Myrina]

.. for those of you who've followed since late summer ... I've been reading Pema Chodron and Janet Woititz's works, and time/distance has helped with the healing process from the wierd dating situation and confusing 'dissolution' (break up isn't appropriate) of ... whatever the hell it was.

Over the past couple days I really feel like I'm ready to take steps in a new direction and with that I feel like I'm ready to forgive him officially. I'd already forgiven him 'unofficially' as part of the work I was doing forgiving myself and breaking old patterns.

Part of me wants to just drop him an email saying basically, "I've been doing alot of reading and thinking, and I just wanted to apologize for my part in how things went down this summer, and let you know that I forgive you and I hope things are going well in your life." The other part of me knows he'll respond and I really don't want to hear from him. I don't want to find out if he's seeing someone, or open the door to a pissing contest or any further 'hey pal' communications from him. But I feel like it's not final final until I actually tell him.

I also thought of posting a generic facebook status message that only he'd understand because I know he still scans my page (he's "liked" comments and notes over the past month even though we've not been "friends" since early September) - that would put it out there without encouraging direct contact.

Anyone get any feelings on this?

Thanks!!! O8)

[I Have A Dream]

1. This is just how I approach things like this...

Personally, I wouldn't say anything officially. I would just make my actions towards him allow him to ultimately understand that I don't hold a grudge.

Unless he agrees that you have something to forgive him for, he'll go on the defensive when you say that you forgive him. (Many people can't see their part in situations like this. :() That being said, if I felt as though I had something for which I should apologize, I would probably just word it as you did: I apologize for my part. (The "my part" added on is a nice touch; it would allow me to not feel as though I was accepting responsibility for the entire mess.)

You are doing such a wonderful job of moving forward, Myrina. Hold your head high and be proud of how far you've come. :loveya:

(Again, this is just what I would do. I'm not saying that it's the correct thing for you.)

[get the red out]

4. What IHAD said

Actions speak louder than words and words are soooo easily misconstrued. Apologizing for "your part" leaves his part up to him with no implications from you that he can use to get things going in a wrong direction.

You are an inspiration. Forgiveness is a very weird thing, you are doing very well.

[BanzaiBonnie]

2. My feeling is that it's not necessary to apologize in person

I practice Ho'oponopono and forgiveness is the name of the game.

Forgive him, forgive yourself and let it go. The only thing you'll likely get out of a personal apology is re-engagement and it sounds as if you don't want that. If you want a physical action to go with the act of forgiveness, write out what you want to say on a piece of paper and then burn it to send the message on it's way.

[mysticalchick]

3. My suggestion?

Talk to his higher self ... if you sit quietly and ask for his higher self to be present, say what you need to. He'll get it on a whole different level and you won't have to deal with all the other stuff. I've done this with dreamwork and also the way I presented above and it's really helped me clear some yuck up.

You could also write a letter and then burn it, sending out the smoke to reach him on another plane.

Just a thought or two.

[WhiteTara]

5. go ahead and write that letter

put all your feelings into it. Say everything you didn't get to say in the relationship. Write as many pages to the letter (on paper with ink/pencil) as you want. Then with great love and ceremony, burn the letter, bury the ashes and say good bye. Let it go. There is much for you to do and little time (only 24 hours to every day.)

Your wanting to "officially" forgive him is (jmho) the ego's attempt to re-engage because you feel incomplete.

Every morning when you get up, go to the mirror; kiss yourself, put your arms around you and tell you how much you love you. Fill the hole in your SELF for yourself. Bear the discomfort of the bad ending. Center yourself in the center of your own being. Then at night before you go to bed, repeat the ritual.

You are worthy. If you allow it, you will be filled with love from the inside rather than the out.

Blessed be. May the unhappiness flow away from you like water flowing to the sea.

[mysticalchick]

6. WT, that was lovely ...

I'm saving it for my journal because I have a feeling I'm going to need it.

And Myrina, three peeps here (me included) suggested writing and burning. I think that's your nudge from the Universe. :)

[Myrina]

7. Thank you ... I've been pondering

:hug: and what I realized this morning is that the part of me that wants to tell him is the ACOA wounded child in me that still needs to have the last word. "It ain't over 'til I say it's over" sort of thing. And I do need to let that go also.

[WhiteTara]

14. you're already there Myrina

I was just reminding you of everything you already know.

You are beautiful and you are enough.
Blessed Be!

[kimmerspixelated]

15. Agreed, that was a wonderful piece of advice.

I had a hard time recently, where eventually I found myself looking into the mirror to tell myself I loved me. Isn't the most important relationship we have, the one we have with ourselves??? I learned that as well recently.It's a big lesson!

[Sweet Freedom]

8. I had a similar situation

after my husband and I separated. I had years of abuse and anger to forgive and set free, so one day, I spent all afternoon forgiving him by having an imaginary conversation with him out loud. I pretended he was there and I said everything I ever wanted to say and forgave him for everything he ever did. Then I wrote down everything I had learned from the experience and everything I vowed to never do again.

To me, it felt that I had truly let him go because there were no physical remnants of my forgiveness; just words. (But, I made the physical record of my lessons, lest I forget. ;) )

So, I agree with the others that there's no need to tell him. The act itself will set you free. :hug:

[I Have A Dream]

9. By the way, check this post from Rick...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=245&topic_id=129273&mesg_id=129279

It seems as though you're doing exactly what you need to be doing right now. :)

[Myrina]

10. LOL, the Universe is really making its point clear, isn't it?

:hi:

[I Have A Dream]

11. Yeah! I wish that It spoke so clearly to me!

:D

I usually have no idea whatsoever what I should be doing, so I just wing it. :shrug:

[Ricochet21]

12. PRECISELY

clearing out old stuff

[Ricochet21]

13. There's nothing wrong with

forgiving him in your heart AND deciding that you want to more interplay. Best of luck. You have 4 planets in Cancer, so wounds take time to heal. You are protecting you now, that's the ticket! :hi: