I just realized I haven't touched our little website since Andy died.

[EFerrari]

Sort of shocking. I guess I wanted time to stop or something.

I couldn't go to his services because I couldn't move.

This will be a long road because if I think about it for more than I minute, the tears just roll and roll.

It feels like I have to put my whole self together again. Some DUer said, it hurts like this because you are making room for the person you lost inside of you. Was it one of you guys? My memory sputters, probably another form of not wanting reality to touch me much just now.

I miss Andy. Especially when I see all these lovely DUers come together, I wish he was here, to see it and to enjoy it, too.

Weepy me.

Beth

[DemExpat]

1. So sorry to hear of your continuing grief, Beth.

I can only suggest that you do take the time to think about him while allowing the feelings to overcome you for as much time in your day that you can allow for this.

The more you can do this the sooner your loss of your friend will not be so excruciatingly painful.

And - pouring so much of your heart and soul into his fight of the disease with the outcome it gave is bound to give someone an enormous kick in faith and passion. (Similar to losing a child, maybe? As I can imagine it.....)

The process that all DUers witnessed with the rally of support for Andy's treatment was a very positive, uplifting and inspirational gift that you gave us all - not just to Andy and his loved ones.
Thanks for that, dear.....
The energy and light that you gave is so much stronger than the darkness and meanness that was witnessed as well, and your love absolutely wins over hate, Beth, no matter if your loving efforts didn't save (physically) Andy.


(Just my p.o.v here)

Hope you find a way to process your loss soon,

:hug:


DemEx

[EFerrari]

2. Thanks, DemEx.

:hug:
:grouphug:

[EFerrari]

3. And, that was so beautiful, wasn't it?

Our caring, our coming together. I'll never, ever forget that.

:)

[Ladyhawk]

4. (((((Big Hugs)))))

I wish he were here, too. I am so sorry for all of Andy's friends. You will be a long time in healing.

[shrike]

5. Must be very difficult for you

Since you put so much time, energy and heart into making him well again. Then we had all that nastiness ... well, enough of that.

Just remember what a good friend you were to him, and how much happiness you must have given in his last months of life, to know that a friend like you was there.

[EFerrari]

6. Hey, shrike. You know, all that happened in 6 weeks. It just felt like

months. This is the first major holiday, I think, or at least, the first one I noticed.

I sent Termite some flowers and when the waves come, I try to hug them instead of hiding from them. Couldn't have done that in August, say.

Hard year. Two close friends both gone from a really quick cancer.

Time really does help, even though it seems to take so long to step back into time out of the grief. Sort of like getting back on an escalator. I hope that makes sense. :silly:

I'm planting roses today. Two climbing ones and one floribunda in a pot. Three months ago, I couldn't care if the ones already here were alive or not. So, there's movement I guess.

Thanks,
b.

/clarity, maybe