oh just cheer up.

[mzteris]

Why can't you just "get over it"?

Just "fake it". You know - fake it 'til you make it.

Why can't you at least ACT like you're having fun?

Oh just pretend you're having a good time.

You're such a downer.

What is WRONG with you? Why can't you BE HAPPY?

****

(Don't you think if I COULD be HAPPY, I would? You think I LIKE being so f'ing depressed? You think I CHOOSE to be like this?? Yeah. Right. Sure.)

Not crying all the time is hard enough. You want me to be frickin' MERRY, too?

sigh.

[NMMNG]

1. There's a part of me,

that wants to break a limb of people like that then tell them to just "suck it up" and quit whining about the pain. I'd never do anything like that of course, but I'm so tired of hearing insensitive crap from people who haven't the first clue what it's like to have a mental illness. :grr:

[mzteris]

2. yup - maybe

we should ask 'em to chew glass and SMILE!

:banghead:

[undergroundpanther]

23. Can I use that one?

Best comeback ever to these kinds of idiots.

[EFerrari]

3. I'm right behind you.

:mad:

edit: so, please don't trip on me, lol.

[EFerrari]

4. This season has been pretty awful for me. It looks like I'm

letting down people who expect me to do things -- maybe things I've always done.

I just want to curl up on the couch and sleep for a month.

:hug: to you, mzteris. You don't have to :hug: me back.

I'm glad you posted this. Thank you.

[mzteris]

6. awwwww

of course :hug: back!!

Today's a bit better than yesterday - but the kids are pretty psyched about it being Christmas. And Santa was pretty good to them, so......

How's your day going?

[EFerrari]

10. Better than I thought it would to be honest. Aim low!

lol

I'm cooking and will shlep food and goodies over to my brother's house. The oven only caught fire once so far. :)

I forced myself to walk out on the beach with my puppy and it was so beautiful there -- like a natural mood stablizer or something. All kinds of grey and blue and you know, it was so worth the effort.

Today is my soon to be ex's birthday. He's 50 today.

:hug:
:grouphug:

[mopinko]

5. times like that, you gotta wonder

if it wouldn't be better to just be alone. i gave up on my family, because they are just more grief than good.
now it is me, hubby and our kids. the hell with it.

[mzteris]

7. problem is -

it's my husband saying it! :(

I've been avoiding my siblings for a while now.

[mopinko]

8. oh, man

that sucks.
are you taking anything? doing therapy?

[mzteris]

9. started

meds about 1-1/2 mos ago. I had an initial interview with a therapist last month. The next appt is another two weeks.

The meds at least kept me from crying all the time. But I've plateaued. They're increasing the med dosage SLOWLY 'cause I have a tendency towards side-effects.

I KNOW what the problems are/is - but I get zero cooperation, ya know? Sometimes I just get so damn tired.

[EFerrari]

12. You know, I hear you. Over the years most people close to me

have learned that I respond really well to encouragement and not so well to constant criticism. Or, I can take criticism but you'll get much better results with validation and encouragement. My husband had a lot of trouble getting that but you know what, I just started doing it for my self out loud.

I don't care what it sounds like. :) I talk to myself when I'm upset and it works pretty well. If nothing else, I can have a laugh and even that can help.

[mzteris]

15. Criticism....

it feels like everything that's said is a criticism. Which isn't (at least some of the time, I suppose - hahaha) but it certainly feels like it.

And then there's the outright criticism.

There's a lot I CAN'T DO! either for physical health - or other reasons. And it's like - "SO WHAT? I'm tired of this blah blah blah, why can't you blah blah blah."

Oh he "understands" - but obviously he DOESN'T or he wouldn't keep on harping on me.

I get so tired of it all.

As for talking to oneself. I've always done that. (Then he gets mad because he thinks I'm dogging him out about something. Ok - sometimes I AM. lol)

One time, my mom said to me (when I was a teenager) "Witches talk to themselves." And I responded, "well, mom, I have to have an intelligent conversation once in a while and seeing as how I'm the only one available . . . :shrug: ) SMACK!

[EFerrari]

20. I think I understand what you mean about criticism.

It's like an Oreo cookie -- with the sweet middle being just a concern or a need.

Sometimes I can hear hostility or disregard on my side where there may really be none. Sometimes there is hostility or disregard on the other side.

[mopinko]

13. families

this would all be so much better if there was more structures for families. families go through a lot. they don't always know what to expect, what to do, what to not do. it would help so much if that was just always part of the package. just some basic education, and some help.

[mzteris]

16. part of my

husband's problem is he had a completely and totally dysfunctional childhood. His parents were alcoholics, they both died when he was young, he got passed around to alcoholic relatives, etc...

So he has a completely distorted version of what "normal" looks like. He has a picture in his head of the "normal life" that he THOUGHT everyone else was living. Like some TV sitcom or something.

Every house is supposed to look like it does in a magazine. ("when I go to people's houses, they're all spotless." "yeah, hon - it's called cleaning up when company comes, people don't LIVE like that everyday! Kids make messes, dogs shed hair, etc...)

All the kids are supposed to be 'well-behaved'. I'm supposed to be wearing pearls, stockings and an apron. He wants to be "entertained" when he's bored. Last I looked, I didn't sign up to be his 'entertainment'!

I'm just so tired of everything I do being wrong. Or that he considers everything I do to be 'wilfully designed' just to piss him off or something.

What part of I CAN'T, does he not get???????

:banghead:

[mopinko]

17. yeah, me and hubby both

came from pretty dysfuntional families. his was filled with screaming arguments and threats to leave. mine was filled with an alcoholic dad, and trickle down from his abuse of my brother. (you don't hit girls, ya know.)

one thing that i figured out about relationships is the gigantic place that fear occupies. fear of abandonment. fear of ??? people spend most of their time jockeying around that fear, and trying to feel safe. if you can find a place of security, you can have security. i know, sounds like a zen coan.

[mzteris]

18. fear of abandonment -

yeah. I think that's where he's coming from about half the time - which he wants to offset by "intimacy" - which is just out of the question right now for me. And then the "threats to leave" . . . and then my own "fear of abandonment" manifests itself by my withdrawing and shutting down. (Hey, if you're gonna leave me, I'm gonna make sure I'm not really gonna care . . .)

And the more he pushes, the more I shut down. It's a vicious circle. I tell him that what he's doing is only making things worse, but he doesn't get it. I tried for years to "just get over it", to do what he wanted even though it hurt me so much - and now I just can't fake it anymore. And I shouldn't HAVE to! (should I?)

[mopinko]

19. no you shouldn't have to

but maybe you could strive to be able to. both of you. i dunno. i don't really even know exactly how it happened for us that we broke the cycle. i know that it had a lot to do with facing that fear, and learning to talk. not argue, talk. and say the truth, without hiding. and to both care what the other was feeling. really care. but it is a scary, scary thing. you feel like you have to protect yourself. but when the asbestos suits are set aside, you find out that you are so much the same underneath.
i know this for sure, tho- it takes a long time.

[EFerrari]

11. The thing is, even when you're alone, they're still there.

Or, that place they are in in your heart is still there.

If Dougala were here today, he'd probably be in bed. Holidays are just horrible for him and today's a double whammy, birthday +.

In a way, I'm grateful to be in a big extended family. It's a perpetual soap opera and I (thankfully) have lots of choices.

[mopinko]

14. it's true

i didn't want anything to do with my family, but a part of me is pissed that no one called.

[Ladyhawk]

21. A therapist recently tried this approach with me. Sigh.

Even therapists can suck.

[undergroundpanther]

22. Sounds like one of moms lectures

She gives me.

Why can't you just "get over it"?

Just "fake it". You know - fake it 'til you make it.

Why can't you at least ACT like you're having fun?

Oh just pretend you're having a good time.

You're such a downer.

What is WRONG with you? Why can't you BE HAPPY?

Fuck. I hate my mom sometimes.And sometimes it shows.
Oh well.

[Lilith Velkor]

24. "The Iraq War was planned by optimists."

That shuts 'em up right quick.

[mopinko]

25. been thinking about this.

i think when you hear "cheer up", "hearing between the lines" you might hear- it is so hard to watch you suffer. i am so powerless to help. i want to do something, say something. i already know it is the wrong thing. but i don't know what else to say. i miss you. i wish i could help you.

[undergroundpanther]

26. Than why oh why don't they just SAY that?

Cheer up is really insulting it makes it worse and you'd think after saying it they wouldn't keep doing the same crap?

I think the bystander phenomena where a person avoids the truth because the reality provokes anxiety in the bystander is not helping anyone. If a person can't say anything helpful to someone suffering and are too scared to be so honest as to empathize with a depressed person,and refuse to shut up with the pollyanna complaining because they feel anxious, and they are anxious because I am in pain, this observer who wants me to change the outward appearance of my mood so THEY can feel comfy is a selfish ass.

Optimism has gotten sickening in this culture it smells of denial it's not genuine and it's cowardice.It's New Age bullshit.It's like when confronted with a depressed person or a person in pain they are saying, stop showing me your pain because it makes me anxious and it feels bad So deny it so I can feel comfortable..and I friggin hate that self serving crap.

[EFerrari]

27. Self serving by any other name is survival.

Sometimes, that's all that people can do when faced with their own limits and the stressor at hand.

It is crap and it's what is possible for that person at the time, imo.

/r

[mopinko]

28. why they don't just say that

because humans are really very stupid sometimes. a bundle of our own fears and guilt, searching for our own reason to face the day every morning.
there is a special kind of twisted, tied up, unbearable emotion that a mother has for her mentally ill child. we know that we do not know. we know that most of what we say is the wrong thing. because we live in different realities. because we are different kinds of animals. because we speak a different language. we know that everything is seen through the looking glass. we know we have failed, in so many ways. even when we know we have done all one person can do, we know it is not enough.

i do not propose to speak for your mother. i can only speak for what it has been like for me.

[DemExpat]

29. I think that some are afraid of adding to your burden

by saying they are so concerned, or miss you, or would love to help but maybe scared to get involved in something they can't handle themselves.....

But some are also just being selfish denying pigs who resent our suffering because it mirrors something negative within themselves.

I think that my Mom exhibited both of these motivations when she advised me to look on the bright side.....

But you are right, hearing this type of comment only added to my confusion and utter loneliness.

DemEx