"Please seek help immediately"

[Sundoggy]

It doesn't work that way sometimes.

Short and not so sweet: I lost my 19 year old son - my best friend - to cancer over a year ago; I am stuck in time in the horror of that first awful realization and can't move past it. At all. "Stages of grief"? Bullshit. Mine is absolutely static - an absolutely, technicolor, full-on mental scream, 24 hours a day - and I realize now that it isn't going to change. It's a dagger in my heart every day and always will be. The problem now is... how long can I stand it?

There are whole parts of my house that I can't go near. I have to keep my office door closed because I can go off at any moment. I can't see a policeman without fantasizing about grabbing his gun. I can't drive down the street without an INTENSE desire to crash into a bridge abutment.

Every. Day. Am I supposed to call for help every day?

I'm really good at faking being OK. I show up for work nearly every day. I'm not really looking for pats and hugs, it's just really bad today and I never talk about this, I needed to vent a bit. I don't believe in talk-talk therapy and I've tried antidepressants in the past, they don't touch my depression (which preexisted for years).

I guess the only option is hanging tough. Life kinda sucks.

[EFerrari]

1. As a person who was very much stuck for over a year in my own trauma

I'm going to hug you anyway. :hug:

[I Have A Dream]

2. I'm so sorry that you're in such pain, Sundoggy.

I wish that I could do something to help you. :(

:hug:

[fed-up]

3. I lost my mom to cancer 9 years ago-the first year was the worst-time does heal-hugs nt

[Forkboy]

4. In my own way I've reached the same conclusion.

Hanging tough is my only trustable option. As in, I trust myself more than I could ever trust anyone else to understand the pain and confusion. And no matter how much we may talk, I never open up to anyone to the degree I would have to to see things differently. An evil catch 22.

I'm not sure I'm the one to speak to on such matters, and one of the reasons I tend to keep quiet down here is because I fear my approach isn't even close to being the best one, it's just the one that works for me. It seems you may have found the same answer, such as it is.

I'm not sure it's THE answer for the long run, but there it is.

I can't even begin to understand what you're dealing with, I can only hope you find some kind of peace that seems so elusive. It's like trying to grab a handful of water.

[mdmc]

5. Was your son into anything that you can carry on with?

Like, was he into watching the Simpsons or something? What you feel is natural, and while there is no reason to believe me, time will heal. Maybe not completely, maybe very little, but in time, you will heal.

And yes. Call every day. Take it by the minute. Call every minute if needed. The worse they can do is commit you to a hospital. That might not be too bad.

But there must be something else that can be done. I don't know what it is, but it must be done.

Posting here is a step. A step in the right direction.

Being Irish and Catholic is knowing that the world will eventually break your heart.

Peace and low stress... And God Bless.

[Tab]

6. yes

First, I can't even comprehend losing my son. I'm so sorry for what you are having to deal with. If this happened to my son, I wouldn't even want to venture where my head would be at. I probably wouldn't handle it half as well.

Second, YES. If you need to call for help every day then call for help every day. I have some issues that I'm dealing with, and I call out to various people every day if I need to. This doesn't come easily to me - I don't normally ask for help - but sometimes it's what you need to do. I'm not exactly sure what it's accomplishing, but it forces me to stay connected (maybe that's what it's accomplishing) and keep others involved and helps build a safety net.

I'm pretty sure, if you live near a metropolitan area - or anything other than ultra-rural - that you can find some kind of suvivor's group, with other people going through similar situtations.

I wish you well.

[easttexaslefty]

7. Hi Sundoggy

I lost my son 9 months and 15 days ago.I won't say I know how you feel. We have both lost children but different circumstances. Someone up thread suggested grief groups.They did help us. Its not talk therapy....its sharing your grief and can be healing. But I do understand what you are saying...It is a deep longing and sadness so deep in your soul. Gut-wrenchingly intense.
I have struggled with the will to go on. I've tried twice to end it all but those feeling are not as intense anymore. i find what helps me is to tell myself one more day then I will reevaluate.Crazy I know but it gets me by.
And yes, if you need to call someone every day...call them. I you would like my phone # pm and I will give it to you.
wishing you some moments of peace