How do you know

[mzteris]

when it's time?

How long do you keep kicking a dead horse, ya know? How many times can you "try again" and "get your hopes up" and "put it all behind you" and "start-over" and "forgive and forget" and "live for the future"

gaahhh

I'm sick. Sick to death of it all. Wondering how to go on. Wondering how to "make it work" wondering if I should even freakin' bother anymore. Wondering how we (me and my sons) will survive? - either way.

I'm not that young anymore and I don't have the confidence I used to, either. Much less the energy and time and ability that I once had. I don't even know what the heck I could do. So I usually wind up just biting my f'ing tongue and saying NOTHING because I'm afraid. I'm so gd afraid of being on my own and trying to take care of two kids this time. I did it once - 25 years ago - with one kid - and that was hard enough - but now? ha. I've been out of the work force for a long time - how can I ever regain my "earnings potential"? Even if I started today, I've lost 15 years of salary advancement and experience. What I know is outdated.

Crap. At least the sob has a good job. And he travels - A LOT. ha ha ha.

[mrgorth]

1. Sorry to do this

but I think you are implying adultery and that is totally not cool. If you need to bolt that's one thing. If you just like that he's away that's another. Please don't act like adultery is anything less than the destruction it is.

[mzteris]

2. um -

no I wasn't.

I'm definitely not! Whether he is, I honest to god don't know. He says he's been faithful - but . . . we'll let's just say I have trust issues. But then again, I have "Trust Issues" anyway - so I don't know if I'm projecting or if he has been. Which is a tough position to be in if he has been faithful. But then again, I know he's very good at justifying any other behaviour's by blaming it on me.

I know I'm not perfect - far from it. but....... well, it's everything. Just - everything.

[mrgorth]

3. OK

I'm a little sensative about that. Sorry. Have you tried therapy yet?

[mzteris]

4. I'm in therapy now

I was holding out hope that he would come and we could work on it together. Which he may still do - says he will, but I don't know if I even want to try anymore.

He has other behaviours that aren't much fun to be around - and I don't think he's willing to admit he even has problems, much less DO anything about them (other than blame me for whatever he does, of course.)

When I next meet with my therapist I'm going to talk to her about it. I had been of the mindset that I was GOING TO MAKE THIS WORK (which I think she was a little doubtful of, to be honest). Now that I don't think that's possible anymore - I really don't know which way to turn or what to do next.

I have trouble with decision-making anyway - and this is a biggie.

My older son is NOT happy about things as they are; however, he doesn't want us to get divorced! He's been acting out lately - I think he thinks if we focuse on him, we'll stop fighting with each other. But it's only making things worse because dad, of course, blames me for our son's behaviour. (sigh).