The truck that follows 24/7--hell, yes, I'm afraid to die.

[blondeatlast]

I'll say it--I am afraid. The truck that could hit them when they cross the street tomorrow appears out of nowhere, whizzing around the corner at the speed of light.

MY truck, though, follows me around 24/7, ever so slo-o-owly, just waiting for me to slip up and its chance to take me out.

My fear motivates the hell out of me when the chips are down, for certain.

The question often comes up in the Lounge, as it did today:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x3478428

I notice that most people say they aren't afraid to die. I suspect they are the chronically healthy, because ewveryone I've ever known with a chronic disease or pain says they are at least a little afraid; rarely fearless about it, and I suspect because so many of us expect to die before we "should," leaving our affairs unordered, loved ones behind, etc.

Am I morbid or do others feel the same way?

[SpeedwayDemocrat]

1. Blonde, not morbid, just depressed

That goes with having a disease you'll never get rid of (diabetes) and knowing that the current administration is disrupting our one and only chance for a cure.
When I started having the dark thoughts (doom, gloom ,no reason to live, because this is gonna kill me anyway, etc.) I finally went for help. I found a therapist who is also diabetic and who let me rant about these feelings. It really helped to talk about them to someone who wouldn't judge me (not a family member, etc.) and not tell me to "suck it up."
Yes, there are many of us who feel that way, too. Try flipping the idea around -- we've only got so much time here in this life, so make the most of every single minute and refuse to let anyone make you feel bad for your own thoughts! Good luck!

[blondeatlast]

2. Luckily, I see this as temporary. As I mentioned in another thread,

I just got out of the hospital for replacement of a stent.

I have a wonderful (younger) hubby and a terrific 8 year old son and they are more than enough to keep me going.

In fact, it's only the thought of being without them that makes me fear death.

i do, however, think that those of us with chronic illness maybe see death a bit differently than others do. Maybe it's the constant, ever-so-delicate juggling act we perform--if we drop a ball, that truck rides our bumpers!

I have been treated for depression and wouldn't hesitate to do so again if I thought I needed it now, but right now I can see my mood improve nearly every day.

If I keep up with the gloom and doom, though, I WILL seek help. My family is owed that much, and so am I!

[REP]

3. Afraid of HOW

Death from kidney failure - which, unless I'm hit by a truck, is how I will die - is supposed to be fairly painless. Supposed to be. I've been in acute failure, and it was incredibly awful. I had renal surgery last month and had a hell of a time getting adequate pain relief (Loved One took me to the ER because he said I was screaming in pain). I saw my father die at age 56 in agony, mostly because the hospice workers didn't want him to get addicted to morphine during the least weeks of his life, and I do not want to die that way.

The actual dying may not be so bad; I may be so out of it I don't notice how itchy, etc I feel from the build up of urea in my blood. The dialysis beforehand is not very easy, especially for those with my constellation of kidney diseases (I have at least two, plus massive scarring from repeated infections) and I may only be able to survive it for 2-5 years, so I do all I can to keep off the Iron Kidney.

I keep hearing that I have a life expectancy of 20 years; that is, I'll die around 60. Since I'm not on dialysis now, it doesn't seem that real most of the time. 20 years is far enough in the distance to seem like more time than it really is.

[zanne]

4. It's a hard thing to be honest about.

After all, there's nothing we can do about it, and we don't want to get everyone else depressed. However, whenever I hear someone say they aren't afraid to die, I figure they're just whistling in the dark. I'm not afraid of what happens AFTER death, just the dying itself. I know someone who's afraid of getting a shot who says he's not afraid of dying. I don't think he really means it.

[oxbow]

5. not anymore

doing reiki really connected and grounded me, and after that, the fear kind of went away. I think its because I feel so very connected to the chi energy now, and that makes me believe that death is not the end.

btw REP-I like your avatar. I gave my sister a big Killala stuffed animal a while back. We are both big Inuyasha fans!

[REP]

6. Kirara's a Kick-Ass Kitty!

I suspect the woman who draws Inuyasha has a cat.

[mopinko]

7. having a gold plated midlife crisis here.

not so much afraid to die, although it is too early to tell how virulent my lupus will be. but afraid that i will not get much of a chance to live. my fibro has screwed up my life and left me spinning my wheels. at 50, i feel like i gave my life away to my kids and crazy hubby, and a string of dead-ends and mid-stream course changes. hoping that i can make a go of it now that i have a proper dx, and meds that are helping. but being sick, and wondering just how long my horizon is sits like a rock in my stomach.

[blondeatlast]

8. That's just it, there's never a respite for us.

It's exhausting, and I think most of us try NOT to dwell on it, but when faced with disease, even well-controlled disease, it's impossible to be on all the time.

Well-controlled med therapy goes off-kilter all too often, you have to wait for the docs to get it right before you feel better, and it's a burden that others can't understand. My hubby is trying to be sympathetic, but I'm not contributing to the household as much as I'd like, and it does become an emotional strain--which doesn't help the healing, either.

I'm in much the same boat now regarding my diabetes. I'm having to redo the insulin therapy right after my angioplasty, and the anemia returned at the same damn time.

I long for the times I've felt healthy, and I believe they will return, but damn, it's a slow process and it's an incredible struggle to keep positive sometimes.

I'm so glad we have this place just to express what others can't possibly understand.

[REP]

9. No Medical Therapy for FSGS, Either

At least I can do something about the diabetes, and I maintain a HbA1c of 5.8% (normal for "normal" people) on oral meds, but there is very little that can be done for my primary kidney disease. I did a few extra piddly errands last week and wore myelf out, and my pulmonary edema is acting up (can't walk across the room without losing my breath and can't stay awake for very long - fun!) and that just reminded me of exactly *how* I'll probably die from kidney failure - from congestive heart failure from dialysis (I'm B-, which has the longest wait time for a tx, and my prognosis on dialysis is very poor due to having at least three kidney diseases + diabetes). The good news is that the FDA approved a new home hemodialysis machine a few days ago, so when my kidneys do go belly-up, I may be able to do hemo at home every day, greatly improving my length of survival (it's the build-up of fluids between dialysis sessions and the sudden drainings that's so hard on the heart and lungs).

[mopinko]

10. and being dependant on f'ing doctors

after 44 years of having doctors shake their heads, tell me i am crazy, and give me drugs that just made me sicker, i have no flippin respect for a sheepskin.
i have some meds that are helping me now, but i have had them bomb out on me before. (because the rheumy who prescribed them does not understand what fibro really is.) i am feeling better, but still in a precarious spot where ever little bump in the night disturbs my sleep and wrecks the day. without my own research and understanding that fibro is about sleep, i would be swamped with frustration right now. and probably not recovering at all.
then people give you that "is this person crazy" look when you tell them that docs are wrong, or you figured something out yourself.
yup, du groups are a great pressure relief valve.