"Please Seek Help Immediately"

[easttexaslefty]

I posted the suicide hotline numbers on a thread I started several days ago. I did that because my 33 year old son hung himself in September of 2007. We think he panicked after his car was reposed at work that night. We know there was more to the story than that....he got burned badly by a friend and we had experienced much loss that year. Since my son's suicide, our family,and especially myself, have been consumed by grief. I have attempted suicide twice. Once I took many ,many pills but still woke up the next morning. The other time I tied my bathrobe belt around my neck but stopped myself somehow before I actually was sucessful.My husband is a wreck, my surviving son has started drinking to excess again, my daughter in law believes she heard it happen..she thought it was a door slamming and feels guilty. She was anxiety attacks now. I don't know what the solution is to deep depression..But I do know,in our family,suicide led to damaged, broken people. I am a shell of my former self....half crazy with grief at the what-ifs, could-ofs and should-ofs
If my sweet baby had just reached out for help we would have moved mountains to help him.

[mopinko]

1. my deepest condolences.

this kind of post is always so hard to respond to, since there is so little we can even say, let alone do.
but please try not to beat yourself up. i want to point to your last sentence- you would have moved mountains for him. sweetie, you were no more capable of moving mountains the day before he died than you are now. i don't doubt that you would have if you could. i know that i would move them today for my troubled child if i could. but we can't.
we have to do what we can do and accept that we cannot build a perfect world for our children. i am sure that you explained that to yourself many times while he was alive. i am sure you didn't really accept it then. i know that i don't. i still look for a good place for a lever every time one of my kids needs something, or is in some fix. i do not accept that i cannot make it better for them. and so i am wounded by their pain, over and over.
i guess what i am trying to say is that motherhood is pain. i can see that you feel that if you could turn back the clock, it would be different. and i just wanted to remind you that it wouldn't. we do what we can for them. we regret what we cannot do for them. that pain stems not from his death, but from his birth.
be good to yourself. maybe just for today, i could give you permission to do something just for you. buy some good chocolates, or nice wine, or flowers. maybe if i tell you that you are a hero, you can believe it a little.
peace.

[easttexaslefty]

2. Thank you~ you're right

it's a helpless feeling watching your child act self-destructively and since they are adults you can do little to help. You can listen and be there for them..but have to make their own choices. I don't beat myself up as much as at first..still happens some, but as we learned in the Survivor of Suicide group we attended 3 weeks after Danny's death...the stages of grief do not go in a linear pattern. They jump from stage to stage.Mostly now I am just sick to my stomach with longing for him. I no longer consider myself actively suicidal ...not that it doesn't cross my mind...but I try to tell myself I will make through today and see what tomorrow brings.
My main motivation was to show the agony suicide leaves. I know my boy did not want to hurt us...he just wanted out of the pain. But the consequences of that act has left many in pain...

[mopinko]

3. it is an act that sends out waves of pain.

some are toppled by them, some drown. some grow strong from the battle. you just never know.
i had some tough times, but i thought often of kurt vonnegut, who carried with him always the scars of his mother's suicide. i suppose that means that i was ok anyway, that i could think through the consequences for others. you are right. he did not mean for you to suffer. he just saw no way out.
all mom's want to be heroes, i think. and when our kids are in a place where no hero can rescue them, we feel we have failed. even in the smallest things. a failing grade, a schoolyard bully, a fall from grace. we want always to be there.
although moms are something special, we are only human. it is what let's our kids become human's, too. to struggle is what it means to think, to be alive. but for some, it is too much.
the only thing i know to do in moments of such dark it to put one foot in front of the other in hopes that one day, i will arrive somewhere. somehow, mostly i have.
i hope that you can, too.

[mdmc]

4. Thank you for this powerful post

This Sunday I went to a born again church (yes, I am dating a fundie - you think you have problems :hug: ) -
anyway... The sermon (or whatever they call it) was about how "Paul" used the hardships of his life to further his "joy" of spreading the gospel of Christ. Poverty, jail, beatings all made him more joyous, because God is in control of everything and everything that happens is the will of God. Use what God (or karma) has given you.

These tragedies that have effected you have also made you stronger. This OP is one of the powerful posts I have seen at DU in a long time.

As someone who has suicidal tendencies and work with MH consumers, your OP is a powerful reminder that I would rather suffer the pain of tomorrow then cause the increase of suffering of those that care for me.

Of course I don't want to sound like a fundie, but put your faith in God or Karma and follow your bliss. Even in your "empty shell state" that you are currently operating in you have been able to lift the spirits of others. You have helped others. Please keep at it and keep posting here at the MH group.

Peace and low stress, and keep on keeping on. Tomorrow there is a chance that you will be happy.

[Tab]

5. I have a couple of relatives that have had to deal with this

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's devastating, and invariably there are the same questions: (1) Why? (2) Why couldn't I have stopped it?

But you couldn't have stopped it - not really. It's horrible, but you can't stop it. If someone wants to do this, it's from some inner pain that probably no one can fix. And they're probably beyond talking about it.

My point is, sometimes people are on a path no one can interfere with unless that person themselves wants help. Some do. Others insist on completing the path and don't want help. I'm sorry this was the case with your son. You can (and probably will) question it until the end of time, but the answer is that there is no answer.

Perhaps you can do something in his memory to help others from going through the same thing, or help others who ARE going through the same thing.

Thank you for getting beyond your own suicide. That would have left others even more devastated, wondering about you as well as him.