I am so embarassed

[FirstLight]

went to a Bday BBq for my new boss yesterday.... it was nice, and I stayed too late... and drank too much... :(

My babysitter called the boss house because i took so long to get home, and when i rolled up i was wasted and should NOT have been driving.
I don't even remember the babysitter's mom picking her up...

oh geez! so i was drinking margaritas, like lemonade...it was hot i was thirsty and i totally forgot the tequiila factor until it was too late. and that stupid cognitive ability was gone so i didn't stop when i should have had dinner instead.
It wasn't till this morning that i realized that i couldn't remember getting home and pieces of the evening after that...gawd, did i make a fool of myself at the party? dread, embarassment and more dread

worrying about going to work tomorrow, my boss is gonna ask me if i was okay, and probably give me a lecture about driving drunk.

i know, i know, it was wrong, bad and stupid! I just don't know where my common sense went...well, i guess i do, i threw it in the blender with the margaritas! shit! I so rarely go out and get to be with grownups, that i overcompensate and get myself in trouble....

*sigh* no amount of penance can help, the damage is done, and now more than one person probably thinks i am a lush...

[kimmerspixelated]

1. Whew!

Just take a deep breath, and realize that in a few days the memory of this will be less and who knows, there might be some silver lining attached waiting to be revealed...hang in there!

I used to have a real thing for Ritas myself!!

[FirstLight]

2. ya, i am surprised i didn't feel worse this morning

good news is that the babysitter is the daughter of a college friend whom i have partied with on several occasions, so she covered for me as far as telling her daughter that stuff happens, and we all make mistakes...
then she called me when i got off work and chewed me a new one and told me to CALL her for a ride if i ever get that way again...

:facepalm:

and you are right, it's *me* who feels the worst, most will forget about it in a day or so... i hope

[findrskeep]

3. Just remember that all the people who saw you have

probably done the same thing themselves if not worse. And it probably wasn't as bad as you think. The not remembering part makes us think it was much worse than it really was. Most of us have been there FL...and if it's not getting hammered on too many margaritas, it's something else.. everyone has something they are ashamed of or feel some guilt about. Try not to beat yourself up too much, it's not like you make a habit of it! :pals:

[Ricochet21]

4. FL, I'm so confused

If you're so embarrassed, then why do you publish the public details here? I don't understand. What do you hope to accomplish by this? I'm truly curious?

[SheilaT]

5. The really, REALLY dumb thing

was to drive in that condition. It's also scary that you can't recall everything that happened. There's a word for that. It's called blacking out. The other part of this story seems to be that the people you were with were also consuming large amounts of margaritas. Or other alcohol.

Really dumb. You are so lucky you're not posting this from jail, or a hospital bed.

I like to drink, but I'm absolutely rigid with myself about only having one drink if I'm going to have to drive afterwards.

[southerncrone]

6. FL, this sounds like self-sabatoge.

You have struggled so much with employment these last few years. WHY would you not stay in control of yourself when you were with your NEW BOSS, especially on his BD? An excellent way to LOOSE your job! You'll be lucky if you just get a lecture.

You know you have an alcohol problem. Don't subject yourself to it. Drink water or cola or juice.
Perhaps this is Pluto forcing you to take a serious look at this aspect of yourself that you MUST address at this time. Take note. You've spoken about this many times lately here. Now JUST. DO. IT......DON'T. DRINK. You will gain so much self-respect if you conquer this. As others have stated, you are lucky to be alive, as are those who were on the road with you. Think about that.

You are stronger than this. Allow yourself to ascend. Now is the time. :hug:

[get the red out]

7. Great message southerncrone

I agree, and I'm someone who survived a serious problem with alcohol, I absolutely know exactly how Firstlight feels, intimately. Mistakes don't have to be repeated ad infinitum. I used to not know that old patterns could be broken, and at this stage in my life I know that there are many ways to break these patterns we just have to make the choice to do so.

Firstlight, you are a great person, just know that you don't have to repeat, all is a learning experience if we allow it to be. I also understand completely the need to reach out, to say to someone "I've done it again". It's ok, just remember we can make a choice to seek a way to do things differently.

Blessings to you.

[Ricochet21]

10. Great advice

you can do this FL.... don't drink and drive and kill someone, that's all you need.
You can grow out of this!

[OneGrassRoot]

8. There's a lot of love and wisdom in this thread....

I hope you read the three posts above mine with an open heart, FL, and feel the love and concern -- and faith in you -- contained within.

:hug:

[Celebration]

9. yes

I am in your camp and that of the last three posters. My family has personally been affected by drunk drivers, so it is probably best for me not to comment directly.

[FirstLight]

11. thanks and

i am sorry... sorry for asking you guys to 'help' me when i know it is my own stupid bullshit.

there's this stupid part of me that think i need a keeper sometimes, when really the fact is i need to grow up and take battrer care of myself.

regardless of my consequences at work or the loss in 'cred' it was a wake up call of the highest degree.

i hope you guys can pray for me, and that you don;t mind me posting at 10pm when i am trying not to go to the corner store for a beer just so i can sleep.

this sucks, i don;t like myself a lot right now.
and yes, i have taken too many chances with my life and others, i know that too. i am sorry for that as well.

gotta go take a shower and face the music.

[Ricochet21]

12. You don't need to apologize

we're just trying to help. Thanks for your parents birth info. I will take a look at it and see how it intermingles.
I know you have no money, I will read for you for free if you want.

When big planets hit, it can be painful, BUT THAT'S WHEN ALL THE CRAP IS IDENTIFIED so we can dig it out!
Have faith... you have all of us here behind you.

:hug:

[southerncrone]

13. Good natural sleep aids are melatonin & valerian.

You can find them at Walgreen's or most health food stores. Quite cheap. You can get a good sized bottle of melatonin for the cost of a six-pack; valerian for the cost of a 12-pack. Cheaper & safer for you. Less calories, too!

YOU are your OWN KEEPER! We all are.

No more self-loathing.....shake it off & choose not to put yourself in this position again. Then keep that promise to yourself.
Love & care for you first, then you can attract that like force into your own life. It will come like a magnet. :)
:loveya:

[japple]

14. Get a bottle of benadryl if the natural sleeping aids don't work.

Dear girl, you have to do this for yourself. You are responsible for making it happen so you can raise your children and have a bright, happy, SAFE future. Get help for substance abuse if you need it. Your tribe should be able to help. Please, please do it now.

[Flying Dream Blues]

15. Another sleep aid idea is to download an MP3

or buy a CD of a relaxation/hypnosis script that you use at bedtime. Not only will it help you relax, it will help quiet your mind and help you end the day feeling positive. I also find melatonin and benadryl to be helpful for sleep.

I wish you all the best in your journey to transformation...we are all on this journey, every day! I hope you feel the love that is intended in this post and all the others, FL.

Love and peace to you...and thanks for your beautiful August Dreams and Intuition thread post. I hope you will feel the love you give so easily and freely to others coming back to yourself. You deserve it.
:hug: :grouphug: :loveya:

[WhiteTara]

16. FirstLight

I have been working with some new teachers and I am working on a meditation to calm your mind. I find it to be miraculously so. It is so simple. On the inbreath Om on the breath hold Ah and on the outbreath Huum.

Om Ah Huum.
Om Ah Huum.
Breathing in holding the breath and breathing out.

Over and over. Before you can train the mind, you have to tame the mind.
:hug:

[FirstLight]

17. have i told you guys lately that i love you?

went to circle tonight...finally... nice meditation.

of of the messages to come through in group had to do with 'mindclutter' and to clear that before asking for guidance

so ya, that's in progress ;) as well as cleaning up the house too! (time to do the big clean, steam carpets and get organized before school starts!)