Need to vent here for a couple minutes …

[Myrina]

... since this is a safe place. Responses not required, I'm just ... mentally bubbling at the moment. :(

College Teen Monster and I were tentatively planning to drive to WI for Christmas with my family-of-origin. We haven’t been there in 6 years – primarily because my family is ridiculously dysfunctional resulting from unresolved issues related to generational alcoholism.

Being the youngest, and also an “oops” (my closest sibling is 8 years older than me), I never felt like – or was treated like - ‘part of the brood’ … I always stood apart. So when I graduated from college, at the ripe old age of 30, I packed up College Teen Monster (who was 5 at the time) and relocated to Indy. None of my siblings has visited me here, none call or send birthday/holiday wishes, in fact when we were home in 2004, one of my brother’s wives didn’t even know I’d moved (we left in 1998)!!

Over the past few years, as many of you know, I’ve gone thru some severe ups and downs, and therapy, and have finally got a grip on the Adult Child/Al Anon issues that bedeviled me for so long. Unfortunately, none of my siblings have recognized or addressed their issues.

A few months ago, one of my sisters issued the edict that “We’re not getting any younger, and we all need to be together this Christmas.” I responded that I would try to make the trip, but it’s a 500 mile drive and December weather can turn on a dime, so I wasn’t going to commit 100% until I knew for sure. She was fine with that, but as the weeks went on, she started telling me in emails about how she talked to “Mary” and they decided that they don’t want “Kathy” to be there because “Kathy’s” family is rude and disgusting, and that they’re not even going to bother to tell “Mike” about it because “Mike’s” wife is “nuts” and won’t let him see the rest of us anyway, and that even though they’ll invite “Dave”, if he does bother to show it’ll be last minute, unannounced, and his daughter’s a slut, etc etc … What happened to ‘we all need to be together this Christmas”?? I was starting to dread this selective family reunion.

Over the weekend the weather forecasts came out and it looks like between here (Indy) and WI, it’s going to be snowing in one place or the other most of the week. Also, College Teen Monster is in a bit of a bind with her university and we may have to scramble to find her living arrangements before next semester starts. Besides, I can put the money I was going to spend on a hotel and rental car to better use on some fixy-uppy repairs on my house. Those things, combined with the creeping ill-feeling about the impending dip into the dysfunctional pool, led me to opt out of the trip.

So I send my regrets and get a positively snarky reply from my sister & it hit me like a big old noodle – my family (and especially this particular sister) doesn’t DO unconditional love! If I would do what she wanted, because it’s what SHE wanted, I would have been a ‘good girl’ and everything would have been hunky dory. Never mind that once it starts to snow and blow across Highway I-43, a polar bear would have a hard time getting through. Never mind that it’s a freakin’ EIGHT HOUR DRIVE each way. Never mind that I would have to kennel my 4 dogs for 3 or 4 days, in addition to the expense for the rental car and hotel. Never mind that none of my siblings has ever made any attempt to visit me here, to see the house I singlehandedly worked so hard to get. I only deserve approval when I do what SHE wants, how she wants, because it's what she wants.

I feel like I’ve made such progress – especially in 2010 – toward working out all the old baggage, moving away from my perpetual depression & really starting to mellow out and experience contentment with myself and my life and make progress on my nonprofit … I like being happy. I like not carrying all the baggage and bitterness that the rest of them still lug around and put out for display at ‘holiday gatherings’. I had to get out my ACOA Bill of Rights earlier today to reinforce myself, so I can only imagine that 36 hours with that group of people would result in me needing 4 more years of therapy and I’ve worked too hard to voluntarily let them drag me back into the madness. Who are these people? And why am I related to them?

I think I need to break out my Pema Chodron books-on-tape this evening ... :hide:

Thanks for listening and making this a safe place to vent. O8)

[I Have A Dream]

1. I don't blame you for not wanting to go or be there...

given how you've described the situation and dynamics. That's what's nice about being an adult -- you get to decide.

Now that you've made the decision, I hope that you can regain your balance and that you will congratulate yourself for deciding to take care of yourself rather than put yourself in a situation that almost certainly would cause you to lose some of the positive momentum that you've built up in your life. If anything, your sister's reaction should make you feel that you've made a very wise decision. Kudos to you for that.

[mysticalchick]

2. I'm glad you stood your ground ...

... it's hard because there's always this idealized family thing going on when the reality of it is not quite as nice. Stay home, do your own thing, make YOURself happy (and your daughter) and bathe in the knowing that you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

Good on ya!!

[BanzaiBonnie]

3. Peace to you Myrina

Follow that which is most alive in you to make your life more wonderful.

Why would anyone want to walk into the middle of that kind of pain? And the guilt your sister is trying to use on you is a form of power over and is violent in nature. It is not loving, although she knows no other way to express herself.

When you are centered in yourself there no need to either submit or rebel. Make your choices for your own highest and best good.

Hold your family in compassion. They are fulfilling their needs in ways that come at a very high price.


But, you know all this. Have a wonderful holiday.

[Dora]

4. Good for you for not being bullied.

It's unfortunate for your family that there is unsupportive background gossip, selectivity and non-inclusive manipulations going on. And it's tragic that their kids will be learning this behavior.

Your daughter is blessed to have a mother like you, because you're modeling some fantastic limit-setting. I think you'll have a very happy Christmas.

[Sanity Claws]

5. let me know how you get past this

You described my situation very well. I finally broke with my family and haven't had contact with any family member in about four years.
My life is still hard but at least it's more peaceful.

Please let me know what you do to cope. I still haven't figured out whether breaking with them was the best thing to do.

[Myrina]

7. Hi Sanity ~

I've been in therapy for a couple years, and I also belong to a message board (not big on in-person group meetings) for Adult Children of Alcoholics. Many, many other family-related issues come up there as well, feel free to stop by:

http://acoa.activeboard.com/index.spark?aBID=42759&p=1

As Cheryl Crow said "You don't bring me anything but down" ... and once I realized and accepted that, my next steps were fairly clear.

The daily meditations from 'The Language of Letting Go' have been priceless for me.

I also read voraciously - Janet Woititz, Robert Sachs, Pema Chodron and try to make myself better, try to accept things one at a time, and try to detach from any emotion of what my siblings do/say to me or about me and try to realize that whatever insinuation that's attached to it is a reflection of their emotional state, not my state of being (inadequate, a loser, fat, a dork, whatever they're trying to get me to buy into). I guess almost literally, trying to live the "whatever you say is just like glue - bounces off me and sticks to you" philosophy.

Its alot of 'stop and think' before I react or hide or strike out (which were my modus operandi for close to 35 years), but it's proven for me to be the best way to manage. If they choose not to assess and deal with the baggage, that's their choice - but I preferred to do the internal housecleaning and move on. Without them, if necessary.


:hug: It'll get better. O8)

[BanzaiBonnie]

9. And you're doing a fine job

[elleng]

6. Congrats, and good to hear this.

Sounds a bit similar to situation btw my daughters, the older, the bully, who has caused serious emotional distress to her younger sister. I've 'interfered' recently, as far as letting olders' fiance know, as well as mutual friend of both of them; they've both scolded me for interfering, so I guess I'll opt out.

Younger told me today she knows that older will probably continue her bullying forever, so I guess this is a good beginning for younger, to have recognized it and, although very painful when it occurs, to be able to step aside and become her own self, as you've done.

Thanks, and best wishes.

:hi:

p.s., We've got alcoholism too, that is, their father, who is 'recovering,' and is also sociopath, which may have been handed down to older. Just looking at that part of the picture for the first time today.

[MorningGlow]

8. Sometimes blood ties isn't what makes family

Sounds like you made the right decision, Myrina. Do what makes you happy and makes you feel safe this holiday season. :hug:

[LiberalEsto]

10. That's really rough for you

I think you were right in refusing to go. I wish you peace.

When I was in my late teens, I fretted constantly about my dysfunctional family. I though it was my responsibility to somehow miraculously fix them.

A college psychologist who I spoke with about this gave me a bit of advice that I have never forgotten,

He said you can't save anyone else unless you save yourself first.

[elleng]

11. Good one, LibEst.

My older daughter (see #6 above) thought she was the 'only one' who could save her father (alcoholic). Now, 'older' is bully. Wish she'd save herself.

[LiberalEsto]

12. Could she be taking out her anger about her father

on your other daughter?

[elleng]

13. Possible, but little 'anger' vs him apparent . more occasional 'frustration.'

but surely is possible, as dysfunctional for quite a while. On surface now, close and attached to father.

Thanks for the thought, will think on it.

[LiberalEsto]

16. Most kids with an alcoholic parent

have a lot of inner turmoil and anger. But they don't dare show it toward that parent because they are afraid of losing the parent's love (what little there may be of it). Instead, they vent it on somebody else nearby -- somebody "safe" like your other child. I think it's called displacement.

My first husband's father was an alcoholic, and each of his 4 kids showed the classic symptoms of children of alcoholics. One tried to distract everyone from the alcoholism by being the perky cheerleader of the family. Another was the achiever who sought attention in order to distract everyone from the alcoholic. One was the spaced out "lost child." And the last one was another achiever. There was no bad kid type.

[elleng]

17. Dear LibEst,

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Myrina]

14. ... or projecting her anger at herself outward ...

... for 'not being strong enough' to change him, or 'not good enough for him to want to change on his own' or 'not strong enough to not care about him one way or the other', or ... or ... or ...

This stuff can mirror itself back onto us in so many insiduous ways ... :(

:hug: to you Ellen, and thanks for the insights Liberal Esto! :hi:

[elleng]

18. SO MUCH here, as Rick has said!

:hug:

:hi:

[Ricochet21]

25. Man, the shit is flyin

Told you about dependencies! Whew! It's happening to me too!

[elleng]

26. Yes, you did, Rick! You doing OK???

Think I'll be able to sleep tonight, due to conversations here!

THANKS to all!

[Myrina]

15. Aaaah yes, said sister has now 'unfriended' me on Facebook ...

... her inability to act like a grownup at age 60 is truly sad. She can toss insults at everyone else like rice on a wedding day but when challenged, she takes it as a 'personal attack' and shuts down in self-pity. I actually feel bad for the control issues and lack of self-awareness she has. :(

I hope and wish that someday she'll find that thread that I found, and start to unravel all of it.

[mysticalchick]

21. You can't control her ...

... only yourself. And you did that beautifully. Allow her to make choices of her own free will knowing that you are not responsible for them. If she unfriended you, so be it. That's out of your control.

(I have a cousin like this and it's been my work to learn to step back and continue on my own path and let her be on hers. It does not affect me and I don't interact with her. I'm just fine with that.)

[eilen]

22. Ha! I have a sister kind of like that

She is so sensitive -- only when it comes back to her! But she can dish it out like nobody's business. She's younger. She unfriended me last summer, like I care! I think FB is stupid anyway (she compulsively checks status etc on it). She disappoints me because she doesn't visit (or call) Mom hardly and lives right by her. I don't get the judgement from her like you do from your sister (although I'm sure she gossips/talks about me because she does about everyone else). I never say anything to her about Mom though because to me, if it doesn't come from her heart then Mom probably doesn't need it.

My sis has major control issues (she got more from our father in personality yet spent way less time with him growing up. Genetics is weird. She is Virgo, lunar Capricorn and south node Cancer.

[elleng]

30. 2 daughters have BLOCKED me, on FB, Myrina!

Family did receive 'apology' of sorts, from older, so she's looking forward. Hope things move for younger.

[MagickMuffin]

19. Sever the cord that binds you and don't look back

I did this after my father's funeral. I saw my mom once when she requested I come to her house so she could give me back the stuff I had given her over the years. When I got home and went through the box all my school pictures were in there. I took this as an indication I was totally out of her life. My second oldest sister was probably behind a lot of this. She always could manipulate me from an early age. But when she attacked me physically the night of my father's funeral that connection was broken forever.

My SIL of my oldest brother stills sends me birthday and xmas cards ( which has a end of year what's been happening in our lives letter ) that tells me all I need to know. I have considered contacting them as they were never poisonous as my other family members.

My oldest oldest sister severed the cord along time ago. She was like my surrogate mom. She took care of me, as my mom was not a nurturing person. I reestablished my relationship with her, but after 9-11 she decided to disconnect from me again. No big loss.


I'm 5 of 7 and the youngest girl. Sister, brother, brother, sister, me, brother, brother. We were all born within a few years of each other.


Since you have made progress without their support I can say that if you were to continue down this path, the baggage can be left on the side of the road and you'll continue to feel the weight becoming lighter and lighter.


:hug:

[PhillyGurl]

20. Yup boundaries are best

My mother has pissed me off for years with her narcissistic, egotistical attitudes about things - I choose when I want to be around her. Sounds harsh, but I find that she continually tries to push my buttons, regardless of my protests.

So I do my own thing, mind my inner compass - as can you. When being with family makes you feel that ill inside, and gives you the feeling that it will take weeks to get over the visit, I say don't subject yourself to it. It's healthier to take care of yourself, and not get sucked into THEIR psychodrama.

It takes a lot to keep healthy boundaries with people that are unhealthy. Kudos to you for doing what you had to do. :hug:

[Myrina]

23. Thanks everyone

:grouphug: I am so grateful to all of you, not only for giving me a safe place to vent, but also for all the support. :loveya:


I know I'm nowhere near perfect (and I'm totally ok with that!) and thank everyone for accepting me as a work in progress.


O8)

[elleng]

27. We're ALL a work in progress, Myrina!

[WolverineDG]

24. At some point, you just gotta say "Fuck 'em"

Just because someone is "family" doesn't give them special rights to demand your presence, especially since they've done nothing to maintain a relationship with you. You did your best to be there, it's not in the cards, you were nice about saying "No." If they can't see that, then forget 'em. Send 'em love & blessings & let that be it. :) If they want a relationship with you, let THEM make some effort for a change.

:hug:

dg

[Proud_Lefty]

28. Congratulations to your strength, Myrina

I'm so sorry you have those horrible family dynamics to consider at all times. They sounds like so many friends and family in my life, so I completely understand your feelings. We all want to feel and be close with family and friends, but when the energies are no negative and all about control and ego, you have to put distance between you for self survival.

I've been estranged from my sister for the past ten years and I can't tell you how much lighter I feel every holidays not feeling pressured to include her and her rude husband, and all her talking behind all our backs to everyone else. She is related by blood and I always wish her well. I never want to anything bad for her. But I realized years ago that it had to be at a distance because she always tried to hurt me out of her own insecurities. I don't need it, don't want it, and won't tolerate it anymore. But as my sister, I love her and send her love and light (from a huge distance). And there, I have found peace. Hope you will too.

You should never allow yourself to feel controlled. You should never feel obligated to be in the presence of, yet ignore such nastiness and pettiness. Create your own peaceful Christmas and follow the Inner light and love to share with your child. Let the others decide if they want to come to you, more on your terms, if they really want the family to come together. Coming together emotionally and lovingly means a lot more than just physically.

Enjoy. You're on the right path. :hug:

[OneGrassRoot]

29. I echo what everyone else has said here...

I hear you, Myrina. I cut the cords long ago and have ZERO regrets. I don't have any guilt about not participating in "family" events; I never felt like I belonged anyway.

(The one thing you wrote about an in-law not realizing you had moved reminded me of one rather painful tidbit. I just have one sibling. When visiting my parents about a decade ago, I went to my dad's office and his secretary said, "Oh my, I didn't even realize he HAD another daughter!" :( It was painful, but especially for my child, who was an invisible grandchild, evidently.)

It's all working out for the best, no doubt. I wish you and your daughter a wonderful holiday....

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Why Syzygy]

31. Good for you!

I'm so glad you didn't allow yourself to be guilt-ed into compromising your integrity. To thine own self be true.

I love this thread. Reading the OP, I kept thinking about "What the Bleep Do We Know - Down the Rabbit Hole". Have you seen it? It's free in a few places online. One segment of the film deals with brain chemistry. People who behave (mis-behave) as you describe your family are addicted to the brain chemicals that are released when they act like asses. Drama addiction. There is no reason you should be sucked into it. The best you can do is to model what rational behavior looks like. Catch that movie if you can.