When does it quit hurting?

[BiggJawn]

It's been almost 10 years and I'm not "over" it yet.
I did everything wrong.
I didn't run right out and get laid.
I didn't stick with my friends. She'd driven 'em all off long before she cuckolded me and kicked me to the kerb.
I threw it all away and relocated. New job, new locale. Same defective social skills.
I didn't try to make new friends.
Anti-depressants didn't help.
Obviously, therapy hasn't worked. I STILL get angry and depressed over what happened...

It's really been weighing heavy on me lately...Almost 10 years...

[SlavesandBulldozers]

1. maybe it won't ever quit hurting.

but you are undoubtedly better off without somebody who doesn't appreciate you. It's never too late to start over. Don't let the hurt of the loss bleed into some kind of regret for how you handled it. Allow yourself to understand the way you handled it, and try to separate the way you handled it from from the loss you experienced. The hurt is bad enough without blaming yourself for your own natural reaction to it.
Don't look back and say "I died that day". Look back and see it as a rebirth, and lift your head up and look at the sky and all of opportunity.
You threw nothing away, but you do stand to throw everything away if you let that be the day you died.

[BiggJawn]

2. But I'm already "dead".

If you ever see a book at the store called "The Regret-Filled Life", it's probably mine. I got regrets for letting myself get sucked into that horror show that was my last marriage, instead of punching out at the first sign of trouble, and I got nothing but regets over how I've lived since.

I don't even want to TRY anymore. People let me down, fuck 'em. My therapist keeps encouraging me to join a club or something, and I say "why? As if I didn't get taken advantage of enough last time?"
I got one friend, and she's a battle casualty of the "Relationship Wars" herself.

[mrgorth]

4. I take it by your sig that you're an athiest or an agnostic

but I believe everything happens for a reason. Yes, as bad as that sucks, there was a reason for you to go through what you did even if it was for you to learn. Would you know your current friend if not for your experience? How do you know you're not the only thing keeping her from suicide. Stop thinking you should know the answers to everything. You don't and you never will.

[LWolf]

3. I don't know.

I know the hurt gets more distant, and less "present," but I don't know if it goes away.

It seems like most people deal with it by finding another relationship; when they have someone else to focus their attention on, and to fill their relationship needs, they are more easily able to "move on."

Not me. I don't want to play a role for someone, or to have them play a role for me. I only want a relationship if there is someone who unconditionally values the real, whole, me, and who I can do the same for in return. So I just don't do relationships, because there is a part of me that believes no one will ever value me in that way.

I still feel pain about my ex; the pain is about the loss of the lifelong friendship, and excellent adult partnership that I valued. It is pain because he did not value me, or our friendship and partnership, as much as I did.

When I really miss him, though, is when I need something. I look around my place and know that if he were here, he knows how to fix every broken thing, build all the projects, keep all the machines running, etc. that I don't know how to do and can't afford to pay someone else to do. I don't go looking for a relationship to fill that gap.

I also miss the feeling of having someone care about me, but that was apparently a false assumption, so I guess I'm not missing much.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

5. i dont know

but i too wish it would stop hurting...

[mrgorth]

6. I just tried

to ween myself off of 1 of the 3 anti-depressants I'm on. THat lasted about 2 days. I guess it'll never stop.

[wildhorses]

7. have you tried

forgiveness? It ain't easy but, it can be done....Don Henley said it when he wrote the song, "I think it's about forgiveness, even if you don't love me anynmore..." otherwise it will eat you up inside and you will never be able to open your heart to the good thing that is just around the corner...it is coming for you I can feel it

[LWolf]

8. Interesting.

If my ex and I had "a song," it was Henley's "End of the Innocence." We thought it was about taking a lifelong friendship that started in early childhood and allowing it to develop into something more. We found out, in the "end," that it was really about losing that which we held dearest; our strongest, longest, most passionate connection to another human being in our lifetime. The death of that connection was truly "the end of the innocence" for both of us. The pain really doesn't have anything to do with forgiveness. He needed it; I gave it immediately. He didn't want it; couldn't forgive himself, or deal with the mess we were left with. He ran; he's still running. I forgave him easily. I would have taken him back and tried to glue everything back together. At this point, 4.5 years later, I wouldn't. I'm happy with my life the way it is, and don't have room for anyone else.

Still, I'll always love him. He'll always love me. We know each other better than anyone else on the planet. And, other than the phone call I made last spring to determine my marital status when I was moving and buying another home, we have no contact of any kind. Our common friends and family, still in regular contact, never mention one to the other.

The gaping hole of loss that still brings pain isn't about whether or not we're in a relationship or not; it's about losing that relationship, that person, that made up part of who we were. It isn't about forgiveness or moving on; we hold no hard feelings, and we've both moved on to create new lives.

[wildhorses]

9. I understand your pain and

I think it is coming from a different place than BiggJawn's. Perhaps a better word for your feelings would be regret for what could have been...the loss of potential...in a lot of ways your story sounds like my second marriage except that he was NOT my true love and I was not in love with him...I still had love for him and the life that could have been built together....he ran and he is running still. I am on a different path and wish for him nothing but the best and I will always be his friend but, it was MY mistake to have married him in the first place knowing as I did that I did not have that special kind of love that one should have for one's SO.

edited for typos

[LWolf]

10. It's true that my situation doesn't fit many.

I thought it was interesting that both situations here are described by Don Henley. ;-)

[Justyce]

18. During my divorce, my cousin told me

his best advice having been there himself was, as Don Henley says, to "Learn to be Still". Seems Mr. Henley knows a thing or two about this...

[mrgorth]

11. Not an issue

I've already forgiven her. It might be fear more than anything that I'm dealing with.

[wildhorses]

12. my brother gave me some advice about fear and

although simply stated I find it to be deep and comforting:
Do not be scared to be afraid, he told me...
Think about it...what does it mean to you?

[mzmolly]

13. I'm no expert but I think the best thing one can do is ask what they have

learned? I think our relationships can be a mirror if we are willing to take an honest look.

Try and draw what positive you can from your experience and really move on. "Forgive," whatever it's called because you won't find a partner and/or happiness without said partner until you lose your bag of resentment.

I'm no expert, but that's my .02 ;)

Peace

[LWolf]

14. I've learned

but I'm still looking for a positive in the lesson/s.

I've learned never to extend trust to other humans; never to make myself vulnerable or to leave the real me open to injury.

I've learned never to count on, or depend on another human being for anything.

I've learned not to expect unconditional love or acceptance for the person that I am.

I've learned that if I'm going to be me, I'm going to be alone.

If there is anything positive in that mix, it's that I'm ok with being alone. There is a part of me still scarred, but in general I'm content with solitude.

[mzmolly]

15. You've learned what an obviously abusive person has taught you?

You can learn how to spot such a person and not to allow anyone to mistreat you again. You needn't shut people out who are potential partners unless you wish to be single. And, being single is not a "bad" decision, I just think you can empower yourself either way.

Peace :hug:

[arewenotdemo]

17. but we all depend on other human beings for all sorts of things

whether we live alone or not.

We're all a part of it all. Maybe we just don't feel it enough.

I've always thought we can't even trust ourselves (know our own motivations) completely...why should we expect to be able to trust someone else completely? Don't give up. If anything, count on the (seemingly perverse) nature of life to surprise.

Note to BiggJawn: hang in there, dude. You're OK.

[Metta]

16. It will hurt as long as you're still filled with it.

I suspect you already know that. If you want to clear yourself, this works for me when I want to clear, balance and rejunivate myself. Sit comfortably. see yourself in the middle of a perfectly formed, comfortably large circle. Give yourself whatever time for it to come into view. As you gently concentrate on its perimeter and the space inside it, it will fill with peace. You can increase this by continuing your focus and by normally breathing in and out. After you've done this for, say, a minute or so, see the circle filling with gentle, flaming gold, moving through you and all around you. Relax and breathe that in and out for awhile. It operates with and is independent of your breath. Any movement you get is a sign that you're processing what you're holding. Duration helps build the image and benefits as does frequency. A minute or so is all you need to do at any one time to get great benefits unless you want to do more. After awhile, you can do this anywhere.

[Dragonbreathp9d]

19. Its not time, but events

[mrgorth]

20. So good things need to happen to you

before you get better?