I want to be alone... and that's okay. More than okay. Good.

[politicat]

Several years ago, I inherited a group of people. Sometimes friends, sometimes acquaintances. I didn't really seek most of them out -- they came as a package. They were fun... but they brought a lot of drama. They also brought a lot of -- what I can now look back on and actually identify -- crushing self-esteem, image and worth issues. I don't think I was very happy around them, but the world says people should have friends, right?

Almost a year ago, several small issues gave me a respite from these people -- one couple in the collection broke up and it turned into "let's all comfort one and reject the other" (the other happening to be my closest friend); another couple entered into an utterly ill-advised, abusive marriage (that is now breaking up); there were multiple affairs (all out in the open and oh so civilized but the undercurrents weren't so oh so civilized which made it uncomfortable to watch)... and I got to spend a month in another state, helping a relative recover from major surgery.

That's when I started pulling away -- when I realized that I could breathe better when I wasn't in the midst of all that nonsense.

It's taken a long time to break free, to disconnect and push them all away. Right now, I really want to do something unforgivable and burn a bridge, walk away with a smile on my face and never look back, but that's the childish part of me.

The rest of me is just happy to have the peace and quiet, the leisure to rebuild my certainty in myself, my work, my beliefs and to maintain my mental space and health. That's worth forgoing the brilliant and beautiful #$^@ off gesture.

Therapists (and hey, I've got that piece of paper) often tell clients not to isolate themselves, but being around destructive people is just as bad as being completely isolated. Maybe worse. I'm more than okay with the idea of rebuilding, but I'm going to enjoy this season of rest and tranquility.

[elleng]

1. Congrats, politicat!

and let me tell you that being around destructive people IS WORSE than being isolated; I was married to one and I think became depressed largely because of it.

[Forkboy]

2. Society puts a lot of pressure on people who want to be alone.

If you're not all chummy with people they think there's something wrong with you. The concept that some people are totally happy being alone is foreign to all too many people. I spend at least 98% of my time alone and wouldn't want it any other way.

Good luck to you, and enjoy the peace and quiet. :)

[mopinko]

3. good for you. sounds like me

and my family. there are a few good people in there, but for the most part they have done as you say- belittled me, undermined my sense of self, wasted my time. it's a little harder to walk away from than friends, but something i really needed.
i didn't have a big f*&^off intentionally, but one sister thoughtlessly forwarded an email that caused a blow up. it had been simmering for a while, and i was just as glad to having it boil over and be done.

i am of both minds, tho, about solitude. sometimes i think complete solitude would be perfect for me, and hope some day i get it in larger doses than i do now. but i also have a deep need for others, even tho it is really hard for me. there are a lot of people out there that i just rub the wrong way, frighten, even, and somehow that always screws things up.