It scares me how easily my mind turns to thoughts of suicide...

[schmuls]

[mrgorth]

1. Join the club

We have jackets.

[stillcool]

2. I consider suicide...

the ultimate in my back pocket....or a when all else fails option. It's re-assuring for me to recognize I have an option. However, when I find myself seriously contemplating I high-tail it to the shrink. Having survived an attempt, I am very aware of what sort of consequences my action might have on others, and that is not okay with me. Usually a tweaking of the meds is the solution, along with not allowing my mind to dwell in toxic places.

[mopinko]

3. my motto-when your life completely sucks, if you are not

even thinking about suicide, you are not considering all your options. i think you can't help but remember that there is an ultimate way out. then tote up the reasons why that is a bad idea. life has to be an affirmative choice, i think.

[mrgorth]

4. I just think of how badly it would hurt my family

I don't know how I could do that to them.

[mopinko]

5. yup

that's mine, too. that and no one really wants my parrots.
i think that is the normal thought process. to be or not to be.

[Mojambo]

6. I'm counting on my complete cowardice to keep me from that option.

So far so good.

[DemExpat]

7. If you don't have experience in dealing with these thoughts

then I urge you to seek out a therapist/counselor to work this through with....

I had a very bad couple of years in my 20s when I was more than thinking about it, and now, when the thoughts occasionally return in stressful periods I see how far I've survived, and along with the welfare of my loved ones - family, friends and pets - in mind, I decide to stick it out longer and fill this natural lifespan.

:hug:

DemEx

[undergroundpanther]

8. I don't do it

Because I cannot, will not abandon my cats. They love me.Even when it feels like the world hates me, they care and they SHOW it too.They accept me and because of their precious hearts I cannot betray them by abandoning them I know my folks would not love them,they'd go to the shelter and be murdered. I cannot let the blood of three prefect souls as my cats are be on my hands.I could not stand causing that..

Second reason is I have tried before it is surprisingly hard to kill your own body in a way you are sure will work, every time, no matter how well you plan it something fucks up. I ended up hurting my body and I have figured if I try again it might just make everything worse than it is now..It's not my bodies fault my life hurts.

That is why I don't do it.
However my mind turns to it often.

[CoffeeCat]

9. My therapist said this...

...he said that thoughts of suicide are normal when people
are going through really tough times. He said that
fantasizing about suicide is sometimes therapeutic--like a
release--because it allows you to think about being pain free.

So, maybe-- these thoughts are your mind taking a break and getting a
temporary vacation from some really tough stuff that you are
processing.

So, it's ok to ponder the pain disappearing. However, it's not
ok to act on it--because you can and will work through your
stuff.

I remember having days where I just prayed that a bus would hit me.

Time has passed and things are much better. Just stick with therapy
and be very committed to working through your pain. It really sucks
and it be scary, sad and debilitating. However, emotions moving through
you won't destroy you.

You WILL work through this stuff. I've been there.

[schmuls]

10. I may sound like a complete asshole here, but is the thought of

what it would mean to family and friends really a good enough reason to not kill yourself? After all, I am the one that has to spend the rest of my life suffering, not them. I believe that the reason people suffer after a loved one commits suicide is that they feel so guilty. Now the person who said that they don't do it because of their cats has a point...I have 3 cats of my own, and they are completely innocent. Only I can know for sure that they are o.k. - if I live to take care of them. I can't trust that anyone I know would give them the life they deserve. As to therapy or meds, yes, I have been in therapy and meds and the whole bit for literally decades. The last time on was on the med/therapy things, they misdiagnosed me as having manic depression, and the stuff they gave me had me flying so high, I went to Europe, got engaged to a man I just met, squandered the money of my boyfriend (21 years) and myself. Then I went cold turkey and went crashing down. My partner died one year ago yesterday and I can't begin to tell you how guilty I feel about what I put him through. He had his own faults but he didn't deserve to be treated that way. And now, to deal with the guilt, I just squandered a bunch of more money, after getting back on track, and made a fool out of myself with this one man. I just do not see things getting any better, and I will not go back on drugs. I haven't told anyone how depressed I am because I would just be forced into something I do not want to do. I feel like such an imposter...my partner's sister and mother in law took me out to lunch, as it was the first year annniversary of my partner's death. They would be absolutely appalled to know that underneath it all I wish I was dead. Sorry for the long rant...I needed to tell someone this.

[EFerrari]

11. You don't sound like an asshole to me, you sound to me like

someone who is depressed.

Last Christmas I had to "happy face" for my nieces and it was sort of excruciating. And I had those feelings of being an imposter, of being an asshole because I couldn't really care about these beautiful children, the whole nine yards. I never told my relatives how bad it got because I didn't want to scare them but now I wonder if they didn't feel it anyway. And if they didn't just hang in there with me in a quiet way while I moved through that.

So, if they were willing to do that, then I suppose I'm willling to keep putting one foot in front of another.

All I know is, sometimes "faking it" is just exhausting but sometimes it actually makes me feel better to act oppositely to how I feel. :shrug:

I'm glad you're posting, schmuls.

[mopinko]

12. i was very moved by hearing kurt vonneget talk

about his mother's suicide. it shaped his life. i think he understood why she did it. but it shaped him nonetheless.
it's not so much- hold on for them. it's more knowing that your act will trigger an avalanche that may well bury people that you care for. especially kids.

i know someone who would rather be dead, but has an obnoxious parrot that she knows no one wants. i think that that bird is just her excuse to keep living, tho. a little lie she tells herself every day to get out of bed.

[DemExpat]

13. That's exactly right imo, mopinko.

it's not so much- hold on for them. it's more knowing that your act will trigger an avalanche that may well bury people that you care for. especially kids.
I used to think that I would only have this supreme reason to carry on while my kids were still dependent on me, but now that they are out on their own I know that my presence is still vital to them.

i know someone who would rather be dead, but has an obnoxious parrot that she knows no one wants. i think that that bird is just her excuse to keep living, tho. a little lie she tells herself every day to get out of bed.

Pets keep me going too, definitely, but this makes me smile, for that parrot will probably outlive her anyway....

DemEx

[mopinko]

14. absolutely that parrot will.

and she know that i would take him. but sometimes you just need a little talisman to hang on to.

[EFerrari]

15. One is irreverently reminded of that scene in "Crimes of the Heart"

where the mom thoughtfully hung her cat so he wouldn't be left alone when she ended her own life.

These eight guys keep me moving every day. Really, they should get a medal or something. I grouse and cuss and they just keep on doing what they're doing :)

Sometimes I get really mad at Doug for just waltzing out on them, too. But try to remember, he probably didn't have a lot of choice in the matter and we still don't know what the next chapter is.

Btw, I just renewed my driver's license for the first time in 7 years. It feels really, really, really good.

[DemExpat]

16. Animals are SO into the moment, this alone helps me no end.....

when I find myself starting to zone out, it only takes a happy, anticipative young dog wanting to go out for a walk to show me what REALLY MATTERS......:D:D:D

Congrats, Beth on getting your license renewed, these are little "big" things!

:thumbsup: :hug:

DemEx

[DemExpat]

17. If meds don't appeal at this time, go for the supportive therapy....

it sounds like you have had a heavy load lately.

Peace for you....

:hug:

DemEx

[undergroundpanther]

24. suicide

If I had a nickle every time I hid the truth from my family...

Every birthday as in my own birthday, I get very suicidal. I think I posted about it here on the forum,.

Oh yeah, I do what you do, I eat my damn cake, smile for the camera, open presents and when they are all gone home, I cry and cry, pound some walls,..I sit and try to will my heart to stop beating, I pace around and around this empty house with trance music blasting asking why, why...I sit on the bathroom toilet and read house cleaning product ingredient labels and make a list , than I google chemistry sites on the web to see what kind of toxicity it has or if it will just make me sicker,I count my pills hoping there is enough,or that they'd do anything at all. or I sharpen my carving blades and make nicks. I am really messed up on my birthday, yet no one in my family knows their happy happy joy joy party had no effect on how I really feel.They'd probably be appalled to know the truth. I never wanted to be born.I am not thankful for this life in this prison.A birthday to me is making another line on the wall. to mark my days in hell.Death is my chance to get out or get parole.It will come for me whether I hurry it up or not.And that gives me hope.Death takes all there is no eternal life.

But I don't DO it because I refuse to abandon my cats.My pride is my real family. Humans just don't muster up enough love inside me to stick around here like my cats do.

There was too much abuse in my house, my human family just don't mean all that much sometimes to me.I know they'd be appalled to hear that too.

You aren't the only one ok? I hope that is a small comfort at least.

[Forkboy]

18. I think about it daily

And refuse to believe it's not a valid option.It's the one answer that I guarantee will stop the pain,and the idea of an endless,dreamless sleep is soooooo inviting that I can almost taste it.It's so tempting that it's hard to see why other's consider suicide a negative,or my favorite,selfish (selfish are those who expect you to live miserably so they don't get their feelings hurt.)

There's one person (a DUer even) that has kept me from actually doing it.I've rationalized away the pain it would cause my family,but I can't bring myself to hurt this one person.I almost resent her for caring....almost. :)

I wish I could give you some happy platitudes about it all getting better,blah blah blah,but in my case it hasn't,and I'm not going to try to bullshit anyone with something I wouldn't buy myself.I do hope you can find some solid ground to stand upon.That seems about the best we can hope for.

[EFerrari]

21. But, it's not an "endless, dreamless sleep".

Isn't that an idealization?

The truth is there is no waking up should you change your mind. That's it. You become furniture for bugs.

For my part, anyway, on most days, I can't make a decision like that with any confidence that the day or the moment or my mood or my impulse isn't in the driver's seat.

peace, Forkboy.

[ninkasi]

19. It's been on my mind a lot lately

I suffer from a condition which causes chronic pain. It's harder and harder to walk, and to stay on my feet any length of time. My father's youngest brother, a brother 3 years younger than me, and a cousin on my father's side of the family all ended their own lives.

What's tearing me up right now, is that a good friend of ours found out about 6 weeks ago that he has terminal brain cancer. Why can't I trade our lives? He enjoyed his, until now. His wife is fighting for him so bravely, and trying to keep him going to his radiation and chemo visits, and keep her job, and their home, and is mentally and physically exhausted.

Our health care system in this country sucks. I have 3 grown children, a step-daughter, and four grandchildren, but see them seldom. My husband has us in a form of isolation, and is completely dependent on me. If I died, he could survive until he is able to get SS. I love my family, they are everything to me, but I am alone, and feel myself caring less and less every day about keeping on.

None of you know me, so I can say this. I can't tell the ones I love, because they do depend on me when they need to unburden themselves, or need a bit of support. There should be some kind of soul, or life exchange, where those who are desperate to keep theirs can trade with those who are merely marking time.

[EFerrari]

20. . . .

:hug:

[ninkasi]

22. Thank you

I've read about what you're going through, and want to send you this in return...:hug: You have a deep inner strength which shows in your posts. You have a great deal to contribute to those who love you, and to us here. I know you're going to get through your problems. It's hard in a way for people like you, sometimes, because others count on you as being strong, and sometimes you just don't want to be strong. Be good to yourself, cuz you deserve it.

[EFerrari]

23. Let's do what we can today. That's enough for one day.

That's what I think every morning when things seem to pile up or at night when I get racing worries.

Let's just do what we can. :)

[Lorien]

25. Wow. I can really relate to your post

My neighbor three doors down has terminal cancer. She has a steady stream of visitors coming to visit her, and some of them have invited me to come and pay her a visit as well. I just can't because I'm so bitter that there ISN'T some way of exchanging lives. She obviously has many, many people to live for. I have my dad (who is also probably suicidal) and two or three friends...but that's it. No family of my own to speak of. I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, and I have to support myself as a freelance artist. I'm exhausted to my core every day and think of death as a long deserved rest, so it's very tempting. I've always been an agnostic, but the unfairness of taking away a happy life and leaving those of us who are just marking time to continue marking time nearly turns me into an atheist.

Here's a :hug: from someone who truly understands.

[hippiechick]

26. ... same here.

:(

[SPKrazy]

27. Hey friend

it scares me sometimes too

it wasn't that long ago I was eyeballing the door jam at the top of my office door and fashioning a noose to see how that would work.

that freaked me out because i hadn't thought so strongly about anything like that for a loooooong time.

it did snap me back to a sense of reality because i found myself with my head in this noose and looking around for how to rig it.

i even had typed a note.

in fact it freaked me out badly enough that i talked to someone about it and the feeling passed. I haven't felt that way since.

but in the corner of the recesses of my brain there lies the thought waiting to pounce.

like listening to a song one day, i became obsessed with the idea that swimming out in the ocean to a point where i'd be too far to swim back and then just letting a wave take me.... you get the picture.

so i think that for me telling someone about it takes the power out of the thought.

it is still a scary and dangerous way to think.

i hope that you have professional help and a good support system around.

take care

:hug:

[crim son]

28. I tried it twice last summer

in despair beyond thought. Long, horrific story short, I won't be doing that again. I've never felt the sort of regret I did as I lay on my bed trying to puke up the pills and hearing the voices of my children playing in the yard outside.

Since that time, the second time, I've had thoughts but I turn away from them. Death is final, not just for you but for everybody who knows you and loves you.

[FuzzySlippers]

29. Oh, I so know how you feel.

I've just been diagnosed with breast cancer. It's stage 1 and probably has a good prognosis, but still there's a lot of icky treatment ahead and I think, what's the point? I've been depressed for years and years, and I didn't feel like I had much of a future before this.

[MinneapolisMatt]

30. Hey Fuzzy

Hang in there Fuzzy. You'll be glad you did once you've beaten the cancer.
xoxox Matt :)

[FuzzySlippers]

31. Thanks Matt.

:hug: