Damn

[undergroundpanther]

Today I was at home like usual.
My roommate and I cooked dinner on the grill.It turned out good,But than again I am good on a grill,I am teaching him how to cook on a grill.
But here it is 4:21 am(I don't sleep at night)Roommate is in bed. He's gonna be out of here in an hour or so to go to work,on the boom truck.

For today depression was creeping into me.Like a foul dark fog.
my joints ache.My head is achy I just want to curl up.

Now I am feeling suicidal pangs. Not strong ones where you are making a plan or whatever,just the repetitive intrusive thoughts that come and go, where it's almost like an enchantment that isn't enchanting at all.

sigh.Will this shitty emotion ever go away and leave me alone.
I hate my life.I can't figure out how to fix it, fill it up, or make it mean something.Make it fulfilled,especially living here. I wish I could go into a coma until my housing situation got better.It's so isolated out here.Sprawl kills me on the inside out.This is a nice house but it is empty and lonely and a cage.

I wish the economy was not such a tyrant If I had another roommate would they be able to be around instead of working all the time? I dunno.I feel like work would be too much stress I cannot depend on a bully or some boss that intimidates for my sustenance it would drive me up a wall.Yet being here alone just hurts. Life just sucks.I wish there were more options besides work, there is nothing I can do here,everything is far away.I can't walk all that way and the shitty bus shuts down at 5 pm.Everything social here begins after work after the bus is shut down.Meeting friends is very difficult. I wish I was not here.

How long will I have to lump it? I have no clue. It feels like a jail sentence with no discernible end ,like living in a huge quiet room all the time,except I got TV the web and my cats and it is slowly driving me into despair again. There is talk, always the talk of maybes and sometime later we'll look for something,for you..those vague half made promises that really promise nothing, because it's not about helping me ,my mom says this false hope just because she can't handle the fact I am suffering out here.I wish she'd say yes and commit to helping me or say no she won't help or say nothing about helping me get out of here. I hate her self serving false hopes she speaks to me knowing damn well she isn't going to do a damn thing. They hurt because I know I am stuck in this trap this place this unhappy life and I can't fix it..

I hope my life isn't too long.Because if this is what my life is going to be I dunno how long I can take it this way.Mom just does not get it that emotionally I am dying in this house,all alone day after day.I see my roommate maybe an hour or two a few times a week.And she wonders why I have nothing to talk about. Well it's because my life is empty how does one talk about the pulse pounding excitement of nothingness and the intrigues of a life spent in isolation? What do you do when you wake up triggered by the deafening silence of an empty house that feels like a tomb?

[hunter]

1. I'm so sorry you are down.

:hug:

[EFerrari]

2. I've felt the way you describe, on and off, mostly on, since last summer.

Minus the human roommate or the mom and plus seven furry & hairy roommates. They're always here but the downside is that sometimes they seem to need more than I can fork over. :(

The only times I feel free of this cR@P! is when I'm in deep sleep, or painting or reading DU. Sometimes, when I walk with Kid it's possible to get out of my own head. I try to reach out to friends and family every day; some days it's more possible than other days.

I keep trying to put structure in the day: "I'll write for an hour, work on the taxes for an hour, walk at 10 and 7 and . . .". It always feels calming to do that. Somedays, my list is as far as I get.

Much love to you, UGP :hug:

[bling bling]

4. "get out of my own head...."

Yeah. I know what you mean. Being at home a lot makes that worse for me I've noticed (I stay home with my daughter). I don't have much to distract me and I can just think and think and think and that's like the worst possible thing for me. Like you, I've definitely noticed that when I get out (and get out of my head) it helps a lot. I'm like the opposite of most people. Most people need to escape from reality. I think reality is actually an escape for me, in a bizarre way. The more I get out of my head the better.

And the list thing....you couldn't possibly be worse than me. I have perfected the art of list making for it's own sake.

[hashibabba]

3. Are hugs allowed on this board?

<[[[[[[[[undergroundpanther>]]]]]]]]

I wish I could help you. I've been there and I just dread ever having to be there again. My thoughts are with you.

[undergroundpanther]

5. Thanks y'all

Sigh... I dunno what to do.
Maybe eat something..I can't remember if I ate today..
Ya know it gets that bad here sometimes forgetting if you ate, brushed yer teeth ect.. Every day in here merges into the same very very long endless soul numbing day.Ask me what day it is and I gotta lookit up, ask me the time I have no clue.Shit Sometimes even though I can see on the computer toolbar it's july 11, I feel like it's november or march,Time runs fast slow backwards,sometimes I cannot tell if it is early morning or evening.if it's twilight out...I'm glad I am dissociative because if I (I am one of many inside here) had to be present for all these hours dragging by I would have offed myself much sooner.

[MassLiberal]

6. I'm sorry you're struggling

Would it help you, do you think, to go talk to someone?

[undergroundpanther]

7. Who?

That's the problem.Nobody to talk to.
I got therapy coming up.But that's an hour a week. hardly a social life.