I've cycled into another low place and it hurts. :(

[Ladyhawk]

I even hate to mention it because the last time I touched on something to do with my problems, I got lambasted by a few people. I mentioned I thought I was much smarter than my counselor and people thought I was being arrogant. Not true. I was upset to figure this out. I can't help it if I'm very intelligent in some ways. To balance it out, I have a limited understanding of mathematics and couldn't find my way out of a paper sack--terribly sense of direction, you know. I was only being honest with myself.

During the past week or so I've crashed. The future doesn't look pretty and I'm back under the influence of family, which I don't like at all. I'm also worried about my best friend whose health has been failing. He's unhealthy because he's extremely obese. He's planning to undergo gastric bypass surgery, but because of his health problems, I'm afraid he won't make it through the surgery or the aftermath. He has COPD and is predisposed to contracting pneumonia, which has almost killed him in the past.

Also, I've been playing the "what if" game, which is very bad for emotional health. Had I not succumbed to depression and other illnesses, I might have been able to do more with my art, my music, my intellect. As it is, I am a failure by American standards.

Someone wanna try to cheer me up?

[DemExpat]

1. Sure....I'll give it a try....

perhaps also because I too am in a cycle of lowness the past couple of months. Two birds with one stone? :-)

First, I can well imagine feeling smarter than a counselor - so your job now is to look for and find one that matches you better.

Second, it is often imperative to get away from family influences! I was lucky in that way that I lived across the Atlantic Ocean from my domineering/borderline sadistic father and manipulative, guilt-cultivating mother. I felt isolated and lonely, but could keep their terribly negative energies at bay - only transferable via telephone in those days.

Sorry to hear about your dear friend - are you sure you have exhausted other ways for him to lose weight besides this extreme measure?

Nurture yourself a bit more, seems like the best approach you can take, instead of looking back at all you have missed out on, LH....I often remember a line like this when I am feeling like you are now:
When people are on their deathbeds they probably do not think about being a success by American standards, but about if they were a good friend/loved one to some other souls here on earth....

One more question: Are you on any medications? Anti-depressives did not help me, and I have sworn off meds after being addicted to tranquilizers in the 80's, but many people get much relief from them after shopping around for one that helps them the best. Have you tried this, LH? And have a competent doctor to help you tweak the meds/dosages?

:hug:

DemEx

[Democracy White]

2. I know exactly what you are talking about Ladyhawk

I am going through the same thing. I have bi-polar disorder, ADD and Asperger's.

I have been under the influence of family all my life and Ia m earnestly trying to break away from it. I am still living with my father (he didn't raise me) and I have to constatnly deal with him. He isn't so bad it's my mother that I have problems with.

I have been in depression for the past few months and being on my period right now isn't helping.
My mother was on me about my so-called "eating problems" and my health. She tells me that it isn't because she wants me to be skinny but yet she will tell her friends at dialysis abgout how skinny I was when I was a kid. Meds and a wrong diet made me fat.
I was at her house Sunday with my sister and my sister's friend Heather. We were taking the tarp off the pool and I kept getting yelled at because I wasn't using all my strength. they talked about that I was weak and that I was lazy. Well I have fibromyalgia and it makes it difficult to do such work. I was doing my best but my sister and mother were treating me like I was such a dunderhead and I was in their way. I was feeling hurt by the end of the day and was glad to be albe to get home.
My counselor is a great man, we talked about this today and he told me that I am hungering for nuturing and that I wasn't getting it from my mother and father or sister and that is why I tend to eat.

I know this is going to sound stupid but I feel that I don't belong here in this world and I have tried to kill myself a few times.

Well I'd rant on but I can't talk anymore, just letting you know that you aren't the only one.

Dee

[tibbir]

3. I'm bipolar myself and there's only one thing I can offer.

It might sound simplistic but when I'm depressed I try to focus on the truth that I wasn't depressed before this period and I won't be sometime in the future. I just have to hang on until that happens .

I know some people are able to get through their depression without medicine but I can't. I find that if I adjust my medicine it helps me get through the depressive cycle.

Best wishes to you. Keep in touch with this support group for help.

[Lorien]

4. Well, you know what I'll say

Since you've found a doctor that can give you a free trail of the alpha-stim, then all I can say is "relief is coming soon". Less than 1% of patients said that they felt "no improvement" after using the device for two weeks, while 72% said that they felt "significant improvement to complete relief". Once your brain is functioning normally and your seritonin levels are where they should be, you'll be able to deal with the slings and arrows of life much more easily. I've got my own family traumas going on right now, but for the first time ever I'm able to step back and take a truly objective look at the situation.That's very hard to do when you're battling depression. Don't beat yourself up for it!

Hang in there, and push to get that trial from your doctor soon!

:hug: :loveya:

[Blue_Roses]

5. I think it must be in the air

because I have been feeling the major blues lately too, almost to the point of wondering why the hell am I here. I can understand what you must be feeling:hug:

[Droopy]

6. Flush that "What if?" stuff

I used to do that, too. I became extremely ill when I was 20 and spent a decade being insane before I finally got the help that I needed. The first thing I did when I found out that I had treatable illness, albeit a severe one, was break down and cry. I'd lost so much time. I'd spent a decade in hell when help was right under my nose. I thought about what I would have been like had I not fallen ill. I was an 'A' student in college and was likely going to have a professional career in the environmental field. I could have fallen in love and had a nice family when I was in my mid twenties instead of hiding out and being a hermit. I even went back to school after I got well in an attempt to get back on track from where I was before. But the illness has robbed me of some of my intellectual ability and I flunked out. There was another round of "What if?" thinking.

Finally I told myself I wasn't going to look back anymore, or at least lament the fact that I had lost so much. I embraced my illness and accepted it as a part of who I am. I went back to driving trucks for a living, bought myself a little house and started writing in my free time. Since mental illness is a big part of my life I talk to other mentally ill people all the time and I am involved with a mental health organization dedicated to blasting the stigma that surrounds mental illness. I now take pride in what I do for a living instead of seeing it as something that I had to do because I fell short in other areas.

I guess a shorter way of saying the above is that I now look forward to each day and the people I come in contact with instead of obsessing on the past and missed opportunities.

Best wishes to your friend. I bet his situation must be really bothering you. And I hope that you get to feeling better soon.

[Lorien]

7. Hey Ladyhawk; how are you doing?

haven't seen you around DU for a couple of days (or maybe just missed your posts) everything OK?