How do you tell someone you want a divorce, when you still care

[SeattleGirl]

about them?

This is my dilemna. My husband is a good guy, but IMHO, the marriage is not good. Hasn't been for a long time. It would be easier were he an asshat, but he's not. I consider him a good friend, and someone I value very much in my life.

Truth to tell, I've made up my mind that it would be best for me to leave, but damn it, I hate the thought of hurting him. OTOH, I hate the thought of me continuing in this marriage which to me is empty of something that is very important to me.

Shit! In the long run, the best thing I could do would be to release the both of us. But I'm feeling scared about it. I need to quit being such a chicken.

[mrgorth]

1. I can't answer that

but whatever you do, don't cheat on him. Not that you would. Just saying.

[Qanisqineq]

2. LOL

I'm sorry, but your post just strikes me as funny. Maybe it was the way it was worded. I needed a laugh anyway. :hi:

[SeattleGirl]

3. Funny how? (BTW. I was tired when I wrote it....)

[Qanisqineq]

4. no, not yours

I think it was the way I imagined mrgorth saying his post outloud (although I don't know him). Believe me, I am going through very recently finding out my husband had an affair so affairs/divorce aren't funny to me. But something about it just struck me as funny, I didn't mean it in an offensive way to anyone. Maybe I was just tired, too.

[SeattleGirl]

5. I wasn't offended, just confused.

Thanks for clearing it up. (Maybe it's time for me to start taking naps again! :7 )

[mrgorth]

6. Honeslty,

It sounds like a tough position to be in. Certainly about to be tougher for him. But if there are no kids involved it's not the end of the world. Sometimes we just have to man up and deal. be there for him.

[SeattleGirl]

8. Maybe I'm being dense, but I'm not sure what you mean.

"Be there for him." Do you mean, don't leave? Not being snarky here; just wanting to be sure.

[mrgorth]

10. Good question

No. I didn't mean don't leave. Just, if you care about him, this will probably hurt him a lot...try to help him deal with it is all I meant. Best of luck.

[SeattleGirl]

11. That's what I thought you meant, but wanted to be sure.

And I do plan to do that. I care very much about him, and hate the thought of him being hurt.

[porphyrian]

7. If you really care about him, do it as soon as possible.

Finding out that someone's been wanting to leave you for some time makes you feel deceived and betrayed. It's not going to get easier by waiting, and it will only make things worse for everyone. It will probably suck, but there's an off chance that he's been thinking something similar. Just do it.

[SeattleGirl]

9. That's what my mom told me.

I admit I feel scared about it. Guess I need to plug into my grown-up self, huh?

[porphyrian]

12. I don't know about this "grown-up self" of which you speak...

;)

Just do it before you think yourself out of it again.

[SeattleGirl]

13. Ha! I guess I don't know either.

We actually had a talk this past Saturday. He asked me if I wanted a divorce, and I told him I did. He made a few points, and askeds me to do a few things (things that have to do with other things in my life), which I agreed to. He wanted to table the discussion for a few days, which I agreed to. I was crying when I told him I wanted out. I haven't changed my mind, even though I've done the things he suggested.

[porphyrian]

14. See? That wasn't so bad. Bad, but probably not as bad as you were imagining.

It'll still suck, but at least you aren't anticipating it anymore, and he knows where you're honestly coming from so he can take care of himself.

[LWolf]

15. Hopefully,

you do it LONG BEFORE you have allowed attraction elsewhere to enter your life.

If you really care about a person, and consider yourself his/her friend, you don't dabble with others.

If you value that person and friendship, you are honest with him, you tell him NOW and make a clean break, and you give him time to accept and heal before you engage in other relationships. That might save the friendship.

[SeattleGirl]

17. Thank you, LW.

I've felt this way for the longest time, and finally told him I wanted a divorce. He wanted to table the discussion for a bit; I agreed, though I'm going to have to bring it up again.

Got, I hate this stuff. But I hate even more feeling like I'm living a lie. I don't deserve that and neither does he.

[LWolf]

23. Good.

It takes courage to move forward, and you've got that.

:hug:

[Wapsie B]

16. Your post could've been easily written by me.

Word for word. I can sympathize about not knowing how to make the final step and have THE Talk. God do I ever.

[SeattleGirl]

18. bwa......

....I'm sorry to hear that.

It is difficult, isn't it? I keep thinking, it would be easier if he were an ass, but he's the farthest thing FROM an ass you could find.

For you, my friend: :hug:

[Wapsie B]

19. Yes it is difficult.

By many counts I should be happy with my marriage. She's not a bad person at all. But it's just not right. And all the talking in the world isn't going to change that.

Thank you SG. :hug:

[SeattleGirl]

20. Same with my marriage.

MrSG is a good guy, kind, caring, etc. But, it's just not there. I want so much to remain friends with him, but it's not completely up to me, is it?

:hug:

[Wapsie B]

21. Oh boy, no it's not just up to you.

I'm dealing with the same situation. Plus with kids neither one of us will ever be able to make a clean break from it all, even though yours are grown and my youngest will get out of high school mid-year next year. She's all those qualities MrSG is but it's just not there. When they're listening to their true self a person just knows when it's not right. Nothing wrong with either person, but it's just not a match at all.

Having said that if we're feeling what we are I have to wonder if our spouses aren't feeling the same thing but haven't confronted those feelings yet. Or maybe they have and are hiding them, scared of the result. My wish is for both our spouses can see the same thing we do.

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

22. Well this is my problem in many ways

I care about my wife. Our marriage isn't good. Hasn't been for a long time. She's put up with me and a lot of things that she shouldn't have had to, but she did. So now I'm the one thinking of leaving. Then there's the kid. Then there's the fact that I've talked about some of these things in the lounge and just found out that she reads my posts and has been for months. So she's read some of my posts about wanting to leave, seen my flirtatiousness and been offended by it. We see a marriage counselor and while I've told her I've thought about leaving I haven't been as clear with her that I'm just not into the marriage and I think she has to know that. She is furious with me. I'm angry at her, but mostly I just want to stop this insane merry go round of whatever it is that I can't get off of.

We at least need to separate and that is my plan. If she reads this she surely will already know that I've said that to her, I've posted it in the lounge, and if she comes searching for my posts, then here it is again.

I think that what someone said upthread is true. The sooner the better as otherwise it is cruel.

I'm not happy with how this has all come about or gone down. I am certain that my goal is not to hurt her as I do care about her and think she is a good person.

Thanks SG for posting this. Thanks all of you. I've read this before and never posted on it.

[SKKY]

24. SeattleGirl, this is a lot like my situation right now...

...with some other things added in. If you find the answer to this, please do share with me because this situation is absolutely killing me. See my earlier post for a thumbnail sketch of the situation.

[WheelWalker]

25. Hold both his hands in yours, and look him in the eye.

Hopefully, he will not take it personally. I mean that sincerely. He might understand right away, and he might not. A lot of things will never make sense to us as long as we personalize them. Some things are only understandable in the context of the interdependent infinite. Mating for life made a lot of sense when we lived to the ripe old age of 35. Living to eighty or ninety presents challenges to that paradigm that didn't exist in the past. Just the anticipation of living that long in a relationship that evolved for the benefit of slowly developing offspring can stress and strain a marriage by the time the nest empties. There is no blame.