I think I'm overwhelmed

[Veritas_et_Aequitas]

I'm sitting at my computer at 3:30 AM when I should be asleep. I have a lot to do tomorrow: go to the work center for some interviews, winterize my car, go visit the psychopharmacologist tomorrow to talk about my meds then hit the gym. Then I come home and cook dinner for the parents, do some cleaning, look for a job, and work on grad school applications. Busy busy busy. Undoubtedly one of my parents will mention something about my still being single at 26, the subtext of the comment being "please let THIS one be straight so we can have grandkids". I'll overhear comments about my father's failing health, or my uncle's swollen prostate, or how their retirement accounts have been destroyed by the financial crisis. I'll put on NPR or the TV to drown out their talking only to be met with news of another Mumbai or pirates in Somalia or another corrupt politician in Boston or Washington screwing us all over. Then I'll want to go to bed.

Which brings me back here, sitting at my computer when I should be asleep because I know the instant I lose touch with the waking world I'll be dragged down into a personal hell populated by surreal situations, horrifying demons and monsters, and so much violence and blood and pain. You'd think that after years of having dreams like that, you'd stop being fazed. But you don't (or at least I don't).

So I try to stay up as long as I can, so I don't have to deal with that world of my own making. But then I'm still forced to deal with a reality that is suffocating me. It's a Catch-22.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like the world is caving in around me and I'm grasping at straws. I just got my new health insurance from the state, but it's going to take a while to get an appointment with a therapist who will take it. Meanwhile, my med supply is okay. But I really don't have anyone to talk to. My parents try to be good, but whenever I try to talk to them when I'm really manic or depressed, they just write me off as being dramatic, and I'm afraid of alienating my friends. Fortunately the cat seems to understand something's wrong with me and has been spending a lot of time with me. But other than the cat, I really feel adrift.

Help?

[elleng]

1. Hang here.

;-)

[mopinko]

2. those dreams

did you have those before the meds? i hate those kind of dreams. you wake up more tired than you went to sleep.
different drugs definitely affect dreams. trazedone is a clumsy way to get to sleep, in my experience. when i started taking lyrica for fibromyalgia, i had the most luscious dreams for about a week. i loved it. ambien has been great for me. i think they prescribe lunesta more for people on other psychoactive drugs.
lithium is a clumsy drug, also, but has kept a lot of people on track for a very long time. it is cheap, and it's effects are well understood. there are worse things in life than that. good luck finding something that works for you. it can be a long struggle. especially when you are taking a couple of different things.

i think pretty much everyone here understands what your reality is, whether we share it ourselves, or have a family member who does. do your parents not get it?
anyway, what elleng said- hang here. sometimes you do have to tune the world out. that is ok. i know my ipod changed my life.

[Veritas_et_Aequitas]

3. Yeah, my dreams have always been pretty bizarre and horrifying.

As for the lithium, my concerns are about long-term use, especially since my uncle (and potentially my dad) has diabetes, and I'd like to keep my kidneys in the best condition possible.

And my parents try, God bless them, but they really don't understand. Still, they're better about it now than they were when I was in high school.

[mopinko]

4. it can be hazardous, no doubt.

my sister has been on it for a long time. she had a fall a while ago, and got a bad scrape. when they treated that with antibiotics, they did not pay any attention to possible interactions. turns out that the antibiotic was interfering with the lithium metabolization. they figured that out when she was nearly immobilized from high blood levels. she never quite got all her marbles back.

and yeah, parenting high school kids is hard under the best circumstances.

peace.