HELP--Managing money with ADHD--does it cause you problems with

[Blue_Roses]

your checkbook? This is an on-going saga with my husband's ADHD. He has been on his Strattera for 2 weeks and even though he is *calmer* he still doesn't seem that focused. He has never been able to manage the checkbook so I didn't put him on my checking account for the longest time--that is until the bank required him to be on it for me to be able to cash his checks. Now for the lastest:banghead:--He took out 5 ONLINE payday loans and they debited our account over 365 dollars with interest fees ALONE! When I saw the account this weekend I almost died. Seriously. I think my heart went into to panic mode 'cause my chest hurt so bad I thought I was going to die. After taking a huge breath, I asked him WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING GIVING THESE LOAN SHARKS ACCESS TO OUR ACCOUNT? I'm surprised some of you didn't hear me where you live. I was and still am LIVID!!:argh: He said he thought it would help us financially till payday.:eyes:

I didn't speak to him all weekend and I've held this in all weekend--until now. I really really really want to leave him and I told him so. He hung his head and said how bad he feels, but I'm too mad to care. I've helped clean up his credit by paying his delinquent bills and I know this is part of the "ADHD mismanagement" but sheesh...when is enough, ENOUGH!

Anybody else have problems with money management with ADHD?

[mopinko]

1. i have been following your posts, and

it is my utterly worthless and groundless opinion that your hubby is bipolar. trouble with money is a classic symptom.
i wish you the best in all this. i feel for you. dealing with this kind of problem is hard enough, but when you do not get the kind of help you need from the professionals involved, it raises the whole thing to absurd and impossible levels. i know that you have only indirect and imperfect control over the situation, but i think he should get another doc.
good luck to both of you. :hug:

edited to say that bp and adhd have a huge overlap, often co-occur, and can be difficult to distinguish.

[Blue_Roses]

2. thanks

I agree with you on all accounts. I can't stand his doctor but he likes him--go figure. I think his doctor is ignorant to ADHD and any other possible *disorder* that we could be dealing with. I go to my doctor (the one I see for ADD in Dallas) in June. He has treated my husband and knows him well. I'm going to mention this whole scenerio to him and I already have an idea what he's going to say. My husband doesn't understand why I don't find a doctor here--well, hello--this is why.

I have no where to vent so this board has been a life saver for me. Thanks for listening:)

[mopinko]

6. his doc

is he seeing a gp? or a psychiatrist? getting a scrip for something to help you over a bumpy spot from a gp or internist is one thing. treating someone who has serious problems is another.

[Blue_Roses]

11. his doctor is a redneck Family Doctor

with fish hanging all over the place. His fingernails are dirty and he could be a poster boy for John Deere farming equipment. I know that sounds harsh, but if I was interested in knowing the latest on where to catch bass or plow my farm, he would be the guy, but since I don't own a farm and could give a rats ass about fishing, he sucks 'cause he has no idea what ADHD is all about. Did you see the post where he told me that if my husband's medicine kept making him sleepy to "quit 'em"? I stood there dumbfounded when he said that. I just can't stand him.

I guess my husband likes him because he "relates" to him in some way.:eyes:

[mopinko]

14. sweet jesus

i would have to suspect that what this guy is doing is not even legal. you should report him to your state regulatory board. if his license is yanked, your troubles are over.
get your husband to a real psychiatrist, asap. please. :hug:

[Maine-ah]

8. my father was bipolar and he did some pretty bad things with money.

took out a second mortgage on their home, with out telling my mom. Bought a boat with money.

[mopinko]

13. mine

set his girlfriend (a prostitute) up in an apartment in another town, filled it with furniture on a sears credit card, and ended up filing for bankruptcy. my poor mom knew nothing until the collection agencies started calling.

[Droopy]

3. I don't think being bad with money

is necessarily a symptom of being mentally ill. It could be that your husband is perfectly sane right now, but is just really bad with money. My dad is like that. Regardless of the reasons, you need to come to an understanding with your husband that you will be the one to handle the money matters of the household. My mom and my step-father have this arrangement because my step-father doesn't like to deal with the household finances. Both of them work and on payday my mom takes the checks to the bank and deposits most of both of them while keeping some out for pocket money. She gives my step-father some money and that's supposed to last him all week. They've not had any problems with money that I know of since they started doing that.

[mopinko]

5. in and of itself, no

being bad with money, alone, is not a symptom of mental illness. but unrealistic thinking about money, spending sprees, belief that money will appear when needed, belief in get rich quick schemes, etc, are classic symptoms of bp. with a dx of adhd, and the other problems that she has talked about, it all adds up to me. not to say i know this is what is happening, just to say that this should be looked at.
sometimes i think that dealing with a loved one who is ill can be as hard as being ill yourself. being affected but powerless is very hard. trying to get help, and having professionals that are not getting it right is one of the most helpless feelings on the planet. blue roses is in a bad spot.
i'm glad she has this board to rant. :hug:

[EFerrari]

4. (Warning: triggery) I lost everything I had when Doug was ill

My two cars, my credit cards, my A1 credit rating. I had to cancel multiple ATM cards. I had my purse grabbed out of my hands and had the bruises to prove it. Horrible. When he felt the most afraid, he'd go straight for our money. And I got hurt too many times, trying to slow down an out of control person AND protect our slender asessts at the same time.

Let's not fool around. It sounds like at this moment, your husband can't handle money. Whether it is his fault or not, isn't the point. The point is damage control. At some time, this may become a nonissue, but that's not today.

If I could hug myself in the past and do over, I would, close our joint accounts and open news one only in my name.

If he needs something, be receptive and work out a routine. Right now, when Doug has stuff he needs, we sit and make a list with approximate amounts for what he needs. I never say no, it's more like putting the brakes on long enough for his brain to catch up. There's no condescension here: it's ensuring he never has to feel bad about this sh^t again. And that his illness will never again be allowed to cause us both consequences we can't handle.

I have good news: If and when he gets with a doctor who can stabilize him, this will go away 95%.

PM me if you want. This can be managed, I just want you to know that 'kay?

:hug:
Beth

[rockedthevoteinMA]

7. Hi Blue Roses! I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.

I agree with Mopinko and sfexpat2000... it sounds as if you/your husband should look into getting a second opinion on his illness.

When I get hypomanic/manic- I go crazy with money, to the point where when I start to feel it coming on, I hand my ATM card over to my fiance, or parents- just because I have managed to get myself into some screwy situations with money. I am also Borderline on top of bipolar, which also seems to flare up at the same time, (one of the main criteria is lack of impulse control... I often find myself in situations after spending money, saying to myself, why did I feel the need to purchase 50 glittering slippers??)

The other factor, if he's on a stimulant to control the ADHD, that could be making him escalate... toxic and dangerous to someone who is an undiagnosed bipolar. (If in fact, that is the case.) I feel horrible for the situation you are in, it was less than three years ago that I was dragging my family through the same type of thing.

Are you near any universities? Their medical departments (near me) often have studies for suspected bipolar patients, and are often welcoming to low income/uninsured patients. I was involved in one up in Boston, and was treated by some of the best Doc's around. I wish you luck. It takes some serious hunting to get the care you need, even if you are one of the "lucky" :sarcasm: (I know sometimes insurance that we are provided is quite lacking) ones with health insurance.

A big :hug: to you, and take care of yourself.

[Blue_Roses]

9. Hey that's a great idea

the universities: we have two big ones nearby. I had forgot all about that and usually they are up on the latest *disorders*! I'm definitely going to check on this. My doc in Dallas is pretty good. He's a neurologist who specializes in treating ADD/ADHD I love him and have been going to him for 6 years. My husband likes him but hates a couple of his staff. They were rude to us at one time and since then he refuses to go back.

[Blue_Roses]

12. Hey, since you're in Boston

have you ever heard of the Hallowell Center for ADD/ADHD? Dr. Edward Hallowell started it. He wrote the book Driven to Distration. I saw him at an ADHD seminar in Dallas. He was great. I would love to come to Boston and check it out. Actually, I called this morning to get some info. If I could get a job there I would be out of here in a heartbeat.

[rockedthevoteinMA]

16. I haven't heard of it, but that's because (unfortunately) I have been

only concentrating on bipolar/borderline personality disorder. Looks like a great center.

I swear, I am so lucky to be mentally ill and live in Massachusetts. (knock on wood). The care here is top shelf, and usually pretty easy to track down. One of the best hospitals is a half hour away, for mental illness. I was treated through them, and Harvard, at MassGeneral.

It's called McLean Hospital http://www.mclean.harvard.edu/
It was the hospital in Girl Interuppted, and James Taylor, etc. were all treated there.

If you get the chance to move up here, jump on it... it's a great place, bunch of liberals up here! :hi:

[Blue_Roses]

17. that sounds great

we live in a part of the south that is very repressed. I would love to move where there are more liberals and like-minded people are. Also, I understand the job market is better there also.

[Blue_Roses]

10. thank-you all for your support

I really appreciate it. I went to the bank this afternoon and sat down with someone who could help me. She is going to put a block on all these payday loan debits. It adds up to an ungodly amount and I was sick when I left, but I did feel better that we are hitting this head on. I showed my husband the printout she gave me of how bad it is and he feels horrible. I now feel kind of sorry for him, even though I could still snatch him bald.

*Sigh* I know we will get through this, but geeze, when you in the middle of the storm it feels like your gonna get swept away by it and then when it all settles, you know with support like this board and those willing to help like my bank, there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel:)

My husband now needs to get a second job to pay for this--anyone hiring?:D

[EFerrari]

15. Wow, what a really smart move, to go to your bank!

I'm so glad you found someone there who could help you.

:)

[Blue_Roses]

18. UPDATE: 5/27...there is a silver lining...

In one of the post on this thread, I mentioned that I went to the bank for help, well, I went back in today to make sure all "debits" to these loan sharks were blocked. The lady that helped me asked if she could share this information on how much they charged our account, to the loan officer at the bank. I said, "sure" even though I was so embarrassed. To make a long story short, he said for me to contact the Attorney General here in Arkansas because the interest fee was illegal, not to mention the whole way this thing is done. I asked him how were these people able to do this and he said, "because we don't have enough people coming foward to report them." He also said that the attorney general is aware of this and is wanting people to come foward so he can put these loan sharks out of business because they have seen elderly people who are on a fixed Social Security income go into so much debt because of them. WOW! That was an eye-opener.

My husband was with me this time--hanging his head of course--but hearing how these predators are preying on the elderly made him spark up. I told him here's a way we can help. Tuesday I will be calling the Attorney General. So there is a silver lining (even though I'm sure it will be battle). Maybe I should post a thread in GD bringing some attention to this. I have to say though, it is embarrassing for some reason. Maybe that's why nobody comes foward. Anyway, there is some good news on this.


Edited to add: I just found out our Attorney General is a Democrat:bounce: in this state of Arkansas...oh, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus:D

Okay, this is looking better and better...he is hoping to run for Governor against Hutchinson. WOW! If we can get his help with this crap, then it opens the door to a major win.

http://www.arkansasnews.com/archive/2005/04/24/DennisByrd/320641.html

I know this is leaning toward a GD post, but maybe I can say it all started here!!

[EFerrari]

22. That's really good news. 'Way to turn around a potentially

shaming situation and use it for the good of the community.

:)

[Sugarbleus]

19. Wow, didn't know this thread was here. I feel your PAIN Blue Rose

I've been going to other websites/boards to discuss this stuff, but voile' here's a mental health thread in DU!

Okay Blue Roses here goes. I live with a companion some 24 years only discovering that he had some serious mental health problems about 1/3 of the way through. He takes anti-depressants but I think he is Bi-Polar and going untreated with it. While that is going on, my oldest daughter is beginning to act strangely; always unable to "get it". She is 37 years old and just NOW getting diagnosed as suffering from Adult ADHD. I knew she had something going on but no one could pin her down or even be willing to diagnose her--she is single and never married.

Back to hubby. About four months into our marriage, he showed that he was completely incompetent/irresponsible with money. We almost got tossed out of our apt because he was pulling the weirdest schemes with money and not paying the rent, among other things. I was working full time so wasn't home all day to see what he was up to. He was also very secretive about his activities.

Long story short, I took over the handling of the bills and check books. Then, I separated our accounts. His money goes to his account, my money goes in my own account. It took a while for him to reliquish control over money but he finally saw the light and allowed it to take place. I hold onto his and my check-books exclusively and have him bring home every single receipt he gets when using his ATM card. He is much more careful now AND he has STOPPED buying stuff off of TV. My daughter is another story. :eyes:

He had a few relapses when he'd go out and buy stuff that was completely useless or too expensive but I'd straighten him out and eventually he has accepted and relaxed with my handling of the accounts. I pay his bills from his account and my bills from my account. I pay the household bills from both of our accounts. And we inform each other of what we wish to purchase before we do it, just to keep the record straight.

Doing this saved the day for us. On the other hand, I'm burned out being the "responsible one" at all times. It's like living with a child.

I think Bi-polar disorder and ADHD have similar symptoms at times. The hyper activity (manic/mania) shows up in both conditions, while the depression doesn't always. The recklessness with money, memory issues, risky behavior, and overbearing personality traits is similar in both conditions.

With both my companion and daughter I've taught them to make lists to remember what they have to do and where they have to be at any given time. I bought hubby one of those electronic address/schedule books...of which he's gone through five of them over the years. Best item he ever received.

My daughter is starting to balk at the idea of taking strattera or whatever they decide because she "LIKES" being hyper. She just doesn't get that she is intrusive, too dependent, reckless with money, and unable to function like the mainstream without some help and that she has to learn to stand on her own two feet; quite depending on her parents for support. Both of these lovelies are extremely emotionally touchy too; needing constant approval and not able to receive constructive critisim.

Both of these loved ones could use some talk therapy in addition to their meds but getting them to admit their conditions and/or submit to talk therapy is like pulling teeth.

I'm at my wits end now also. You said the word I've been snorting out around here too: ENOUGH already! Either take responsibility for their own behavior or I'm outta here! Honest to God, if I had the resources to get away, I'd go in a heart beat. Afterall, I've been dealing with dysfunctions within the family for some 21 years with one, and 24 years with the other. I'm half insane myself now.

I'm also raising my teenage grandson (the oldest daughter's son) because his mother couldn't keep her life together enough to stay out of trouble and ended up in Prison THREE TIMES! He too shows signs of possible future problems *ugh* His mother (my ADHD daughter) is back in the house WITH US/ME. I cannot take it anymore.

BELIEVE ME, I DO feel your pain. Some of the tricks I've used to make life easier may help you and your husband. What you decide about your relationship is up to you.

Best of luck, SB :hug:

[Blue_Roses]

23. sorry it's taken me so long

to respond. It has been a whirlwind around here these past few days. Thanks for the good advice. I find myself sinking into moments of despair, but somehow manage to pull myself out when I look at how much my kids need me. I have a calendar and lists and they work great--when he checks them. It's just so frustrating.

I'm glad we have this forum and thanks for your support:hug:

[TrogL]

20. Join the club

It's next to impossible for me to organize money. Things have gotten a lot better since online banking since I simply use its features to organize everything. I write no cheques. If it can't be done by debit or auto-deduct, I won't get it.

I've got a small spreadsheet to organize the monthly bills so I pay everything out and I know how much I've got left. Then it's merely a manner of discipline not to spend everything before month end.

What's particularly bad is the grocery store. I tend to overstock becauseI can't remember what's on the shelf, so I end up with 5 huge jars of spaghetti sauce when everybody's already sick of pasta, or five jugs of milk when I've only got room in the fridge for two.

It's hopeless to bring anybody along to help because they go into "I want" mode and I end up with stuff taht's off-budget like gallons of ice cream.

[RagingInMiami]

21. I've been struggling with ADD all my life

I currently take Adderall and it makes a difference, but it is no magic bullet. I suck at managing my money.

Check out this link.
http://www.addforums.com/forums/