Reality coming into focus and finding my voice

[Tobin S.]

I was considering asking that a couple of my recent threads here be locked, or, even better, nuked. But I will leave them be. Maybe they will help someone else besides me, and I think that they have helped me a great deal. I feel like something has changed in me since I posted those threads. Whether it's a part of my illness that will return or whether it's an actual breakthrough into greener pastures, only time will tell. But the change feels real and like something that will be permanent.

I've been talking to another DUer, who doesn't post in this forum, who likes my writing. He suggested a book that is one of his favorites, Cannery Row by John Steinbeck. I'm seven chapters into it and it is really good so far. Something caught my eye in the introduction, though, that made me think about my own situation. The intro was written by a modern day scholar whose area of expertise is the works of Steinbeck. She's knowledgeable of all sorts of autobiographical information about him and has access to his personal correspondence that was saved. The thing that caught my eye was that Steinbeck had written that he tried to see reality and people with the detachment of a scientist observing nature or the results of an experiment. That was without bias, judgment, or trying to make something of people that wasn't really there.

I've come to realize that I haven't been seeing what is really there in some of the people in my life. A part of it is due to my own preconceived ideas and a part of it is due to people being duplicitous and me being too naive to see it. No more, no more.

As far as finding my voice goes, these words are me. They appear to be intelligent and articulate to me, but I've found that up until this point in my life I've been unable to express myself as well in conversation. It's not been stupidity that has dogged me, but lack of confidence. Imagine, a man so timid that he is unable to express himself. A smart guy in the guise of a dullard. Things are indeed changing.

[elleng]

1. Bravo again/still, Tobin S.

[EFerrari]

2. One of the very cool things about getting older

is that you never know what thing that you were convinced as a younger person that you couldn't do turns out to be something you can do easily and well. It's not all wrinkles and sore joints, you know. lol.

When I first started doing office work, I was almost too shy to answer the phone. It looked like a loaded weapon sitting on my desk. 25 years later, I was cold calling celebrities to help Andy. Seriously, it was like being another person except for the sharp memory of fearing the phone ringing.

There's a lot to be said for learning to know and trust yourself over time. Beats the alternative. :)