did you go to college? how did it go?

[mopinko]

my bp kid will graduate from a therapeutic day school in june, and is planning on going to college. she will get a grant from the school, which has an endowment. in order to qualify she has to go to a 4 year school, and have a declared major. i hope i am not letting my own feelings color my judgment, but i will be shocked if this kid succeeds. she is extremely bright, and is doing well where she is. but she failed spectacularly in regular school. where she is now, they are focused on keeping kids emotionally stable, and not so much on academics. like, there is no homework, and she has group therapy, and individual therapy with the social worker. she needs these things, big time. they will give her a certain amount of support after she leaves, as long as she is still in town. fortunately, in chicago, there are a lot of choices, and she should be able to get accepted at uic. she wanted to go to siu, far away, and known party school. i think she is over that, but....
so, if i had my way, i would want her to work for a year or 2, and get a little more stable. but if she doesn't go directly to school, no grant. we do have the money to send her. (the grant will not cover more than half.) but i feel like the only thing we will get for our money is a clear conscience.
so, please share your experience, and opinions about this.

[Tab]

1. Well, I went to college...

but I'm not BP. And all colleges are different. I went from a small (225 student), closed environment high-school, where everyone more or less knew everyone else, into a large 6000-8000+ person university, where there were more kids in my intro to bio class than there were in my whole high school.

I ended up shifting to a small college which had much more individual attention and I did much better.

If the money is important, but not critical, then forget the money. What do you think is best for your daughter? Because if you toss away $x for a clear conscience, but she's not ready for it, then you lose money, and she loses time, and there's little to be gained.

I don't know your child, so you're the best judge, but if you really think she'll do better if she has more transition time, then that's what you might want to do. If you know in your heart she shouldn't take the plunge, then that's you're answer.

Sometimes I imagine each scenario and how I would feel if I had already made the decision. Imagine you've made the decision to not send her right now, but send her later even if you have to pay for it. Do you feel better about it? Now imagine you've decided to send her straight off...

Which scenario makes you feel better, and which scenario gives you stress?

The answer to that will be your answer.

[DemExpat]

2. My thoughts on this, mopinko....

My 3 attempts at university studies after highschool into my 20s were each resounding disasters. Depression, anxiety and borderline pd were my diagnoses, so mood swings definitely affected me, and still do to some extent.

I am growing closer to my graduation in 2007 - 30 years late :) - and after raising my family - and in some ways it is easier and some ways more difficult.

I had practically zero support in the early 70s from my parents and had no therapy yet, so your daughter seems to have this very real advantage at present.
But since she is in a protected environment, I would also be very hesitant about her jumping into university studies and life at this time.
My daughter seems to have avoided much of the (inherited) mental disabilities that I have, yet has taken longer to mature than a lot of young people - nothing extreme, but she has needed more time connected with us to start to feel like she is grown up enough now to start making adult choices and decisions. That's OK with my husband and with me - we were very late-bloomers with lots of baggage ourselves....


How I see my past in the light of today?
Since my education attempts were disastrous this added a deep sense of failure to my lack of any self confidence and depression. Perhaps, besides having badly needed support I could have worked a while first, or taken a few subjects to keep me in the educational sphere. Maybe your daughter could work and study part-time while working on her growing stability??????

The thing I had to keep in mind with my children was not to feel my kids had to do it like "all the rest" - that they could have the freedom and choice to do things in their tempo, at their pace, using their own judgment. (With my constant advice, naturally....:evilgrin:)
Although avoiding too much coddling because of my experiences as well, of course!
Ahhh, that fine line when raising and guiding our children! :D

So, ask her what she sees as the best route.....and since the grant pays half but is not really a decisive factor since you do have the funds, don't push it unless she really wants it. OTOH, as I mentioned above, I would try to keep her involved at some level with studies not to get out of it entirely....

How old is your daughter?
My daughter is now 24 and graduating next year from university - she took one year off after highschool (she was 19), and has been taking her time with her degree since, but she is getting there! :bounce:

Hope this helps a wee bit,

DemEx

[mopinko]

3. the big problem is

my advice to this kid will always move her in the opposite direction. i do not really have anything to say about what she does. she hates me. i would like her to go part time, for a while, especially if she is going to work, too. but she has to go full time to get the grant, and she really wants to get the grant. she wants the approval of the people at her school. we will not push her to work, although it would be good for her. she had a temporary job in october, and missed a lot of school. it is just too much of her.
i do think the kid is going to fall on her face. i think it will be too much for her. although, if she stays on her meds, she might survive. she has been taking them lately, with the nudging of her dad. he has forged a good relationship with her, and she does listen to him. he has the same fears. but he wants to encourage her to aim high, nonetheless.
that's the real conundrum here- to support her self esteem or to try to be realistic. well, the money is there to encourage these kids to reach. i just wish i could cushion the fall, if there is one. i won't be able too. blech.

[EFerrari]

4. Open mouth and insert my big foot.

I taught freshman English at Cal while a grad student there. The class was required and I saw so many kids that were obviously struggling. At the same time, I had a friend who was also a grad student in our class of 12. She had undiagnosed learning disabilities! We had to read about 300 pages a day and that was killing her.

We were lucky because at Cal, you could go to the school clinics and they had real specialists there that could help you, really help you. So, I was able to refer my students and my dear friend was able to get her stuff straightened out.

Imho, that first year is very, very tough on most kids. They feel like they're in OZ, everybody is a stranger, it's traumatizing.

I'd go preemptive on this one, I really would. If she has some thing about listening to you, have her dad hook her up with the support network at her school before she goes into crisis. And frankly, adding a job ontop of all that seems like a lot! Maybe the second year, if she finds a way to get stable at school. That first year is a real hum dinger.

I loved college because I felt out from under an oppressive situation at home. Doug, who is much smarter than I am, tried three times when he was a teen but no one at any of those schools noticed he was somewhat autistic! It's sort of amazing when you think about it. He was so smart I guess his teachers just thought he was "lazy". :eyes:

[mopinko]

8. she may get through the first year, as she is good with new

situations. people always like her at first. and vice versa.
one of the best things about the fact that hubby and i now have a great relationship (after our summer from hell) is that we can be on the same page as parents. so he can help her from a better place.
i am pulling for her to go to uic, as her shrink is associated with them. the hospital and clinics are a little way away from most of the campus, but not that far. a short bus ride. the clinic she has been going to is a child and adolescent practice. they will continue to see her until she is 21 if she so desires. we were talking about transferring to an adult shrink closer to home, but if she goes there....

[bloom]

5. I feel like I'm holding my breath

while my daughter is in school. (I rather need some oxygen).

She had gotten a full ride at one university - but the pressure of full time and honors classes was too much and she ended up depressed and in the hospital. (She has been diagnosed with various things since high school - but she is not interested in any treatments - and I don't think she was diagnosed correctly anyway - so she is just out there without support).

Now she's at another university. Started out part time - wanting to limit the stress - is now full time (barely) and living on campus. Seems to be Ok so far. She has been able to be more assertive about things and able to deal with problems that have come up - so it's so far/so good. It's been important for her to be independent.

[EFerrari]

7. As crazy as that first year is, the very disruption of routine

can be enormously liberating, too, for some kids. Independence can be very, very sweet. :)

[shrike]

6. I did well

despite an (apparently) severe case of undiagnosed ADHD. (I took one of those on-line ADD tests and was off the charts.)

Just diagnosed this past summer after Sis tipped me off to the fact that I'm just like my ADHD niece. Apparently, not all of us do poorly in school. Real life I had some trouble with, but like most ADDers I do very well when I'm interested in something, and I've always liked to learn.

[Rising Phoenix]

9. I graduated from college..

I'm bipolar, it was tough but I was upfront with my professors and the dean of students, they were very accomidating...good luck to your daughter... I hope she does well.

[mopinko]

10. these days, she couldn't hide it if she tried

especially since her high school is a therapeutic school, they can't not know. she will have a lot of support. i am at least as concerned that she will get through it, and decide that what she had studied is not what she wants to do. she does not know herself.

[EFerrari]

12. When I was teaching, I witnessed amazing gestures of

understanding and empathy from the Berkeley English Dept profs who had no special training in this area except, they were good people and they had taught many, many students (and, lived in human families).

They were willing to go the distance with any student as long as there was a plan. It was sort of beautiful.

:)

[MN ChimpH8R]

11. I went to college and an Ivy League law school

and I am as Asperger's as Carson Kressley is gay, though I didn't get dx'd until this year. I found the discipline of the environment to be good for me and I was more successful in academia than I have been anywhere else. I was also strongly motivated to get my degree and get in to a good law school. But I was a little older (early-mid 20s) when I enrolled in college, and also lived at home until I went off to grad school. Predictably, I had no real social life in college, though I did make a couple of lifelong friends.

I think most decent sized colleges have pretty good student support services for students with mental health issues, and it is always important to keep on one's meds. A big city like Chicago has lots of resources for her. Give her a chance and all the support you can. Sometimes a change of environment is a good thing, sometimes it's a bad thing. Even if she's not quite ready for it yet, trying and then taking a year or two off before finishing does NOT mean she has failed.

Best to both of you.