waiting for the med to kick in

[mopinko]

sucks.
tia.

[elleng]

1. ...

:hug:
:thumbsup:

[Maraya1969]

2. Yea it does. Hang in and it will be worth it.

:hug:

[mopinko]

3. i'm hangin'

fortunately, life is giving me a slight break, and just being quiet. just a little space will keep things under control. fingers crossed.

[Forkboy]

4. Been there....sucky feeling, for sure.

Hope you feel some good effects from it soon.

[EFerrari]

5. So, where is the update?

How is it going?

[mopinko]

6. still in a holding pattern.

not really getting much relief. back from the brink a little, although still wrapped in my sorrows most times. not as black as things were, tho. no relief from my anxieties, as that drug has a 6 week ramp up.
counselor is pretty good, tho, and taking a stress reduction class. mostly hockum, imho, but not completely useless.
hubby is still here. still waiting to see where the baby is going to college. he says he has hope, but barely bothers to check in with me about how i am doing. with love like that, i'll take solitude. if only i could get some.

how are things with you?

[EFerrari]

7. Stress reduction is mostly habit, imo. I always hated those classes

and give you major props for following through. Just doing it can be helpful and there's usually always something there us tool pirates can take away. :hug:

Depression and anxiety have both amped up for some reason. Maybe just ongoing uncertainty here + cold, dark (lack of light) since November. There are little windows where the brain works well but they don't last long enough to do much. For example, it occurred to me the other day that Cold War story I want to tell has at its center the opposing and competing ethics of Sargent Shriver vs/& Lockheed Martin. This is a good working frame, a break though. But all I can really do is jot down notes and hope that at some point I can focus for more then five minutes at a time.

I'm pretty withdrawn from everyone except Mom and Gene and the animals because people take focus and there just isn't any.

After watching Michael Pollan last night, I thought it might be possible to do something bout a diet and exercise regime. If it's simple enough, it might help some.

[mopinko]

8. yeah, the stress thing is a little goofy.

i hate that music they play, too. but, it's only 4 weeks, and it is something to keep me out of trouble while i am on semester break. have been working my yoga routine pretty hard, tho. it is a short little routine, but i have been stretching it out, and trying to end with some relaxation. i don't usually do it, because i fall asleep often. but i figure a short nap will help as much as anything these days.
i just keep trudging toward my goal, not matter how shitty the world is. it's the trudge more than the goal. i have no expectation of getting anywhere near my goal. but it keeps me focused on something.

the low light gets to me sometimes, too. and i know what you mean about people. i have a real hard time with bs these days. my dogs are something that i hang onto, too. since i own my own little world these days, there is no one to tell me i can't let them sleep with me. the little dogs anyway. the boxer is not so much too big as that she is a bed hog. i let her sleep next to the bed on an old comforter. she spends half the night trying to steal the blankets off the bed. jealous thing.

[HereSince1628]

9. Semester breaks are tough times for me, too.

It's always been that way, although for years it was the only time we had together because I was teaching out of state. She often commented that she liked me best when I was on the phone or on email.


I've noticed the following things get to me during break:

1. The SO and I are together everyday. That means she no longer leaves the house at 6:45 am which during the semester frees me to enter my the world according to my routines. With my routines interrupted I'm bugged--little things like her talking (but not quite audibly) to me from other rooms, or interrupting my relaxation practice, needing help with word-processing fussiness (formatting footnotes, etc), asking for help proofing citations for manuscripts, etc. all require psychic adjustments. I usually screw up in a major way at least once a week during school breaks.

2. Also she gets a lot of time to observe me and to let me know just how I should be dealing with my problems. Needless to say, as similar as our values are, I don't live and probably can't live my life seeing things the same as she does or making all same decisions as she would.

3. She spends more time in the house and notices things she wants fixed, varies routines for grocery shopping and timing of meals etc. My schedule flexes to hers and I find myself needing to be overly vigilant about how things are going. She gets really tired of me asking every half hour "Hows it going?"

4. She has a lot more time to think and share her thoughts and emotions about life and her job which gets me into talking about things I once upon a lifetime did. And she reminds me how 'You are not teaching anymore" which is true but humiliating, too. She wants to connect by sharing how she feels and talking about us and our challenges. I always wind up emotionally tested, at some point I zap my fear of abandonment etc, with all the accompanying agony.


In the past year, we've done better. I am better at recognizing when I should be walking away from things which will turn into overly emotional events and she's learned that I need the "time outs" alone.
So things in some respects are better. But, I understand how semester breaks and the changes they bring are at times are really challenging.

[mopinko]

10. yeah, i think of it as being within his gravitational pull.

weekend are just so discombobulating. he is being good, usually cleaning on saturdays, and cooking. but i just feel pulled and pushed. i have all the loneliness, but none of the solitude.
at least i have learned to love mondays.