Separating but not yet separated.

[kiraboo]

I can't understand why I must leave him. At first it was clear because I thought there was somewhere I had to go. But months have passed and I have had to accept the painful reality that I am moving on alone. At times the terror I feel - at night in my own bed, or while opening the door to the house that will soon be not ours, while kissing my smallest son on his forehead after tucking him snugly into bed - it takes me aback with its sheer strength. The activities which once gave me pleasure have been abandoned because I haven't the will nor the energy to be happy. I am using all my resources just holding on to the idea that tomorrow it will be a little easier and next week yet easier, but still my doubts are nearly overpowering. And I'm so lonely. Surrounded by my children and the husband I have rejected, I have never felt as isolated as I do now.

Sometimes it seems I should stay just to avoid all of this pain.

[porphyrian]

1. Hang in there, you'll make it.

You're just so in the middle of it that you can't see beyond the horizon right now, but it really does get better. Therapy and medication help, as do friends and places like this where you can pour it out onto a screen for feedback. It will suck, probably for longer than you'd like it to, and accepting that early can help you realize the point it begins to suck less a lot quicker. I'm sorry you've got the additional complication of kids, which I thankfully didn't, but there are plenty of people here with kids who can give you pointers. You might feel lonely buy you're not alone.

[mrgorth]

2. Why do you have to leave him

Are you sure this is what you want?

[kiraboo]

3. No, I am not sure.

I am sure that, right now, I am in love with somebody else who is not interested. Were it not for this man I wouldn't leave my husband. But he opened my eyes to what I haven't had and even with him out of my life, my marriage seems so empty.

For months I dreamed my Love would come back. Adolescent, pathetic, but true. Now I am again wavering and wondering if I should leave my husband who supports me well. He loves me and though I don't feel the same, being alone is worse. Before I met my Love I was okay living with a frozen heart. I think it is possible for me to go back to that state of numbness, but it will take time. It has been four and a half months since MJC left and the numbness is slowly starting to take hold. My only conflict now is wondering what is right: to keep my family together at the expense of my happiness, or to leave and hope I'll find what is so lacking in my marriage.

I know. It's a stupid story. Even I can't believe how my life has been destroyed by something that, ultimately, must have meant nothing to the "gentleman" in question. Never have I been so well deceived; never have I been so destroyed. And it never ends.

So, yes I must leave. Alone. My life is destroyed by a fool of a man who cares for nothing but nurturing his own pain, without which he cannot exist. I'm a fucking loser.

[mrgorth]

4. The grass is always greener

you have elevated this other guy to mythic proportions. How long do you think that will last? In the meantime you have committed adultery against a man who loves and supports you. Forgive me for being frank but wake the fuck up.

[kiraboo]

5. No, your frankness is fine.

However, the "other guy" is long gone. And the fellow who loves and cares for me also likes to kick my kid and slam his face against the wall now and then.

I apologize for not submitting every detail of my situation. And don't take this the wrong way, but your counseling skills need work. -Lisa

[knowbody0]

6. run!

[kiraboo]

7. I am. It's just really scary.

And on occasion I waver.

[knowbody0]

8. it will not get less scary, kiraboo

let your son be the loadstar you follow on your path to peace. if this moron loves you but slams your son around, neither of you are safe there. i have been where you are, and for your inspiration, you will not believe the new you away from the numbness of a bad relationship. you will seriously fall in love with yourself! good luck, god speed

[mrgorth]

9. Well you didn't mention that

RUN!

[kiraboo]

10. I know. And your response was a reasonable one, if a bit harsh!

given that you weren't fully informed.

[mrgorth]

11. You have to understand

that I was the victim of adultery and I take a very victimized approach to it.

[crim son]

12. I read that earlier,

which is why I didn't tell you to fuck off. :hug:

[SPKrazy]

13. I Can Relate To That Feeling

I'm not even as far as you are, nor do I know if I will get there.

The "Sometimes it seems I should stay just to avoid all of this pain" statement hit me hard.

17 years of marriage. 3 years before that of living together, 20 years together. 1 child, 6 y/o.
I feel like I live with a roommate, not a marriage partner. I'm not attracted to her anymore. I hear her start talking and I want to go the other way. I work late to avoid coming home. I spend a lot of time at the fitness center working out to help me cope, and to avoid being around her.

I can't even pinpoint the "why", except that there have been innumerable instances of promises made, promises broken. My feelings for her have changed. I now even wonder if I ever was in love with her the way I now think I need to be with a partner.

But then the complications of it all, it can seem like I should just stay to avoid pain, and loneliness.

We go see a marriage counselor this Friday at my request. We don't even talk about that.

Needless to say, I'm struggling with my emotions right now.

[mrgorth]

14. You should really

try counseling first.

[SPKrazy]

15. Well I Am Trying Counseling First

we went last Friday

it was not a pleasant experience

we have 3 more appointments set, one with each of us individually, and then a conjoint session.

I can't say that I have much confidence in counseling for marital problems as one has to have a real commitment to working things out, which I have a mediocre commitment to right now.

I need to deal with my anger and getting that out is hard, but I believe it can be done. Then I have to decide if even after the anger is gone that there is something left to salvage.

So, yes I'm trying counseling first and I'm not closing the door on the possibility that it could work

[mrgorth]

16. Is there anything specific that she's done?

I mean, did you just "fall out of love"? Cause honestly that's a lousy reason you'll probably live to regret. How is she feeling about things?

[SPKrazy]

17. There Are A Lot Of Things She Has Done

the list is long and I don't want to put that on here.

But, no, it isn't just falling out of love. It's been a two sided thing for sure, but we've grown our own directions for several years. I do care about her, and want what's best for her and for both of us and our child. I don't know what that will mean ultimately.

But, again, there are a lot of things she has done. Our first counseling session just touched the tip of the iceberg. I know there are things I have done. We need to be honest with each other and discuss those things. If there is something to work out after we've done that, then we'll look at that.

[mrgorth]

18. Best of luck man

my own ex cheated on me and I was willing to forgive but I couldn't deal with living such a cold life. She just didn't dig me anymore. That said, the single life sucks too. Dating sucks. I'm broke and up to my arse in debt. I wish we could've worked it out. We'll be here for you no matter what. If adultery was in your marriage you should check out www.survivinginfidelity.com.

[SPKrazy]

19. Thanks

Sometimes I think it would make things simpler if adultery were involved

I appreciate the support

[crim son]

20. It wouldn't, even if you were the adulterer and loved somebody else.

You would still have the feelings of guilt and responsibility and concern for her and your child. Eventually the shock and pain of adultery fades, and you are left with the same situation that led you to cheat, or be cheated on, in the first place.

Just my two cents. This is my original thread and for some reason I felt like posting here. It was interesting to find you'd been here first.

[SPKrazy]

21. Yes, You Are Right

I have torn feelings about this whole thing Lisa

I "hit the wall" (not literally but figuratively) so to speak with the problems that my wife and I have had for 10 years at least this summer. I think I just lost the ability to pretend anymore, to deny, to live a farce without acknowledging it.

I haven't been the same since. I know that adultery wouldn't make it easier, it seems like it would make it simpler- but I don't really think that either.

I didn't know this was your original thread. Kiraboo? Crim son.

some time you'll have to explain that to me.

The hardest part for me right now is the fact that when I'm home, I can hardly stand it to be here.
When I'm gone I'm happy. Or at least it is an absence of anger and whatever else is mixed in there.

Thanksgiving was not fun. Nothing bad happened, I just had to spend it with her and her family and I was to some degree trapped, and had her mother saying nice things to me which cause me to feel guilt because I am driving this wagon train! Next we get to go to Colorado for a week and again, I will be "trapped" with her. that sounds terrible, but I'm just stating how I feel and see it.

So I'm glad that I found your thread, and I'm glad that you told me it was yours.

thanks