My mind is racing with negative thoughts I hate it.

[Maraya1969]

I had stomach problems for the last several months and I finally took myself off the Trileptal and voila the stomach ache went away. I've increase the Lamictal to 300 and I know I need to go up more. Sometimes my doctor pisses me off that he doesn't catch these side effects and I'm the one perusing the net trying to figure things out.

300 mg is not enough for me. I used to be on 500 and that worked well but occasionally I would have these times of extreme dizziness and would freak out with panic over it. But I guess I need to go there and face the occasional scary time since I've been told many times that it is not dangerous.

So now I am UP since 5am. I went to sleep at 1:00 and I am wide the f**k awake and people are coming over in the morning and I know I'm going to be exhausted since I just took another 100mg of Lamictal. I've been having negative - angry and depressing thoughts - pop into my head all the time.

I guess this is not so bad. I've been so much worse and now I can catch these things much earlier. But I am tired of all my life having to deal with this. And now I am crying - what a lovely night it's been.

My mother is against funding for stem cell research and it makes me furious. Of course SHE doesn't go through this. I wish all these ass hats who say "well there is research being done" would spend ONE day in a panicky mixed state. (I get horrible panic attacks too).

I'm glad I can post here with others who go through similar things though. It's nice to know I am not alone.

[Pharaoh]

1. Yes Maraya I am going through it too

just had my catheder out and am back from the hospital for bladder problems,the surgery did'nt seem to help, so back to square one, it is frustrating, no wonder I am depressed and tired all the time.

Keep the faith baby! :hug:

[Maraya1969]

2. That Pharaoh and right back at ya!

:hug:

[EFerrari]

3. Not alone, Maraya, not at all.

:hug:

:grouphug:

[SPKrazy]

4. I'm Having Similar Feelings

Don't take Limictal, or trileptal, I might be bipolar 2 anyway.

Do take Paxil and I've been taking 30 mg (up from 20) and I feel my mind races, which is great when it is positive.

Lately I've been rather negative.

Have some real life problems to attribute that too, but my overly sensitive reaction and barrage of negative thoughts is difficult to completely attribute that to the problems.

I'm having marital problems, 17 years of marriage, not happy. Going to see a counselor with wife this week. I have a laundry list of things that I want to talk about. 6 weeks ago I was ready to walk out. We have a son. 6 y/0 who is a very sensitive little guy too.

I am not looking forward to the session, next week traveling with family to her mother's house for T-giving. Then in a few weeks going to my family's house.

I feel like this is all weighing down on me greatly. I don't know what I want anymore.

But the negative thoughts race by: "I'll never be loved by anyone" "no one cares about me" etc.

I can get out of it usually by exercise, but some things happened this weekend that seem to have made even that hard.

So, I have no words of help, but I can empathize a little.

:)

[mopinko]

5. brace yourself for that couple's therapy

everyone i know who has gone through it is traumatized by that shitstorm at the beginning. at least half have not gotten past that. i know that i was pretty traumatized by couple's therapy with someone who was not really in control of himself.
you are biting off a really large chunk there. chew carefully.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
to both of you. double for your little one.

[SPKrazy]

6. Great! (And Thanks)

I'm so not looking forward to this, but I decided that if I was going to give things a chance then the only thing I could do was to do it, and suck it up.

Too much at stake to not give it a try.

Thanks for your support and response to me.

Just got back from working out which helps me a little.

[SPKrazy]

7. Had our first session

was a big bite

still here though!

Can't really say what I'm feeling about it all.

Got to express a small fraction of the anger I feel towards her. She cried during the whole session which tends to shut me down. (My mother always cried when she was upset and it seemed that it was always something that was somehow my fault, and needed to be stopped)

It didn't shut me down this time! We haven't had a lot to say to each other about the session. I was able to tell her that I avoid her a lot because I don't really want to be around her.

Now I've got to figure out what it is that I do want. Realize that this is not coming from some deeply narcissistic thing, but rather a lot of years of stuffing my feelings and avoiding dealing with them, to the point that I don't even know what I feel towards her.

[hedgehog]

8. Be careful that it is really you talking and not your illness.

I remember how I felt and what I was thinking when my depression was at a peak (a low?) and I can't fathom now how I could think those things or feel that way.

[SPKrazy]

9. I've felt this way for 10 years

covered it up with a variety of compulsive types of behaviors

I don't believe that it is just my depression.

The only time lately I get into a funk is on the weekends when I have to spend the weekend at home, I find as many reasons as possible to leave; work out, work, etc.

I feel better when I'm not at home, which breaks my heart because my son is there too and he's at a stage where he wants "Mommy" to be with us and doesn't want to not bring her along.

I'll keep in mind what you are saying, but I have strongly been feeling this quite clearly for several months before I ever brought up the idea of going to a counselor (yes it was my idea) with my wife.

thanks for the input

on edit, I see where you might have gotten that concern, and I appreciate it. I will look at this along with everything else.

The thing is that when I said things in the session, my wife knew already that I felt that way because I've felt that way for 10 years. 10 years ago we were going to go to therapy together and instead I chickened out, decided it was too frightening to contemplate what might come out of that counseling.

Today I'm 10 years older, have a better self concept, and less fear. Not fearless at all, I about barfed the day of the session last Friday.

anyway, i do appreciate the feedback

[hedgehog]

10. That's why I said be careful rather than stating flat out what

was going on based upon three minutes of reading your thread! You know your history and I don't. Talk to the professionals and be open to their feedback. Good luck!

[SPKrazy]

11. That's Cool

As I said I chose to take up the marital counseling as opposed to just saying screw it.

I intend to do what is asked of me within reason.

I was following the directions of the counselor when I said what I said in the session and we processed it and it wasn't a pleasant experience, but then neither is not dealing with the problems.

so peace my friend, and thanks!

[mopinko]

13. just wondering

if the marriage counselor is in touch with your own therapist, or aware of your situation. as someone who has sat on that couch in tears as someone lashed out at me, when really their fears and pain were their own, i hope that you have skillful and careful practitioners.

[SPKrazy]

15. Very Competent

I'm not seeing a therapist right now myself

we are seeing the marriage therapist together

I wouldn't worry about it if I were you, this isn't about you- this is about us. Her tears are her own, and she owns the issues that they are about.

I don't think I said I "lashed out", those are invariably your interpretation of something that didn't happen here, but maybe it did in your case.

Thanks

[The Straight Story]

12. Had such attacks myself - and they suck

:pals: for you.

Feel free if you are having one to call me or PM me. Talking always helped me, not a cure, but it does help :)

[EFerrari]

14. I just remembered this. Some years ago a dear friend told me

that when he had thoughts he wanted to stop, he said "Stop it" out loud (or a similar phrase, I'm not sure now). I've used this for both panic attacks (reassuring myself out loud) and also for what I call "racing worries" with really **good** success!

My favorite part is that it's free and you don't need any special equipment or even a prescription. :P

Lately, when I turn in, I've also tried to list the things that I'm grateful for before I fall asleep. It seems to help me stay positive -- to the extent that I manage to, anyway - and I haven't been waking up in the middle of rehashing old arguments. I did it one night when I felt terrible and it was comforting so now I seem to be doing it every night as part of my routine. Not sure why it helps but it does. :shrug: