Did anyone here have a truly *happy* childhood?

[OneGrassRoot]

Especially this time of year we read stories about "the joys we knew in childhood" and "tapping into the simple wonders of our youth," etc.

I wonder, how many people had a truly happy childhood? I've never been one who would return to my youth, be it childhood or teenage years.

I found childhood to be VERY difficult. Life is still difficult, and certainly with many more responsibilities, but I wouldn't trade my now for my childhood. No way.

Just wondering if others had truly happy childhoods (even if not marred by abuse of any sort), or if it's some media-created myth?

:shrug:

:grouphug:

[rosesaylavee]

1. It depends on what is defined as 'happy'

I had a 'fun' childhood until my Dad died when I was fourteen as I started High School. Prior to that tho, I had freedom to do what I needed to do to grow and learn. I had some friends but not many. I had a warm house, a safe place to play and access to a great public library. When my Dad died, my family really should have had some kind of counseling. But as that was only for 'crazy' people, we were collectively crazy for a couple decades working that out for our individual selves.

I wouldn't go back to it but am grateful for the time I had to read and think my own thoughts in a safe place. However, I would like to read on our front porch from that time again.

[OneGrassRoot]

2. I guess that's what I'm asking...

How many people would choose to return and relive it...in its totality rather than just a select few aspects of it?

We can be grateful for the most painful experiences, as they always teach us something and make us who we are today, but do we want to return to that time? Not me. ;)

Growing up I always heard adults say they wish they were children again, and I continue to wonder why? And does that mean they'd truly want to return and relive those days?

It's one of those questions I've had throughout life that I've never asked aloud, and just wonder if others feel the same. Or not. :)

:hug: :hug: :hug: about the loss of your father at such a tender age. That one event impacted your entire life so much, I can only imagine.

"collectively crazy for a couple of decades"....that describes so many families.

I'm glad you had a safe place to think your own thoughts. That's a tremendous gift.

:loveya:

[rosesaylavee]

3. My mom used to talk a lot about her childhood

and would tell us story after story of mainly pranks she and her cousin were able to pull off. Not unlike the kids in 'To Kill A Mockingbird'. I think tho that maybe it's a sugar coated remembrance and/or directly related to missing of the people in their lives from that early time. I am not remembering ever talking with anyone who had an idyllic childhood. Parts of it, yes. All of it, no.

[kentauros]

4. Yes :)

I'm basically the antithesis of the average "spiritual person" it seems. My parents never divorced (they're still alive, too), never abused any of us, didn't have addictions to deal with and generally treated us all well. If anything, we're all a little spoiled, though we don't have problems living on our own, so we were taught good independence skills, too :)

Other than me arguing with my parents in my teen years and at the dinner table most nights {probably because my two older brothers went off to college/university and no longer dominated the conversations) overall, my childhood was blissful :D

[OneGrassRoot]

5. That is so wonderful!!!

:bounce:

Seriously, I really think you're the first adult I've met who genuinely had a happy childhood.

:bounce:

Very, very cool. Thanks for chiming in.

:hug:

[kentauros]

6. You're welcome :)

I listen to plenty of spiritual shows and every time they talk about their horrible childhood, I'm like "Really?" Some have also said that you're more apt to be spiritual, too, if you had a rough life. And yet, I started having spontaneous OBEs at 16 without getting "beat" (a whippin') more than (I think) twice in my life and no other heinous problems.

I'd love to know where I fit into the new-age per their dominant-paradigm criteria :P

[OneGrassRoot]

8. I've never met ANYONE...

forget new-agers...but anyone since I've been an adult who claims to have had a genuinely happy childhood overall (versus moments or brief time periods of happiness).

You win some sort of prize, kentauros! :bounce:

Kudos to your parents, too. :hug:

I think it must be generational though; something about our generation's life experiences in childhood that impacts this, versus our parents' generation.

My mom LOATHED her childhood, yet she was one of those who always talked about wishing she was a child again.

I don't know...maybe it's that, even if they had rough childhoods they had hope, but as adults they lost hope? Or maybe it's that even if it was rough, it was less complicated than the challenges in adulthood?

:shrug:

Like I said, it's just one of those things that's always puzzled me.

[kentauros]

10. The prize is to be perpetually perplexed as to why no one else did?

:P

But it is perplexing. As a child, my friends seemed "normal" as did their parents and families. I didn't know anyone that didn't have both parents around until late in high school; only one had divorced parents, the other two had a parent die. By then, they were all old enough to take care of themselves, so it didn't seem like a hardship for them (from my perspective and their attitudes.)

However, it seems that the ones whose biographies I've read where they had rough times, they all had to fore-go having a childhood at all and be the adult in the family. I can see how that would make people not like their childhoods. Children need time to just be children. So if that's taken away or forced away, it's no longer any fun. Maybe your mother had too much responsibility during her childhood, and wants to get back to it just to have a "real" childhood in place of the old one...

Now, although it wasn't necessarily encouraged as a child, I did spend a lot of time daydreaming, including in school when I should have been paying attention in class. That did make my grades lower and got me into trouble from time to time. But I'm glad I was like that back then. Now I'm putting that well-developed imagination to use ;)

[OneGrassRoot]

24. Daydreaming helped me survive, I do believe.

I think the ability to daydream is one of our greatest gifts as humans.

:loveya:

[Kind of Blue]

48. "Children need time to just be children.

So if that's taken away or forced away, it's no longer any fun."
I like that, Kentauros. Thanks for that piece of brilliance :)

[orleans]

46. you raise a few really interesting questions

i'm sitting here pondering.
wow.
and i'm finding my thoughts a bit contradictory and even puzzling to me because there were a number of fucked up things that happened in my life when i was a kid and i have some really crazy memories that were from very atypical things/situations and a lot of negative/bad situations...

circumstances i would never have put my daughter through

but, even so, i have to tell you i loved my childhood
it never occurred to me until now that, as a child, i must have been a glass half full type of person (whereas now--for years--as an adult i am a glass half empty personality)

i loved my childhood and through it all, regardless of what happened, i always knew i was loved--
and through it all i maintained a sense of innocence

i would absolutely go back and do it all again
in spite of so many things, my childhood remains a time i treasure and cherish

[OneGrassRoot]

47. It really is fascinating, isn't it?

I'm sure studies have been done and books written by psychologists about how adults perceive their childhood in hindsight. I may have to find such books and studies, because this really does interest me.

You know, I can even see a possible parallel with how many people (usually Republicans) look back on the 50s as The Good Ole Days.

Others remember the horrors of the Jim Crow and other glaring inequalities (I don't, personally, as I was born in the 60's) and wonder how anyone can view those as The God Ole Days. Of course, I tend to think it's the racists who look back on those times fondly, but maybe there is more to it...lol.

Maybe there was an innocence about that time period for many; just as many here remember their childhood as filled with a sense of innocence, lost in adulthood, and they'd like to go back and relive that.

I can totally see that. Even if there were bad things occurring -- around you but didn't affect you, or only affected you periodically (not you personally, orleans) -- one can maintain a sense of innocence. Since the 80's -- cable TV and more media outlets coming onto the scene to spread global news, 24/7) -- there has been a hyperawareness. It's hard to maintain innocence with such hyperawareness.

There is a possible parallel. Then again, it could simply be a very, very individual thing, based on all our unique variables and personalities.

I do find it very interesting, though. Mainly, I'm absolutely delighted to find so many DO recall their childhoods fondly. :)

:hi:

:hug:

[orleans]

49. there were bad/negative things that happened to me

personally--but through it all it was/i was okay--it's weird. like the next day was always good or going to be good regardless... i was happy, and oblivious to crap that took place yesterday/before/earlier -- in my head and my heart i moved on/forgave and was happy.

for years of my childhood i was oblivious to "worldly" events-- one of my first moments of awareness of things happening outside my little world was the news story about busing black kids to white schools. at the time i didn't get that it was black kids or white schools--i understood it as kids having to take a bus in order to go to a school far from where they lived and i felt so bad for them because i knew that i wouldn't want to have to travel far from home to go to school. i remember my mom explaining to me that those kids did that in order to go to better schools--and i wondered why some kids didn't have good schools and why we just couldn't make their schools good too so they could walk to school and get to go home for lunch like i did. the issue of race or black and white never occurred to me--kids were kids--and every kid should have a good school by their home. period.

ah, innocence.

and then, probably in junior high, i noticed that there were no black kids at my school--and i couldn't figure out why black families didn't want to live around us.

like i said--ah innocence.

[OneGrassRoot]

50. Indeed...

Innocence.

:)

:hug:

[lildreamer316]

26. See, now , I think

that it's possible that there's a generation or three of us (who also possibly have been categorizeds as "indigo" or "crystal" or somesuch) that were born into genuinely good situations so that we could bring *that* way of thinking/behaving/being/doing firmly and strongly into the conciousness of this reality. So I'd say the opposite is *now* true..if you've had a (genuinely) good/happy/stable childhood, you are more likely to sense your spiritual side earlier..be very aware of it. Because you are unencumbered by needing to ride the karma wheel of having a strongly negative or balancing childhood; one is able to focus on other things; and to grow into them.
But that's just MVHO.

[kentauros]

75. That's a good point and point of view to take

:)

My girlfriend has been asking me about this very thing lately, but I don't really know much about indigos. I know I've heard something about "indigo scouts" but no details other than they were born at least a generation ahead of the current "crop".

Now, one detail I left out that may have had a positive effect on our lives overall was this: I grew up in the same neighborhood where most of the Apollo astronauts and their families lived, and during the Moon landings. So, not only was our little town the focus of the nation, but also of the world. All that positive energy focused on us, even if only for a few years, had to have had some overt effect :)

[japple]

7. I had a happy childhood. Dad was in the army and we moved

around more than most folks, but my parents made an effort to make life fun and interesting for us. When we lived in Germany, we visited most of the countries in western Europe during vacations, skiing in Garmisch, camping on the beach in Barcelona, eating grapes off the vines in the lake region in Italy. Mom and Dad took us to National, State Parks, museums, and tried to give us a well-balanced view of the world as well as a good education. They tried to instill in us a respect for others and a sense of responsibility for helping those who were less fortunate. They both came from large, poor Southern farming families and they wanted their children to have it better than their families.

We went to church every Sunday and it wasn't until my teen years that I started to "smell a rat" as far as organized religion goes. When I left home to go away to school, I rebelled against those religious tenets that I was brought up with, and spent many years smoking, drinking and drugging.

My parents are gone now, but my siblings and I are still very close and we all love to talk about our childhood and the wonderful times we had. My niece (brother's daughter and only progeny in our family) worshiped her grandparents and says they were the greatest influence on her life.

[OneGrassRoot]

9. See? I should have asked sooner

Thank you, japple! That sounds like a wonderful childhood indeed, with a wonderful family.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[japple]

11. I failed to mention one of the most important thing my parents did was

to take us to the library. Mom would take us to the base library and let us check out as many books as we could carry. To this day, that is one of my best childhood memories: coming home with a big stack of new books!

[OneGrassRoot]

25. Ooooh, libraries (and book stores) are a sanctuary for me...

always have been.

I told Mark that when I die, I want to be cremated and have my ashes tucked into a corner here:



Trinity College Library in Dublin

Perfect for this Irish lass!

:hi:

[japple]

28. Ooooohhhh! That looks heavenly to me. I'll bet there's even

a little old woman telling everyone to "sshhhhhhh." Beautiful.

[tigereye]

52. that's a cool idea! Not a bad deal to be around all those

books, esp there.

[PhillyGurl]

36. GAP huh? That is so cool!

I lived in DE twice, as recently as 2009 not far from Garmisch. I loved living in Germany, and probably visited many of the same places you did as a child. I think that is an amazing experience to have had, living in Europe as a child. You are very lucky, and sounds like you know and appreciate it. :) I am thankful that I got to experience it two times, at the ripe ages of 41 and 46! It's been very hard letting go of the things I liked about living there, the amazing beauty of the landscape and the clean organized culture of Germany itself. Plus the ability to ski the best slopes less than two hours from my doorstep, I went skiing almost every weekend from Feb-Apr.! (Back in the US, I despise winter, which is very sad.)

[teenagebambam]

12. In hindsight, I would say

yes, on the whole. Or maybe it's that, as an adult, I'm able to look at the whole experience objectively and focus on the good parts, and maybe even find humor in the bad parts.

My parents were married for 50 years, although my dad was an alcoholic. No abuse involved, and it WAS trying at times, but now when my siblings get together we roll our eyes and laugh at things dad did and said while drunk. We were solidly working class (back when that class still existed) and never had much money, but never felt much hardship either.

I mostly get nostalgic for the community I grew up in - a little self-contained suburban enclave, at least 20 years behind the times - I was growing up in the 1970's, and recognize a LOT of my community in shows like Donna Reed and Leave it to Beaver (the depictions of community, mind you, NOT the depictions of family life!) - it's hard to describe, I suppose, but we still had a drugstore soda fountain (my older brother was soda jerk), were on a first-name basis with the butcher and the mailman, etc. And yet we were in the middle of the city. I want to write a book about it someday!

[OneGrassRoot]

16. Wow, that sounds idyllic!

The community, as you say.

And in the middle of a city? Very cool. :)

:hug:

[teenagebambam]

33. Not idyllic, exactly....

.... just different from most other people of my age bracket.

[MorningGlow]

13. Mine was a mixed bag

I had happy times, but of course my memory is overshadowed by the years after my parents got divorced. If I had to diagnose myself in hindsight, I'd say I spent at least two years, maybe three, deeply depressed over that and being overweight and shy (= bullied in school), not to mention my mother dragging home a truly horrid boyfriend. But then, it wasn't all nonstop misery. I remember lots of good times. Perhaps it's just human nature to remember the dramatic bad stuff more clearly than the peaceful good stuff? :shrug:

[OneGrassRoot]

17. I think I get stuck on the "would you relive that time?" question

There are things we can remember fondly, but would we choose to go back and relive a time period -- versus a mere moment in time?

Nah...not me. I do much better staying in the now and taking one step at a time into the next phase.

:hug:

[MorningGlow]

21. Ooh well then I'd have to say

HELL no! :rofl:

I mean, even thinking back to fantastic times in my life, I still wouldn't want to go back and relive them. Mainly because I strongly suspect that they wouldn't be as great a second time around--then the not-so-great stuff would lose the sheen of nostalgia that has been built up over the years. And I like looking forward instead of back too--otherwise you miss the good stuff coming up, right? :hug:

[OneGrassRoot]

23. Right! :) I just posted this at Facebook....it seems fitting:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-lessons-about-being-present-freedom-is-where-my-feet-are/

:hi:

[get the red out]

14. I'm right there with you

Growing up with a Mom suffering from mental illness, and being a target for bullying at school wasn't conducive to a lot of nostalgia. There were good moments anyway, but since age 28 life has been much better than my childhood. I would NEVER trade conscious adulthood for powerless childhood, no way!!!!!

[OneGrassRoot]

19. That's IT! "powerless childhood"

That's it for me, at least. I felt I had no control over anything...I felt powerless and vulnerable.

Conscious adulthood over a powerless childhood.

Spot on, my friend!

Thanks...:hug: :hug: :hug:

[FirstLight]

15. yes & no

I have memories that suck, for sure...

BUT I also have memories of times that i was truly happy and at peace...times where i sang at the top of my lungs for the sheer joy of it, times that I laughed till i cried, times that I ran and played and rode my bike like the wind..

those are the memories i choose to think of when those childhood cliches are brought up.

It's not as if we can say childhood as a whole was perfect or not, but even in the darkness of our struggles, we can find memories of joy.

Funny, and most of mine were sitting in nature, just like the space i create for myself NOW to feel at peace ;)

[OneGrassRoot]

20. I hope everyone has at least some joyful memories...

Even if we wouldn't choose to return and relive those times, I do hope everyone has joyful memories that are tucked away to bring out when needed. It's important to tap into those pleasant memories, imho.

"...even in the darkness of our struggles, we can find memories of joy."

Absolutely. Well said! :hug:

[lildreamer316]

18. A (slightly reserved) Yes.

I had a wonderful childhood; magical; beautiful. The only thing that marred it was that my mother was a bit emotionally/verbally abusive (not in a cussing sort of way,but in an emotionally manipulative sort of way - but I was born to see this coming a mile away,and our main conflict always came from her not being able to understand why she couldn't control me...and my many ways of avoiding it. This is why I believe I'm an 'indigo').

However, I don't want to return to my childhood inasmuch as I want to just create a safe place at home like I had then. I am still psychically attached to my childhood home space just because of what it represented and the calming power it had. I begin to think the physical place itself had some sacredness to it. It is gone now (highway paved over it) and I keep trying to find a place that 'feels' the same. I've discussed this before here at ASAH, I think.

But my childhood itself - wonderful, but very protected. I am inclined to think that was for a reason. It's given me a unique and very positive outlook on life and on people, and that foundation cannot easily be shaken. I am also very aware of how little I will ever understand what it must be like for most people, whom it seems have come up in some sort of unloving or abusive circumstance. I think part of my 'mission' in life is to prove to some people that it is actually possible to have a great childhood and trust and believe in people without getting seriously hurt or killed. Of course, I still have the rest of my life to live in that philosophy..or not, lol (*looks around for swords hanging over head*).

Well anyway..hope that somewhat answered your question.

[OneGrassRoot]

22. That's beautiful, lildreamer....

Really, really beautiful. I felt good just reading your words. :hug:

I am so glad to hear that others DID in fact have a positive childhood. That truly fills my heart so! :loveya:

I really, really should have asked this question long ago. :)

I find your entire post VERY inspiring, and it makes a lot of sense.

Thank you. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[lildreamer316]

27. Oh certainly!

I am glad to have brought some joy today :)

It seems kentaros (gotta check spelling) and I had similar-feeling experiences. Oh, I was quite spoiled in many ways..but I was certainly taught the value of hard work, of doing things one's self and 'right the first time'; and the value of a dollar. My parents were born in the Depression to very poor families.

The peace of my home...you could just float there. I made friends with the house and the trees and the land. Being an only child helped all of this, of course. I dunno how it would have been with siblings; but I like to think it would have been just as much fun, if not more :)

And my Christmases? OMG. Just absolutely magical, almost Currier & Ives -ish. Minus the actual sleigh and snow most of the time, but other than that..ridiculous. I'll have to write a book, too. Sheesh.

To be honest, I probably don't have a right to complain about anything else in my life; I think I used up my full allotment of 'good stuff' in my first 15 years. It was probably worth me suffering for the rest of whatever I have left.

[I Have A Dream]

29. No, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

My early life was very difficult, but my mother's love allowed me and my siblings to use those difficulties as learning experiences rather than viewing them as punishment of some sort. If we hadn't had our mother's unconditional love, we would not have been able to do this.

Each of my siblings has separately said to me that they wouldn't change anything about their early life, and I feel the same way; we're much stronger, more empathetic adults because of it. We understand things that most others can't.

That being said, I'd never want to have to live under those same circumstances again. (i.e., I'm glad that those lessons are already learned.) I feel that children are able to handle hardship more easily than adults can as long as they have at least one loving, stable adult in their lives so that they have one place where they feel safe.

[OneGrassRoot]

31. I completely agree, IHAD...

I wouldn't change it or trade my childhood (though at the time I often thought I'd love to have another's life), but I wouldn't want to live under those circumstances again. We can appreciate life's challenges as learning experiences and "character builders" (don't we have enough character already, for cryin' out loud?! ;) and value them, while not wanting to repeat them.

:loveya:

[Cleita]

30. I think I was happy until my grandmother died

when I was six. My mother and I were separated from my father during WWII for four years. When my parents reunited, they never got along after that even though they stayed married. It made for an unhappy home life with many separations and reunions between them not to mention the fights and a lot of their unhappiness blamed on me. Also, the fact that we traveled so much and I had to change schools frequently didn't help. Since there was the difference in seasons between North America and South America, I often found myself attending school year round, repeating grades or catching up not being in school for six months, not to mention the different languages I was taught in. It all ended when I was in high school and they put me in boarding school. I didn't see them except during the summer break then so I was out of the maelstrom at last. However, when I think of the adventures and learning that went along with the craziness, I wouldn't change my childhood either. My childhood experience was essential to me becoming who I was.

[OneGrassRoot]

32. Yes....

"My childhood experience was essential to me becoming who I was."

I agree.

(It sounds like you had quite a fascinating childhood, Cleita!)

:hug:

[LiberalEsto]

34. I was sometimes happy when I was alone

playing in the woods or reading in my room
but most of the time other people - parents, brother, classmates - made me miserable.

[OneGrassRoot]

42. ....

[PhillyGurl]

35. I enjoyed nature very much as a child

Looking back, I realize how fortunate I was to spent age 8-12 on the southern shore of Lake Erie in a very small town in Ohio. There was a certain predictable rhythm to life there, very much centered on the seasons and the lake. I was out in any kind of weather, exploring, swimming, digging, fishing, skating. As an only child, I was super self-reliant and had fun even if there was no one to play with. I lived close enough to my grandparents that I could go stay overnight with them frequently. My mother is always amazed that I speak so fondly of my childhood, I had a terrific relationship with my stepfather (I consider him my Dad, because my biological father was never in the picture). My relationship with my mother was fraught with tension on and off, but I remember the good times we had, our boats, friends with boats that we water skiied with, summer bonfires, ice skating parties, sledding & hot chocolate. In fact, I am still in contact with my best friend from 3rd grade, and when I get back to visit we always get together and rehash old times. Honestly, I think those years were the most carefree and happiest of my life.

It saddens me to think that most kids today will really never experience the freedom, the ability to enjoy the outdoors, and interact with nature the way I was able to back in 1968-1972. Our world is too complicated now, and technology (cell phones, texting, video games, etc.) has edged out the pure joy of building a fort in a field or staring at the clouds doing nothing. I don't know, maybe I am looking through rose-colored glasses, but life just seemed so much more simple then, we didn't have a lot of money, but our lives were very rich with friends and family. OGR, I would go back in a heartbeat and relive my childhood! :hug:

[FirstLight]

37. nature...me too!

My folks bought 40 ac. in the wine country in no cal when i was 7...it was my favorite place to be. The closest neighbor was a mile away as the crow flies, it was redwood rainforest. We went up there every weekend so my dad could work on the place...but my mom and sister hated it and he ended up doing alot of it alone.(but we'd bring up family friends to help from time to time too)

After breakfast, i would usually pack a backpack and say 'bye mom' and just take off to go sit in my favorite tree, sing like snow white and try to get the animals to come to me ;) I'd slide doen the grass on a piece of cardboard, excavate roads for my hot wheels, and catch lizards and make a home for them in a bucket (much to my mother's distaste)

Now I live in rural mountains and my kids have that same kind of life to some extent...except for video games!

[PhillyGurl]

38. being out in nature is the BEST

your kids are very lucky! I think that is probably why I liked Germany so much when I lived there, because I was outdoors a lot, and lived on a gorgeous glacial lake. There was something to do each season. Although the summers were short, they were temperate and unlike this unbearable slop we have on the East Coast. Winters I spent skiing; now I work M-F, and taking a walk at lunchtime is all but impossible. :( I think it is the lack of interaction with nature that I miss the most about living in the US again.

Life seems so much more isolating today than it did when I was a kid, and compared to living in Germany recently. I try not to let myself become sad about it, but it is very hard at times. Believe me when I say, if I won the lottery, I would pack it up and move back to Europe somewhere.

[OneGrassRoot]

43. I'm so happy for you, PhillyGurl...

That is so awesome. :hug:

I remember visiting family in Port Clinton (?), Ohio, and loved it there. It had a very small-town atmosphere...very cozy. Not sure how close that is to where you grew up, but your sharing reminded me of those visits.

:hug:

[PhillyGurl]

51. An hour or so away

little town between Sandusky & Cleveland, called Vermilion. Nicknamed the 'Venice of Lake Erie' because of the Lagoons (beautiful subdivision on the Vermilion River complete with boat slips behind almost every homesite)

[SheilaT]

39. I would not want to go back

and relive most of my adult life, unless I could actively change a bunch of things. But just to go back and be twenty-five again. No, thank you. I'd actually prefer to go back to parts of my childhood.

All of our experiences are for a reason. Happy childhood, unhappy one, it's all for the learning.

My own childhood was a mixed bag. My father was an alcoholic who was becoming more abusive as time went on. My mother finally packed up the five kids still at home (oldest brother was off in the army by then) and moved us from Utica, NY to Tucson, AZ. In both places there were good times and hard times, and I'm the person I am today because of everything that happened.

There IS a tendency on the part of books, TV, movies, etc., to portray childhood as if it's supposed to be wonderful all the time. Unfortunately, a lot of people who ought to know better fall for the myth-making and try to recapture an idyllic family that never existed for them when they get together this time of the year with said family. Every single year on this board people post about why they refuse to see family, or how incredibly awful it was to see them. It behooves all of us who are adults to behave as adults, and not get trapped in fretting over a past that can't be changed.

Heck, I have a brother that I find so incredibly boring that recently I was in the city he lives in and did not let him know, nor did I visit him. That's a little shabby of me, but if there aren't other family members around I just cannot endure his boring, endless conversation about things that have no interest for me.

[OneGrassRoot]

41. I'm not big on the whole "biological" aspect of family...

If I met most people to whom I'm blood related at a party, I wouldn't choose to develop a relationship with them. I'd be polite and go my own way, recognizing that we have nothing in common...not about anything I feel is important.

I hear you and don't think it's "shabby" of you to have not contacted him. It's honest. :)

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Fire Walk With Me]

40. What is "childhood"?

:rofl:

[OneGrassRoot]

44. Word

;)

I think that's a common theme, and sort of a "duh" aspect to my question: Those of us who feel we didn't even experience childhood are the ones less likely to think of it fondly.

I'm still longing for that child-like, carefree abandon. Maybe that's why I'm so enamored of Tink!




:hug: :hug: :hug:

[kimmerspixelated]

45. Yes.

I always loved and trusted my parents. I knew I was loved, although I think my Father was a little distant at times. I was 18 when the truth came out about my father's other life, and it was hard leaving for college, when I knew Dad was leaving, too. It was SO hard on Mom!! I'm always amazed to find there are households where so much dysfunction occurred. Hubby had a pretty bad childhood. He lost trust in his Mom and one of his step-dads beat him.

I find it interesting to discuss this, looking back at my parent's life, both from the depression era. My Mom's Dad died when she was a toddler,and my Grandma was a single Mom-back in the day when that wasn't common..... and my Dad was raised on a farm and was jealous that his Dad spent so much time with the cattle/cows(money makers). Dad had to work hard b4 and after school, y'know I think he resented the fact that we girls had it so easy...raised in the burbs....as a side note...I was told by someone here that there was a possibility that my father was my same father from another lifetime!

I must admit that really makes me think about family memories a lot.

[OneGrassRoot]

55. "I knew I was loved..."

That seems to be another key element of those who remember childhood fondly.

I'm glad you had childhood you remember fondly; it sounds like things got complicated by the time you went off to college. :(

It's interesting to ponder these things periodically....

:hug:

[kimmerspixelated]

59. Yes, it is!

Hugs to you!

[Celebration]

53. my childhood was happy

My dad was a successful doctor whose down time was always doing things with the family, especially us kids. His favorite thing to do was to make sure we developed eye hand coordination so we played baseball, tennis, and badminton a lot. Mom was always there when I needed her, but didn't push me much or try to run my life. They allowed me a lot of freedom, rarely got angry with me. I was the youngest, so they were a bit older than most parents so they didn't seem as fun as some of them. We had some tragedies in the family so it wasn't all a picnic. Plus I had the deep Scorpio sun sign stuff going on. I was very young for my grade so that caused some social issues in school. But, overall, it was a good childhood. My neighborhood was particularly great, and I could pretty much roam all over it in my bike.

Definitely got the spiritual stuff from my mom's family even though it wasn't really her thing. But my first cousin does reiki, for instance, and we didn't really grow up together. I heard lots of fairy stories from that side of my family--sort of tongue in cheek.

I feel bad for people with bad childhoods. I just didn't have much to overcome.

Interestingly, my sister always felt mom was bossy. I guess Mom was over all that when I came along.

[OneGrassRoot]

56. I'm glad, Celebration!

I am SO encouraged to hear about so many who remember their childhood fondly.

Yay! :hug:

[GliderGuider]

54. Yes, yes, yes! (With a warning)

The warning is that I'm about to gush in a most unseemly manner...

My parents celebrate their 65th wedding anniversary this year. Even in retrospect they were about as perfect as parents could possibly be. They were both university educated in the sciences (biochemistry and physics), liberal, loving, socially engaged, non-religious, reasonable and rational, tolerant, passionate about everything they did, fascinated by the world and all its cultures, and enthusiastic travelers. The family spent two of my father's sabbatical years abroad - in Holland in 1957 and in Paris in 1968. On each of those years we spent the summer before and after the school year on the road camping throughout Europe. Thanks to them I was able to participate in the student uprising in Paris in May 1968, then in July saw the end of the Prague Spring just before the Russians invaded Czechoslovakia.

There was no abuse of any sort, and barely any harsh words. I think I was spanked twice. My father was a violinist as well as a research biochemist, so the house was always filled with classical music. My mother was deeply involved in socialist politics, active in every election that came along and deeply committed to a wide variety of social justice causes.

My parents encouraged my two sisters and me to become whatever we wanted to be, to follow our own hearts and minds in all ventures, to doubt revealed wisdom and resist arbitrary authority. We called them by their first names from the moment we could talk (they insisted, believing that respect was earned through actions, not bestowed by titles). My complaint as a rebellious teenager was that they had given me so little to rebel against.

As a child my days were consumed by incessant reading and long walks alone in the woods on our small farm, deep in thought. Dinner time was magical, as the discussions were always intense, with science, social issues, politics and philosophy the staple topics. We three children were given ample space to contribute, and our thoughts were given as much respect and consideration as those of any adults present.

It all seemed so normal, prosaic and even banal at the time. Only in retrospect did I realize what a miracle it was. I have never had children of my own, so I try to pass on my incredible good fortune to the world at large.

[OneGrassRoot]

57. Wow...

Now THAT is my kind of gushing! It does seem like a miracle family/upbringing.

My complaint as a rebellious teenager was that they had given me so little to rebel against.

:rofl:

And how wonderful that your parents are to celebrate their 65th anniversary this year!

:applause:

The whole thing...it's all so very wonderful...:hug:

[nenagh]

60. I am going to borrow the concept of your lovely childhood,

thank you GliderGuider... :)

I had an extremely difficult Mother, who was prone to terrifying rages. Now she had endured a complete hysterectomy in order that my twin and I could be born..way back in the dark ages, before HRT was ever heard of and for many years prior to her demise she looked like my father's mother, ie she aged quickly, but with a disposition that was scary and unpredictable....I was terrified of her verbal outbursts for much of my childhood and young adult years... :(

However years ago, though divorced now, I married a lovely Irish man and moved with him to his hometown.. in Tipperary, Ireland. In fact he has the exact same birth day as my own.

There I learned a lifelong lesson.. because I met his Mother and other wonderful Irish women who became mothers and they had a different way of treating their children from the upbringing I was used to. They loved their children unconditionally.. I watched as they treated their children with love and humour and lots of hugs.

One memory I have is of a mother 'disciplining' her child who was about 4 yrs old. He had somehow put himself in harms way. All her little family of children had gathered around her, crying and upset.. and this lovely golden woman said to her child.. " You see, if anything ever happened to you.. there would be so many tears.." It was a beautiful moment.. she did not yell.. or berate him.. but her explanation resonated with his little heart and in his little head like nothing else she could have said. I remember to this day with a lump in my throat.

Over the years I became a single parent after moving away from Ireland and undertaking the economic care of my little family. It took me many years of therapy to overcome the emotional abuse and dysfunction of my growing up years .. but one day I heard the counsellor say..'You have broken the chain of abuse in the family" .. It was wonderful to hear.

So this Christmas, our little family had a visitor, a girlfriend of one of my sons.. and she was extremely prickly.. and difficult.. and nearly ruined our little family's Christmas. It transpired that she had experienced unpleasant Christmas's with her step Mother.. but it was disconcerting for our little team who was used to happy times at Christmas.

The other siblings were thinking of saying something simple and not too pointed to their brother who they love dearly, because they were worried about the negativity this girl could sometimes manifest...

Thank goodness before we all embarked on a mission that could have backfired and caused hurt feelings, late last night I had an inspiration..

I remembered that at the exact same age as this girl is, that I had been given a great gift.. that of seeing actual unconditional love and how it was manifested by loving mothers in the lives of their families. And that the best way to honour that gift I was given is to try passing it on to this girl who has very damaged memories of Christmas and who has definite difficult memories of her life with her step mother.

Thank heavens for the mental prompt last night.. which is in retrospect a no brainer :) but gives all of us a positive path and has also imparted in us a sense of cheer about our holiday memories and gives our little family a pleasant goal for 2011 and beyond..

Thank you OneGrassRoot.. I see from my reading that you too have Irish connections which I sense from your large heart. Be proud of your Celtic heritage I never tire of telling my children :)

[OneGrassRoot]

63. You feel so very familiar to me, nenagh...

I feel as though I've known you before. Perhaps in Ireland, in a previous life? :)

I'd like to think so. :hug:

Thank you for sharing this, and for gifting that young girl (as well as your neighbors, as you posted elsewhere), with the gift of love this holiday season.

I love to read your words. I can imagine sitting next to a warm hearth, next to you, as you share your wisdom.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[I Have A Dream]

65. Yes! I feel the same way!

:D

[OneGrassRoot]

66. Maybe we were all there together?

:)

:hi:

:hug:

[nenagh]

76. Thank you so much, I Have a Dream ..

How lovely it is to read that on a chilly January morning :)

and how wonderful that would have been,

Take Care and thanks again.. :)

[nenagh]

74. Wouldn't that have been wonderful OneGrassRoot and all those lucky enough

to have experienced some of the love I saw so vividly..

I'd love to think that we all were part of an Irish community in a past life... :)

Or any of the ancient sacred sites ..


Thank you OneGrassRoot for having the courage to post this question, because surely writing this down helps us bring either difficult memories into focus and we see that we are not alone..

Take Care.. all and many thanks for this great forum which restores my soul.. time and time again :)

[I Have A Dream]

64. This made my heart happy, nenagh.

It is so wonderfully sweet.

I am also of Irish-descent, and although we were very poor, my mother gave us the same type of unconditional love that you describe. Even at the time, I realized what an amazing gift it was and what an amazing gift she was (and is).

Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm glad that you were able to pass on the gift to someone else who needed it. :hug:

[I Have A Dream]

62. This is so wonderful!

I especially loved "My complaint as a rebellious teenager was that they had given me so little to rebel against."

Thank you for what you add to the world, GliderGuider. :)

[bigmonkey]

82. I think I want to go back to your childhood.

:rofl: Is that an option?

[Proud_Lefty]

58. I hated my childhood

I guess I fit under the "Ugly Duckling" syndrome. My parents loved me and never treated me badly, but I was the baby in a family of five and they were always working hard trying to keep a nice sized house over our heads. My brothers were close to my age and teased me to tears every single day, sometimes every hour. We didn't have much money and I had only a few clothes and one pair of shoes. My mother had no sense of hair or style to help my appearance. At school, I remembered being called the "Ugliest Girl in Town" While most my classmates went on nice summer vacations, I spent every day of the summer alone, watching TV, talking to myself in the mirror and trying to find a way to make the day go by. My weekends were comprised of the same lonely existence. There were only two young girls in my neighborhood and they treated me like your common pest. They were mean, but I was willing to put up with anything just to get out of the house and that still wasn't very often. I was so lonely, so hungry for friendships, but had no many mean kids around me instead.

Would I go back? NO WAY!!!! It felt like I was in an emotional prison. I paid my dues, moved on and would never, ever want to experience that ever again. It was truly miserable. As my kids were growing, I watched them closely and tried everything I could to help them avoid anything similar to what I had gone through. That being said, my mom had tried hard to help me as well, but she just couldn't do anything about it.

I have to add in here that I am happier now than I've ever been in my life. My main goal in life had become to make friends, real friends, to love them with all my heart and allow myself to accept the love they can return in whatever form is comfortable with them. Now my days are always filled with fun activities, so much so that I cherish my days of sitting and relaxing, especially when I can do it alone. Since my parents were so strapped financially, whenever I did get anything, I appreciated it so much and never tossed it aside, like my kids do with everything they get. I've tried to help them understood without having to go through the same living hell I went through to learn that valuable lesson.

In short, while there were many invaluable lessons learned, I'd never ever, ever, ever, ever want to go back and do it again.

[I Have A Dream]

61. P_L....

"My main goal in life had become to make friends, real friends, to love them with all my heart and allow myself to accept the love they can return in whatever form is comfortable with them."

You do this so amazingly well. Not everyone can accept what I can give in friendship given that I have a very strong need to isolate myself quite often. You are definitely an exception. Thank you for your love, my friend. You have been such a blessing to me and to my family, honorary sister. :loveya:

[Proud_Lefty]

69. Ah, Dream, what a wonderful thing to say

I love you and your family so much. I always find it amazing how much time can pass and when we talk, it's like no time at all since we last talked. You have taught me so much. :loveya:

[I Have A Dream]

77. My friend, we have learned together.

You and I have blazed a trail for ourselves together. I'm so glad that we didn't have to do it alone.

:loveya:

I just want you to know that it was all of those people's loss to not have seen the amazing person that you are. I know that you went through that for an important reason, but I'm so sorry that you were so hurt by it. I do know that you have so many people who love you now, and you don't take any of their love for granted. Maybe that's at least a bit of a silver lining from that experience. So many people never understand what it is to feel truly alone.

[Proud_Lefty]

79. Your words are so kind and loving.

With people like you in my life, Dream, how can I not feel like the richest person alive? :hug:

[OneGrassRoot]

67. Well, you certainly are a beautiful soul....

inside and out.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

As much as childhood can be magickal...it can also be so traumatizing, even seemingly benign events causing scars to last a lifetime.

As IHAD said, you certainly have reached your goal as an adult, gifting others with your unconditional love.

Thank you, and bless you, Proud_Lefty! :hug:

[findrskeep]

68. My childhood was very, very difficult.

But, I know the hard lessons and life experiences made me who I am today. And because of having such a rough time, I have SO much gratitude for my life today. I'm still working on healing from the experience. As I'm sure a lot of us are doing. With the ongoing shift, so much is coming to the surface to heal and release.

[Proud_Lefty]

71. Glad you can see it and appreciate it

Gratitude and appreciate if the best medicine for the healing process.

[OneGrassRoot]

73. ...

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Proud_Lefty]

70. Thank you, OGR, for coming into my life as well

As I said, I am so much happier now, especially with people like you, Dream, and others here on ASAH, becoming such a great part of my life.

I really didn't spell out my childhood trauma, fishing for compliments. I know good things came out of the lessons I learned, but I just wouldn't want to ever go through anything like it again.

[OneGrassRoot]

72. Oh, I know...

I know you weren't fishing for compliments.

And I truly appreciate you sharing your story. I don't know what I expected when I asked the question in the OP, but I'm humbled by the openness of everyone who has shared their stories.

:hug:

[Proud_Lefty]

78. It's been a great thread

Thanks for starting it. :hug:

[Manifestor_of_Light]

80. I have a theory about this.

My observation:

Where I live, the people are politically conservative and very scared of anyone who is different from them. They are fearful and threatened, They are usually devout fundy Christians and depressed all the time because of that. Their families are quite dysfunctional due to a father or mother who is a control freak and wants to hide from the world. They are ethnically homogeneous and have not traveled. They are not curious about the outside world because they think if their kids get to the city or go off to college, they are going to hell.

On the other hand, I know a lady from a nice family that is the most ethnically mixed family I have ever met. Dad is French-Chilean and Mom is Swiss-German and they met in Minnesota. Dad is a professor. The daughter that I know is kind, talented and bright (She has a Ph.D. in the same field her father teaches in.)
I've met her parents and her brother and his family. They all seem to be far happier and more pleasant than most people I've met. DH and I recorded a CD of songs with her. She wanted to sing "Cabaret Songs" so we produced a CD of them. She has quite a good voice. I played the piano on "Autumn Leaves" and "S'Wonderful" and "Perfidia". It was fun.

OK, my theory: Ethnically and socially isolated families (at least the white rural ones I've seen) are dysfunctional due to there being only one way to look at situations. Generally the control freaks lose control when the kids grow up; they may threaten or kill the wife or kids if they don't obey. They are very negative and punitive and soul sucking. Other ways of dealing with situations are dismissed as "only crazy people go to shrinks".

Ethnically more diverse/more educated families are aware of more different approaches to a problem, so they have more resources to solve them. Does this make sense?

===========================
My family was educated but ethnically restricted - WASPs who had gone to college and were very much into education, but living in an industrial suburb with blue collar workers. My parents were of the generation that said "only crazy people go to shrinks". This was before Phil Donahue invented the modern talk show where people spill their guts. In the 60s nobody talked about wife beating, child abuse, sexual molestation, date rape, etc. so a lot of people were living in hell but had no one to tell about it and no place to go. Oftentimes, if a victim toldl the authorities they were being molested, they were not believed and were punished for telling the truth.

Most of my childhood was pretty bad although my parents did try. Mom was a jailer who didn't want me to have any friends. The house was miserable because we didn't have enough air conditioning. Mom was passive aggressive and dad was an out and out control freak at times. She would go out and buy herself hats and shoes and purses she didn't need to "get back" at dad. The good part was my music lessons, music camps and orchestra trips. Otherwise I would not have gone anywhere. Dad refused to go on vacations because he was a stick in the mud and wanted to control Mother. Mother developed a serious prescription downer problem and I became the surrogate wife who went places with Dad. I found out from a book that this is called emotional incest.

I only got rewarded for making good grades and performing music. I was not praised for my appearance, and was often told I was slow and lazy. I had a dead thyroid from the age of ten years, and I inherited the tendency from my mother.

I went to law school because I wanted to be a lawyer like my dad. He was the rational functioning adult in the family. I had no good female role models. Mom and her friends were all taking Miltown and Valium (and much heavier drugs as well) so they would not go out and riot or something.

[OneGrassRoot]

81. Your theory makes sense...

Thanks for sharing Manifestor_of_Light.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Manifestor_of_Light]

83. You are welcome.

I think I have discovered another instance in which diversity adds strength.

:hug: :grouphug: