Poverty, dignity and mental health

[davidthegnome]

I think this is something that a lot of us with mental health issues struggle with. An often overwhelming feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, misery. At times, just getting out of bed in the morning, or pouring milk over your cereal can seem like climbing Mt. Everest. While most of us understand the value of exercise and how it will probably help to improve not only our lives, but our moods, many of us (myself included) often procrastinate instead. Many of us feel that we have little or no energy to dedicate to it.

Perhaps I am wrong and making ridiculous generalizations, if so, I apologize, my intention is not to offend anyone. Just to tell a story and perhaps get some advice and offer some in return.

As difficult as it can be for me, and so many others to even get out of bed in the morning - we still have lives to live, bills to pay, some of us have people who depend on us. Some of us work three jobs because we have no choice. Some of us can't pay for health care, some of us can, some of us don't work at all for our own reasons.

Yet something I find extremely common with those who have similar conditions to my own - is that they have - or feel that they have, little motivation, no energy. That it becomes so unbearable all you can do is lie in bed and shake and cry. Or for some of us, repeat the same tasks day after day to avoid deep introspection and further tormenting ourselves. Or for whatever reasons we may do so. Escapes from reality, hobbies, even jobs occasionally, can become methods by which to find some measure of comfort and security. That although on many levels we may be at odds with our own minds and hearts, there are some things we can commune with more effectively - or better control.

I further believe that most people have a desire to be independent. Not so that they never depend on anyone for anything, but so that they can become self sufficient. I've longed for that since I was 16 years old. Yet, somehow, rather than crossing the distance between where I am and where I wish to be - I seem to be falling further behind.

Years ago, at a young age, 20, I struggled with a decision to leave an unhappy engagement and my own son to seek something better. For him and for myself. I was tired of scrounging for every penny, tired of being laid off and being unable to work because my fiance had a college education - and we could not afford daycare. Someone had to stay home with the baby - and for a time, I did that. For years.

I could not find happiness in that life. I love my son, but I hated the situation we were living in. We could rarely afford new clothes for him or his older sister (my fiance's daughter) we struggled to pay the car payments, heating, even some times food. I felt trapped in a hopeless situation that I firmly believed would only get worse. So it's no wonder that I had such a difficult time getting along with my more optimistic fiance.

We had been living in South Dakota, I left, to come home to Maine. My goal was to get a couple of jobs, work like mad become independent, support my son, put him through college, and provide for him a better life than what he would have otherwise had.

Instead, at 23, I'm living with my parents. I'm still unemployed and struggle with depression and anxiety every day. I seem addicted to an abusive relationship - one where, due to my generally passive nature, I let my significant other walk all over me. I'm on medication, and struggling with a decision to go to school, as neither I nor my parents can afford to make up the difference - the amount that financial aid won't cover.

I have not been able to find reliable work since I came home, though I've filled out a number of applications and have been to a few interviews.

So I find myself living day by day, reading the forums here, reading my books, and kind of secretly hoping that someone, or something will help me. I know that logically it's probably not going to happen. Therapy and medication haven't worked - I am still not the person I wish to be.

I live in a nice enough home with my parents, though they're getting older, very tired, and are under immense financial pressure. My son has had to move three times since I left him due to my ex's and her parents trouble with money. Where I have been more secure. I haven't seen my son in three years, though I think of him every day.

The amount of shame, sadness, and even self hatred I often live with is extreme. I really need a way to get out of this mess, out of this slump, I wish I knew how.

It all came to a head last night when my girlfriend told me that parents who give birth to children they can't take care of should be sterilized. Going so far as to add that anyone with questionable genetics (I.E. a history of mental health problems, like in my case, Post traumatic stress) should also be taken into consideration for sterilization.

It made me so angry I told her she would have fit right in in Nazi Germany where eugenics was a quite popular movement. But it hurt deeply. For perhaps on some level I wonder if she is right. Did I doom a mere infant to a life of struggling with what I do? I can't give him a better life yet, and the future is so uncertain. Far from positive looking at the moment.

If only I could manage on my own, get away from my parents, live by myself, work full time, help my son. So many things.

I don't know what stops me, pessimism, realism, self hatred... or that lack of energy. I do know it's hard to live with myself right now, that I am almost always miserable.

Please... has anyone else overcome a similar situation? Have you managed to find some measure of happiness or dignity, of self respect? Have any of you had similar situations with your children... did they turn out well enough in the end?

Am I a terrible person for my failures?

[Droopy]

1. Life looked pretty bleak to me when I was 23 as well.

I became mentally ill when I was 20 and did not get the help that I needed until I was 30.

When I was 23 I was living in a 1969 model 10' by 50' mobile home. That was around 1995. I had just kicked out my room mate because he did not come up with his share of the rent for the third straight month. I was working as a machine operator for $7 an hour. It was all I could do to make ends meet. And like you I was completely miserable. I was also suffering from psychosis. Not long after I turned 24 I decided to make a career move- something I'd always dreamed of- truck driving. I stored my belongings at my folks' house and ended up giving my trailer away because I could not sell it fast enough. It wasn't worth much anyway. Then I hit the road.

Truck driving saved my life. I was afraid of most people so the solitude of trucking helped me earn a living even though I was in desperate need of mental health help and lived like a hermit. But I eventually completely broke down anyway when I was 30. I was fortunate to have health insurance when that happened. Instead of my hospitalization costing me $10,000 it cost me $2000.

I'm 35 now and I feel like I did before I got sick. Life is good. I still drive a truck for a living, but I'm home every day now and I have the weekends off. I own a little condo and I'm gradually working my way to my goal of being debt free including my mortgage. I'll be there when I'm 40 if all goes well at work. And I still take medication and I will for the rest of my life.

From what I can tell through your posts here, you are not a terrible person. And you are a damned good writer. Keep at it David. You'll catch a break. And if you want to know more about trucking, including how to get your CDL training for free, then give me a holler.