Will my abuser always win? Will he always...

[CoffeeCat]

...come out smelling like a rose? Will he always be successful at manipulating
situations so that I look like a crazed, lying fool?

I am so heartsick and angry right now.

My grandmother on my mother's side died. This was a grandma that was special to me when
I was little, despite my father's attempts at isolating me from her and every other
relative. He would make fun of her and he had a derogatory nickname for her. When
he would insult me, he would often tell me I was just like her.

Did I mention that my father molested me and allowed his best friend to molest me as well?

I haven't spoken to my father in five years, since I cut him off. My other grandmother
called me the other night and said, "I have a message from your father." I've told this
grandmother NUMEROUS times not to mention my father's name. Now, it feels like she's destroying the
boundary that I have created to protect me from my father. She told me that he wanted me to know
that my grandmother wasn't doing well and that it was too bad I didn't communicate with
the family any more.

My grandmother died the next day.

My grandmother called me again, to tell me--from my father--that she died. I don't want to
get message from him!! I have PTSD and I feel that the distance I got from him has just
been shattered.

Now...I sit knowing that I cannot attend the funeral. My father will be there. His lifelong
friend, who also molested me will be there. All of the family members, who believe that I
lied when I revealed that my father sexually abused me, will be there. He has made it impossible
for me to be around the family or to have any relationships because he has thrown me under
the bus---and positioned me as a crazy, vengeful, misguided idiot who is telling lies about
abuse.

So, once again--he wins. He gets to attend the funeral of my grandmother--a woman that he couldn't
make fun of enough. Meanwhile, he gets to tell everyone who notices that I'm not there how
utterly crazy and thoughtless I am for skipping my own grandmother's funeral. I can hear it all
now, "We told her she died. She knows. She didn't show up. It's just so sad...isn't it?". He molests
me, lies about it and convinces everyone that I am a pariah. He's orchestrations the bastardization
of me--and now he's feeding me information about attending family funerals?

I'm just really sick of his evil and of feeling like it always wins in the end--while I have
lost everything just because I had the courage to tell the truth.

Sorry for the long rant. I'm having a tough time. Thank you for listening.

[Larissa238]

1. .....

:hug: :cry: :cry: :cry: :hug:

I cannot express the sympathy I have for you, and I wish that I could say that I couldn't relate. I don't deal with what happened to me. I know if I told my family they would react the same way and say that I'm lying. They did the same to my sister when she came out with her "revelation".

That being said, I can say that you have made the right decision. They might say things, but what should they matter to you? Just because they say something does not make it true. You should never have to choose between feeling safe and your loved ones. For them to make you choose shows you confirms that they have not changed. Imagine if you would have gone: You would be crying (and not just from grief), you would feel isolated, and you would fall apart. I love my grandmother. She holds our family together. But if I had to choose to attend her funeral if she died and person X was going to be there, I would not go. It would not be worth it.

And know that your grandmother understands.

:hug:

[CoffeeCat]

3. Thank you....

for your kind words Larissa, and I'm sorry about what happened to you in your family. It's very
difficult, isn't it?

You are right...it really doesn't matter what they think or say. I'm working on "knowing" that.
It's just very hard to know that your own family of origin--including your siblings--believe
that you are scum. I know they are all damaged and affected severely by growing up in our
household.

Do you still have contact with your sister--the one who cam out with her "revelation"? It was helpful
to read about your feelings, as a family member with a sister who told--like I did. It's possible that
my sisters are not telling, because they have the same fears that you do. Maybe I'm assuming a great
deal of spite and disbelief for me--when it really might be fear of our abuser.

I wish you the best of luck with your own situation. No matter how we deal with the messes that abusers
make, it is not easy. There is always tremendous opportunity for growth, and I wish that for all of us.

I really appreciate you sharing your stuff, and for responding. I'm a firm believer in survivors
helping each other and supporting each other. It's so important, because so many don't understand,
but we do.

:hug: :hug:

[Larissa238]

7. I do still talk with my sister...

and I believe that she was honestly hurt by her abuser. The conflicting part is that from her descriptions, it could just have been her misunderstanding some of his actions. It was never "He grabbed me.." or that, it was "He brushed against me..". Because of that, and having lived with the person for a long time, I am still close with him. I want him to walk me down the aisle when I get married, and I would love for my sister to be my maid of honor. But, because of the history of those two, I would never force my sister to be in a wedding where she didn't feel safe. So my current thoughts (and the way my relationship with my fiance are) is to have 2 receptions, and have the two of them far apart (Florida and California). This way I can invite my sister to come see me here, in Florida now, and then have the reception in California with the man she is scared of. Or the other way around. My mom thinks I should just have one, and invite my sister and if she doesn't come, then she doesn't, but there is no way I would force my sister to choose. Let's just say I did force her to be my maid of honor in my wedding, and be walked down the aisle by the guy. I would be distracted and want to comfort my sister who is crying because of a panic attack. That's not fair to me, and it's not fair to her. Which is why I'm sure your grandmother will understand you not going. You don't want to put someone in place where they don't feel safe.

:hug:

[CoffeeCat]

10. Larissa,

I appreciate you responding and I wish you the best with your own situation
and your sister. I think you have some good ideas about having different receptions.
It sounds like that might be the best thing.

You obviously care about your sister--even if you aren't clear on what happened between
her and her abuser. Maybe she's not even clear on what happened. I know that as I have
healed and remembered more--my story has changed. I haven't contradicted myself, but additional
information has come to light about my abuse/abusers and I have shared this with the family as
I process all of this.

My sisters have all abandoned me. Not one phone call since I called our father and demanded
an apology from him. So, I think it's very supportive of you--to keep your sister in your life
and to be considerate of her feelings. That's really great. Even if you aren't clear on her
entire past, you're still there for her and that's just really a nice thing to hear. :)

Also, my grandmother (my dad's mom) does not know why I am NOT going to the funeral for my
other grandmother who died--because I have never told her why I stay away from my parents. My abuser
was my father--my grandmother's son. It would break her heart, so I don't tell her. I doubt that she
would believe me. She believes that my father is a wonderful person. My father has no morals or
shame--so he doesn't tell her why I haven't spoken to him in 5 years. He allows her to think the
worst about me, while protecting his secrets. So actually, she's probably going to be perplexed by my
absence at the funeral. Just one more tentacle on the dysfunctional octopus that is my family of origin...

Onward and upward though...

[DemExpat]

2. No, he never wins.

As long as he doesn't own up to what he did and its effect on you he will never ever truly win at being a decent human being.
I think you are wisest to keep a strict boundary and distance from him until, if ever, you feel you don't need it for protection.
Your grandmother knows you love her, and the others and what they think and say to each other do not matter....... at all.
I can only imagine your grief and stress in this horrible situation. You have it in your power to protect yourself from this, TwoSparkles.
Sorry to hear of your loss of your dear Grandma.

:hug: :grouphug:

DemEx

[CoffeeCat]

4. DemExpat...

You always say the best stuff! I'm always comforted by your responses to other
people, because what you say makes so much sense, so thanks for your kind response.

Like and you both said, "what they think and say to each other do not matter". I need
to really let that sink in. It's so simple and so obvious. However, when I get triggered
like this (I'm really nutty right now), I feel like I am back in my childhood home--where
everyone hates me, thinks I'm horrible--and my parents are the victims of me--their woefully
inept daughter. I intellectually understand how wrong that is. It's totally untrue, but when
those messages have been ground into your neurons since birth--it's hard.

Thank you for empathizing and for your kind words about the loss of my grandmother.

I have unplugged our answering machine, and I am not answering the phone at all this weekend,
to protect myself and take a bit of control. I can *69 and return the calls that I want.

I appreciate you DemExpat and your wisdom on DU. Thank you for responding and for being here.

[hedgehog]

5. Is there a special place you can go to during the funeral?

Would it comfort you to go to a beautiful place like a garden to sit and think and say good bye to your grandmother? I wish I could help you with all the rest you've got going on, but you might feel better if you have your chance to say goodbye.

[CoffeeCat]

8. Good idea hedgehog...

I also thought it would be comforting to have my own time to honor my
grandmother. I wrote an essay about some memories of a camping trip
with her. It made me remember those times, like they were yesterday--and
say good-bye.

I do feel better too.

Thanks for your kind words. :)

[varkam]

6. That is a very difficult situation.

I wish that I had any words of wisdom for you - something that I could write that might make this time easier on you, but I'm not a particularly wise man, unfortunately.

I do know that from personal experience sometimes you can't help what other people think of you - even your own family. Would that it weren't so, but hopefully if you can accept that then it might take some of the sting out of it for you so that you can focus on what you need to do for yourself in order to be healthy.

I'm sorry I can't offer more.

[CoffeeCat]

9. Thanks varkam...

Hey, you sound pretty wise to me...

It's been very nice just listening to what you and others on the board have to say.

Sometimes it's just enough when someone responds and lets you know that they're
concerned.

Thanks for your nice response, and for reminding me that I can't worry about what others think--especially
people who are outrageously dysfunctional. I need to remind myself that I am making choices that
are about keeping me safe and healthy--and sometimes those can be painful choices. Thanks for helping me
to see that.

Yer wiser than you think! ;) :)

[varkam]

11. I wish I could offer more.

Not worrying about what other people think, especially people that you are close to in some way, is much easier said than done. What I've found that helps me is reminding myself that often the people hardest to love are the ones that need it the most. When I feel slighted, I try to send some positive thoughts in that persons direction. It helps me with resentment issues, and constantly reminds me of what I can and cannot control. It sure isn't easy though - I'm sure I screw it up more than I do it right.

And you said it - above all you need to worry about you and what you need to do to be happy. At the end of the day, that's what really counts.

Take care :hi:

[DemExpat]

12. I am printing out these words of yours, Varkam,

What I've found that helps me is reminding myself that often the people hardest to love are the ones that need it the most. When I feel slighted, I try to send some positive thoughts in that persons direction. It helps me with resentment issues

I can use this wisdom in relationship problems and tensions with my husband.

Thanks! :hi:

DemEx

[Lorien]

13. I'm so sorry TwoSparkles

I know what incest and molestation can do to families. My mother and her sister were both molested by their father. Their brother still doesn't want to believe it and barely communicates with them.

If missing it is really going to trouble you , is there a very close friend or two who could accompany you to the funeral? I have family members who have said tried to discredit me as well and I've had to ignore them at funerals, but the situation wasn't as awful as yours. I went to the funerals alone, but I always felt that if I had had a strong ally at my side I would have felt better about it. If you just attended the service with a friend then left you might get the closure you need without any ugly confrontations.

:hug:

[noonwitch]

14. Can you go to visitation at the funeral when you know he won't be there?

Just a thought, so you can say goodbye to your grandma.