Goddamn it.

[redqueen]

I've spent the better part of nearly four decades in denial and with all my pain and rage armored over. I misdirected and sublimated so much pain.

But now, in order to raise healthy daughters more than for myself, I've started picking at that scab because somehow that's supposed to help you to heal but it's making me feel fucking crazier than ever. I'm like a walking open wound. I flinch and wince at nothing. I lash out for seemingly no reason... though I know the reason is something that I just don't understand yet. I feel like an abused dog who flinches from pats and becomes aggressive easily.

I want to scream and rage and cry but I don't even quite know why. I mean I do know some but I don't want to think about it. It's so fucked up. It's not fair. Is it any wonder people take the easy way out? I really don't think it is.

Damn it.

[Forkboy]

1. My mother had some very serious issues to work out.

She had a rough childhood (sexual abuse by baptist priests, her sister being kidnapped, raped and murdered, etc) and for basically my whole childhood she didn't deal with it nd hid behind drinking, and taking her anger out on the nearest male, which was usually me. Finally, about 15 years ago she went into therapy. At the time she was in Missouri with her mother (we're in Mass), and she called many times when she was going through the therapy, and it was really hard on her. There were a lot of times where she said she couldn't do it anymore...but she did. It took over six years of therapy but she did come to terms with what happened, and she's a much better person for it. But there were times when she sounded just like you do here. It's one of those things where it's probably going to get worse before it gets better, but my mother is proof that there's light at the end of the tunnel.

I certainly hope you don't decide to take the easy way out. :hug:

[redqueen]

2. Yeah...

my doctor says the same... worse before better.

*sigh*

Thanks, Forkboy. It helps to know things will be better eventually. That idea seems completely unrealistic to me right now... so thank you very much.

[mopinko]

3. .

:hug:

[redqueen]

5. Thanks, mopinko.

It's been a hell of a week.

[knowbody0]

4. I put my crap trauma behind me to put on a happy face

for my kids and make them believe everything was kool. for ten years it lay dormant, though I knew the cloud chased me. My mom died, my lover of 7 years betrayed me and I got herpies all within a month. I crashed comatose, and it took two years of intense, painful therapy to bring me round.

that's my story. I'm good now, but that therapy was brutal.

you have daughters, me too. it's tough, but you've survived and that means you are strong. walk on redqueen.

peace and love

[redqueen]

6. You have my admiration.

I hope I can get over all this in two years. I've been going nearly a year and I can barely just admit that it was a big deal and I'm not FUBAR for not being able to handle life better than I do.

Thank you... very much.

[knowbody0]

7. it was a big disappointment for me

that I had to validate its affect on me. my therapist explained that I carried it in my cells, and my body defended itself whether I acknowledged it or not. My horrific ordeal happened at 3:00 am, to this day I wake up at that time every night, evidently this is my security force protecting me. I have learned to be productive at that time of night when I cannot go back to sleep, give thanks to the universe for allowing me to survive. (30 women did not).......

Peeling back the onion layers is hard work, but it will liberate you and allow you to really love yourself and your girls.


good luck, little sister.

[EFerrari]

8. When my oldest was acting out all over the world

I started crying while his therapist was taking our family history. It all bubbled over. And I had to settle in to six years of therapy for myself.

The thing is, I don't think my son would have gotten better if I hadn't done that. It was that simple.

:hug: and one for our families :grouphug:

[Myrina]

9. Hugs to you, my friend ...

:hug: I know it sounds hollow but I really can relate to what you're saying and the pain you're living through.

Please know you're not alone.