I think I'm depressed, and I'm baffled by it...

[CoffeeCat]

Hi everyone,

I think I'm depressed and it's really unfamiliar territory for me. I have
zippo energy. The thought of emptying the dishwasher feels heavy--as if
someone is asking me to climb Mt. Everest. I would pretty much prefer to
stare at the walls or watch tv. I feel unhappy. Blank. Distant and disconnected
from everything and even from my children. I have to really work at communicating
and going places. I don't sleep well.

I was in therapy for 3 years--due to traumatic childhood abuse. I thought I had
conquered most of my past. However, it feels like some sadness is creeping in.
In my previous therapy, I met my feelings (mostly anger, rage) head on and I
got through it. Anger must have been easier for me. I'm finding sadness really
debilitating. I don't know how to deal with it. I feel stuck in mud. Processing
anger felt liberating, and I knew what to do with anger. I feel like this sadness
is changing me into a zombie. Anger motivated me. Sadness seems to surround me
with cement.

Is this making any sense? I'm new to sadness like this.

I'm also eating like crazy. To me, that means I'm processing emotions, but unable
to handle them. However, I don't really know what I'm feeling. I just know that
my eating (especially sugar) is horrendously out of control.

I've been out of therapy for a year. I guess I need to start up again.
I don't know if I can take another round. I've got a lot of repressed memories
and processing them is like emotional chemotherapy. Another round of that, on
top of the sadness--feels daunting.

Thanks for listening.

[hedgehog]

1. Run - do not walk to a doctor's office!

The longer you wait, the longer you have to live like this and the more pounds you're going to put on! I think part of the eating is you're body desperately reaching out for carbohydrates to make up for whatever it's really lacking. Also - get some sunshine or Vitamin D as fast as you can!

[CoffeeCat]

2. Thanks for your input...

I will probably go to the doctor this week. I've got my child's birthday
party tonight, so I feel like I have to keep it together all day.

I know that any doctor will probably put me on antidepressants. I don't have
anything against antidepressants. However, I know that when I went through
my first round of intense therapy, I did it all without drugs and I'm glad
I did. I really needed to feel everything and process what I had buried. That's
my "mountain"--learning to feel and deal with emotions--because I stuffed it all
down as a child. That's what the overeating is about too--I find it difficult
to deal with emotions, and the food anesthetizes me.

This sadness is different though. I feel that antidepressants may aid my
processing. Depression really is debilitating. Meds might have delayed my
progress at first--but I sense that they would be helpful to me now.

Thanks again for your input, and for reminding me that I need to reach out.

I know I need to go on walks too--to get that sunlight and Vitamin D that
you mentioned, as well.

Thanks, and happy Valentine's Day. :)

[hedgehog]

3. I know that walks do me good, but when I need them the most,

I'm almost incapable of moving.

I think of meds this way - they compensate for the physical damage done by past life experiences. By processing the emotions, you have stopped the ongoing damage, but the meds may help for the existing damage. Don't be surprised if you have to go through several trails of different prescriptions to find the right one. Be sure to list al your physical symptoms including the sugar craving. Good luck.

[CoffeeCat]

9. Thanks Hedgehog...

You are right...the sugar cravings are most likely due to what
I'm missing. I've never mentioned them to my doctor before--when
talking about depression. Good catch.

I appreciate you responding, and I'm going to try to walk this week.

:hug:

[DemExpat]

4. I would check with my (psycho)therapist first

who helped you process all of the anger in the first round.

In my experience sadness is at the bottom of the pit of emotional pain - underneath anger and fear - so perhaps you can deal with this with your therapist in the same manner as you did with the stuff piled on top of this last year.

Perhaps you only need a shorter time period to really face the sadness, process it and feel enormous relief from that.

All the best to you,

:hug:

DemEx

[hedgehog]

5. Excellent suggestion!

If this person was able to help before, that's the person to go back to for more therapy or a referral or both!

[CoffeeCat]

7. Thanks DemExpat...

Thanks for your insight.

I have to tell you that your words have been giving me hope this past week.
When you said, "Perhaps you only need a shorter time period to really face the sadness, process it and feel enormous relief from that" that really resonated.

I think the most challenging part of this recovery--has been coming out of complete
denial. I had repressed most of my abuse. What I did remember--I had absolutely
no emotion associated to it. Scary. I think I'm stuck at sadness, because it is
buried so deep. I imagine, it was the first emotion that I felt--when I realized
how violated I was, as a child. So, I replaced sadness with anger--which was
much easier for me.

I believe you are right that rage/fear were piled on top of sadness--and that this
hurdle won't take as long to jump over. It took three years to process the main
denial, anger, fear and rage. I was thinking that sadness would take even longer,
but I sense that you are spot on.

Thank you so much. Your insight really helped me get through the week.

:hug:

[DemExpat]

10. Truly happy to be of help to you.

I might add that the processing of all of the (repressed) feelings doesn't clear them out completely, but it gives you the reference point as a tool to keep you from having it all interfere long term in your present life!

I get periods when I feel all of the pain returning - as extreme anxiety, anger, sadness and helplessness causing fears of deep depression returning - while now I just let these feelings come up, invite them in and acknowledge them in my journal, remember where they came from, and inevitably after a few days or so they get re-processed at a slightly different, and deeper level, and I feel stronger and more balanced than ever. I hope this continues for the rest of my life, for this is more than "liveable", if you can imagine what I mean.

:hug: and all the best with the bottom of the barrel.....:hug:

DemEx

[EFerrari]

6. "Sadness seems to surround me with cement."

Exactly. I've been going through something very similar and even my eyelids feel weighed down sometimes. I have a call into the doc who monitors my anxiety meds because we definitely need to change this cocktail. (On the other hand, I think he forgot to call me back and calling again feels like a big project. :( )

I hope this part isn't very long because it's very hard to keep up with even basic things like the dishes. Have scaled 'way back on everything I possibly can until this gets a little better. Because this is real and it needs to be dealt with, not shoved aside. I think if I had children right now, I'd probably find every help with their care that I could.

Of all things, walking has been very helpful. I rarely want to but just do it twice a day. The air and sun, even the wind somehow gives me a break from me and for a while, the weight subsides.

Much love to you, TwoSparkles. :hug:

[CoffeeCat]

8. Hi sfexpat--

I understand exactly how you feel. Of course, I would rather that anyone NOT feel
the same way I do. However, I feel slightly relieved--knowing that I am just not lazy! :)

I hear you about the dishes. I literally--unload the dishwasher in seven or eight staggered
phases. Sometimes, putting away more than 10 things, feels like I'm scaling Mt. Everest. I
have become a "counter" (does anyone else do this?). I'll say to myself, "Ok, you're going
to do it...you're going to unload at least 10 things in this dishwasher. That's your goal."
The counting distracts me and helps me to get things done.

I'm sending you loads of light and prayers--about your meds. I hope you do find the right
cocktail. I think it's so healthy that you walk twice a day. You deserve that fresh air
and sunshine.

I'm doing better this week. I'm reading "Traveling Mercies" by Ann Lamott and her writing
makes me laugh and cry. The crying has been very healing.

Thanks again for your kind message. You are always such a sparkling gem. :hug:

[EFerrari]

11. So, how is it going, my friend?

I'm forcing myself to interact with people, to find opportunities to spend time with the family. It's excruciating some days; other days it's very nice to be around them. My reading pile is high but I can't read much and that's hard as reading has been my pigpen's blanket since I was 4! But, I do seem to be catching every single episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond".

Did get a doc's appointment for later this month and look forward to that. Thank goodness, I have a great doctor and it's so nice to be able to trust him.

I definitely count. Some days, I make a list of the things I've done. I also talk to myself out loud and sometimes, in front of a mirror. "You'll be fine. You're doing fine. It'll all right to feel bad -- it's just for now." And so on. It seems to help even if I feel like an idiot while I'm doing it. :)

:hug: to you, TwoSparkles.