Ya know what sucks? Working...

[mrgorth]

I mean, work can suck in general anyway but to try and work while your every thought is on your situation at home is brutal. Most days I imagine being home in bed curled up in the fetal position. I envy my coworkers that they can function normally, concentrate and all. I want to wear a sign that says "don't expect as much out of me as normal".

[hermetic]

1. I know exactly how you feel.

If you work with a small group of people I think it is better if they know what is going on because then they will, or should, be not quite so hard on you. In my group of 12 I told the ones I was closest to and asked them to tell the others and that was a good idea. Everyone sort of tip toed around me for awhile and tried to make my life easier. Of course after awhile they tend to forget and fall back into their patterns of selfishness and stupidity, but for a while it was good. Especially as I tend to try to always stay upbeat about things. People would say, how are you doing and I would smile and say I'm coping as best I can. And I tried to apply myself to my work diligently because it helps keep the mind off the bad stuff. But many is the day I would much rather just sit at home and cry. So, hang in there.

[mrgorth]

2. Oh, THAT question

People are always asking me how I'm doing. I don't mind so much when it's someone who doesn't know any better but how the hell can I honestly say "good" or even "OK" to people who should know I feel like shit?:(

[hermetic]

3. No no, did not say good or ok

Said, I'm coping. Try saying, "i need a hug". Well, I guess that would depend on where you work.

[mrgorth]

4. I work on a Navy base and I'm a guy

Wouldn't go over well.;)

[arwalden]

5. Hi

How old are you now and how long were you married? Are you a civilian employee, or military?

My first partner and I were to gether for nearly 9 years. I was 27 during the time that we were un-blending our lives and I found work to be the best escape for me. I even took on a part-time job in a bookstore JUST to be keep my mind away from my own problems.

The more time I spent alone, the more time I had to dwell on my problems and get myself worked up about it. So... for me, the bookstore was ideal because the interaction with people forced me to focus on THEM instead of myself... and even the busy-work required a bit of concentration to make certain that shelves were alphabetized and arranged properly.

[mrgorth]

8. I'm 35

Civilian contractor and still married. The wife and I are in counseling but I don't see it lasting much longer. Everything just seems to have a pall hanging over it. I'd still save it if I could.

[arwalden]

9. Professional Marriage Counseling Or Pastoral Counseling?

I think that counseling is a good thing no matter what the eventual outcome ends up being. The counseling can help to accept what might end up being inevetable... or it could help to correct mistakes and misunderstandings and save the relationship.

I have no personal experience to offer as far as counseling is concerned (other than wishing it had been an option for me). HOWEVER...

I can related to you what my mother told me about her counseling sessions. She was dissatisfied with her pastoral counseling sessions because he tended to take-sides with her husband's views about the traditional roles of women in the marriage. (Basically, stuck in 1955.) They eventually found a counselor who was more sympathetic to both sides.

Nothing was worked out, and it ended up in divorce, BUT... because of the counseling and talking things through they didn't just get an angry divorce that left everyone wondering WHA-JUS-HAPPENED? They understood where their differences were, they understood WHY they the other one couldn't (or wouldn't) change... therefore it was easier to accept the fact that the marriage wouldn't last.

For the longest time, I was "addicted" to any book I could find on improving relationships, or meeting/finding the right person, etc etc. Although I had to cherry-pick through the chapters, I did find some things that helped me.

And it was comforting to realize that the emotions and problems I was experiencing weren't unique to just ME. It made me feel less crazy, less like a failure, and more hopeful for whatever lay ahead.

[mrgorth]

10. I can't imagine moving on

I mean, I feel like I'll be ruined for anyone else. After dealing with this much pain, why would anyone want to deal with the mess I'm bound to be. I know it's not good but I'll likely be living through my kids.

[lukasahero]

12. Hey mrgorth

:hug: Since you can't ask for one where you work, I thought you might need one here. :)

I know all seems lost right now but I can tell you from experience that you will live through this. Sometimes, moving on turns out to be the best thing after all.

And yes, there is the possibility that you will, eventually, find someone who will "want to deal with the mess". It can happen - it did for me - I just got married again in September to the most wonderful man who dealt with what was likely a bigger nastier mess than you could even imagine. I'm not sure I'll ever understand why he did.

But expecting yourself to be ok with moving on when you're not even "finished" yet seems a bit destructive to me. One day at a time isn't just an axiom for alcoholics you know. :)

[mrgorth]

13. Thanks a lot.

It could just be my dark mood. Everything just kind of seems over is all.

[lukasahero]

14. That's cool.

You do have to deal with that part of it first. Feel dark, feel grief, feel the loss, but DON'T feel hopeless about the future when you're not even ready to be there yet. Don't make things worse by expecting yourself to be able to handle something that you're not ready to handle yet.

There's no time table for this, but I imagine that the part about being able to think about moving on isn't really supposed to happen until you deal with your grief and loss. That day will come "but it is not this day". Don't beat yourself up for what you can't yet do.

[SarahB]

6. Work is keeping me sane thankfully.

I wish I could work every day. I like not having to think about the problems of my personal life when I'm there.

[LWolf]

7. I'm an elementary school teacher.

I had to have someone come in to "cover" my class several times so I wouldn't melt down in front of the kids. The whole campus was watching me like a hawk, ready to swoop in and "cover" me. It was at that point that I gave in and got my paxil prescription. It helped me cope, to keep a public face on when I needed to. My young students didn't need to see me falling apart.

[mrgorth]

11. I'm so sorry for you

I wish you the best.

[LWolf]

15. That was 4 years ago this month.

I'm doing pretty well now. Healing happens, it just doesn't always happen quickly or easily. The first year was perpetual hell, extended by perpetual insomnia. It was several months before I could count on 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night. By the end of the first year, I was functioning without medication. Still sad much of the time, and finally reached the point where I could get angry. Year two dealt with much of the sadness and anger, and year 3 dealt with acceptance. Year 4 has finally been one of looking ahead, and moving forward with life.

These days I'm content with myself, and with the direction my life is going. Hang in there, and know that things improve as you move ahead even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.

[mrgorth]

16. I just can't imagine

4 more years of this. I'm so tired of being sad. Even more, I feel sorry for what my kids are going to go through.

[LWolf]

17. Each year gets lighter.

It doesn't happen all at once; you don't wake up one morning and find that you just "got over it." But it does happen.

My boys were young men, 21 and 23. My youngest moved me, settled in with me, and watched over me like a hawk until he was sure I was going to be ok. He moved out a year ago.

It was especially difficult for my boys; they lost 2 fathers at once. My husband was not their father, although he raised them. They lost their stepfather because he just couldn't face them. He was ashamed, and he knew how they felt about his treatment of their mom. He dropped all contact with them the day I moved out. Their biological father died 30 days later. They lost both of them in one month, leaving me the only family they've got left.

The best thing for younger children is to make sure that relationship issues between their parents never intrude on their relationship with their parents. As an elementary school teacher, I work with kids from all kinds of families. I've seen well-adjusted kids who do just fine after a divorce, and kids who are literally abandoned by both parents and sent to live with grandparents, and kids who become pawns in powerplays and revenge between the parents. The kids who do ok are those whose parents have set aside personal differences and agreed to work as a team; be partners raising the kids without judgement of the other. Unfortunately, that is a tall order for most people, and many don't live up to it.

[spooky3]

21. as I posted somewhere else, "you won't feel this way forever."

That was advice from my ex-hubby, of all people. He was right. this is not to make light of what you are feeling, just the opposite. It's just to offer truthful reassurance that if you can just get through the one-day-at-a-time, as others have advised, it will get less painful, little by little. It helped me to know I wouldn't have to cope with the pain forever.

[BiggJawn]

18. Almost lost a job over my last divorce.

Guess I get less resilient as I get older. First one hardly phased me.

Got my life back on track, relocated, got the "new job, new area code" thing going, and burnt the fuck out of my bridges.

Boss actually went to HR with "concerns"...Good thing I *DID* leave, while i still HAD a job, huh?

Oh, I forgot...That was almost 9 years ago. I went from being a confident, open, friendly guy to being a cynical hermit that nobody invites over for dinner. Lucky for me I found a woman who's the same way.

[mrgorth]

19. So this is what I have to look forward to

I will never again feel like a normal person? That's just so great. Someone please shoot me.

[BiggJawn]

20. No, you LEARN from me.

Go talk to somebody. Preferably a professional. Tell 'em what you're feeling. try to get to the ROOT of it, just don't go in there and say "you gotta help me to keep it together at work so I don't get fired" because that's just an invitation to get a band-aid slapped over your wounded Psyche.

Don't withdraw from the world. Your Ex got all the friends? Fine. Get some NEW friends. And yes, go get LAID! Get laid a LOT!
All those books out there that advise you to go "cruise" the laundromat, and Border's and take a trendy book to read at the upscale place everyone goes so you can pretend to read it at your table for one? They're BULLSHIT!

I really got worked-over good in my last break-up. instead of adressing the issue of the abuse and learning new tools for re-entering Life, we worked on "Anger Management", so I could be a NICE little cog in my corporate machine.

Nine years down the road, and I'm still "Nice", but "Nice" people make other people sick to their stomachs. I'm back in therapy trying to un-learn the Hermit biz.

it ain't easy, in a culture where it's a lot easier to be perpetually psised off at your fellow man instead of happy.

Go talk to somebody. Don't make the mistake of thinking Time will make it better all by itself.