i thought i was better

[mzteris]

- in fact i was feeling quite smug about it - how much *better* I was doing.

Until things started to fall apart and I reverted oh-so-quickly to a quivering mass of paranoid delusional irrationally angry pathetically self-serving maunderings and feeling quite abandoned useless and tainted and old.

Are the meds just not working anymore? Or were they never working and I just thought they were 'cause things were going better so i felt better.

i'm crashing crashing crashing and no one around me at all understands. they're all pissed at me. all saying i'm being "deliberately pissy" etc.... its not deliberte. I don't want to be like this but what do i do?

i know i'll have to call the pdoc in the am - and more med adjustments on the way..... the real b*tch is that the drug that was probably working also had that really bad side effect that NO ONE wants, ya know? This one (lexapro) hasm't helped the side effect that much - but more than the other - but otherwise doesn't seem to be helping. crap crap crap crap crap

I think i'm beginning to understand just how unhealthy i truly am. I always thought most of it was what was happening "around me" to make me crazy - now i think maybe it's just that i'm crazy and it makes everything around me into melodramaticc crap.

talk to me folks - i'm having a rough ride right now

[elleng]

1. So sorry you're feeling so crappy, mzteris.

Sounds like 'talk therapy,' in addition to meds, might be useful. Have you been doing this? Thought about it?

Know that you are NOT ALONE! And keep in mind, if you can, that what 'people say' is SO OFTEN incorrect that you can just dismiss it, always. That's MY opinion, anyhow.

[mzteris]

4. i have been

doing talk therapy, but my therapist went on vacation and then the day we were supposed to meet again, her uncle died (and I only meet once a month so it's been a long while. I have an appt with her next week, though.

in the meantime I need to give the pdoc a call,i think.

[DainBramaged]

2. I go outside and bask in the sun when the pressure increases

I hope the pdoc has a solution today. And it isn't you. Chemistry changes every day.

[mzteris]

5. sun - that's a good idea, actually.

maybe a long walk.

thanks for reminding me it's the chemistry and not *me* that's so crazy. Why must everyone around you - including self - feel like if you just TRIED hard enough you could "make it better".

[uriel1972]

6. I think it's part hope part lack of understanding part fear

I've often thought of my mental illness as like losing a leg or arm, but no-one can see you're missing it. You can't do the things you used to and are in a lot of pain. It took a lot of convincing on my part and my psych's to get the people around me to accept my illness and to understand that getting better would take a lot of time and supreme effort. But I know how you feel it's like you could reach ouy and touch 'better' but somehow it eludes your grasp when you do and you think it's somehow you that's lacking. Hang in there a little dip on the road to recovery is to be expected.

[DainBramaged]

3. dupe