Halloween Sucks!

[ThingsGottaChange]

For so many years, because of extreme anxiety & social phobia, I would never be home on Halloween because it was just too much. I get anxious just at the thought that someone might come to my door. I also have major depression, which has been kinda bad lately.

This year I decided that I was going to do the trick or treat thing. For some reason I feel more comfortable where I am living now. So, the kids start showing up and I feel just fine & dandy passing out the sugar. But, then some folks show up with real little guys that are just so adorable! And I close the door and start crying. I never had any kids. And I am alone and will always be that way. And I've just felt real bad lately.

Thanks for letting me talk.

[DemExpat]

1. Sorry to hear of your sad feelings, TGC

Here is a :hug: from me to you......

Nothing about the future is written in stone, even the feelings that we have to deal with in the present.


I hope you feel better with more perspective very soon.
:hug:

DemEx

[ThingsGottaChange]

2. Thank you, DemEx

That was very nice. And the hug was very much needed! I feel better already!!!

[Larissa238]

3. Welcome to DU

:hug:

Why do you feel that you will always be alone, if you dont mind me asking. I thought the same thing... failed relatioships, one after the other. Right now, I have hope that the one I am in is "the one". I hope that you can find the same thing.

I understand how it can be hard. This weekend, I was at school for the homecomming game. Not going, mind you, working. I saw everyone there, all happy, and the band playing, and I wanted to cry. I miss being able to go to the games. I miss being able to be with a bunch of friends and not get a panic attack. I miss the way that I used to be.... *sigh* okay, enough of me lol

:hug: again for you!

[ThingsGottaChange]

4. Hi, Larissa

I'm 50 y.o. I've had depression & anxiety all my life. I've never had a relationship last more than 5 years. I'm such a basket case in a relationship that I just can't do it anymore. I have discovered after all this time that people, amazingly enough, don't want to spend too much time with someone with all these problems. I thought my last relationship was "the one". It lasted 2 years and ended just over 3 years ago. Even in the beginning of that rel. I told myself that if this one doesn't work out, then that's it. I'm done.

And, so, I am done. It was just too exhausting trying to be part of the "normal" world, all the while knowing that I didn't really know how to "fit in" or whatever. I'm too damn old to pretend anymore. I have never had an ounce of confidence. I hate the way my life turned out but, I just can't go through that kind of thing anymore. It just seems that the best thing for me and other people is for me to stay alone.

Some days I feel ok and some days I just want to hide away and cry. A part of me actually has accepted this but, sometimes that other part takes over. Usually because of what I call my "depression dreams". And I ache for a normal life with a family. With people who actually care and want to be with me.

Well, this isn't getting too sappy, is it? Sorry for the blather! Just having a bad life!!

[Larissa238]

5. I understand the "bad life" feeling

I am a little more optimistic about life and love- I'm only 22. I understand you being "done". I was at that point in high school... I lasted 5 years without a serious relationship (quite a feat in high school and college). I ache for a normal life, and a family, too... but I have deep fears that I will pass my bipolar and my borderline onto my child. I know it is definitely a possibility, and I don't want to bring a child into this life that I have.

What I can say is that having children is not a cure-all. Most women think so, but they don't realize that most children want their independence by age 2. Then they don't give the "unconditional" love that the mom wants anymore- so she has another child. Its a vicious cycle. My ex was like that- she wanted a child so she could feel loved. I didn't approve of it, because a parent should not have a child to make themselves feel loved, they should have a child to love that child. If this is not you, then I am glad, and sorry for the rant.

:hug: for you, and even though I am young, I can still relate, and I hope you value what I have to say.

[ThingsGottaChange]

6. Yes, I do value what you have to say

But, if you don't stop bringing up the fact that you're SO YOUNG I'm afraid I'm going to have to slap you! :evilgrin: You have alot of time to figure out your life. At least you know what your diagnosis is. You can get information and/or help NOW! I spent 46 years trying to be "normal" because I thought it was something that I was supposed to fix by myself. Once I was diagnosed it was a huge weight lifted off of me. It wasn't my fault!!! I'm hoping that you always move forward, Larissa.

I had plenty of chances to get pregnant if that was what I really wanted. But, I didn't want to "trap" someone or be a single mom. When I started getting into my late 30's I just went nuts with wanting to have a kid before it was too late. And now I have to say that I'm glad it turned out that way. I don't think being a mother would have worked out very well for me or for a child.

But, when I see a cute toddler or a baby, it's like being stabbed in the heart. To never to have experienced motherhood is something I probably will never completely get over.

Thanks, Larissa, you're a sweetie!
:hug:

[Larissa238]

7. I am getting help

I am playing the medication game with my doctor, seeing which ones are going to work for me. Sadly, since I have mutiple diagnoses, it lowers the chance that medications will work for me. I know a lot of information, I have read the DSM on my diagonses and taken abnormal psychology. I read about the medications I am on. I try and get the most information possible.

The thing is, although I have this infomation, it does not always help. I still see what my disorder does as part of me, not as a separate thing. My boyfriend is a great help with that, too. I still try to be normal... and it does not work. So I am trying my best to accept what I have and live with boundries. Its just really hard, since I want to be the way I was before.

I have the desire to have a child... Im just really scared. Will I be a good mother despite my disorders? Will my children get the disorders? What kind of life will they have? *deep sigh* My boyfriend wants kids (and he is going to read this, he is a mod and reads my posts here lol... I know and I dont mind), and he knows my worries. Its just when and if I have kids... it scares me.

:grouphug: to you!