Well....

[terrya]

Once again, I find myself thinking about death. Thinking of the peacefulness of death, the lack of stress or low self esteem or worthlessness. How death would solve so many things. I've had these feelings in the past.

One thing that has always stopped me from actually killing myself is my family, my friends and my partner. My Mom would be horribly devasted by my suicide...she's still coping with the death of my dad a few years ago. Suicide is, it seems, an incredibly selfish act.

If you read this, don't be alarmed. Don't ask the mods to lock the thread with the suicide hotline number, because I'm not going to do it. But this is my state of mind right now. Just sort of numb and empty.

I'll talk this over with my counsellor this Saturday. I'm not taking any meds for my depression right now (except St. John's Wort, which is ok, I guess)

Thanks for reading this, if you have.

[MonkeyFunk]

1. Hang in there, Terrya....

and look into medications. They've helped a lot of people.

:hug:

[terrya]

2. Thanks, MonkeyFunk

I've taken medications before...Celexa and Welbutrin (I was part of a clinical depression study at Northwestern University a few years back, and I received them for free). But besides the St. John's Wort (which I'm not sure how much it helps), I'm not currently taking any medications right now. Depression seems to run in my family...both my sister, Jill and my Mom deal with it.

Thank you for your very helpful advice. It is so much appreciated.

:hug:

[elleng]

4. Effexor works here.

DO keep up with counselor, and with us.

Peace.

[fed-up]

3. just keep repeating-this to shall pass-my messy house kept me alive :) nt

[wellstone dem]

5. the messy house does help

doesn't it. I know I don't want anyone else to see what a slob I am.

[qb]

6. I know those feelings well.

Except for my only suicide attempt as a teenager, I too had the presence of mind to realize that no matter how appealing the act may seem, it is definitely not a good idea. I hope things get better for you.

[Forkboy]

7. I have those feelings a lot....suicidal idolation.

And though that would make a great band name that's the only thing great about it. I know EXACTLY what you're talking about.

I remember my father giving me the selfish line and I pointed out that it may be equally selfish for him to expect me to live a life where I'm miserable just so his feelings don't get hurt, and I think he got the point, as he became a lot more understanding about it after that, and hasn't used that line of reasoning since. As he said, I "have an answer for everything". :)

I came very, very close to doing it this past December, a month that totally kicked my ass emotionally for a few reasons I'll spare you from, but somehow I made it through, and right now I'm doing ok...not great, but ok. I feel like for the time being at least I have a hold on those emotions. I also know they'll be back and the struggle will have to take place once again. It sounds awfully appealing when I'm like that, and it seems the only thing that would solve every problem I have. Endless, dreamless sleep can sound mighty attractive, especially for someone who stays awake for days at a time (how else did you think I rack up all my posts here?)

I hope you can keep your head up, and from what I've seen here you have no reason not to be liking yourself.

:hug: