it feels like i can't get my mind to shut up

[fizzgig]

anymore, it seems that my brain is whizzing along at a million miles an hour, nothing but negativity and worry and self doubt and self loathing. my anxiety has been much higher over the past few months since i was fired from my job...the irrational (for lack of a better word) part of my brain dwells at what i perceive to be my shortcomings and worries at it like a sore tooth. i don't feel like i'm much of anything right now, that i'm worthless, a failure and am near the point of resigning myself to the fact that i will just wind up miserable in a dead end job and my life will be a waste. when i look at it logically, my life is very happy right now, but that part of my brain rarely prevails.

i'm needing my ativan on a much more regular basis and that causes more stress because i don't have a job or insurance...i keep meaning to go to the county mental health clinic, but don't seem to ever get around to it. of course, the anxiety causes physical symptoms and those further freak me out because i'm convinced that something is wrong with me.

that takes me to another point...i have no motivation anymore. i don't want to look for a job, i don't want to do the laundry or the dishes or tidy up my house. i'm not eating enough. i can never remember if i've taken my meds. i am showering and getting dressed every day and taking care of my cats, but that seems to be all i'm able to do right now. i sit at home and worry...i want to keep myself occupied, but have such a hard time getting up off my ass. i used to be able to harness that nervous or manic energy to clean or otherwise be productive, but i can't even seem to do that right now.

i'm tired of feeling like this. i feel lonely and helpless during the day because my boyfriend, dad and all of my friends work. sometimes i don't have anyone to call when i'm having a panic attack. i just want to feel happy and calm again.

[uriel1972]

1. sounds like depression

You want to get yourself to that clinic, even if you don't feel like moving. Getting appropriate treatment is paramount to getting your life back on track. It aint easy don't let anyone tell you that. I could strangle the people who tell you to "Just snap out of it". However you need to take that step of seeking help no matter how worthless you feel or how useless you think it will be.

I say again, it aint gonna be easy. It still feels like I'm crawling up a wall of a never-ending abyss now and again but with my meds and non-chemical therapy I'm much happier and going back to study again. It can be done.

[fizzgig]

5. i'm an old hand at this

it just seems to be more crippling right now. i know i need therapy and i'm always happier when i am in therapy, i just have to do it

thanks

[mopinko]

2. your neurochemistry is out of whack

that is all. you aren't a bad person, and you aren't incapable of fixing your problem.
you are a fine person. you are just having a brain rash, and you need to get it quieted down. do that. make the phone call, fill out the paperwork, tell the whole truth, get in the queue at the mental HEALTH clinic, and get some help with that nasty rash.

let us know how it is going.
take care.

[Droopy]

3. I agree mopinko

It sounds to me like kagehime is experiencing a mixed state that bipolar people sometimes experience. There are manic and depressed symptoms at the same time. The racing thoughts are indicative of mania, while the inability to tend to life's necessities and feelings of worthlessness are clearly depression.

You might have to force yourself, kagehime, but please get the help that you need.

[fizzgig]

4. that is what's going on

i was diagnosed type II bipolar a couple of years ago, but it's been a long time since i've had an episode like this.

i am going to the clinic tomorrow, even if i have to call someone and ask them to take me

[fizzgig]

6. a brain rash is a good way to look at it

i know what i need to do and know i will feel better for it. it's not fair to me (and i don't feel it's fair to those around me) to keep screwing around like this.

thank you

[mopinko]

7. keep us up to date.

ya know i have never forgotten one of the researchers that was on an old pbs show about the brain and the mind. he pointed out that the trouble was that the mind was trying to unravel and understand the brain. when you think about it, it is sort of an escher staircase. especially within a single life, a single person, a single mind.
feel better.

[Pharaoh]

10. You may be beyond it at the moment........

but meditation is a good exercise to quiet the mind.

[mdmc]

8. this seems to be something chemical

can you check into it and post again? Or perhaps a clinical depression - truama related maybe?
Please lets us know if you care to update.

[laylah]

9. Damn Sara!

I just read this! You can always, ALWAYS call your MaMa :cry: You take care you YOU. Get to the Larimer County clinic ASAP...you are my baby, you have to take care of yourself 'cuz I love you (and, of course, it is about me :rofl:) :cry: :loveya: