So, I forced myself to email a friend to find out how Doug is doing.

[EFerrari]

And it's a mutual friend that I trust, a gentle, generous grown up. :)

He said Doug was working on his show and seems to be doing okay. It was a big relief to hear that, so I'm glad to have asked the question.

There are things Doug goes through that no one knows or sees. Heck, when we first started dating, he was homeless and I didn't even know and I doubt anyone else did either. :shrug:

So, it was good to hear he's has a routine that is working for him. Thanks, Something.

[TZ]

1. Its good you did that..one less worry I suppose

I really understand the not wanting to know thing....I did that for a loooong time with my sister. As in I have known for ages that she needed help but I just couldn't bring myself to hear details.
One thing about mentally ill people I seem to be finding out..they can be so very secretive, so not knowing Doug was homeless when you first met doesn't particularly surprise me. Me and my family are just now finding out about some of my sisters "secrets" (I found out yesterday that she has been "disappearing" quite a bit actually).

BTW- I have been meaning to say to you (and the others here as well) you have been a true blessing to me going helping me through my personal hell of late. I spend more time here now than almost anywhere else on DU.:yourock:

[hunter]

2. You know what's weird is it doesn't feel like "secretive..."

It didn't to me, anyways. It was like breathing, I didn't think about it much even though I was living out of my decrepit car, a P.O. Box, and a university gym locker. I suppose I was a feral person of some sort -- I was reasonably amicable and good natured, I showered in the gym every day after running some great distance, and people generally looked out for me, even the local police.

Whenever I had someplace to live I would drive my housemates crazy because I'd simply disappear. Sometimes I'd remember the rent, sadly, sometimes not... If I thought I needed to be somewhere else I'd just go without bothering to tell anyone, but I didn't think I was being "secretive."

I'm probably lucky I never started using drugs or alcohol to control my moods, but it wasn't because I had any great self-control, it was simply that drugs and alcohol interfered with my obsessions.

It was all stupid luck for me; there are lots of people who don't get the support they need because their mental illness is not the sort others can be comfortable with. My grandma, for example, drank and refused to bathe. If she hadn't had the support of her family she'd have been a shopping cart lady standing on the corner telling long, disjointed stories to anyone who'd listen. And she was very secretive about her drinking. Even when she was in the hospital she'd figure out ways to get alcohol -- she could instantly spot a fellow drunk, a hospital roomie's visitor perhaps, and cajole them (usually with money) to bring her alcohol. But I don't doubt that she sometimes got the hospital staff to bring her alcohol too, because she was utterly impossible to deal with when she was sober.

The very basic problem here is that being secretive is a survival mechanism in a society that doesn't cope well with mental illness.

[EFerrari]

3. The only time Dougala was actually secretive was when the paranoia

messed with him. Then he'd do his best to protect himself from the perceived threat -- and that makes perfect sense to me. He could be there for days without me knowing because he's got great acting skills.

The homeless thing is sort of different. He had a lot of shame over that because shaming him was how his father showed his love. :grr:

So, he still maintains at times that he was never homeless. Or, that he never slept outside. Or, all kinds of things that need to be true in order to stave off that awful guilt and shame.

I wish his father were still alive so I could kick his tush!

Doug deserves all the credit in the world for surfing his own chemistry, his messed up parents and the rest of us that didn't understand squat for so many years. No matter how mad I get at him or whatever, that's the thought that keeps coming back to me. I don't know, honestly, if I could have compensated as well as he did and does. :shrug: