Are you a loner by choice or circumstance?

[FarLeftRage]

For me it's by circumstance, I can't seem to meet anyone that I'd like to share my time with...

How about you?

And why?

[bemildred]

1. Born introvert, obvious in childhood, never wanted to change. nt

[chaska]

2. In a sense you're asking 'do we choose our personalities?'

Who knows, but I think there are degrees of introversion. Some of us need more time alone than others. And it's circustantial to a degree too. Sometimes you feel like a nut.... (does everybody remember that commercial?). Sometimes I want to be with people (usually certain individuals ... okay always with certain individuals, and never with groups of people). There are rare occasions and circumstances when I feel sociable, but my tolerance is low. I can't be with people for very long without getting really tired.

There's a lot more to this, I think. It's not a simple question or subject. People are complex. We Solitaires most notably so.

[NotNInch]

21. Wow, can I relate . . .

I too am exhausted after any group activities, even family gatherings. I look forward to occasional family get-togethers, but am soon waiting for them to be over.

You worded that so well. I never had the insight to realize what was happening until I read your words.

I certainly realized that I avoided gatherings, but never linked it to the resulting exhaustion. Interesting!

Thanks for the insight.

[GOPFighter]

25. You expressed my feelings better than I ever could

I like people...as an observer. I hate small talk. Large, loud group functions exhaust me. My dream vacation is a week hiking alone in the wild.

[leeroysphitz]

82. Tired. That's it in a nutshell.

I can't tolerate gatherings and avoid them to a fault.

Even family gatherings with people I love. They aren't necessarily unpleasant but they are invariably exhausting or draining unless, perhaps, I'm VERY drunk. (Honestly)

I often fantasize about living completely alone. In my own space somewhere, an apartment by myself. It's so appealing but my wife and my son are the only people in the world I can manage even a minimal level of intimacy with and so I'm afraid.

Other people never seem to understand a need to avoid socializing.

[DemExpat]

3. I would say both....

being an expat has reinforced some of my natural tendencies to be a loner, but I also do not mind being this way, and have learned to stand up for my needs for alone time in a busy family.

DemEx

[LWolf]

4. both

I've always been somewhat of an introvert; raised as an only child by a single working parent, with no (zero, none, nonexistent) extended family, I grew up keeping myself company. I'm still most comfortable on my own; if I don't get time and space to myself, it stresses me.

My boys are grown, and I have 2 failed marriages behind me; 10 -12 years each. Apparently, I'm not that easy to live with. The break-up of the second marriage was devastating, and not my choice at all. I thought we had a good partnership; there was part of me that was relieved that there was someone in the world I could relate to well enough for that kind of relationship. He agreed; he thanked me for "teaching him how to be a partner" before he transferred his partnership elsewhere.

Having "gotten over" the loss of my partner, I'm content on my own. After years of marriage, and raising kids, I've found that I really don't want to share my time or space with anyone. Friends are great, but my home is my sanctuary from being "needed." All of my relationships have always been based on what everybody else needed, as mom, wife, and even daughter. The only way to meet my own need for time, quiet, and space, is to create a living space that I don't share.

I'm not closed to the possibility of future relationships; but I sure view them a lot differently than I used to. A relationship based on pleasure in each other's company, not need of any kind; a partner who was self-secure enough that he didn't need to be the center of my universe. Someone I can be myself with, with complete acceptance.

If that's not out there, I'm fine with that, too.

[DireStrike]

5. Both... and neither?

- I like being alone
- I also like spending time with... well, very few people. But there ARE some!
- My social habits probably aren't very conducive to forming relationships.

So, I kinda choose to be alone... but at this point it's also a habit. A lifestyle. Tough to choose anything else. And I never chose to be uninterested in just about everyone. Not that I remember, anyway.

[Skittles]

6. very much by choice

I've had several offers of marriage; yes INDEED

[RaleighNCDUer]

7. By circumstance. About the only public setting I enjoy is doing

community theater. And working 2 jobs, 60 hrs/wk, makes committment to a show difficult, if not impossible. I don't do church, don't socialize with co-workers, so until I can let go of the 2nd job, my prospects are very limited.

That given, I don't do much to change my situation, so Choice plays a big part.

[HEAVYHEART]

8. By choice

[flaminbats]

9. I love being on everyone's ignore list..goosh it makes me feel soo special

This means the only effect of anything new I post will be to put me on another Newbies ignore list, and everything I post in response to a longtime poster has no effect..except on an occasional visitor.

Still..I could be on everyone's ignore list without contributing money to DU. I made my posts by choice, but with the assumption that readers who disagreed wouldn't take them personally. The real question is how long do I go on posting unread messages? At least they believe in dialog at Bartcop and Democrats.com..

[FarLeftRage]

12. ????

What???

What does this have to do with the poll questions I have asked?

I don't understand where you are coming from, would you like to talk about it?

People are ignoring you because?

[flaminbats]

18. c...hijacking threads

;)

[FarLeftRage]

19. Well... by all means

Whatever thrills you, I guess :D

[Stardust]

83. You're not on my Ignore List yet

[LWolf]

10. both?

Given other circumstances, I don't know what I'd be.

I was an only child of a single working parent with NO extended family. We moved every year. I grew up leaving friends behind, and learning not to get to attached to anyone. I was a latchkey kid before the term was coined. I spent countless hours alone. Somewhere in adolescence, with all of the moves, I decided that it wasn't worth it to try to insert myself into social groups every time I moved; I was always the "new kid," and never any place long enough to "belong," so I just quit trying. No siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and the grandparents died or were left behind very early.

Is it any wonder I grew up liking books and animals better than people? I honestly don't know how I would have responded if I'd grown up in a different environment. My mom, the extrovert, was constantly trying to make me more "outgoing." She'd set up social events with kids my age, and socialize with families that had kids my age, and get her friends to "co parent" me. It didn't work. I resisted most of her efforts, was embarrassed when she tried to act like her friends considered us "family." They all had families of their own; we were "charity" cases, and I resented it.

I tried. I really did. When I graduated from high school I married a guy who was one of 5 children, with plenty of extended family. I got along great with all of them, fit in just fine, until the divorce. Then I discovered that they weren't really "family." I probably wouldn't have married again, if it hadn't been a childhood friend that I'd never forgotten after all of the moves; his parents had "parented" me; I'd grown up with he and his brother. I knew him, and I trusted him. Guess what? When he suffered his midlife crisis and evicted me in favor of the younger woman at work, I was evicted from the family, too. It was harder the 2nd time, since I had longer connections to those people.

These days, with my boys grown and my mom out of state, I am literally a family of one. I have some friends; I hold them at arms length. We see each other occasionally, but not regularly. Generally, it's just me, the cat, horses, dogs, and hen. And the books. And I find myself content.

Part of the "choice" is self-protection. And, really, I come with way too much baggage for relationships. I'm a great friend, and can be fun to hang out with casually. But I'm not easy to live with, and the longer I spend as the ultimate "loner," the more jealously I guard my space. I'm at peace, and more content. I find too much time spent with others to be draining.

Is that choice, or not?

[FarLeftRage]

13. Yes, to a certain extent

You're saying and I understand that circumstances of loneliness eventually led to a choice of being alone.

Please correct me if I'm am wrong in my assessment.

[LWolf]

14. Sort of.

I think I'm saying that the circumstance of aloneness led to poor social skills, and discomfort in groups or extended periods of time with people. Discovering more comfort alone eventually led to it becoming a choice.

[FarLeftRage]

15. Your circmustances are alot like mine

Making 10 moves in 10 years, I was unsettled from age 7 to 17.

My socialization process was not nurtured properly.

Always the "new kid" and never belonging to a group.

But somehow I overcame very few of the shortfalls that I experienced.

Thus, that is why the future looks more uncertain to me and a lot of other loners, because there was no continuity in our childhoods.

[LWolf]

16. I believe that.

The one thing I've consistently yearned for are roots; I'm moving again this summer; a move that's been in the works for more than a decade. To make it happen financially, I will be compromising my lifestyle of choice. Given the $$ resources to back me, I'd pick one place that "fit," and never move again. Ever.

If I can find a compromise that allows me to keep my horses with me, rather than board them out, this may be the last move.

[FarLeftRage]

17. Speaking of roots

I moved back to my hometown in 1987 and have been there ever since.

So, I guess my moving days are over... but I can't say that never is never, tho.

[NotNInch]

20. LWolf : Amazing to Read Your Posts . . . Except for the horses and hens

our lives and the paths we've chosen have been very similar.

I too was an only child raised by a single mother, or at least she was single off and on. I attended 13 different grade schools before entering junior high. Mom then decided that I needed a little more stability while I finished school. We still moved but stayed within the same school district. Lotsa and lots of step-dads. She just never gave up believing that the perfect man was out there. She is still looking for him.

I married young and had two sons. Within 3 years we bought a small home and I'm still there. I will never leave this bit of earth, although the marriage ended in divorce after 13 years. I was a stay-at-home mom, and began to suspect that my husband was messing around. I took charge, got my head together, found a job, and asked him to leave. Never will know if he was really cheating and it doesn't matter anymore. He fought the divorce but I was determined. It took me years and a couple other long term relationships to realize that I subjugate myself to the other in my life. Pleasing them became my end-all and eventually I caught on that they were never going to reciprocate. It's just not worth the effort and probably the ones I picked or more likely, that picked me.

I did pretty well in my "job" with a large corporation. Being eager to please gets you a long way. I was one of those women in a mans job in the 70's, determined to prove to the world that a woman could do anything a man could. After six years I was moved into management, during the "token" women period. I stayed with the company until I retired a couple years ago.

Life is great when I have some control and can do what I want, when I want sometimes, without always putting someone else first. I think its the "always" that was the problem. In retrospect, I realized that they never put me first. Why should they . . . I was too damn eager to please, they didn't have to.

I have been happily alone now for ten years and have no desire to change that. Life is simple, calm, and without turmoil. My boys are married with families and live within two miles of their old family home, mine. They are great dads and husbands and I am amazed and delighted at their success. My daughter-in-laws are great.

I also detest large groups of people, crowds, and especially shopping. Never could handle the mix and mingle bit. I could go on and on . . . Whoops, I have. Sorry about that.

I just looked into this group this morning and am beside myself with the posts that I've read. It's kinda like I belong, but again I feel this tug saying "don't get involved, keep your distance".

[LWolf]

22. Welcome.

:hi:

Chime in when you feel called, keep your distance when the "tug" demands it, and thank you for sharing. It's good to hear good outcomes.

[NotNInch]

23. LWolf : Thank you for the warm welcome

I already feel right at home and have learned so much simply reading a few posts.

[FarLeftRage]

24. Welcome..

and thanks for sharing your experiences.

[shanti]

65. geez, you sound like me...

ex military brat who moved several times and made me very shy (not that it wasn't probably in my makeup anyway, but still...). i'm still very much an introvert, although not shy anymore, raising my last son (3 more years - yeah!) who is an extreme extrovert (got it from his dad).

i think we both sort of annoy each other because of our differences in personalities, but i make the effort to be "out there" for him, although it exhausts me, physically and emotionally. he has many friends that he likes to have just "drop in", which really gets me edgy too. to top it off, our house is very small, so there's really no place to get away from one another except our respective bedrooms. he doesn't understand my hermit lifestyle either, but i make no apologies for it - that's just me!

[kaitykaity]

11. By choice, absolutely.

I've been in a long-term "long-distance" relationship for
about eight years. He comes and sees me about once a month
or so, stays for a day or so, then leaves again. Works for
both of us.

He always asks me why I don't try for somebody more local,
more involved, and I tell him I don't do every day. I like
my peace and quiet and solitude way too much.

[devilgrrl]

26. Curcumstance leading to choice.

Throughout my childhood, teens and adult life I've never fit it with anybody. Was picked on non-stop at school and home, our house was very tense, angry, antagonistic and spirit busting. Relationships with the opposite sex have always been a disaster, I never had confidence in myself in that area to begin with. My father split when I was 5, we've never been close and he died before we had a chance to patch things up. The relationship with my father left me thinking, A: You don't cut it honey. and B: Men leave anyway, so don't bother. So, I gave up with intimate relationships. As far as other people are concerned... I've got friends but I don't let them get too close (they seem to leave all the time to). So, I've become accustom to hanging out alone with my cats. It can be lonely at times but it's for the better.

[FarLeftRage]

27. Your reply saddened me

Of course, I know that this sort of thing goes on... so it's not uncommon.

Peace to you.

[devilgrrl]

28. Now that I'm finding out that there are legions of us...

it makes the situation easier to deal with. It also makes me feel better when I can empathize with other loners with similar difficulties.

[chaska]

30. Okay, exactly how many personalities do you have?

:-) :hug:

[Desertrose]

29. I think both

at first it was more my choice....now it may be as much circumstance...can't say I really worry about it overmuch tho.

I am content with my life...for now anyhow :evilgrin:

[AgadorSparticus]

31. definitely choice. the people i'm close to happen to live in other states

and i haven't gotten around to making new friendships. i keep saying that i will join some group but i never do. i guess i'm pretty content with my life.

[Piperay]

32. Both

circumstances seemed to lead that way but then when I am given the choice I make the decision to be alone. :shrug:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

33. I grew up with

a family situation that was guaranteed to create loners, but I feel torn between being a loner and craving intimacy.

I don't do well in large, noisy groups, in the sense of either being able to meet and greet people easily or being able to handle the sensory overlaod.

I also don't do well in relationships where people don't give me any space. Perhaps that's the result of having a mother and grandmother who didn't give me any breathing room as I was growing up.

Yet some of the happiest times in my life were in romantic relationships, and I don't particularly like living alone.

[JitterbugPerfume]

34. I guess a little of both

I found myself alone seven years ago when my husband died

and now I can not imagine being any other way I enjoy my solitude

[raccoon]

81. Everything you wrote could've been written by me until I

got to your last paragraph.

In my case, I'd say for the most part, the happiest times in my life were when I wasn't in a romantic relationship, and I do like living alone.

[Spider Jerusalem]

35. I seem condemned to it by neurology.

Not that I mind much. I've always been very introverted. I have no small talk. I find large groups of people excruciating, most social occasions pointless and exhausting, and am generally happiest in my own company or with one or maybe two good friends.

[Freebird12004]

36. by choice

I can be with others but I wear hearing aids and it's easier to be alone.

[FarLeftRage]

38. I wear a hearing aid...

I can still pretty much hear the noisy din of other souls around me.

[ernstbass]

37. I would love to be in a relationship

with a member of the opposite sex but then I wonder how much. I turn down dates and i'm not putting myself "out there" so to speak. I am increasingly comfortable being alone and most people just aren't worth the trouble.

[FarLeftRage]

39. I also desire to be in a relationship

I can't turn down dates, because none are offered.
I don't put myself out on the scene either, I know I have been disappointed too many times before... So, I gave up looking and painfully accepted my loneliness for what it is...

[Freebird12004]

40. before I quit lookin - I was on 9 match sites

[FarLeftRage]

41. I was on 4 of them...

No replies from 3 of the 4.
The ones that did reply were fundy wackos.

[Freebird12004]

43. too many miles

The men that I found interesting were to far for coffee dates.
Anything over 50 miles rarely worked out.

[FarLeftRage]

44. I thought I was isolated...

here in Upstate New York... I guess it is the same in other places too.

[Freebird12004]

45. we are both thinking the same thing

because I live in up-state New York too.

The Hudson Valley is beautiful - but not a great place for a single baby boomer.

[FarLeftRage]

46. I live in the Adirondacks...

Still a bit of a distance and beautiful as well.

[Freebird12004]

47. see --- miles --- lots of miles

I plan to do a bit of riding my Trike up that a way after the thaw.

It makes the miles fun.

[FarLeftRage]

48. After the thaw

I do plan on getting together again with some other DUers that I had met last fall.
We'll probably get together somewhere in the Lake George region.
If you're interested in meeting us (3 or 4), just let me know and I'll keep you posted about it.

[Freebird12004]

49. sure - that might be nice

Lake George is about 2 1/2 to 3 hours drive from my home. I'm planning to buy a trailer to haul my Trike to places that I want to ride if I feel the roads between home and there aren't choice ones for a motorcycle. I don't plan to ride my Trike on the Thruway.

[Wapsie B]

42. I'd say both.

I need my time alone to recharge. Large groups or just dealing with lots of people during the day just suck the life out of me.
But friendship-wise I just haven't met people I want to share time with. A lot of people bore the hell out of me. Not that I'm Mr. Excitement.

[Hello_Kitty]

72. You're right. Most people are boring.

Which is OK. There's nothing wrong with that. I think I'm pretty boring too. But so many boring, tiresome people need the constant ego-stroking and reassurance that I'm not willing to give.

[lala_rawraw]

50. oops... wrong door.

[flaminbats]

51. I'm a loner because of arrogance and fear..

I'm afraid to admit when I am wrong. I act proud and self-righteous when others are modest. When I make a mistake I mock others and their flaws. I claim to be a Democrat but have sacrificed nothing for democracy or world peace. I swear to fight for the weak and disabled, but I lie and fight because of greed. I would share my time with any who would, but this would destroy all who shared time with me.

[FarLeftRage]

53. Hmm....

A most interesting answer yet to this thread.

Seriously though, have you thought about some kind of clinical assistance for your arrogance and fear?

[flaminbats]

86. no I haven't

but instead of paying for it..I have chosen to discuss this problem with others. sometimes listening to how others have confronted these problems unsuccessfully, helps by demonstrating what doesn't work.

[Stardust]

84. Am rethinking that Ignore List thing . I admire your brutal honesty

but the substance disturbs me some. Maybe because there might be a few of those traits in all of us? You sound young. Time will come when you don't exactly accept others' flaws, but you can overlook them more easily. The opportunity for sacrifice isn't everpresent, but I promise you, it will be there one day, then another day, then another. And you will.

[u4ic]

52. Circumstance

I'm disabled and it's very difficult for me to get out, and to meet people. I have CFIDS and Fibromyalgia - not only am I in a lot of pain, but I really don't have much strength, or stamina. For the most part, I'm housebound (used to be bedridden, but thank goodness not anymore).

I am in a live in relationship with a wonderful man who's also very busy. I have a couple of family members who live in my city; my retired father and I are pretty close, my sister is extremely busy but we do talk/meet when we get the chance, and another sister I prefer not to deal with...only when I have to. I do have a friend and her daughter that I keep in touch with on a regular basis, but other than that...

I lost a number of friends when I became sick...not being able to go out and do things put the kaibosh on friendships. :(

[FarLeftRage]

54. I'm sorry to hear this

At least you're not totally isolated.

Peace to you.

[u4ic]

55. Thank you for your kind words...n/t

[onager]

56. Both, I reckon (Warning: Rambling Screed...)

I can't believe it took me so long to find this group! And what a great idea!

Another cranky old curmudgeon-guy here, from Los Angeles--a great city for loners. :) I grew up in the rural, Buybull-thumping South, where the Church/Avon Ladies were always sticking their noses into your business. Ain't like that here.

I've lived in L.A. since...oh, the frigging Gold Rush, I think. I work for a large aerospace company that LOVES my single-no-dependents status. They know they can shove a plane ticket at me anytime and I'm off. e.g., I just spent a month in Egypt. This works out well because I love doing that. "Two months shuttling between Tokyo, Seoul and Taipei? Sign me right up!"

So how did I get to be such an obviously lonely, depressed and generally Worthless Unmated Person, according to Conventional Wisdom? ;-)

In what seems to be a common theme here, I was an only child. My father did construction and stayed away from home a lot, my mother usually worked. (And I get really pissed off when Repugs attack working mothers, but that's another rant.)

My whole family is sort of strange. (Aren't they all?) One of my childhood role models was an aunt who never married or had kids. She was quite lovely and had plenty of dates. (When I was like 8 and 9, she used to take me along sometimes if she wasn't quite sure about the guy.)

She made a big impression on me. She worked, always had a nice car, and took off to the beach etc. whenever she felt like it. (She still does, and my 74-yr-old mother goes with her. They both still like to dance.) She lived her life as she pleased, and just sloughed off all the small-town rumors and gossip. You can imagine what they were.

I left the South, joined the Marines, got sent to hedonistic Southern California, and got married. We called it quits after 4 years with no acrimony or bitterness. We both realized we had gotten married too young...she was right out of high school...and wanted different things.

THIS WILL SOUND AWFUL. I've had quite a few relationships since then, but I have to admit....when they ended, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I felt like my life was my own again.

I've resigned myself to the fact that I will probably Shuffle Off This Mortal Coil when I have a final apoplectic fit watching Tucker Carlson or Howie F-ing Kurtz on TV some Sunday morning...and nobody will know until the neighbors notice the strange smell.

Well, no. I'm going to be like Mrs. Winchester of San Jose...the woman who kept building on her house because some phony asshat psychic told her she would live forever if she did that. This place is STUFFED with books I haven't read, movies I haven't watched, and items from my Weird Hobby (building intricate scale models).

I refuse to die until I've completed all these projects.

As some smart person once said: "I have a small life, but it fits me."

[RevCheesehead]

57. My job keeps moving me around (yes, I'm a pastor).

That prevents me from meeting people. And I'm always afraid of the "next move" that will send me packing, once again, to learn names of congregational members.

By doing the psychological profiles for ministry, I learned that I am an introvert, who has learned to function in an extroverted world. I need my private time to recharge. Visitations are exhausting to me. When church is over, I go home and take a nap. I have no desire to go out and socialize with church people - and in this small town, there are few other opportunities to meet new people.

So I found DU, and have been spending progressively more time here (yes, the pun is intended). The nice thing about the net, is that you can simply walk away when you want - no excuses needed.

I am the stereotypical middle-aged woman with no relationship and three cats. Yes, it gets lonely - especially when my personal life takes sudden turns, and there's nobody there to talk to. So I talk to my cats.

[Brewman_Jax]

58. Both for me

The abridged version--small of stature (finished growing in college) high school nerd went to a nerd college (males outnumbered females at least 3-1); 6 yrs. in the Navy (women don't seem to like absentee boyfriends; we averaged 6 out of 12 months out to sea); had a roommate whose brother stayed in the apartment while we were gone, found that he didn't pay the bills and stole money (haven't had a roommate since); got out, worked part-time jobs for 2-1/2 yrs 'til I got a full-time job (found that I don't feel like date material without a steady income)

Very eclectic in interests, different in appearance. Hard to find any woman I'd like to spend time with--or would like to spend time with me. Seem to place second or less in the priority category.

I saw the poor choices my parents made and don't want to look back on the wreckage that would be my life. Maybe because it's easier to avoid the pain of rejection rather that wade into the possibilities.

I just feel small right now. :(

Good topic--thanks. :thumbsup:

[bluedonkey]

59. I just never fit in anywhere

Not even in my own family and after a while I stopped trying.I have a few friends I like,but mostly spend time with my dogs,cats or whatever critter comes in my yard and needs help.
I like my life.

[Mnemosyne]

60. Hi All! Both.

Had a 10 year marriage and ended a 12 year live in relationship last year. I'd rather be alone than taken advantage of and used. I could get that from my "half family" as they have always pointed out to me. Thank God, I knew I couldn't be completely related to those people! No compassion and judge you by how much you make and how much you own. If you have money you are smart, dumb = poor. Never was one of "them".

I am lucky to have a few great friends, but also hold them at a certain arms length. It's very difficult to trust anyone when you were raised to not be able to trust even your parents.

I would someday like to meet someone, if he also liked his privacy. But if it never happens I can be perfectly content in my home alone.

I have found that being alone and being lonely are most definitely 2 very different creatures.

Thanks to all of you for sharing here, it makes me feel welcomed somehow.

:hi: :grouphug: :yourock:

[shanti]

66. you've got that right, sister!

that you'd rather be alone than be in a bad relationship. but you don't find that out until the other party is gone!

also, i keep my (2) friends at arms length too. i learned to do this as i tend to latch on easily, which of course, makes the other person pull away. so i learned to pull away, and stay away, myself. it feels a whole lot better!

:hug: back atcha!

[Jamastiene]

61. Circumstance

I'd give anything to be with the person I always dreamed of and then met and then got rejected by. The deck just seems sooo stacked against me when it comes to changing the loner state for me, so I endure.

[Binka]

62. By Choice I Got So Damn Tired Of Men Who Want Beautiful But Not Strong

I have a serious beauty thingy going on and it sucks. When I was younger I was fat and homely and I didn't blossom until I was 22. Then I had to beat guys off with sticks and I didn't do very well because I was nice and trusting. I had always been a loner and a big reader and all the attention made me feel so weird. I had a hard time saying NO. So I married young 24 and had 3 children in 5 years.

Then I left him. I had to leave the kids behind to get away. But men would never leave me alone. I could not even sit at a fucking bus stop without getting hit on by every fucker driving past. I cut my hair I got really stupid funky glasses it didn't work. I am 5-9 and a runner and my body reflects that. I have legs to my neck and my neck is pretty long as well. I was single for a very long time and was happy. Finished school had a job I loved....THEN Mr Narcissistic liar entered my life. It took 5 years of hell to break free from him but we have a daughter together, he doesn't much care but he is a constant pest. We have run off to Sicily to be on our own.

I like it here. Here is a photo of my darling daughter.



See what I mean? And men will not leave her alone either. She is much tougher than I was. Now I'm quite formidable and she is being taught well. I like being alone with my girl. I missed the others growing up.

[shanti]

67. she IS little cutie!

enjoy your time with her, it goes by so fast!

[shrike]

63. It's my nature

I always craved solitude -- and grew up in a very large family. I used to either shut myself in my room or go hiking or biking to get away from him. My father admitted to me after I became an adult that he often feared I was mentally ill.

I need LOTS of alone time. I do mean LOTS. That's one of the reasons I never had kids -- when you have children, you're never alone. Ironically enough, I'm married to an extrovert. But it works for us -- we give each other a lot of freedom. He makes sure I don't turn into a total hermit and I force him to slow down and contemplate the world occasionally. I call myself an emotional cactus: I don't need much sustenance to survive.

So I have him, a few casual friends, my family, lots of acquaintances, business contacts, two cats and a dog and that's enough for me. Most of my pursuits -- reading, gardening, working out, bird-watching -- are solitary ones. We belong to one club for bicycling and that's it. I also work at home, which is a godsend. Don't know how I did the office thing -- complete with the high heels, pantyhose, business suits -- for as long as I did.

[applegrove]

64. Both. Circumstances make is so - so I am so grateful I am such a

self-contained unit. Some day soon it will pick up - and I will be free to make friends and move on again. But for now - security is the most important thing. I consider myself lucky.

[Trigger Hippie]

68. Both, for me.

I've always been shy, only a couple of friends, MUST spend time alone or I get really cranky. But I would like to spend more time with people, if I was able to actually make friends without having a nervous breakdown. :)

:hi:

[mcscajun]

69. Some of both, but not by personality.

I live by myself due to my own choice, I'm alone (in terms of not having a relationship) partly by circumstance (nobody's knocking down the door) and partly by choice (a -- I'm picky, and b -- I'm not looking).

I have lots of friends that I see socially, and family close by I go out with on occasion, but I generally have no problem being by myself and entertaining myself: going to restaurants and movies alone, even travelling alone, hold no terrors for me. :)

When I get the urge to see someone, I make a call.

[bushisanidiot]

70. I'd say it's a little bit of both. I'm 38 and finally realized last year

that i don't need to feel sorry for myself because i have a hard time socially. i've always been a loner and i finally accepted that about myself as a fact. sure, i'd like to have more friends.. and i'm working on that, but i'm finally past feeling like there's something wrong with me. god made me a loner. no big deal. well.. except that it get's kinda lonely sometimes. heh.. snort!

[AuntieM1957]

71. Definitely a nature driving a choice

under circumstances where I've lived with another, I've not been happy.

When I first read Walden, I thought Thoreau's little experiment sounded like sheer bliss. Surprised was I to learn that some thought he was making a sacrifice to live apart from others.

Obviously, I like other human beings. We all must because here we are on this board exchanging ideas.

I just love being able to come home at the end of the day and not have to make conversation.

Beginning to wonder if my chaotic childhood is the reason I so crave serenity now. Here, no one yells. Except me.

[sagesnow]

73. My Mother used to tell me I was born waving a flag of independence.

I have said since high school that I would be happy being a hermit on a mountain top. Apparently, I was born an introvert.

Cocktail party small talk (ie:listening to different versions of baby stories from women and fishing or sports stories from men at parties) is intensely boring and boredom is nearly painful to endure.

Occasionally, I am attracted to educated people and spend time with people smart enough to converse about politics, history, psychology, ecology, etc. on a one to one basis.

I enjoy reading and nature walks and photography. I am very much a visual thinker and often find it hard to pull words out of my head when I have a very complex picture in mind about the subject I am thinking about.

I am divorced because I do not like to converse about mundane happenings and I tire quickly from listening to the same old daily complaints that occur in relationships. My response to complaint is "fix it or quietly accept it". I can empathize with people from afar but listening to complaining, emotional drivel up close is excruciating. Sorry, I have enough personal problems of my own without loading my mind up with others.
I do have empathy on a larger social scale and believe that helping people get education and find jobs and live in a safe, clean environment should be the main focus of the Democratic party platform that I will work for.
Sorry to have gone on. I enjoyed the postings elsewhere on this forum about books for loners. "Party of One" for example. Helped assure me that I'm not alone and not bad.

[MN ChimpH8R]

74. Great forum!

Can't believe I've been around DU for months and didn't find this group until now.

I've been an extreme loner all of my life and never knew why until six months ago when I was diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome.
The best analogy I've heard for Aspies in greater society is that most people are dogs - social by nature, terribly concerned with getting along and fitting in with the "pack" and determining their status therein. Dogs care about what other dogs think of them.

Aspies, however, are cats. Cats couldn't care less what other cats think of them, pursue their own interests and go their own way. Unfortunately, dogs run society and make all of the rules. It's hard to be a cat in such circumstances. We can't and don't understand dog thinking but have to live in a social world governed totally by dog norms. It is a very hard go.

With Asperger's you're born with different brain wiring and you don't intuitively learn things that come naturally to neurotypicals. Everything gets processed through the logic centers and there is an impaired degree of social intuition. I have virtually none. I can learn a script, but that's about it. I cannot respond to new, uncontrolled social situations for which I have no script so I just shut down and go away. Those situations are just too stressful.

I know, intellectually, that people send nonverbal signals all the time, and that I probably do too, but I have no program for understanding what they mean or how to respond to them. I am stuck with my social awkwardness for the rest of my life and there is nothing I can do about. If a kid is diagnosed AS, intervention can produce good results, but I didn't get a diag until I was in my mid-40s.

Not being able to go with the flow is the kiss of death in chatty, flirting type of situations, and for me, it would be easier to stand on my head and stack marbles. I cannot send or receive "hints" of interest; I can only say what I know and I have a tendency to take people very literally. I've been told by my therapist that most people tend to make an assessment of a new person within minutes of meeting them, and I have no skills to make a favorable impression.

You can learn to fake it, and I can in certain situations, but I simply cannot walk up to a stranger and introduce myself. If said stranger is a woman I find attractive, I will head for the other side of the room or do anything to avoid her. I cannot dissemble or "just chat." I have to talk about somthing specific.

And that's why in my 40+ years I have had one drunken hookup (early 1980s when I got dragged rather unwillingly along as a wingman on a friend's double date) and have never had a real date, girlfriend or relationship. I can't play by the dog world's rules so I am disqualified from the game.

The killer is that my (female) therapist says I would make some woman a terrific boyfriend because I am considerate, laid back, bright and funny. But I have none of the social skills necessary to ever get over the first hurdles and to that point. My extreme shyness is mistaken for awkwardness, arrogance and coldness. That isn't it at all, but I am terrified of looking like a fool because of my lack of social intuition. I wear nice clothes, pay attention to personal grooming and cleanliness, etc, but that doesn't matter.

That straight men are always expected to make the first move is something that intimidates a lot of men (including me) to death. The person being asked has all of the power, the one doing the asking has NONE. The asker is putting himself out there on the line, always with a high possibility of getting his self-esteem crushed like Wile E. Coyote under an anvil. Women and gay guys can always wait to be approached, should they choose to do so. Straight guys must always make the first move.

After a lot of thought and research, I have decided to look for a potential wife internationally when I have the financial resources to do so. The only service I would work with is a family run business created by a US native and his Vietnamese wife. He also runs a Yahoo group on which members discuss their experiences with all aspects of the international meeting/ dating/marriage process including the legal and cultural issues. This couple is totally legit - the guy's wife gave him the idea for the service while they still lived in VN and her family does all of the on-the-ground work in Saigon, including interviewing the women who want to register. They screen all the men and women who want to use their service and reject 10-15% of the women and 30-35% of the men because of ulterior motives or other issues. Try anything funny, and you're booted out on your arse with no refund or hope of reinstatement. Many of the women have college or graduate degrees and speak English.

I suppose that part of a VN woman's motivation might be to get to the US and try to make a better life, but part of my motivation is to find a smart, attractive young woman who is fun to be with. (Hey, I've never had a girlfriend - what's wrong with going after what I find most attractive before I get any older?) Ultimately, if there is real commitment and caring, that transcends the second- or third-tier issues.

I was most surprised by the reaction of my therapist, who I'll call L. She thought this was a great idea and urged me to pursue it as soon as it is financially feasible. She thinks that a mediated situation, where you communicate only with women who are interested via e-mail, letter or phone for a while would be perfect for me.

In F2F situations, people make judgments about each other in a few seconds or a couple of minutes. I have no "meet and flirt" skills whatsoever and usually make a bad-to-awful first impression. That turns women off IMMEDIATELY. Get shot down as often and as viciously as I have been over the years and there's a lot of insecurity. Besides, I have no idea of what to talk about. With the service, before I met anyone, we would have had the chance to get to know each other by more indirect routes for a while. As L. pointed out, we would both be on somewhat unfamiliar territory, and that in a more traditional culture, things move more slowly and more seriously than casual western dating. And I'd have plenty to ask her about and tell her about!

I don't have any particular desire to spend years dating for the sake of dating; while I may be in my early 20s emotionally and socially, I am rather older than that.

L also thinks that it might well be a disaster for me to get involved with an "experienced" woman roughly of my generation. Let's face it, there are plenty of people (men AND women) out there in their 30s and 40s who are screwed up, have a ton of baggage, are manipulative or are bitter and carrying a chip on their shoulders. L thinks that I would be unlikely to recognize such a person at the outset and would probably get emotionally destroyed if I happened to cross the path of such a woman. I don't have any baggage or any experience in dealing with other people's.

I probably always will be more a loner than a social animal, but I am determined to try and find someone when I have the resources to do so. And where I am now is a lot better than the suicidal place I was in the summer of '04.

[LeftyElvis]

75. I've always been a loner

I'm told I'm pretty smart but I don't relate to people very well and I've never had a real relationship with a girl. I dated a lot in high school but backed off when it got to close. I kind of gave up on girls because I have an embarrassing condition. My penis is only about 3 inches when erect and not very big around. I have been saving for an operation I can get but it is frustrating not to be able to date. I also don't hang out with men friends either because all of them seem interested in sports and not the things I like. I'm into old country music and hybrid pop stuff like Elvis put out. I absolutely refuse to be around any repukes and there are plenty around here.

[Stardust]

85. Some of the sweetest sex I had was with a man with a small,

somewhat flaccid penis. It nestled just perfectly into my clitoris, all lubed up warm and felt great. I never have enjoyed having my ovaries banged anyway. I'd venture to say, most women would prefer a nice slow headjob over a wham-bam anyway. There are so many other ways to play, it's just silly to concentrate on the penis. Big ones might be a turnon but they can tear you up, and rarely bring you to orgasm. So what I'm sayin', there are plenty of girls out there who really enjoy what you have to offer. Don't sell yourself short (literally.)Stock up on the warm lube and enjoy the slow ride.

[bikebloke]

76. Both

Twenty-some years ago, I was living a hyper-social life of a backpacker traveller. Especially during my Israeli hillbilly years. It was great. Now I've turned 180 degrees. More recently, I lived in a very unfriendly city. As much as I tried, I never met anyone. A few casual acquaintences at a survival job. So rather than be miserable, I adapted to my own company. And I'm quite content as a solitaire. I've got a couple online personal ads up, but I'm not inclined to pursue companionship any more than that.

[BuelahWitch]

77. I believe mine is by choice

I could very easily live as a hermit as long as I had a good shelter, food for kitty and me, books and the internet (well, maybe a TV and VCR/DVD player for my entertainment ;-). Like so many have said here, for the most part mundane trials of other people's lives (which they just HAVE to talk about) bore me to tears. Now, I do like to go to things like lectures on interesting subjects or films on same, but I have always hated bars. I don't know how to flirt well and feel sort of threatened when people make such overtures to me, and even though I've aged and gained some weight, I do still get attention from (mostly married) men.
Would I like to have some wild nookie every so often? Of course! But only if it were someone I trusted and felt comfortable enough around (and who was interesting out of bed as well as in bed).
Until that happens, I don't mind being alone.

[IronLionZion]

78. I drive people away with my hyper-sensitive paranoia

I'm so sure that everyone is out to insult me. And that doesn't mean they aren't. ;)

But somehow the flaming BS on DU doesn't bother me. :shrug:

It's a problem. I need a 12-step program or something.

There's actually a loners group? :wtf: Are you still a loner if you're in a group?

[FarLeftRage]

79. Wow!!

I can't believe this thread is still alive and kicking!!

IT"S ALIVE!!!

A quick thanks to all who have responded... I don't feel so alone anymore.

[ThatsMyBarack]

80. I guess....

....a little bit of both.