it's all mom's fault.

[mopinko]

sigh. started doing a little googling around on the subject of borderline personality disorder. i was wondering if there was any link to birth trauma, as my kid who has it was the worst of my 5 births. she had the cord wrapped around her neck. she still had a good apgar score, but not perfect. the labor waxed and waned in a very non-linear way. the midwife told me then that the baby was talking, telling the labor to slow down when it was stressing out. :shrug: minor at any rate. but then, bpd is a strange and sometimes subtle thing.
anyway, google result after google result insists that trauma of some sort in childhood is almost always a factor. in spite of having several bipolars in the family, indicating that this kid had a genetic disposition to some sort of problem, so many of these sources almost insist that some trauma must have happened.
certainly many of the people that have worked with her gave me the hairy eyeball. some "friends" of our famlily swallowed her stories, and decided that i was really, really crazy, and had done massive damage to her.
it sucks to be a mom. a beautiful child grows up to be, well, damaged. all the hopes and dreams you have for a kid are smashed. it is such a loss. but compounding that with blame, oy. sometimes i can't bear it.
glad i have you guys to talk to. not many people understand.

[DemExpat]

1. I refuse to see myself and anybody with problems as damaged.

I chose to see it as having to learn to live well with a handicap.

She is going through a rough time hopefully learning about herself with all of her strengths and wekanesses. That is how I choose to see my mental health problems in myself and in my children. I am borderline since my teenage years.

The possible positive compensations we can learn to make for our weaknesses can turn out to make our lives just as valuable and positive for ouselves and our loved ones as any more "normal" people IMHO. Takes more time though, as the development line is not straightforward in many of our cases!

I did the Primal Therapy based on the birth trauma setting the pattern for stress reaction in babies working on through to adulthood. I still think it has much validity, along with genetic tendencies. But this insight into effects of a birth trauma does not change reality now IMO.

No need to blame the Mom for this though, only conscious actions and decisions that affect others can involve any sense of blame IMO.

She is going through another rough patch now? :hug:

DemEx

[mopinko]

2. she is doing pretty well.

she has been pretty responsible for the last couple of years, going to college, working, etc. mostly i just think her boyfriend is a complete jerk. i caught her cheating on the rules of using my car, letting the jerk drive. but other than that she has tried hard to be good.

it is me that is in a rough patch. having anniversary rehash of a bad time that she helped to create. and i guess i wasn't clear that very few articles mentioned birth trauma as a cause, but most of them insist that trauma or abuse in childhood is almost always a factor. people have certainly suspected that something must have happened to her. and she certainly tells a lot of people that it did. it seems like there was no way for me to be a good mom, either in people's perception, or in fact.


and i didn't mean to be insulting, or call you names. i'm not talking about anyone but her. i apologize if you felt included in the basket dx. i understand what you mean, tho, and i apologize.
she is a lot more than that, for better and for worse. and she has caused a lot of trouble, which is really what i am talking about. that and being so very much hard work to be her mom.

none of my kids have turned out to be what i thought they would be (obviously), it's just that this one has required so much of me. and she hates me. and might always hate me. because of some little neurochemical glitch.

mostly, i'm just tired.

[DemExpat]

3. Oh dear, I didn't take your feelings about your daughter as a general

or personal insult, so no need to apologize here. Dang internet communications allow for misunderstandings so easily sometimes.
It's not at all hard to feel we are all damaged to some extent, I just decided years ago not to think or feel about it in this way. I also reject illness as a label, I choose dealing with a handicap. Or turning a weakness into a strength....:-)

And I do know what you mean about parenting being so extremely demanding in various periods. It takes a lot out of you at times! Especially those challenging ones. I am lucky that my kids never rebelled against me personally, but I've had lots of issues and worries to see them going through different things.

I used to hate my Mom, but grew to realize that without a lot of deep love for her I would have been indifferent, I would not have HATED her as I did. Your daughter is blaming you for all of her weaknesses and troubles, while in the end it is her life and her choices creating it now. Even with her glitch, she has her life in her own hands now.

Here is to getting some good sleep and feeling better!

DemEx

[Tab]

4. BPD's have basically zero self-esteem

And an incredible fear of abandonment as a result. This may be a result of parenting, but there's lots of other things that could put them in that place as well.

If she really is BPD, the cause is not as important as how you can work with her.

BPD's can't accept negative judgments about them. Their self-esteem is already in the toilet, so anything else is just too painful. They will go to nearly any degree to deflect a blame onto someone else, even if it means revisionist history or just outright denial. They're not trying to lie, they're just trying to protect what little self-esteem they have left.

They are very hard to treat, for the simple reason that if they need treatment then something else must be wrong with them, and they can't accept that possibility.

It is not easy being with a BPD. I spent nearly 10 years with one and learned a lot about the disease. It IS a disease, but that just makes it simpler to understand, not deal with. You can't fix her, and since she's family, you have to deal with her. It will be very erratic, unpredictable, and sometimes surreal and a challenge to your ability to keep your core centralized.

It really becomes an ongoing soap-opera.

Don't worry about the cause, just about how you're going to deal from this point forward.

You can PM me if you want more BPD info.

[EFerrari]

5. Doug used to make up stories or, he used to tell his theories

as if they were biography. While a lot of people I've talked to did suffer some kind of trauma (birth shouldn't count: birth is a trauma!), there were many, many more families who dealt with this kind of spinning out story telling to try to account, on the outside, for what the inside felt like.

It is reality, just not exactly in the details as they are told. Or, that's how I finally understood it. And when the stories started focusing on me as the "perp", and not the parents or former roommates or agents or girlfriends, it was hard to hang onto that understanding.

:hug:

[BeHereNow]

6. The loss... I know mo, I know.

I can't cry anymore. There are no tears left.
I am exhausted all the time from the worry-
wondering if I could have done something different
as a mom to save my daughter from the BPD.

She has lost so much this year and my heart breaks
for her while I am angry beyond words at what the
bipolar has done to her life.

I HATE the disease- I want my daughter back.

She is on medication, but drinks and cancels it out.

Some days are lovely and some days are just horrific.
I miss her so much which kills me since she has moved
home. I see her every day, but she is not always "there."
It's as if she has been possessed by some horrific spirit.

My heart and love goes out to you.
I know what you are feeling.

I don't think people who have not lived it
can begin to imagine how sad it can be.

BHN

[EFerrari]

7. And exhausting. It's been two years since we separated

and only lately do I begin to have something like a normal attention span or energy level or even undisrupted sleep. And in the back of my mind, I'm still worried for Doug. That will never go away.

[Tab]

8. NO, YOU COULD NOT HAVE

Whatever tossed her into this, if it's a correct diagnosis, you can't regret (I suspect it wasn't you from the way you're posting). Who knows?

You can support her, although don't let her get away with overly abusing the support, but they're very hard to change. This much I know.

[BeHereNow]

9. I know it's not anyone's "fault" but as a mom- it is the first thought.

We saw her TERRIFIC therapist today, she gave us a terrific book
to read, "Living with bipolar disorder."

The book emphasizes the fact that it isn't anyone's fault
and acknowledges the fact that it is normal for parents to
wonder.

The therapist is meeting with me and the dad to go over
"boundaries" which I think are needed.

You are right, I think she is abusing the support at this point.

Thanks for checking in, and yes, the diagnosis is correct.
The manic is something I never want to experience again
and is what helped make the correct diagnosis.
Until that happened, it simply was a LONG depression episode.

BHN

[mopinko]

10. god. drinking is the worst.

man, you must want to duct tape her mouth shut, or something. so many bpds drink, and that is what ruins them as much as anything. that is what my dad, who was an un-dxed bp, did. that is the part that made it impossible for him to hang on to a normal life.
i am so grateful that my daughter stopped doing that after a brief episode in her mid teens. but she just turned 21, and has made a few comments about it that worry me. and of course, that is my main beef with her SO, i think he drinks too much.