is it me, or just all the crap in my life?

[anarch]

I would seek therapy, but I have just enough insurance to disqualify for any and all public assistance programs, but not enough to pay for much of anything. And no money. Always the goddamn money! I can't afford to both pay the bills and eat, let alone shell out extra for mental health care. My girlfriend has started working again, a little bit, but she has health issues of her own (including, so I hear, possibly some kind of cancer) and no insurance, which makes it difficult for her to work, and for me to pay for her doctor visits and meds. The public assistance stuff does cover her, sort of, but from what I can tell it pretty much sucks...and doesn't even nearly cover all the medication. The last time I went to the oncologist with her, we were told that all the tests were so far inconclusive, but now they are saying the results are "serious" and wondering why she hasn't been in for her follow-up appointment. It was because she was in the hospital, for various things, but she was eventually told there was "nothing wrong with her" and sent home. "Nothing wrong with her", but she can barely function and throws up constantly. And she's got severe depression, possibly bi-polar disorder, to cap things off.

I don't expect anyone to read all this, I just don't have anyone to talk to and needed to rant. So, since I'm ranting, I'll add that all my closest friends and associates have moved to other cities in the past couple of months, leaving me feeling pretty much abandoned and hopeless...I was never much of a talker anyway, but before I could at least have some sympathetic companionship now and then.

All I want to do right now is drink myself into oblivion, but I don't have any money to buy booze.

So, how long does this stuff go on before it's chronic depression, and not just a response to the shittiness all around me?

[bling bling]

1. I don't think it's necessarily one OR the other.

It can be both. The crap in one's life can (and usually does) trigger depression.

It always seems to happen gradually for me, then the next thing I know I'm "in" it. Hard to quantify or qualify it, though there does seem to be somewhat of a pattern for me. I usually notice certain symptoms first such as concentration and focus problems. Then irritability. More like anger. Then things I used to do all the time seem like a huge deal and I feel overwhelmed by the day-to-day stuff I need to do. I get tired more easily at small tasks. Then the energy and motivation start to just drain away altogether. Then I'm "in" it, like I said.

I'd have to look it up to be sure but I think it's usually considered clinical depression if the depressed mood lasts longer than 2 weeks.

[undergroundpanther]

2. Well I know care taking can burn you out

If she is throwing up all the time certainly that can be hard to deal with.And I know it probably puts a damper on the good parts of a relationship like going out,or other things sometimes too.
Maybe if you felt she would be ok on her own for an hour or so, to de stress,

Maybe go to something stupid ,like a computer class,or a book club,a philosophy group,,a local democrat meeting,a poetry group or chess club,anything you might be remotely interested in that's not related to cancer ,health issues or care taking ,easy to get to and cheap or better yet free that could be a distracting relaxing thing to get yourself a break from being in the thick of all this bad shit.Even if it's an hour a week without having to be there waiting for the next 'episode' it can make a big difference in how you cope in a caretaker type of situation.
As for depression, I'd be depressed as shit if someone I loved was that sick and help was so costly and it might be cancer.It's normal to feel bad when someone you love is that sick.I'd be scared shit-less for her,myself ..And not just scared because I'm emetiphobic.

just my 2cents on it.