A close relative is mentally ill and I need some peer-to-peer

[blondeatlast]

(not professional, Mods, thanks) advice.

She's in professional therapy, but I have to think she isn't telling her therapist all he needs to know to help her. I'll keep my reasons for saying this for now, but if it will help, I will expand on the issue some.

She can't hold a job and is living WITH and off of the largesse of another close relative whose patience is about maxed out.

I'm worried about th stress level--and consequent health--of this relative too.

I have no idea how to proceed, or even if I can do anything. I will say that we have sort of "enabled" her for a very long time.

Any peer-to-peer advice is appreciated.

Thanks.

[Pharaoh]

1. Its a tough call

I sympathize with you,

maybe look into a med change, it's something I personally don't like to mess with but in a rough patch it is something to look at....

I would be very stressed myself if I had to live off someone else,

[blondeatlast]

5. I think that's a huge part of the problem.

She was salutatorian of the senior class, summa cum laude at her college graduation, and a strikingly beautiful young woman.

I know it kills her that she's, for lack of a better word, "fallen" so far, but I don't see her making much effort to help herself and that makes ME angry.

OTOH, I keep thinking she's at a point where she can't help herself, maybe.

It's so frustrating. I feel like both people in this situation are pulling at me--I feel like I have to be Switzerland here, which is very uncomfortable for me.

[NMMNG]

2. Dear blondeatlast

Your relative may qualify for Supplemental Security Income (SSI) or Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI. These benefit programs can help with food, clothing and shelter. She may also be eligible for other assistance programs (such as Medicaid) to help with medications and other medical needs.

Best wishes to all of you,

Buffy

[blondeatlast]

3. Great advice, but she's already tried.

Here's the rub--one of her biggest problems is that her therapist (and she's gone through many) don't think she's ill enough NOT to work.

And as much as I love her, I think the therapists are correct. I think she possibly, God I hate to say this, but... she just really doesn't want to work.

It's almost as if she tries to get fired (shows up late consistently, calls in sick a lot (she's a bit of a hypochondriac), doesn't get along with co-workers (she often thinks they are out to get her).

If she'd just admit that to herself and the rest of us, I think we'd be in a better position to deal with it. But she won't, even though I'm pretty convinced that that is the truth.

[blondeatlast]

4. Thank you both so very much!

:hug::hug::hug:

God, DU can be a real lifesaver sometimes!

Just knowing people are willing to help, people I don't really even know, really lightens the burden.

I'm at a loss--but at least I know I have friends who can help me understand what's happening.

Thank you. I'll keep checking in here.

[Random_Australian]

6. With the lack of desire to work or help out- it may well be

that that is one of the main syptoms of her illness rather than her personality.
It doesn't help much except to say that the reason for not wanting to work would be pretty irrational from your perspective; but not so from hers.

There are usually two main things it could appear as from her side (within reason or a combination):

1) There's a link between expenditure of energy and some psychological system, either of punishment or just, for example, disrespect or overtiredness. ie. the reason is subconscious.

2) It is a logical processed reason for it, in which case there is an incorrect assumption somewhere on her part.

Note: Be careful if you decide either two of these are correct: it is very tempting to attempt to change it, but also very dangerous, eg. if yu decided that she for some reason felt that if she worked, then she'd be, I dunno, thrown out of the house or whatever. Any of us might then think (for the sake of argument) that the solution was to flip it, ie. if you don't work then whatever punishment mechanism would happen. Basically that would lead you to the logical conclusion that telling her 'work, or else' would be a good idea. (yes, I realise you wouldn't; I chose this example such that you could by now see that it would be a mistake) but of course the reaction to that is not to try to work, but to become more helpless in the eyes of whomsoever told them that, so as to avoid bieng punished. And learned helplessness is a bitch.

My advice: If you think you can see a main issue that is wrong, talk it over with the relevant counselor.

Cheers,
R_A.

[Pharaoh]

7. How is she on the spiritual front?

I would recomend a book called "the power of now" by eckhardt Tolle

Many of us blame the world outside us for all our problems and do not realize that we are creating many of these problems ourselves..........

She needs to at least "try" to change her mindset.

[mopinko]

8. it's hard to understand

what it is like, if you have never been depressed. it is like you skin is made of paper, but your insides are made of lead. everything is just so hard to grip.
is this relative on meds? are they really being taken? trouble with having to depend on someone is the way something that should make you feel supported ends up making you feel trapped. it burns up energy just standing still.
i've been on both sides. to the rescuer here, i would say, my biggest problem dealing with my bp kid was the way it came back at me- guilt and anger at myself for not being able to help her, and sometimes not being able to stand her. it pumped up the viscious cycle. you can't hide that little burning core from somoene who is so tuned in to emotional states. forgive yourself, first.
good luck

[Rich Hunt]

9. wise words, mopinko

Prodding and guilt-tripping won't cure this individual's 'depression'. If her 'therapists' aren't giving her encouragement and helping her to feel energetic and good about herself, I'd say she needs a different type of therapy.

I know some people have tried alternative 'therapies', like creativity, joining a depression group or other support group, etc. I've had some friends who have made greater progress when they're in a positive and supportive environment.