I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND

[TrogL]

Oh, God, I'm so confused.

Details to follow.

I hate my life.

[DemExpat]

1. Hon, why not hang out with people of both sexes you are attracted

to without immediately jumping into bed with them?

Yeah, I'm a Mom of young adults now too, was a child of the 60s myself way back.....know the scene of casual sex and all.

Get to know some people more closely and take things S-L-O-W-L-Y.....:D

No need to rush into stuff so fast IMO, and gives you time to sort out your feelings better. For your sanity and all!

:hug:

DemEx

[EFerrari]

2. oh, TrogL! Now, I'M confused!

I await details but am going on the assumption that you. will. be. fine.

:hug:

[shrike]

3. You must be a heck of a guy

I know people who can't garner interest from either sex. Relax and enjoy ...

[TrogL]

4. Details

She's one of my son's friend's mothers. No he only has one mother. You know what I mean. She dropped by to pick him up and stayed for coffee, then there was a good movie on, then we got into the wine. They begged for a sleepover so she ended up coming by the following day and stayed for awhile and we had chance to talk and we like a lot of the same things. She's a Conservative but I'm working on that. She's certainly no freeper.

She must have been getting a giggle out of me following her around like a lost puppy and I (of course) have no idea what signals she may or may not be sending. My daughter says she likes me.

I'm taking it very slowly until I can figure out :wtf: is going on.

Next visit/date/whateveritis Wednesday.

[TrogL]

5. OK, so now what

She's coming tonight.

I quit drinking Monday morning so there's no booze in the house.

My daughter just phoned and she's working tonight (she got called in - she's an absolutely green trainee so she must be doing something right) so she won't be there to translate signals.

I wonder if she'd like to help drywall the basement? Given her quirky personality, she just might.

[shrike]

6. Ask her

There are indeed women who like drywall. Plus, it appeals to our nesting instinct.

[DemExpat]

7. LOL....I would ask her to help with the basement....

:thumbsup:

DemEx

[EFerrari]

8. Hey, I've been on drywalling dates.

It does appeal to some nesting thing or maybe to some creative impulse.

Slow and easy sounds good to me.

:hug:

[TrogL]

10. She's no Conservative

It's worse! She's gonna do campaign work for the NDP!

[TrogL]

9. Now I'm not so sure

She loves country and western music.

[TrogL]

11. We've got a date tomorrow night

What do you wear to a country and western dance hall?

No, I'm not buying one of those ridiculous frilly shirts.

However, I do own a tux.

[shrike]

12. Jeans and a decent shirt

Don't worry about the other accoutrements. I don't like C&W but I've had fun at those places.

Just chill and treat her like a person -- you'll be okay.

[TrogL]

13. You forgot to mention the black shoes or boots

I was the only person there in running shoes.

I had a good time anyway. This place seems to be into good country rock, not the whiney C&W shit that I dislike.

We danced a couple of times and got really close near the end. When it got crowded people started pushing stools together and she ended up basically in my lap whether she liked it or not.

We haven't even reached the hand-holding stage yet. Even though I've told her about the Aspie stuff, I think she's forgotten that I have no idea what I'm doing. I bought her a rose from the rose lady and she said that was romantic.

I'm used to gay dates where after the second drink, somebody says "wanna fuck?"

(Yes, I'm kidding)

[shrike]

14. Yeah, I did forget about the boots

Shame on me, being that I know so many "horsie" type people. (I doubt anyone was paying attention to your running shoes.)

Glad you had a good time. Like I said, the C&W bars can be fun -- one of the few places I've been where the men actually dance and seem to like it.

Good move with the rose. We girls like that.

[TrogL]

15. Any other suggestions?

Nothing complicated.

[shrike]

16. Call her soon, but not too quickly

Makes you look needy. So wait a day or two. Just tell her you had a good time, chit-chat, say you'd like to get together again soon.
One thing women HATE is men who say they'll call and don't.

[TrogL]

17. What's with the girls dancing with girls?

Didn't seem to be an LGBT thing.

The other thing that confused me was one woman in particular who spent the first hour dancing a very formal looking two-step with one guy, but later showed up as partner with half-a-dozen other guys.

[shrike]

18. You don't hang out much in straight bars, do you?

Women always dance with women. Otherwise most of us would never dance. Guys, for the most part, are too macho, too cool, whatever, to get out on the dance floor unless they're roaring drunk. Women, however, love to dance, and so we have to rely on each other to get out there, mostly.
My hubby, OTOH, loves to dance, always has. He had to beat the women off with a stick when he was younger. He'd go out for a night with his buddies and by the end of the night his buddies' girlfriends were slipping him their numbers.
Regarding the woman with multiple partners: people who are particularly good dancers or just love to get out there will dance with whomever will dance with them. It's also possible that one of them is her boyfriend and she was dancing with his buddies.

[TrogL]

19. OK we seem to have gotten a bit beyond the hand holding stage

We've been very forthcoming about "taking it slow". Among other things I was diagnosed with an STI (google is your friend) and treated for it but we had to wait for lab results to come back, and she needed to go to her doctor 'cause she's prone to various urinary infections and we both wanted to make sure we were both emotionally ready because she had some issues and in the course of conversation we discovered that I had some issues so we ended up sitting on opposite ends of the couch with my daughter giggling at us (yes she's 17 and knows sexual tension when she sees it).

She's quite the feminist so I picked up a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine to tease her with (we've been endlessly teasing each other about a whole lot of things, eg. C&W music, Aspie issues) and instead she ended up voraciously reading it and pointing out things in the articles (if you've got the current issue, check out pg. 84 - the rest of you use your imagination). My eyes aren't what they are used to be. I wear progressive lenses but the sweet spot for reading isn't very big so I had to move up close to read the magazine over her shoulder and sometimes had to lean in close to read the small print which really aggravated my bad hip (it sucks being old) so I had to shift position before I started screaming in pain and sort of fell over and had to grab her shoulder to keep from falling and kinda forgot to let go and she kinda snuggled in but her back looked tense and backrub seemed to be in order...

...

The rest you can just bloody imagine.

...

When the dust settled, we ended up talking about how scared we both were and both of our body image issues (I'll start a separate thread).

Tonight she wants to go toy shopping.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

...not for the kids.

What have I gotten myself into?

[DemExpat]

20. Sounds kinda sweet.....

and apologies for thinking you were a youngster in my first post TrogL....:D:D:D

DemEx

[TrogL]

21. and here I thought I was being so subtle

We've been talking and talking and fessin' up about stuff.

For weeks we've been sitting on the couch. It started with us on the extreme ends and over the period we'd gradually moved closer using various excuses:

• she needed room for her knitting
  
• the cat pissed on the couch and it's still wet
  
• there's no room on the coffee table so we need to push our plates together (dining room table is covered in computers)
  
• I can't see the TV
  
• the cat's sleeping and I don't want to disturb it
  
• ooh, look at this article in the magazine
  
• I can't see it without my reading glasses
  
• I didn't want to interrupt you so I reached across you for the salt
  

each time each of us getting more and more nervous and trying not to show it. You could cut the sexual tension with a chainsaw.

We went dancing at a C&W bar and started the evening at arm's length. By the end of the evening we were close dancing. Nevertheless we didn't hold hands to and from the dance floor because each thought the other would be offended. While we gone, not-so-innocent bystanders pushed our stools together. By the end of the evening we were basically in each other's laps, each making a big production out of ignoring the fact. Neither of us wanted to be the first to put our arms around the other for fear of being too forward.

My daughter says "now that that's over with" life can get back to normal (eg. they can have the living room back).

[shrike]

22. That's really neat

Sounds like she likes you.

[TrogL]

23. Somehow I get that impression

She just moved in, cats and all.

We had a family meeting and one of the kids announced "I would just love her to be our step-mom" which kind of floored us 'cause we had expected to spend at least 1/2 an hour beating around the bush. Of course they are already guilty of some rather unsubtle matchmaking.

Yesterday she got the kids to help me clean out the basement and it was done in an afternoon. I've been trying to get that accomplished for the last six months and she did it without one raised voice. We've figured out pretty much where all her furniture is going to go, mostly replacing my ex-partner's stuff that he wants back (theoretically, anyway) and my stuff that's old, broken and/or covered in cat piss. She needs to be all moved in February 1st.

Her mother is ecstatic. Mine doesn't know yet. I tried to tell her when she phoned this weekend but she wouldn't shut up long enough.

[shrike]

24. Oh, my Lord

I guess so.

That's awfully quick. Then again, I know a couple who moved in together twelve hours after they met. They're still together as far as I know.

Just stay realistic and go one day at a time.

The basement thing's a good sign, at least.

[TrogL]

25. So much for not making wedding plans

We've been trying to "go it slow" on a whole variety of issues (and failing miserably). One was marriage. I've been married twice (and almost a third time). She'd been all lined up to get married about a year ago but future hubby died suddenly so she had issues. Be that as it may we had a rather odd conversation on the drive into work:

Her: ...right now, but I do have a wedding dress, I just have to finish making it.

Me: A wedding is going to be way too expensive right now, but then again I own my own tux.

Her: ...but we'd need formal wear for the wedding party, especially the best man.

Me: Actually I was thinking of [best friend] for best man and he owns his own tux, as do all the other people I was thinking about as groomsmen. [we're all professional musicians]

Her: ...and I was going to make the bridesmaids' dresses - I've already got the pattern and now I've got someplace to set up my sewing machine...

Me: ...and I've got access to a church [I'm the organist] and ...

Her: It's too small.

Me: [coughs, hacks, turns 14 shades of purple] It seats 200.

Her: [Gives a look] I know twice that many people and they'd probably all show up.

Me: [coughs, hacks, turns 12 shades of green] ... so where ...?

Her: We could have it at the [different denomination] church!

Me: HERESY!!!

Her: [babbling] ... and we could have [a relative] as ring bearer and roses for flowers and my mother would want to cook and there'd be engraved invitations and my aunt Judy could ...

Me: [screams]

[shrike]

26. I'm speechless

Congratulations. And be careful.

[TrogL]

27. We agreed on a church and a date

She said to make the phone call.

:scared:

[Tab]

28. My parents eloped in 3 weeks

so I'm probably not one to comment, but if I've followed this correctly, you got a girlfriend although it took a while to consummate the relationship, and days (weeks?) after that she's moved in, and now you've got a date to be married?

You know yourself best, but my inclination would be to slow down - you can live together for a long time and get used to each other and see how it works. It's a lot easier to get into a marriage than it is to get out of one, even more so if you bring kids into the deal.

Unless it's forbidden by your religion (in which case you wouldn't be doing it now, I presume), your relationship won't dramatically change by being married - you'll see a bigger change in it by living together. That said, some relationships do further change dramatically by being married - because one or both partners aren't as ready for it as they would like to think they are and now feel trapped.

If you're posting here with concerns, and you just moved in together (heck, you just met!), then see if she'll agree to just living together for a year or so and seeing how it goes. If at that time, which can cover a lot of territory, you still want to go for it, then congratulations. But it sounds like you need a little proving time for yourself.

My 2 cents...

- t

[TrogL]

29. It isn't gonna be right away

It's at least six months off and there's plenty to do first.

• get divorced - process has been going on for 7 years with no end in sight
  
• get her furniture moved in
  
• confirm church and hall is available date/time we want it
  
• raise cash for wedding, reception, transport, material for dresses, flowers
  
• bring my mother up to speed (gradually)
  

A year from now might be a more realistic date.

[Tab]

30. The problem with six months

is that it's difficult to back out without upsetting a lot of arrangements. If it were further off, it'd be easier. If you plan to be together forever, what's a few months or a year? On the other hand, if you feel the trepidation you seem to be showing, you might appreciate the extra breathing room to get comfortable with the idea.

I may be out of line, but you did bring it up here, and that's my take on it. Best of luck, whichever way it goes. I do know for a fact that it's not enjoyable being married to someone you're incompatible with. I dated my ex-wife for two years before marrying her, but we only moved in together 4 weeks before the wedding, and I was wishing for divorce within 30 days.

On the other hand, my current wife and I lived together first for nearly 2 years with nary a problem, and I can't see any reason why we won't stay together forever. That time living together let me know whether or not it was workable before formalizing any plans.

Whichever way you go, good luck.

[TrogL]

31. Morning argument

Context: Junior has having problems at school. Tries every possible excuse to get ouf of going. I've met the staff. I don't particularly blame him. Be that as it may, he's missed a lot of school work and I arranged for stuff to be emailed to me. On Friday his science teacher emailed some optics home work and reading material so Junior can study up for a test on Wednesday. This is Monday morning.

Her: (sleepily) Wuzzat?

Me: If Junior doesn't go to school, have him to through these homework sheets and research it on the net.

Her: I don't know anything about optics.

Me: You don't need to. He can find it on the net.

Her: Why isn't he going to school?

Me: You need to listen to what I actually say. I said "If he doesn't go to school..."

Her: Where is his text book, how can I be expected to teach him science if there isn't any textbook?

Me: Fine. Whatever. Drop it.

Her: blah blah blah

Me: I give up. Drop it.

Her: blah blah blah

Me: WHATEVER.

I take the sheet out of her hand and put it on the dresser and put a box on it to keep it in its place. Then I go into the kitchen to get ready for work. Junior wanders in.

Junior: What was that about science homework?

Me: Your teacher sent some over.

Her: [sulking] He won't let me show it to you.

Me: Here.

Junior looks through the sheet and rattles off the answers then goes back downstairs. I notice the dishwasher has been run and decide to disconnect it. I turn off the hot water and press the button to release the pressure. I shoots out water instead. I turn the cold water off as well and try again.

Me: Who used the dishwasher last?

Her: I did. Why?

Me: [deadpan] You had both the hot and cold water on. That will make the incoming water lukewarm at best. The dishes won't come clean.

Her: Why are you so angry?

Me: I'm not angry, that was a bare statement of fact.

Her: Why are you picking on me? You're picking on me, Junior's snarling at me, the cats are pissed off at me....

:wtf:

[TrogL]

32. She phoned and apologized

Apparently she is NOT a morning person, especially without caffeine.

[shrike]

33. How's it going, Trog?

Hope you guys have slowed down a little.

Marriage can be a wonderful thing (I'm in a happy situation) but don't enter it lightly. Maybe, given the issues the two of you have, pre-marital counseling visits may be in order.

[TrogL]

34. It's off the radar for the moment

We've both way too busy to do any planning.

Nevertheless to bug her I windowgaze in wedding stores.

On another front, my sister knows about "us" and approves and she ratted me out to my mother who merely said "I thought he said he was gay".

[shrike]

35. Tell your mother that sexuality is complex

That'll give her enough to chew on for the next ten years.

It's good you've slowed down. Just enjoy the moment, and what's meant to be will happen.