My Daughter Acts Ashamed of My Disability

[stumblnrose]

This has really been irking me. i became disabled four years ago thanks to big pharma. I have problems with my eyes, my throat and lungs. My daughter is 14 and is irked any time i show signs of my symptoms be it coughing, choking, mild PTSD rages. When I ask her for a glass of water when I am choking she gives me a dirty look and takes her time about it while i turn purple. I do not spend much time with her as her mother abandoned me four months after I got out of the hospital. She never visited me when i was in the hospital in a coma because it was "too scary" and she tells me it is her job as a teenager to be a pisser. I tell her that it is her job to help a family member who has special needs. I ask her mother to put in a word on my behalf but she tells me that this is strictly between me and my daughter. Anyone have any advice as I am at wit's end and am also sick of being treated poorly by my own flesh and blood.

[bluestateguy]

1. Unfortunately many teens at that age don't appreciate their family

Yes, some do, but many don't.

at an age like 14 teenagers are preoccupied with being cool, fitting in and being popular. I think most will outgrow this mentality.

[pnwmom]

7. How many would appreciate being around for "PTSD rages"?

Even the "mild" ones?

[yurbud]

2. what is a ''mild PTSD rage''?

That might limit the sympathy you'd get from an adult, let alone a teenager.

When I'm sick, I could expect my grandmother or my mother to take care of me. Any help from anyone else is a pleasant surprise.

[Ramulux]

3. Stop paying for her food and shelter?

If you're daughter thinks she can treat you like shit, especially when you are disabled then she has some serious mental issues beyond being just a teenager. Send her to live with her grandparents or take away her TV, computer, and phone. Let her understand that if she can't treat you with basic dignity and respect she doesn't get to have all the nice things you have provided her with.

I'm not at all some sort of harsh strict asshole who would demand all sorts of unfair shit of their kid, but if she cant even show you basic common courtesy she needs to be taught a serious life lesson. Mainly that if you treat someone badly that person would likely be less inclined to support you financially.

[pnwmom]

5. Her "issue" is probably that her father goes into unpredictable rages.

And has been since she was 10. Her reaction sounds normal to me - for her unhappy situation.

A parent's obligation to support his minor child doesn't disappear because she doesn't seem polite enough or because he is disabled. If he tries to teach her that sort of "serious life lesson" then her mother can take him to court -- and most likely win.

[Name removed]

17. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[stumblnrose]

26. yes ramlux is unhinged

he misspelled a word.

[Name removed]

29. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[stumblnrose]

31. may god grant you all the blessings of the universe

may wealth and happiness follow you through this and future lifetimes, Namaste.

[pnwmom]

4. Sorry, but there's no such thing as a mild rage.

I think you should get help with that. Once your daughter can trust you not to go into a "mild rage" when she's nearby, you can start building a better relationship.

[stumblnrose]

8. judge not lest ye...

a mild rage is being angry at myself for losing my glasses. there is no anger expressed at anyone but myself including self loathing and silent weeping. stop putting labels on situations you know nothing about.

[pnwmom]

10. I didn't put any label on anything -- YOU DID.

It still sounds like you're taking your anger out on whoever's handy, including her.

[lunasun]

18. I still deal with PTSD after big pharma injury i do not know if it will

be the same for me after the experience even though i am better now after few yrs of hell.
i feel for you it is real

[Name removed]

20. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[FBaggins]

39. Have you considered posting that to the guy who started the thread?

Might help.

[dkf]

6. Not sure if telling her it is her job to take care of you will work very well.

That is a huge thing to stick on a kid. I'm not sure how many adults would cope well if they were told it was their job to take care of a family member either.

You have to figure out how to get her to want to help you. Otherwise this sounds pretty painful.

[stumblnrose]

11. stop this crap all of you

I am only asking for assistance when i am choking or lose my glasses. where does this idea that she must take care of me come from but your own internal dialogue? believe me, i take her to all her appointments and got her piano lessons and braces and numerous things her "well" mother ignores.

[pnwmom]

14. We got the idea from your own OP, where you said

" I tell her that it is her job to help a family member who has special needs."

[Name removed]

23. Deleted sub-thread

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Name removed]

21. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[dkf]

32. She seems to not feel sympathy for your situation...indeed she seems more distant and removed.

Maybe you need to talk to her so she can relate to you as a person in addition to being her dad, but be earnest, not upset.

All I know is it was only as I got older that I really learned to appreciate my dad's soft heart and caring. Now it cracks me up to realize what a big marshmallow he is as back in the day he was the disciplinarian. But he turned into the guy that went out to feed the baby duckies every day because they lost their mom and he didn't want them to starve. And the guy that adopted all our cats. And the one the grandkids go to for treats.

[EFerrari]

9. It's not your daughter's job to take care of you.

It's your job to take care of her. That's what parents do.

[pnwmom]

12. Exactly. n/t

[Name removed]

13. Deleted sub-thread

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[lunasun]

15. learning from her mother perhaps

I was also injured by big pharma but recovered after a few yrs....wwhile ill however i soon found out who is there in need and who is not
who freaks out about illness
who is aggravated by someone else being sick
who no longer has things in common with you etc.

you cannot force it move on to other help or if not posssible do not bother asking her at least

it will not get better and could make you sicker

you are in survival mode now and it has to be about you not teenage bs
Youlove her but best for your sake to remain distant and expect nothing.

Trimming the losers -family and friends- gave me more space to heal and truly will give you power from within not need from the outside

after recovery i do not miss any of them either
my personality changed too no longer a 'people pleaser 'and could care less of others opinion of me now all empowering in a way

I tell her that it is her job to help a family member who has special need you said but is it??

doesnt big pharma suck???? what they get away with???

[stumblnrose]

19. thank you lunasun

Your shared perspective is MONEY IN THE BANK. I made it very clear here that i keep my distance from her for the most part as i heal. I took her to New York to see a concert and lost my glasses and fell into a fit of despair... that is my ptsd rage, inwards tho smart asses like pnwmom can kiss my ass. I ask her to help me find my glasses and she looks at me like i'm speaking hebrew although we do speak hebrew so how about singlish (look that language up). Humor and true love cures all. The rest is dross.

[lunasun]

25. you have to stay distant even though it hurts I know

I answerd above too about my own PTSD after big phama took my life before Levaquin away....
.. Just me...but would not give so much to her /it will only make you think she should appreciate it/ which she should but is not/
I know i sound cruel but is called being a survivor emotionally as well as physically.
illness is a real wake up call on the real world just when you do not need the lesson..
..and yes ignore the folks who have not been there
I have no use as i said for what others think anymore especially folks ignorant of my situation...esp if they give it without me asking- my reply; "sorry I asked" but in this case you did
so you just get to see what is out there more and it is not good.
i would rather go in a home than deal with begging assholes for help based on our relationship before illness inclng family....just me:eyes:

[stumblnrose]

27. lunasun you are a mensch

regardless of gender and the good news is...justice is being served on this one. I love you. Survivorz Rule!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[The Second Stone]

16. Say please and thank you when she helps you

and in a tone of voice that indicates that you sincerely mean it. Honey works better than vinegar, especially with teenagers.

[pnwmom]

30. Yes. My teenagers willingly helped adults when they needed it,

including me after a hospitalization and their grandmother for the last years of her life. If you treat young people with respect they tend to return the same behavior. One of my mother-in-law's nurses mentioned how unfailingly polite she was, no matter how much she was struggling with her cancer pain, loss of vision, and other disabilities. It makes such a difference.

[stumblnrose]

35. umm pnwmom

i was blind and weighed 125 and ate through a feeding tube and saw giant monsters and wanted to shoot myself in the head for two years. I kept this to myself, lived in isolation. I bend over backwards for my daughter but u heard the word rage and went to town and some other web creeper says i am unhinged. i am asking for practical advice but if you prefer to tell me i am evil and deserve shit in life that is the risk of posting on this forum which i will not make the mistake of doing again. PTSD is rampant amongst war vets, 18 off themselves daily, let us honor their bravery. I have had twenty surgeries in the past four years and am so lucky to be alive but this is not the right place to talk about my experience i now realize. Outta here.

[pnwmom]

36. My apologies if my reaction to the word "rage" added to your pain.

Whether that was the right word for you to use or not, I still think you need to be careful not to take your very real misery out on your teen. It isn't her job to fix you. She's got enough of her own problems, just trying to get through adolescence.

So my practical advice is to try to keep a lid on your emotions when you're around her, to never let her have the feeling that this is any of her fault, to reach out to her in positive ways when she IS doing something right. Concentrate on finding the good in her, concentrate on building your own patience, and eventually she'll respond.

Can you imagine how scared and helpless your young child felt when she saw her father so sick and helpless? Can you put yourself in her shoes, a little girl with a father in a coma? How scary that must have been for her. (You mention that she says that was scary -- but you seem to dismiss that. Why dismiss her feelings as if they were unimportant?) And now, four years later, you're still asking her to bear the weight of your pain and suffering and anger. She's not a saint, she's just a 14 year old kid.

Use your empathy. Put yourself in her shoes. That's my practical advice.

[stumblnrose]

41. ignorance of ptsd and circumstance

ptsd is not a binary phenomenon, you don't turn it on and off according to who is in the room or if it's raining. i have never done anything to blame her for my situation and put a game face on. but you really need to read about ptsd. it is not a cosmetic illness or even arthritis where one grins and bears it. i do get grumpy. i am sure she feels guilt and responsibility, these are normal responses in a familial environment where tragedy and grave illness come into play and i have told her she is not responsible many times over. but the trigger finger of you and others in this forum just shows how little most people know about ptsd and until u live in a world of tubes and daily colonoscopies and relearning to walk and suffering acute photophobia then u are only looking in at my glass house and should not cast stones so readily...imho. I did post, will never again.

[pnwmom]

42. You can't control your PTSD episodes -- but you CAN control

your reaction to them. Have you tried apologizing to your daughter afterwards? Have you tried telling her that you realize that watching this happen to you is tough on her, too?

Pick a moment when you're not in the midst of PTSD and when she seems calm. Tell her you feel bad about having these episodes around her and the effect it must have on her. Keep the emphasis on her, and her feelings, and your caring for her. Don't try to justify yourself by talking about your pain -- she already knows you have pain. What she does need to hear is that you appreciate the depth of HER pain.

See what happens. You might be surprised at how positively she reacts.

[stumblnrose]

43. yeah

been there, do that, i would prefer to end this dialogue here.

[NC_Nurse]

22. being a 14 year old girl is pretty hard too. especially with a split family and a

disabled parent. sounds like you're pretty angry at her mother too. being patient with a teen is hard, but she is the child and you are the parent. comes with the job. counseling might help you both.

i found the teen years very tough and i'm not disabled. it was worth it to hang in there. don't expect the returns until later. my grown children and i are really close now and they have come to appreciate me and have thanked me for my patience back then.

[stumblnrose]

24. Nurses are the best

Thank you for rational advice NC...

[laconicsax]

28. 14-year olds are ashamed of having parents, so you have that working against you too.

Sorry about your situation. I wish I could offer some worthwhile advice.

[JDPriestly]

33. Don't feel hurt. The problem is not your disability. It's your daughter's age.

At that age, my daughters refused to walk with my husband and me when we went places. We are pretty normal looking people. It's just the age.

Don't take it personally. Summon your sense of humor. It will get you through.

[pnwmom]

37. Yes, that's classic adolescent behavior.

As soon as they're old enough to stop embarrassing you (with unfortunate public comments), you start embarrassing them -- simply by existing.

:)

[FBaggins]

40. Yep...combined with what sounds like a very challenging family life.

Sounds like dad has been struggling with his own demons and mom can't live up to her vows (it's not "for better and in good times and health"), it isn't surprising that a then-10-yr-old hasn't learned what mom never modeled for her.

Unfortunately, it's hard to learn self sacrifice from the person who needs the sacrifice. You can't say "you need to be helping!" when you're the one who needs the help (especially to a teenager).

Imagine how much better this young girl's life would be if her mother lived out a self-sacrificial love?

[mattfromnossa]

44. Yeah. I agree with this poster.

It's your daughter's immaturity.

[notesdev]

34. Wait

there are 14-year-olds who don't behave like that towards their parents?

How the hell does that happen???

[Demeter]

38. Very few teenagers can cope

The adolescent period is difficult to begin with as ones body develops a mind of is own and the mind isn't strong enough to overcome it.

Then society lays a heavy burden on the teen and jerks it every which way. Girls are in multiple binds, and insecurity is the dress code. Girls look to fathers for security. If that security can't be found at home, a girl will look outside. Do you want to be a grandfather already? Keep pushing her away. The teen does not have responsibility for the parent, so best abandon that approach.

Teens turn to parents for guidance and support, even if it's indirectly requested. A parent has to work through the code. Love is the key.

You are her father. You don't get to resign because of ill-health. You are still supposed to be fathering to the best of your abilities. You aren't supposed to inflict all kinds of emotional stress on your child, on top of that caused by your disability.