Avoidant Personality Disorder

[Mojambo]

Hello everyone,

I've recently been reading about this disorder and would be very much interested in corresponding with someone who has experience with it.

Please email me at [e-mail] if you can help.

Thanks.

[Droopy]

1. Hmmmmmmmm

Can you give us a description of the disorder? It sounds like it could be something that is related to something that I have. I have a schizoid personality type. It means that I tend to avoid social interaction. I live on my own and have no spouse and only one friend. I have a hard time carrying on a conversation with people. I have mild social anxiety.

[Mojambo]

2. This is the site I've been working off of.

http://www.tljones.co.uk/apd/apd.htm

[Droopy]

3. Good deal

I'll check it out when I get home from work. Hopefully somebody will come along and be able to help you out.

[Ladyhawk]

4. I was doing OK around people until last October.

Then something happened and I lost all trust in people. Since then, I've been trimming back to almost no human contact. I'll look into this.

Personally, I think I just don't like most people anymore. :(

[BuelahWitch]

5. I know how you feel

I don't want to go anywhere, just stay here in my apartment. I take distance ed classes now so it makes it nice, but next year I start at the University.

[Mojambo]

6. This is what it's like for me

Given the choice I would never leave the house again.

I've failed multiple times at going back to school and have a terrible time finding and keeping work because of it.

When I'm home, I'm constantly worried about the next time I have to leave and when I'm at work I constantly yearn to return home.

It seems like I can focus on nothing but these obligations, no matter how insignificant they are. I'm only truly content when I'm doing nothing and have nothing planned. How sick is that?

I hate living this way.

[DemExpat]

7. I used to have this bad.....

When I'm home, I'm constantly worried about the next time I have to leave and when I'm at work I constantly yearn to return home.

But I considered it to be resulting from my panic attack disorder - agoraphobia.....

I am now still a homebody at heart, and have engineered my lifestyle to accommodate this, while making myself go out in the world and making social contacts to keep me from feeling so isolated. Having a dog to walk is great for this too...volunteer work....single classes in something you enjoy or are interested in....start small and build up within your comfort range.

About school - how about trying to follow some correspondence courses for awhile to at least keep you busy, learning, and working for a goal...

:hug:

DemEx

[Cobalt Violet]

8. Mojambo are you still around?

I know that this is an old thread. I have this for what it's worth.
Not sure if that means anything to anyone.

[Mojambo]

9. I am still around.

Still treading water for the most part.

I am working full-time, but I self medicate far too often. The basic pattern of my life remains the same.

I'd be interested in hearing about your situation. Please feel free to PM me, or post here... Either way.

[Cobalt Violet]

10. I'm still isolating a lot.

I work too. If it wasn't for work I'd very rarely leave the house. It took me a long time to get reasonably comfortable with my co-workers. Everybody always senses my nervous tension. I've been at my job a year and it has gotten better as I know my co-workers like me. It's always been hard for me to get and keep jobs. The worse thing is interviewing. My nervousness has always put people off. Doctors would never help me with that via medication. I just think they were happy with my unemployed status. I really can't stand them. They have been on no real help to me at all.

As far as medicating goes I really don't do anything now. I've been through some pretty tough addictions before though.

I've spent too much time getting treated for just depression or social phobia without it ever getting to the cause of those symptoms. I would like to get into group therapy for Avoidants but I don't think there is such a thing around here.

The other day tried starting a conversation with a stranger at the gas pump and it went well but I really didn't feel any kind sense of achievement. The bottom line is that person is still a stranger, and it's not like I'll be calling them up to go anywhere.
I think Avoidant never really feel good even when they do achieve something or conquer a fear. That's frustrating.

I hope you can feel some pride in the fact that you work. I know how hard that can be for an Avoidant.

[Mojambo]

11. Thanks for responding

I think one of the reasons why I've been able to hold down this job is that I don't really have co-workers. I work at a magazine/news kiosk owned by a long time acquaintance of mine. It's located in a shopping center that I've been frequenting for most of my adult life. I worked in a bookstore located here for like 4 years before I developed my problems and I know pretty much everyone around here (and more importantly, they know me)

I'm not challenged by the work, and the setting is familiar enough that I'm able to cope. Of course there's no future in it at all, but I guess I'll worry about that some other time.

I too was erroneously diagnosed with social phobia. My doctor put me on Paxil a few years back and it was a nightmare. It gave me very exaggerated mood swings and I was prone to lashing out while I was on it. I lost my job at the bookstore because of it and the ensuing depression lasted a couple of years (if it ever really ended.)

As for my current state... It's just so hard to self-analyze. On the avoidant side I feel like things are getting worse. I'm not just avoiding people or unpleasant situations anymore. I'm avoiding things that I LIKE. Things that I WANT to do. It seems like I'm trapped into only doing things I've done before. My discomfort with the unfamiliar, unknown and untried has led me to avoid doing anything! I avoid watching new movies or TV shows, playing new video games, or eating at new or different restaurants. I can't write or create anymore. I haven't been able to for a long time. My mind feels utterly shut off to new experiences, ANY experiences. I can't open it up again.

I mean, I will watch the same TV shows over and over again in place of watching anything new. I don't know why. I wish I knew why.

I know the self-medicating is contributing to the problem, but I'm not sure to what degree. I smoke pot pretty regularly, but I've taken significant breaks from it in the past with absolutely no effect on the overall state of things. The depression seems to pack a bigger punch when I'm not smoking, but I do seem a bit more productive on doing chores. But as far as the avoidant issues go, they are unaffected. My stash is almost gone now. I don't think I'll be buying any more. Maybe it's time to sink or swim, clean and sober.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm avoidant at all. Maybe I'm just incredibly lazy of mind. I know that's what it looks like to other people. That I don't try. And they're probably right, I usually don't.

[Cobalt Violet]

12. Getting sober can be a 1 step foward, 2 step back or visa versa.

Well from your last statement it does seem like your pretty down on yourself. Like avoidants are.
Maybe you have writers block. I know that I often feel a sort of writer's block when it comes to painting sometimes. But I do try to get through it because it is one of the few things that I do like about myself. But sometimes it can be years before I'm inspired. But it's a very tough hurdle.

Do you get pleasure out of watching familiar things over and over again? If you do that alone may exlpain why you do it. A relief or escape. If you don't then I don't know, I'm thinking ocd-ish but I'm probally way off with that. I just don't know.

[Mojambo]

13. I thought about the OCD

I'm doubtful because I don't really have any other obsessive behaviors.

I think I do it because it doesn't require my full attention. I don't have to concentrate on it or think about it because I've already seen it dozens of times.

I do notice that sometimes when I'm watching something I'll fire up a game of solitaire or browse the internet idly. I can't do that with something new, because I won't be able to follow it.

I wonder if there might be some attention deficit thing going on. But again, I've kinda looked at that disorder and I really don't have any of the other signs.

I feel so constricted. Like my pool of experiences is drying up and shrinking.

I don't know. Thanks for listening.

[DemExpat]

14. My thoughts and experience.....

I know the self-medicating is contributing to the problem, but I'm not sure to what degree. I smoke pot pretty regularly, but I've taken significant breaks from it in the past with absolutely no effect on the overall state of things. The depression seems to pack a bigger punch when I'm not smoking, but I do seem a bit more productive on doing chores. But as far as the avoidant issues go, they are unaffected. My stash is almost gone now. I don't think I'll be buying any more. Maybe it's time to sink or swim, clean and sober.

In my case, self-medicating (pretty heavily) with marijuana made things worse for me. People do use it for depression or relaxation, so it is logical to me that if you stop it, the underlying problem will still be there.

I had to stop because I was in a downward spiral that needed some major changes, and I was messing myself up using practically anything I could get my hands on to feel better.

About negative self-talk - I am a big believer now of the power of our thoughts over our physical and mental well-being since I discovered how my thoughts affected my panic disorder. I don't use positive thinking per se as it feels so contrived, fake sometimes, but I did slowly stop bashing myself for my situation.

Avoidant behavior is something I can have to an extreme form if I allow myself to follow this tendency in myself. So I make a point - at first by writing small goals on my calendar to do each week, to keep myself out and about to some extent. If I notice that I have not been on a public transport bus for awhile, I'll take a short ride on one. If I haven't been to the cinema, I go to a movie.....out to eat in a restaurant?....ditto.....get together with friends too....
Some things I have to make an effort for to keep feeling relatively comfortable doing these things.

Maybe try cutting down the self-medicating to get yourself into more of an active mode, and then try to plan small things to do to get you feeling more active and creative?

I know its not this simple, but in my view, taking baby steps gets you there just as well as running.

DemEx

[Mojambo]

15. Well, I've been off marijuana for a little over a week.

Had my first big panic attack yesterday on my day off. It was about mid-day and I looked at the clock and was seized by anxiety. I hadn't done anything and had no plans to do anything. I was sitting around the house and the room started to shrink. Normally on my days off I would have the pattern of going out early and taking care of stuff and then coming home and getting high for the remainder of the evening.

Having that pattern interrupted was paralyzing to say the least. I cried for a good half and hour straight before I ended up fleeing the house and going shopping (browsing bookstores, really.) I did some grocery shopping and by the time I got back home I was a little better. Still really edgy and feeling quite empty, but not so panicked. I ended up playing World of Warcraft and listening to Air America for the rest of the night.

So now I'm not self-medicating (no pot or alcohol) but my world still feels incredibly small and empty. I'm hoping that the anxiety will get better the further removed I get from the drugs.

I think I'm going to take your suggestion and get a calendar to try and schedule small things.

[DemExpat]

16. Hang in there, Mojambo.

Panic attacks are the worst hell, and they leave one feeling so empty and drained, as you described.
The more you can survive these bio-chemical onslaughts within yourself without resorting to alcohol or dugs the stronger you will be in not being at mercy to these acute adrenalin rushes - for this is what a panic attack is basically.

After I learned what they were physically, I slowly experienced more power in working through them without having to flee, and then to my present state of being able to catch the warning signs very early and to ward them off completely. I may still get the sensation that one is coming, but I have the tools now to breathe them away, relax my stomach muscles, and stop the attack.

By the way, the book that helped me so much has been re-issued, I see. If you are interested you might look for it at the library before buying it:
http://www.amazon.com/Panic-Attacks-Christine-Ingham/dp/0007106904/sr=8-9/qid=1169824474/ref=sr_1_9/002-4961411-6808811?ie=UTF8&s=books

Of all the books I read on the subject, this one "hit the spot" for me.

One of my most enlightening and powerful tools was to reach the point that when I felt it threatening - where before I would panic just at the thought of an attack, making it even worse and would try to escape the physical situation I was in - I gathered all my inner strength to challenge it, to even mock it to come and get me....it could not destroy me.....and was amazed at how this, after a bit of practice, worked to stop it in its tracks. (Along with regular, deeper breathing).

But you mentioned that it hit out of the blue, so maybe learning a few good breathing techniques to help you ride out attacks like these would be your best first aid help at this time.

But definitely try to find things to fill in your time that you used to spend in a more self-medicated state, things you enjoy, or used to enjoy...

Congratulations on taking such a big step out of your regular routine! I am sure that many here well understand how this feels.
This is a huge step, but as I mentioned above, taking baby steps along the way in other things is very effective too.

:hug:

DemEx

[DemExpat]

17. And see if you can find better support in your area

from your doctor, or a good counsellor/psychotherapist/psychiatrist.

You seem to be having to slug it out on your own, like many (most?) of us seem to be doing by choice or out of necessity, while sometimes a good ear and feedback are called for. In my experience.....

DemEx

[Mojambo]

18. Thanks for your support.

It means a lot.

I would love to see a counselor or therapist, but I just don't have the resources. There is a free health clinic here, but they've recently cut back their mental health services. I think you can still go there to get free or low cost meds, but I'm not sure if that's even a route I want to go. I was on paxil for a while a few years back and it was an unproductive (and ultimately downright destructive) experience.

I've been okay for the last few days. Having them be work days has helped because I have less time on my hands.

It seems like the anxiety about missing the drugs has subsided a bit. I've even started feeling that desire to write a little bit, but I still feel blocked from really actually doing it. It's that same block that has held me up from doing just about anything my whole adult life. Sometimes it feels like a lack of focus. Other times it feels like a fear of failure. Sometimes it just feels like laziness.

Empty, empty, empty. That's the word that describes how I feel most. I feel like an abandoned car in the desert. My tank is empty. I want to fill it up, I know how to fill it up, but I can't drive to the station. The thing that aggravates me the most is that the obvious course of action in that situation is to grab a gas can and hoof it to the station, but I don't know which direction to start walking. So I sit in the car, and wait, and wonder how I'm going to proceed. Baby steps I guess.

Man... Thanks for listening. It sure doesn't hurt to vent a bit every once in a while.

[DemExpat]

19. You are very welcome.

I've even started feeling that desire to write a little bit, but I still feel blocked from really actually doing it. It's that same block that has held me up from doing just about anything my whole adult life. Sometimes it feels like a lack of focus. Other times it feels like a fear of failure. Sometimes it just feels like laziness.

Empty, empty, empty. That's the word that describes how I feel most. I feel like an abandoned car in the desert. My tank is empty. I want to fill it up, I know how to fill it up, but I can't drive to the station. The thing that aggravates me the most is that the obvious course of action in that situation is to grab a gas can and hoof it to the station, but I don't know which direction to start walking. So I sit in the car, and wait, and wonder how I'm going to proceed. Baby steps I guess.


Yes, I definitely know how this blockage and feeling of emptiness feels that you so well describe.

It is up to us individually to find ways to take necessary and positive steps - for one it is maybe writing in a daily journal, reading some good (maybe self-help) books, for another having a pet to look after and have fun with, for some a great motivator and battery charger is physical exercise on a daily basis to get the flow going again, while for others meditation teaches a lot about the emptiness and what holds you back.
Taking some courses either intellectually stimulating, or creative....the list is endless.

Join a group if you are the sociable type to feel inspiration from others.

Hope you are feeling the flow and some excitement again soon, also in your writing, Mojambo, and feel free to vent here if it helps you process it all!

I am at the end of a 6 year attempt to earn a University degree after not being able to do this in my youth. It has been a tough job for me - mostly battling against myself and my old pattern of quitting everything when I felt stuck, or inadequate, and inevitably losing my drive and inspiration. This is my final year,(I graduate this Fall!) and it is unfortunate that I didn't do this study earlier to be able to perhaps find work in this field - Human Geography and International Studies (Social Science with politics and geography) - but for me this is something I always regretted not doing, and after raising my family have found the stamina at this point in my life to complete it!
Very stressful, but very rewarding.


:hug:

DemEx

[Cobalt Violet]

20. I hate that empty feeling.

I feel it often too. I have no idea what to do about it but it sucks. Worthless and empty. It just sucks. I'm sorry that I can't help. But i just wanted you to know that I feel it a lot too.