I'm miserable every day -- not sure if this is the place to go.

[DaveJ]

I really have no idea where to turn with regard to my messed up marriage, there seems to be nowhere. There aren't any organizations or institutions, and people on the street won't help. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I'm a male stuck in a marriage that feels impossible to get out of, and I feel abused in a way that probably is not common and nobody cares about... so maybe I'm the one who isn't thinking rationally? I was diagnosed with schizophrenia at one point when I was under a lot of stress in college. I don't think there was much legitimacy behind it, but in case that helps add some perspective....

I was so naive when I got married almost 6 years ago, and I think she took advantage of my mental 'weakness' if you want to call it that. Now I know my wife literally comes from a family of criminals. Not successful ones, but losers who are in and out of jail all the time, always broke and never have a thing to their name. (My family was super responsible and law abiding, and NEVER had money problems.) She is better than most her family, and I admired her for that at one time, but the internal instinct just isn't fading -- she brings that life philosophy with her, of not paying any bills that aren't necessary at the time, no regard for math, lying and saying whatever sounds best at any given time to get what she wants. As long as I'm with her, I know I will never be able to retire no matter how hard I work, because my credit will always be bad because I am constantly trying to pay her financial mistakes (what tiny amount there is), and money we don't have will be spent (again, not big bucks, just enough to keep us under all the time). She fooled me before we were married by acting like she cared, like she was gong to go to college or at least get a GED, but that's all history, and the longer I'm with her the more I realize she was just scamming me. Saying whatever she thought I wanted to hear.

I probably won't grow old, and instead die in my 50s from the stress. I can't afford a lawyer for a divorce or whatever it takes, which is the worst part, it's just constant torment. I think wants to keep me poor -- in order to make leaving harder for me to accomplish. Whatever we have in the checking account is gone by Friday, and I think she's targeting my meager savings account.

Luckily we have no kids, or at least I don't, she has two kids from her previous marriage, but they are both older and out of the house. But I feel trapped and like there is nowhere to go, and honestly I think that I may be in this situation due to some mental weakness on my part, so perhaps this is the right place to go??? BTW, she also has been diagnosed with bipolarism, but the more I get to know her, the more I begin to think all this is just her character, and not some mental disease.

I tell her everything. These are not just hidden feelings. She won't stop spending irresponsible, won't make an appointment for medication that she may or may not need. People say just get separate accounts but I don't see how that will work. She'll still cause money problems. She's taken my credit cards out of my wallet and charged a few thousand behind my back. Once she had her own checking account with $2 and bought a $600 ring using that account. Tomorrow I will have to pay for her car repair. I am always trying to bail her out but it can't continue. Separate accounts does not solve the problem.

My name is on a lease that I can't skip out on. I don't know of any 'shelters' that will help me. My parents have money but are emotionally distant, and expect me to take care of myself. I don't have any friends that will just take me in (not being from this area originally).

Even if there were a way out for me, I'd still prefer a way that would not leave her on the streets, because I think perhaps there may be a 1% chance of hope for her, and that maybe she is just temporarily confused as well.

[qb]

1. My heart goes out to you. I foolishly got into a marriage I didn't belong in

but for different reasons. We are separated now. First of all, wildly irresponsible spending is typical of a person in the manic phase of bipolar disorder. Neither of us is qualified to diagnose, but it is something to keep in mind.

Financial problems and concerns about your wife's well-being should not keep you from seeking a divorce. You can get control over your finances and provide her enough to live on in the settlement.

Here a are some links that might help you:

Chicago Volunteer Legal Services: http://www.cvls.org/
Illinois Legal Aid: http://www.illinoislegalaid.org/
Chicago Department of Public Health: http://cityofchicago.org (type "mental health" in the search box)

I think mention of your schizophrenia diagnosis could open the door to more services. At the very least you should be able to find an attorney who offers a payment plan you can manage.

Best of luck to you.
:hug:

[WhiteTara]

2. May I suggest Co Dependents Anonymous

Here you can work out the issues that you are describing. You may feel trapped, but with some support from others who feel much the way you do, you may find answers to these deep questions.
Good luck
:hug:
Look for the AA group and they will have a roster of all the other anonymous groups

[EFerrari]

3. d, who is there in your hood that provided counselling services?

There must be someone through the city or the county. It sounds like you could use someone outside of your marriage to help you work through this stuff.

:hug:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

4. I am sorry that you are going through this.

The only person that you can take care of is you.Even if you have to live in a boarding house and save money until you can afford an apartment or house. PM me anytime you need to vent :hug:

[BeHereNow]

5. I agree with the poster who connected the spending with BPD.

Also, that her family members are frequent fliers
in the courts suggests it.
BPD typically runs in families and untreated
lands many BPDs in jail.

I have a friend with a BPD 21 year old son
facing his third felony offense.

BPD is an horrible disease for both the
patient and those who love them.

Your wife sounds untreated.
Any way to get her to a doctor
for diagnosis and hopefully meds?

It IS a manageable condition.
Getting the affected person to agree to
treatment is the hard part.

I know with my daughter, she pines for the
euphoria of the manic state, but is smart enough
to know she doesn't want to go through the
depression again.
It's literally one day at a time in our house.

BHN