Good things are happening

[Tobin S.]

Good things are happening to me anyway. Feel free to post your good things, too.

I made an important discovery and now I think I understand why I'm 37 years old and have never been in a long term relationship. It has to do with my inner-most fears and I haven't fully understood it until now. Or at least I'm trying to understand it; it may take a while to fully comprehend. I think what I'm about to tell you has a lot to do with my illness as well including a couple of horrendous symptoms.

I have dated 7 women in the past year and a half and I'm talking via e-mail to two right now. I've had a few chances at that long term relationship, but things keep falling apart and I think it's because of me and my attitudes about women. I am okay with women who I'm not romantically interested in. I get along just fine with them. It's when I start to get a little closer that the resentment kicks in. I want her and I don't want her at the same time. It's the adult Tobin that wants her; it's him who wants to be happy and live like a normal person. But there is a part of me that is still very childish and angry, and he makes his presence known when someone gets too close. Since it's not registered in my consciousness until now, I didn't really know what I was doing.

I also didn't fully understand that I had been abused several times when I was a kid...five times involving women. I've always had memories of those events. It's not something that just popped into my head. But before, when I would remember those events, I would just get incredibly angry and embarrassed then start thinking about moving to the other side of the country. You can't outrun what's inside your head, though. So, I can't get close to a woman in a romantic relationship and see her as my equal- a partner. That pissed off embarrassed little kid is still in there pining for revenge- emasculation, violence, denial, and hatred all unprocessed forming a part of me that is so enraged that it drove me insane.

When you are a kid and those things happen to you, I guess it doesn't occur to you that not all members of a gender behave that way.

That was hard to write and I bet it looks pretty ugly, too. But I needed to get that out there...to somebody...anyone.

How is that good? :rofl: Well, it beats having all of that crap inside of you and not understanding it. I'm sure I have a long way to go here and I am seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. It was cathartic just to write that, though, and thanks for listening.

[mopinko]

1. you are my hero.

honestly.

[elleng]

2. Ditto, mo.

Tobin's a REAL superhero.

[Tobin S.]

3. Thanks mopinko and ellen I appreciate your support

I felt like crap all night at work. I feel a little better now, but I still want to move to Seattle. :D

[EFerrari]

4. That's about the best thing I've ever read.

:woohoo:

:hug:

[blue neen]

5. I'm so happy that you're healthy enough now to be able to deal with your past.

You have come such a long way. I salute you, Tobin! :)