Does anyone know anything about repressed memories?

[CoffeeCat]

I'm wondering if anyone else has ever recovered a traumatic memory?

I know repressed memories are a controversial issue, but I repressed traumatic abuse from my childhood and I began remembering (for the first time) when I hit about 35. I started having flashbacks--before I even knew what a flashback was.

I was fortunate, in that one of my repressed memories included a family member--who verified the memory and gave me additional information.

I'm wondering if anyone has experienced delayed recall of abuse or traumatic childhood events? I know that is an intensely personal question, but my belief is that should support one another if they feel comfortable doing so.

I'm finding the process of remembering to be a very slow, painful process.

[Droopy]

1. I don't know a lot about them but I think they are possible

I know someone who was molested when she was 6 and repressed it until she was 22. I don't know what triggered the memory, but she had a hell of a time dealing with it. She was molested by her grandfather who was still alive when she remembered what had happened. She wanted to kill him.

[undergroundpanther]

2. Repressed

I have had bad memories that I remember clearly and some that"cut off" at "critical moments",and I could remember it up to that point and you can infer what happened by the memories around it.
I was 15 when the memories began to come back full force it seemed against my will.If I think on it seems I always remembered these incidents I just denied it very strongly to the point I could say I repressed some of them on the surface,but some I am not so sure.,The things in my memory that I can't recall,as of now are the face of my neighbor,or his wife(molestors).Once I remembered the face of the creep. It appeared in a semi dream state one day as I was taking a nap, it just bubbled up and I felt this dread panic and rage but I was half asleep and it felt like a waking nightmare,when I woke up the memory was gone..I have since forgotten the face again.

Memory is a curious thing,it's like a hologram. It appears trauma memories are stored in another area of the brain than the normal memories go to and that trauma actually burns the brain and scars it.
http://mysite.verizon.net/res0im1v/donettesteelepsychology/id31.html

[AutumnMist]

3. Memories

can be a slow and painful process. You have to take into account the years that you have lived and then the time that it takes to be mature/able to process past abuses. I knew I was abused. I had a general idea when it started...but the specifics were often blurry for me. When I was 21 or so the memories started flooding my day to day life. I talked to anyone and everyone that was in my immediate circle of family when those memories were triggered. I knew it happened. My abuser actually wrote me a letter admitting what he had done after I confronted him about the abuse. It was freeing to me. Stay strong...keep working through what you feel. And most of all, I have been there. If you need to talk or you need to vent...find me. I will be more than willing to listen. I honestly understand.

[CoffeeCat]

4. Thanks for the kind words...

Thanks everyone for sharing some of your own stuff.

It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Yes, this can be very painful stuff. I told my therapist that recovering memories is like "emotional chemotherapy"--you have to go to some really scary places before you can be healthy again.

AutumnMist, thanks for your insight. I began recovering memories when I was 36. It's been almost 4 years of therapy and everything is still coming very slowly. I guess I'm just really sick of all of this. I appreciate your kind words. It sounds like you're doing very well now. I'm so glad your abuser owned up to the abuse. That must have been very healing for you. You deserved that validation and I'm glad you got it.

Undergroundpanther--I experienced many of the same things you did. I have "beginning" and "end" memories--but the middle of it was completely blank. That "semi-dream" state that you described is what my therapist called, "twilight sleep." She mentioned that powerful stuff from the subconscious can arise from that state of consciousness. I've had dreams that I know were flashbacks. I also understand heavy denial. I was in SUCH denial. My family required denial. We were supposed to look, act and appear perfect, so I compartmentalized the abuse and barely questioned our family's very-dysfunctional system--until I got out and cut them all off. Now, I can't even believe I put up with it for one minute. I guess our minds are very kind to us. They allow us to shut out what we cannot handle--until we are safe and strong.

I sometimes wish there was a magical doctor, who could open up my head, extract my memories and tell me exactly what happened to me. This slow leak is really difficult.

My good days are better than ever, but I have sporadic bad days. And some weeks where I'm just terrible. My therapist taught me to view extreme sadness, rage, depression, etc as "memories". She said that feelings are also memories. So, when I'm feeling awful, I try to write or really settle into the feeling and ride it like a wave. If I tell myself...a part of my past that was buried is temporarily moving through me...it helps.

However, as I'm sure many of you can understand--those feelings can be very powerful and consuming. It's hard to avoid being swallowed up by those feelings.

I had three years of intense talk therapy, and in the past six months I've experienced a lull. I think my mind was taking a break. However, I think I'm sinking back into it again. It's terribly frightening. When I began felling better, I just knew that I wasn't done--or rather--that the past wasn't done with me yet.

I just wonder...how much does a person have to remember? At first, I wanted all of my memories. Now, I just want my life in peace. I'm not interesting in pressing charges or finding proof--as I was when I first began recovering memories. I just want peace. However, I feel like I'm not entirely steering the ship. My mind is giving me pieces of this, yet again.

Now, I'm just trying my best to process what my mind is giving me.

Tired.

Thanks so much for listening--and for offering up your own stories and experiences. I know there are hundreds of thousands of us survivors out there. I know I'm not alone. It's nice to connect with others who do understand this very complicated process.

[lins the liberal]

5. dissociated memories

I wanted to reply to this thread before, but just couldn't seem to get the energy or nerve to do it.

I started getting back memories of abuse at age 41. I had absolutely no memories of the abuse before this point. For the next 3 years the memories just flooded out. Then it slowed up. In the 7th year, I had only one memory and since then no more.

I confronted my perp (my father) early on. He denied everything. Joined the False Memory Syndrome org. Had an attorney write my therapist a letter threatening to sue her. He died this past year. The strange thing is that he had gone to the priest (Episcopal)and talked to her about it. He told her he had asked for my forgiveness and I would not give it, although he never made it clear to her exactly who he had abused...he was just clear on the fact I wouldn't forgive him. He never asked for forgiveness, never even admitted he did anything.

[CoffeeCat]

12. lins, I'm sorry about your father--similar experience here...

...our experiences with recovering from abuse are very similar.

I'm just so sorry, and I hope you are doing well now.

Like you, my memories came out around the age of 40. It's been three years since all of this started for me. Did you have a life event that triggered your memories? For me, it was the birth of my children. I had repressed so much--including feelings. I felt so much intense love for my children. I think my kids "uncorked" my mind. With the love also came the horrible feelings of the past. My mind just couldn't hold back anymore!

I also confronted my father. Like yours, mine denied everything. What I want to know is...do all perps read from the same handbook? When they are accused, they go into "drama" mode and they actively begin to build their lives around covering up what they did. How do these people even walk across the street, without their minds exploding? Their entire lives are built on a suffocating pile of lies. I'm just so sorry you did not get the validation you deserved.

The False Memory brigade enables pedophiles by feeding into their denial. My father never joined the FMS, but he put on quite a theatrical performance after I confronted. According to one of my siblings, he openly moped around the house, muttering "she ruined my life because of these horrible accusations." My parents sought the guidance of a priest--a priest who was my former high school principal! He adamantly denied, cried and put on quite the pity party for himself. He's convinced everyone around him that I am his disturbed daughter and he's the victim. I think he believes it too. This must be how these perps survive without going mad.

lins, I think what your father said to the priest is interesting. You said that he, "was clear on the fact that I wouldn't forgive him." I think that's very revealing. Perps stew for years about what they've done. Even if they're in denial--they know what they did. They mull things around in their head. It sounds like your father knew he did something bad that was unforgivable. When I confronted my father, even though he adamantly denied--his explanations and pat answers were CLEARLY clues to the rationalizations he spent his entire life building--to protect his mind from the horrors in which he engaged. It sounds like your father did know that he was guilty and that a part of him knew you wouldn't forgive him--because he couldn't forgive himself. I don't know if that fits for you--and I hope it's ok that I shared my opinion. I know this is sensitive stuff.

My father is still alive. I only confronted him a few years ago. I've had no contact since. I'd be lying if I said that I hope for an apology and for him to tell me what happened and why. However, I know it will never happen. I don't sit around waiting for it. I just long for it because I know that's what I deserve.

We all deserve that.

I hope you are doing well. You said you haven't had memories for a while. I hope the years of courageous memory-recovery work you did have helped you to find peace and healing. You are strong and you are an inspiration to someone like me, who is in process.

TS

[EFerrari]

6. I have a question, TS

Do you have a place to "put" the recovered memories when they occur?

I have only semi-repressed memories. In other words, I "forget" for long periods of time things that happened and then, something will remind me. In my case, my single mom suffered from alcoholism and she would become psychotic. I was 11, had a much younger brother, and I was the "adult" in the house for about six years.

So, my memories have always been more or less available to therapy. But, I was wondering, when you're flooded, do you have a journnal or a tape recorder or some "place" where the recovery can be put?

[jdots]

7. repressed memories may be our defence that isn't a defence.

high freepers & lurkers this will be too confusing for you so Bye Bye bye now.......had to get that out of the way...
We defend ourselves,we even defend and forgive people who abuse us.in the 80s when everybody got into coke,real eastate,crystal and pyramid new age do-do ism some people became therapists,maybe they liked the lingo or thought it would'nt be a hard manuel labor gig......As you remember this was the me me me years and everyone was searching for a reason why shit had gotten so plastic ( Reagan) and lame ( v.c.r.s ,cable t.v. yada yada ) Pop literature dealt with personalitys X 10, serial killers were big news and then came the Mc.Martin Trial of politics and media feeding frenzy fame.
At this time some 40 year old guys were figuring out that Father Porter raped them etc.... A shitty time to figure out you were abused too because of the frenzy of hype brought on by defence lawyers saying that therapists asked leading questions to get a clientele.......maybe yes maybe no,but all of a sudden everyone was a therapist,thats when radio and t.v. therapists got thier start.
so what does this have to do with the feelings we get around 30-50 that mom or dad did the the unspeakable horors to us ?
It has alot to do with feeling it may not be true and us living in a t.v. deam world..At 40 when my dad died my sister and I went and looked at a house we used to live in,both of started crying and it all came out,the whole story from both our perspectives
then the task of what to do. If you were abused physically,mentally,sexually,in any way it affects you in hidden defensive ways.What do you do with it ? go to a shrink and grovel around on the floor re-living the pain to figure it all out,say eveything is hunky doory and your childhood was wonderfull because you were'nt tied up by a satanic cult and forced to drink blood ? what ever it was,it was serious and it will hurt to deal with it logically because abuse isn't logical. i have learned to not be ashamed and talk about it,if someone can't deal with it find someone who can.A warning about abuse groups,sometimes they get competative and out of hand if the leader is a incompetent ding bat.They can become a negative rant off ,choose them wisely.Do Not be ashamed,one thing you can do to break the chains is to never abuse anyone else even if you feel like striking out,you will never be able to have that perfect childhood,but tomorrow can be better than today. Walk Tall and perservere.

[DemExpat]

9. ...........................

I think also that one can have repressed memories of long-term psychological and/or physical abuse and, from all of the media hype that you mention, people can "create" the sexual abuse because the image is in the consciousness from the media.

I nearly did this in my years of psychotherapy - I was also in group therapy with several sexual abuse victims - and I found myself 'wondering' if I had undergone this too - during weekend stays with Uncles and Aunts, for example.....

I felt so "groundless" as a child, it wasn't hard to be feeling certain feelings in therapy about how I felt with most grownups (scared, insecure, powerless, etc.) and then having images of sexual abuse arise in my mind.

I have incredible powers of imagination, so I now put it down to that.
Power of suggestion, a rich fantasy, and perhaps wanting something very specific to "blame", to put it all on instead of such diffuse and sometimes hard to understand reasons for feeling abused, neglected and unloved.

I think that in some cases like mine this kind of mechanism might be working.


Do Not be ashamed,one thing you can do to break the chains is to never abuse anyone else even if you feel like striking out,you will never be able to have that perfect childhood,but tomorrow can be better than today. Walk Tall and perservere.

I have held this thought up high in my consciousness since I got pregnant with my first child, and absolutely agree with you here.

:thumbsup:

:hug:

DemEx

[CoffeeCat]

8. Yes....

...writing works extremely well for me. It's been an incredibly useful tool in my recovery.

When I have a nightmare--that I know is a flashback--if I don't write it down, I will completely forget it. Some of my worst nightmares have been traumatic and affected me for days. However, if I don't write it down--it's gone. It just seems to retreat back into that part of my brain, which harbors the bad stuff.

So, I write--to help me process.

I also do a great deal of free association writing. This has been useful from a "journaling" perspective. I get my feelings out and it's cathartic. However, sometimes free-association can unlock my feelings and memories. If I'm having intense anxiety--I can sometimes sit down and all of a sudden so much is coming onto the paper. I look back and some of that writing and it's like it came from a different person.

Like you--my memories are "semi repressed". I think we're talking about the same thing, anyway. I will remember something that I had "forgotten" about my past. It just pops up. I get bits and pieces like that. My therapist says that I do not have DID--that all of my "parts" are "co-conscious"...it's just that some parts chose to repress to survive. As I heal, more of that past is thrown off.

Do you journal or use a tape recorder?

If you "forget", it sounds like you coped similarly to how I did--by being in denial or pushing back feelings. I minimized every horrible thing. Or I just didn't think about it. I shut it out. That can lead to "forgetting", until you are ready to remember.

I hope you are doing well.

Take care...

[DemExpat]

10. I did years of Primal therapy, which aims to bring all unconscious

memories into consciousness.

It did not diffuse or heal all of my mental sufferings, but it certainly shed excellent insight into how I developed as I did. It also brought to light how I "really" experienced my childhood - not the glossy version that I had had pervious to therapy.

After therapy I have found journalling a most excellent tool too, TwoSparkles!
Tucked back in my clothes closet I have one big notebook for each year since I got pregnant with my first child - in 1980 - so I have quite a stack of them.

Some day I will take them out and look through them.

I also used them to pour everything I thought and felt compelled to write in them - and it worked as a catharsis for me as well as a safe place to "store" it all in outside myself.

After writing it down, I could go on and do the things I wanted and needed to do in my day - in those years - to take care of and nurture my babies!

:hi:

DemEx

[CoffeeCat]

11. I hear you about "taking care of babies."

It's amazing to hear that someone else experienced this same relief with writing, Demex.

Like you, I was in the heavy stages of therapy when my children were very young. My kids are preschool-aged now, but they were ages 1 and when I was processing so much.

I would plop them down at the table, and give them finger paints or colors--and I would sit at the table next to them, writing out the most horrific emotions and describing awful abuse scenes. Looking back, it was very surreal. However, the writing allowed me to "purge" and then have a semi-normal day.

I also have incredibly intense rages. I felt like a serial killer. My therapist taught me that my rage was justified, and that a very angry, little-girl part was ready to share her pain. I was able to stay calm and centered, while feeling this white-hot rage stuff. Writing helped, but I also set up an area in our garage, where I could release it. I bought a metal baseball bat and several wicker laundry baskets--and I smashed them to matchsticks. I think I've smashed 20 or so, to date. My garbage man must be puzzled. Literally, I would put my babies in their height chairs, get them some Cheerios and go out to the garage and do my rage stuff. Then, I'd return to the kids, "OK! Who wants more Cheerios?", and I was able to be very present and calm with my children.

I totally understand how the cycle gets repeated. I've felt that confluence of rage, anxiety, helplessness and sorrow. If you don't get a good therapist who helps you to cope and purge--you don't understand what's happening to you. It would be so easy to take it out on the kids.

I'm committed to loving my children and giving them the respect, kindness and love they need and deserve. Taking it out on them is not an option.

Someone should write a good book about the struggles of parenting as an abuse survivor.

Thanks for sharing your stuff DemEx, and for helping me to share mine, too. :)

[DemExpat]

13. Sounds like you are doing good with your babes, TwoSparkles....

it is possible to keep one's package of tortured feelings in a place separate from the place where we give of ourselves and enjoy others.

Not always easy, but it is possible.

I also know that with my history and my handicaps I have not been the perfect example to my children, but, and this I am happy and feel good about myself for,I have "been there" heart and soul for my children when they were growing up, and as young adults now they can look back knowing their Mom was/is kooky, sometimes troubled, "different" from most people,...... but that her love for them was always stronger than the power of her "demons"......

Really, my journals have been a blessing, a fabulous tool for me.

Sometimes I wonder what would my children/family think if I suddenly died and they came across these journals???????

:wtf: :think::crazy:

But this thought amuses me more than frigthens me, as I know that my love for them is what they really know about me.

:hug:

DemEx

edit: I am so lucky to have had children, TwoSparkles, it truly saved my life, for, for the first time in my life I had some people so fresh and new and open to me without reservations who were counting on me to love them, and I mustered up all of my formidable strength to put my ego and my demons at the back of the line of priorities, enabling me to learn how to live without total focus on those aspects of my existance.
It couldn't have been a worse scenario for a woman like me to be pregnant and having children when I did (I ws 29 years old) but as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would find a way to do it! I never doubted after that that I could.
Herculean struggle sometimes, but a good one, and one full of JOY!
:kick:
Babies rock! :D :loveya: :D

[Kashka-Kat]

14. hello

Glad to have found this part of d.u., didn't know it was here. I too went thru a period of "life crisis" where MUCH repressed material seemed to INSIST on pouring forth. It was like-- the life is not working anymore, so let's turn in all the cards and reshuffle the deck!! Expat-- I too got into primal therapy -- it seemed to be one of the few which allowed me to go in as deep as I felt I needed to go.

Ive come to see that my worst trauma was pretty severe emotional neglect, abandonment, lack of parental bonding as infant and later pretty severe verbal and emotional abuse. Nothing really sexual (well except maybe indirectly) I have a friend whose primary trauma was sexual abuse, and it sounded like the way she recovered the memories was very similar to how I recovered mine, even though the exact nature of the trauma was somewhat different. She never had "forgotten" it exactly, it was more like the memories were always there-- the brother in the bedroom, in the bed, his hands, her feeling of profound confusion -- but what was missing was the concious understanding, the cognition that "this was abuse"-- and her feelings of extreme anger/rage/fear/terror. When those all came together-- then the memory was recovered, and her body/mind was reconnected & unified-- instead of split & divided. (a kinda "primal" concept there!) Similarly I never really had the sense that I was "recovering" something totally alien or totally repressed, because there had always been some thread of some kind of "awareness" all along. Like I always had the intellectual knowledge that my mother "spanked" me but what was "repressed" was how upset and scared I felt, the concious cognition, "my mother hit and verbally abused me" and even a scene or 2 where it had happened (like in a grocery store.)

In the case of very early infant trauma, or things like surgeries, these "threads of awareness" can be mostly physical symptoms (body memories if you will) which can then be resolved and actual go away when then reconnected with the cognitive memory

When people talk about "false memory syndrome," Im never quite sure what they're talking about bc I've never experienced it. Unless some sort of fabrication that the mind comes up to conceal or cope with the deeper underlying pain and trauma.

Anyway, I could go on! Nice to meet y'all, and I wish you well w/ your explorations-- hmmm I am wondering if this group might be a place to post those day to day insights and growthful moments?

[DemExpat]

15. Welcome, Kashka-Kat!

Glad to have found this part of d.u., didn't know it was here. I too went thru a period of "life crisis" where MUCH repressed material seemed to INSIST on pouring forth. It was like-- the life is not working anymore, so let's turn in all the cards and reshuffle the deck!! Expat-- I too got into primal therapy -- it seemed to be one of the few which allowed me to go in as deep as I felt I needed to go.

Ive come to see that my worst trauma was pretty severe emotional neglect, abandonment, lack of parental bonding as infant and later pretty severe verbal and emotional abuse. Nothing really sexual (well except maybe indirectly) I have a friend whose primary trauma was sexual abuse, and it sounded like the way she recovered the memories was very similar to how I recovered mine, even though the exact nature of the trauma was somewhat different. She never had "forgotten" it exactly, it was more like the memories were always there-- the brother in the bedroom, in the bed, his hands, her feeling of profound confusion -- but what was missing was the concious understanding, the cognition that "this was abuse"-- and her feelings of extreme anger/rage/fear/terror. When those all came together-- then the memory was recovered, and her body/mind was reconnected & unified-- instead of split & divided. (a kinda "primal" concept there!) Similarly I never really had the sense that I was "recovering" something totally alien or totally repressed, because there had always been some thread of some kind of "awareness" all along. Like I always had the intellectual knowledge that my mother "spanked" me but what was "repressed" was how upset and scared I felt, the concious cognition, "my mother hit and verbally abused me" and even a scene or 2 where it had happened (like in a grocery store.)

In the case of very early infant trauma, or things like surgeries, these "threads of awareness" can be mostly physical symptoms (body memories if you will) which can then be resolved and actual go away when then reconnected with the cognitive memory

I want to weigh in on this when I have more time for it - I share much of your experience and perception....

When people talk about "false memory syndrome," Im never quite sure what they're talking about bc I've never experienced it. Unless some sort of fabrication that the mind comes up to conceal or cope with the deeper underlying pain and trauma.

Anyway, I could go on! Nice to meet y'all, and I wish you well w/ your explorations-- hmmm I am wondering if this group might be a place to post those day to day insights and growthful moments?

Feel free and welcome to post any daily insights and moments here in this Group, KK!
I know that this often inspires us to share more insights and experiences.
And this is a good thing, imo.

DemEx

[Kashka-Kat]

18. thank u for welcome DemEx, looking forward to future conversations here

[lins the liberal]

16. false memory syndrome

There is a thread on this subject in GD today.

My understanding of false memory syndrome is that the proponents of this syndrome say that it is impossible to repress/dissociate memories of abuse. So if a person "recovers" memories of abuse, according to them a therapist has implanted the memories or the person is making it up to avoid "real" problems in their life today.

On the thread in GD several people have said they recovered memories and were not in therapy and/or recovered memories and the perps actually admitted they had done it. The people who seem so rabid about FMS have not responded to those particular posts.

[EFerrari]

17. Of course it's possible to dissociate memories of abuse.

Our brains try to protect us (Remember the Star Trek M-5 "this unit must survive." :)

I don't know anything about FMS. Too busy handling TMs. lol

[CoffeeCat]

19. Hi lins...

Yep, I was in on that thread.

Pretty disturbing stuff.

Those who insist that repressed memories never happen, are not living in the real world. Repressed memories is a controversial subject, but you rarely hear anyone say that repression never happens.

You are right, lins--those who discounted repressed memories entirely--had no comment for those who said they unearthed memories without the aid of a therapist, or those who said their memories were corroborated.

I believe that repression happens, but I would never insist that ALL recovered memories are accurate and that therapists never, ever implant memories. However, some on the other side of the argument take the extreme position that repression never, ever happens to anyone. They ignore personal accounts, like the ones we saw on the board. They discount readily available science, journal articles and research that clearly demonstrates that trauma can cause repression/amnesia.

I thought you made some excellent points in the thread, lins.

:)

[lins the liberal]

20. I was really upset at the beginning

I was really upset at the beginning of that thread. It would be nice if some of these people who insist that it is impossible to repress/dissociate memories would just try to put themselves in our place. It's not like we deliberately started having flashbacks and recovering memories. I didn't want to believe it myself. I would go back and forth between believing and thinking I was just crazy.

The good news is that we get to the end of the memories. I haven't had any more memories for the last 9 years. I had a period of 6 years when I was getting back memories of abuse. The first 3 years I had a lot of "flooding" off and on. After that they slowed down and the last 2 years I had 2 memories one year and only one memory the next.

TwoSparkles, I thought you made some very good points also!