I feel like a Pearl Jam song today

[Tobin S.]

That title might sound kind of humorous, but I'm about to get serious here really quick. So if you aren't feeling very good today you might want to exit until you are feeling better.

When I was 10, the only person in the world that I loved beat the hell out of me...for fighting with another kid, paradoxically. We're not talking about a swat on the butt here. We're talking the kind of stuff that they'll take away your kid for. After the beating, I laid in bed and felt like death. I felt all alone in the world. No one loved me. I started fantasizing about running away. I was profoundly depressed and deeply wounded. Then she came into the room and tried to make it better by bringing me my favorite treat. She tried to explain to me why she did what she did and why what I did was wrong. That was the beginning of a co-dependent relationship that has lasted 27 years.

I bought into it. What was I going to do? But I was already broken beyond repair. I pretended to be the loving son, and I believed my own act.

I've been hospitalized three times- at 23, 29, and 30. All for being suicidal. I'm 37 now. But today I thought for a little while that it was going to be my fourth time. I felt exactly the way I did before those three hospitalizations and after that terrible event when I was 10. Except I was also hearing voices before the hospitalizations. Today I was just depressed to the point of near immobility. Then something clicked. I'll be alright if I put some distance between me and her, I think. It's going to cause some drama, but so be it.

I've had my house for sale for a little while now. I live 4 miles away from her. I didn't have any plans on going very far. I just need more room. But I work 30 miles up the road, and now I think that's where I'm going to move.

Forgive me if that all sounds childish. I guess there's a part of me that's still 10 that's writing this. She called me this morning and told me about a house that she saw that was for sale. It was 2 blocks away from her. I felt like puking.

This appears to be what is at the root of my illness. I don't know how I'm going to be able to be in the same room with her. That's the way I really feel and what I really felt, but denied, all along.

[knowbody0]

1. that's a painful truth, Tobin

but I do believe that you are healing that terrified and abandoned child. He may be 37, but his heart was shattered at 11. Distance sounds right to me, but mayhaps you need to tell her how impactful the event was for you and allow her to apologize and explain her dreadful actions.

The mother in me wants to hug you sweet manchild. be well.

[mopinko]

2. +1

do whatever you have to do to be ok.

[proudohioan]

3. My heart goes out to you. I don't know what else to say.

[Forkboy]

4. Chopping Down The Family Tree

That's the name of a song that hit me years ago. "Family ties are painfully binding."

This is blasphemy to many, but I don't feel we owe family anything, and I certainly don't feel we have to love someone just because they're family. I went from age 19 until 23 without once talking to my mother, and went homeless for awhile instead of asking either parent to help. I wanted nothing to do with either of them for a long time. I asked myself at the time if I would like them if they weren't family and the answer was no. So I felt no reason to be close to people I didn't like just because society pretty much insists we should. That's dumb.

Stepping away had a different effect though. The distance made see things differently, and when I did start talking to them again it was different. Since then it's been mostly a good relationship with both parents, but I needed that room away from them and the memories and feelings they were bringing up just by being there.

Good luck with all this.

[Tobin S.]

5. An Update and thank you all for the kind words

It's been 5 days since I wrote the OP and I'm feeling better this weekend. I haven't visited with any relatives aside from an aunt who is my realtor. Time is going to help me I think. I kept thinking of mean things to say to my mom; catchy one liners designed to hurt. That has given way ro the feeling that I just need to be away from her for a while and end this inappropriate relationship. I think I'll be able to do holidays and other family get-togethers, but I'm going to need some time just to be on my own for a while.

It was mentioned above that I should try to explain things to my mom, but I think all that would do is hurt both of us. I am going to have some kind of talk with her, but I'm going to keep it in the hear and now and explain why I've been making myself scarce. I don't want to cause anymore pain than is necessary. I think if she could change one thing between me and her it would be what happened all those years ago. I really don't think she knows how inappropriate our relationship is. I don't think she consciously knows what she's doing. I guess I could be wrong about that, though.

But I'm not going to get soft here. I'm already starting to feel more empowered and autonomous. It feels good and I'm not going to give that up.

[mopinko]

6. i don't know if i can put this right, but

i don't know if your mom is really to blame for your illness. i think that the science of the human mind and human behavior has really evolved beyond the old freudian-skinnerian framework of experiences shaping personality. i, personally, think that our genetic make-up is far more central than was ever thought back in the day when genetics was thought to control physical characteristics and not a whole lot else. there is a lot of research going on to figure that out exactly. i think probably the worst you can say is that she triggered it.
this is not to say that you don't need to get some space, and to separate yourself from her. all kids need to do that.
maybe all she really wants is to not think, for herself, that she caused your illness. i know that it used to be routine to blame moms. even moms who have never done anything wrong or out of the ordinary. i think often of how bruno bettleheim blamed 'refrigerator moms' for their kids autism. even as they sought him out, and endured his abuse to try to help their kids. what a cascade of useless pain and destruction he set off.

it's such a sticky thing for us all. lots of people have blamed me for my daughter's illness, including a couple of long term dear friends. it is easy for me to see the genetic component, since there are several diagnosed or obvious cases in the family. but i don't see it as simple. i see a lot of things that got into a real loop of my actions leading to her illness influenced reactions leading, etc. it goes around and around.
i guess if i wanted to make a long story short, i would just say that blame serves no one. it burns both ends. maybe what you both need is to kill it.

[Tobin S.]

7. Notice that I said I'm not going to bring this up with her

It would only be painful to both of us. The first poster in this thread suggested I talk to her about it. I think that's bad advice.

Parents can and do make mistakes and no one is perfect. Even the most educated parents screw up. Abuse is taking it to whole different level, however, and I think it does great harm to people. Getting hit by your mother as hard as she can in the face when you are 10 is probably going to make family reunions a little difficult somewhere down the line, and it's certainly not going to inspire well adjusted development and healthy interpersonal relationships.

I know you are sensitive to this because you have a kid who has bipolar disorder. I've seen you make this same kind of post a couple of times before. I'm not blaming anyone here but my own family. I didn't mean it as a reflection on anyone else.

[mopinko]

8. true about it being personal to me

also personal because i went through the process with my family, which was quite dysfunctional.

i do always hesitate to make such posts. i don't know what your situation was or is. i cannot and do not judge. it is perfectly rational for you to have any level of emotional reaction to such a beating. it is certainly the sort of betrayal that we wish would never happen to anyone. it just seems to me that it might be magnified by the idea that it caused your illness. which is not to say that you are unjustified. it is to say that perhaps you were not betrayed in the way that you think and that would be a view that would comfort you as well as her. whatever kinship i would feel toward your mom would not lead me to say this to you. my friendship with you is what leads me to say it.
if this would offer you no comfort, reject it. if i have caused you useless discomfort, i apologize. it was not my intent. i hope you know that.
take care friend.

[Tobin S.]

9. I'm alright, mopinko

And I think everything is going to be okay. It helped me a great deal to get that OP out there. It's something that's just been between me and my mom since it happened. I've never talked to anyone about it, including her. There were other events that happened when was a kid that were horrible- a couple of more violent acts between my parents that I witnessed and also a couple of incidents of sexual abuse. But the one incident that I described in the OP hurt me the most. It's good to get it out there and maybe now I can bid it good riddance. I moved out of the house a long time ago, but I never really left there in my head. I'm hoping that I can make my peace with it.

[mopinko]

10. i'm sure you will

you are on the right path, and you are brave enough to make it to the end.

[HereSince1628]

11. Goin' on 60 feeling like 13 but I recently found that

feelings are always real.

They don't always mean what we interpret,
but that's because us boys are trained to ignore them
beginning about the time we start falling and skinning our knees.

That works for many but not for all.

I've divided myself up into 5 personality modes that my shrink acknowledges in writing.
All 5 have feelings but each has only a limited way of dealing with those feelings.

The best advice I ever got from a 20-something still-wet-behind-the-ears therapist was
"Feel your feelings, go with a response to them that feels authentic to the person you believe you want to be."