I'm not going through divorce, but my brother in law is.

[Maine-ah]

My brother in law is 12 years old. His parents (my father in law and step-mother in law) are in the process of getting divorced. (separated)

To be perfectly honest, the step-monster is crazy. She does nothing but fuck with this kids head. Example: Normally Dad has kid for weekend, and his mom has him on the weekdays. So, since christmas fell on sunday, this was an issue. It was offered that he go to his mothers for christmas, but she was back and forth on it, told him she didn't know if she wanted him there for christmas or not. (WTF?!) How can my husband and I help him out? He's getting in trouble at school, school work is definitly suffering. My sister in law is there helping him quite a bit, but she has her own kids too.


Obviously my husband has been through his parents getting divorced, but he was four years old at the time, and his sister wasn't even a year yet. My parents never got divorced, my father died when I was 21. So, any help here would be appreciated. Thanks!

[porphyrian]

1. Maybe just be a friend, and be accessible.

I'm not sure if there's anything you can do legally until custody is decided, presumably at the divorce, which may or may not remain as it is now. Maybe you can just talk directly to the kid, let him know that you know this is fucked up for him, and that you're there if he needs to talk or a place to crash or whatever (although, if the mom's crazy, you want to make sure he's got permission unless it's abuse). It's really hard to be an observer in situations like this, like watching a slow-motion train wreck. But maybe just showing you care and that you're available will help.

[Maine-ah]

2. that should be relatively easy to do

as we have already been doing this. The problem is, is that he needs to be talking with someone, but rarely does. How can we get a kid to talk? He never really wants to. Which of course he ends up acting out in other situations, i.e: school.

[porphyrian]

3. 12-year olds don't talk to adults much.

Forcing it usually makes it worse. I'd say just continue what you're doing, maybe say your peace (or is it piece?) about your concerns, then trust him to make his decisions at a difficult time in his life. I think it's OK for you to express concern about what he's doing, just don't make him feel attacked or judged by you. Everything's changing for him, much for the worse. At the same time, he's trying to become independent and control his life. He's going to make bad decisions sometimes, just like all of us, and he's newer to it than you or I. But, if he knows he has your support regardless of his mistakes, he's likely to open up to you more. I think so, anyway, I don't really know him.